we think
we are so special
we think we are
at the very top 
of the 
food chain

but
the mosquito
that just bit my leg
disagrees

she says
the food chain is a circle
and every creature
is part of that circle
and no one is exempt
from the laws
(or the wrath)
of nature

and
as i quickly end her life
with a swat of my hand
i'm inclined
to agree

out of the city
finally
i take my shoes off

tired toes caress soft grass
fallen orange leaves
as autumn approaches

eyes adjust
to clouds and trees
unfettered by concrete 
and steel

ears find
crickets and wind
uninterrupted
by honking horns

a tiny insect
lands on my arm
and
i'm not sure which of us
is more surprised
that
i’m here

-

after
so many years
shedding
childhood

i return briefly
to the small town
that shaped a young boy
so long ago

an old man
solemnly raking leaves
in the strong fall breeze
i have been here often
in my dreams

leaves fade slowly to brown

i can relate
wandering aimlessly
down sidewalks of my youth
distant memories of a forgotten life
swept away by eternal breeze
infinite decay

only the sewers look the same

perhaps 
a bit smaller

there's where Skeeter
buried a praying mantis
while it was
still alive

there's where i would sit
at recess
all alone
watching the silly games
wanting to play

i look around
and they are gone
grass grows up to boarded windows
some trees are bigger
some trees are gone
the quality of light
somehow faded

a futile game
of what-ifs
retracing a child’s footsteps
blindly glimpsing ancient fears
clumsy memories of innocence lost
as it starts to rain
time to go home
this
isn’t home

tonight
it hit me
for the first time
in a long time

overwhelming loneliness
despair
sorrow beyond tears

i feel nothing
but alone
i feel nothing
but sadness
i feel
nothing

-

after
an eternal
self-imposed
celibate exile
i discover
the perfect warmth
of a woman's touch

after years
of letting my anxieties
intimidate me
overwhelm me
send me
running and screaming
from anything that even resembled
intimacy
i finally experience
the deepest
of
my fears

i kiss her sweet
perfect neck
as we hold our embrace
and i ponder perfection
pulling her closer
tears of ecstasy
cascading
down my cheeks
past my smile
onto her sweet flesh
quivering in delight

-

suddenly
out of nowhere
tears
wave after wave
of emotion

i pull away
as she tries to comfort me
again
this time it's bigger
than both of us

the fetal position
the first thing i ever learned
does it's job
she gives up
pulls a blanket to the couch

she cried too
i think

the fever broke
as i lie on my back
arms spread wide
smiling bliss

soon
i would coax her
back to bed
but
things would
never be the same

-

sitting
alone in the forest
watching a tree breathe
the planet's breath

deliberate
imperceptible
alive

leaves fall
from majestic barren branches
no heartbeat no breath
no life

if
i could
watch her
brave winter storms
without complaint

if i could watch her
bending to the arctic wind
then i could watch her
bloom again

but
it is not
to be

a still
small voice
barely heard above the din
beckons me
back
to the land of palm trees
and movie stars

i
find myself
boarding a plane
destination points west
taking my seat
on the wing of the mighty chariot
thoughts turn to
impending winter
false
destiny

-

35,000 feet over toronto

i can still taste you
on my skin
i can still smell you
on my clothes

i wonder
how things would have been
if i could have loved you
i wonder how things would be
if i had stayed

i look down
at the earth below
and
i wonder

-

when i was a little boy
i heard alot
about my potential

i wasn't living up to it
i wasn't trying hard enough
i could do so much more

now that i am older
trying to do something with my life
all i hear is

no

you can't do that
don't set your sights so high
don't be so ambitious
don't try so hard

why
did everyone
have to change
just when i needed them

-

go

what's left
if i leave him
behind

-


a billion neurons behind the curtain pulling levers

my brain
has the thought
that it is a collection of cells
working together
to ensure survival of the body

just another organ
just another part
of me

sometimes it thinks it's king
sometimes it thinks it's god
but it's only me
every thought
every emotion
every tear
every fear
everything is real

just don't look behind the curtain

-

if we keep spending
half of our budget on defense
instead of
teaching our children
healing our sick
feeding our hungry

we will come to the point
in the not too distant future
where there is nothing left to defend

this is our country

we have to take it back
from the military industrial complex
we have to take it back from the oil companies
we have to take it back from a government out of control

they are the true enemies of freedom

not a nameless faceless
madman across the water

human beings

they have families
they brush their teeth
they blink

they own corporations
they buy politicians
they control the planet

they see no profit in a balanced society

this
mindset
must
change

towards a civilization
where innovation benefits society
where energy sources are non-polluting

a technological utopia
no longer a burden to our 
host planet

a spiritual people
in balance with our world
at peace
with
ourselves

-

emotion
pours out of me
onto the page

a blizzard wind
through a bare forest 
at night

i try hopelessly to suppress
these fears
tearing through me

leaving shreds of what's left

skin crawling
itching
burning
i scratch in vain
i drink more
smoke more
type more
coaxing the monsters
out through my fingertips
exposing them for all to see

this person
staring back from the mirror
hiding behind these words
struggling desperately
against the eternal question

who
am
i

-


a new censorship

politically correct blinders
handcuffing and gagging
free expression

only the narrowest truths are allowed
through the veil of lies
and smiles

nothing offensive
nothing honest

morally sanctioned speech
read from a script

don't think
for yourself

read from the script

don't think
for
yourself

-

illusion

we are
perfectly engineered
dna replicating
containers

organic chariots
for
the almighty genes

we are
their puppets
they are our creators

imperfect
selfish
alive

we
choose a mate
so they may breed

we exist
so
they
may survive

-

i live
in this universe
in this galaxy
in this solar system
on this planet
in this hemisphere
on this continent
in this country
in this state
in this county
in this city
in this neighborhood
on this street
in this house
in this room
in this body
systems of organs
made of cells
deciding what i will type next
each cell a servant
to the DNA
mighty molecule
made of atoms
who couldn't care less
sculpted from electrons
protons and neutrons 
which are
made of quarks
and who knows what else
and what the hell
are quarks
made of
?

(strings perhaps, but what are the strings made of?)

-

get in good
a government job

so
in twenty
or thirty years
when your soul has dried up
from boredom and neglect
you can collect
one hell of a pension check
during your years
of hindsight
and
regret

-

forfeiting the game

the
decision to write
came upon me slowly
stealthily

playing gently with my mind

until one day
i decided i wasn't going to be a grocery clerk any more
so i quit my job
i filed bankruptcy
i dropped out of college

i locked myself in a room
with marijuana and miles davis
to peel back the layers
so many layers
for all to see

closing in
on the secret mind of god
the mysteries of the universe

writing them down

so
maybe
somehow
someone will understand
maybe even
you

-

cul-de-sac

communication
took a wrong turn
somewhere

language
is supposed to express emotion
not repress it

after millions of years
developing crude syllables into complex language
we spend our lives
engulfed in a landscape of mass neurosis
blindly groping at each other
lost
in the deafening boom of technological evolution
in a world unbalanced
where
the scariest monster of all
is
truth

-

sometimes
i wish i would die

leave you all 
behind
to struggle through the layers of agony
while i float
on the blissful crest
of eternity

it's no big deal really
no more than birth
certainly better
than
taxes

-

it was you – (for debra)

from my first memories
i wanted to be you

artist
visionary
beautiful

when you moved away
i held on to my dream
my vision of you
and i grew

years past

we stayed
strangely apart
distant

when i grew old enough
to be like the you
i'd held onto for so long
i came to see
what more i could be

but
you were gone

disillusioned
defeated
alone

it broke my heart
to see you
so alone
so far away from me

i can
only hope
in my deepest heart
that somehow
you find your way
back

to
that girl i knew
all those years ago
when love was magic
and you
were free

-

towards destiny

sacred drugs
and an open mind
illuminate the path ahead

i
take a tiny
tentative step forward
still afraid of letting go
still afraid of life
yet i live on
yet i go on
yet i go forward
walking barefoot across the lawn towards destiny
towards a new life
towards people
who are searching
as am i
it's a far cry
from my slacker days
a stoned fish in a stagnant pond

there’s nothing left
but to face
me
head on
the battle begins

-

she moves like a cat
full of shyness
full of fear
sadness
of untold depths
reflects in her eyes
that look quickly away
from my offered smile
i will never know her
i will never hold her
but maybe someday
she'll shed her
tired
worn out
skin of sorrow
and maybe someday
she'll smile back
at somebody
luckier
than me

-

she gets on
sits down at the other end of the car
our eyes meet
i quickly look away

she moves closer

why 
does she 
keep staring at me
she is so beautiful
she could have anyone she wants
why is she staring at me

in the commotion of the next stop
she ends up sitting just two seats away
reading "the fountainhead"
which i haven't gotten around to yet
but a friend says it's an amazing book
so i should say something to this incredible creature
who wants my attention

but
shyness wins again
it sits between us for a few miles
and forever

the doors open
people rush out
i make my escape
to the 
concrete
world above