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Written by Lou Smith Inspiration by Elliott Krein "AYAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
Jessie and Kenny shouted as they fell off the Shinra
building's 35th floor. "So, that's it, huh?" Tifa said as the group plowed through stacks of books in the Shinra library. "The three components to the 'WHAMMO' that Bugenhagen spoke of are located in three Temples of Weapon. Each temple has one piece of the 'WHAMMO' and when all three are pieced together, we'll have the way to get into Stilgar's fortress." "Stilgar....." Jessie said. "Lou," Yuffie said, "this is getting to be a rather long trip." "You got that right, Yuf," Lou said. "When all this is over....." Yuffie said, "Yeah, yeah," Lou said. "We go steady until we're old enough to marry, right?" Yuffie nodded. "Great. Lookin' forward to it." "Cloud, we're legal marrying age, aren't we?" Tifa asked. "Keep your mind on these temples for now," Cloud said. "We can discuss the pitter-patter of little SOLDIERS later." ".............Jessie," Vincent started. "Yeah?" Jessie asked, not looking up from her book. "...........Never mind," he said, going back to his research. "So, where're these temples located?" Cid asked. "Looks like there's one, the Fire Pyramid, in the center of the Earth, accessible through Mt. Nibel. The Tsunami Temples are located at the bottom of the ocean, and the Star Hall is on the moon. We'll have to use the Phoenix to get up there," Warren said. "Speaking of which, where is the airship, anyway?" Barret asked. "Back at Icicle Inn, remember?" Aeris said. She pulled Cid's cell phone out and telephoned Shera. "Hello, Shera? Am I bothering you?" "Uh, no, Aeris. Not at all," Shera said as she painted her toenails. "What's up?" "We need the Phoenix," Aeris said. "Can you get it up here?" "No problem, Aer," she said, continuing to paint her toenails. "I'll be up in the morning." "Splendid!" Cait Sith said. "You guys have a swell trip. I've gotta get back and fix myself." "Aren't you going to come, Cait?" Tifa asked as Cait hopped out of his comfy spot in Aeris's skirt. "Someone's gotta stay behind and keep Shinra from rising again," Cait said. "You guys go out there and kick Stilgar's butt!" "Sounds good," Lou said. "We can start first thing in the morning." The group spent the night at the Shinra hotel. Lou woke up in the middle of the night and went out into the kitchen. Vincent was sitting there, looking quite mopey. "Can't sleep?" Lou asked, sitting down next to him. "Yeah," Vincent said, shaking his head. "Can't sleep." ".....Vincent, I've seen what's been going on," Lou said. "I know you really like Jessie, but she considers you just a friend. What prevents you from wooing her?" "Because," Vincent said. "I have a long history of failure with women." He took out two toy figures, a guy and a girl. "Now, here's what happens usually. Guy likes girl, girl likes guy, and eventually this leads to love. Now, here's what happens with me...." He started doing funny little voices to make the guy and girl sound like they were talking. "'I like you,' says the guy. 'I hate you! Go away!' says the girl. 'Ooh, now I'm CRAZY for you!' the boy says. 'Leave me alone!' the girl shrieks. 'I LOVE you! Ooh, ooh, look at me! Look at me! I'm doing all sorts of stupid things to impress you! I'm an idiot! I'm a moron! Woo-hoo!'" Vincent had the girl doll slap the boy doll's head off. Lou sat in stunned silence. "That's why," Vincent said. A lone tear trickled down his cheek. "....You crying, Vince?" Lou asked. "Oh, um, uh," Vincent said, rubbing his eyes and harrumphing a few times. "No, there was something in my eye. I'm going back to sleep." Vincent walked out of the room, leaving Lou alone in the darkness, pondering this with some amusement. Suddenly, he heard a great clattering. He looked to his right and saw a shadowy figure rummaging through the cupboards. "Hey, who're you?!" Lou asked. The figure spoke in a very familiar voice. "........No crackers," he said. "Cracker-eating man!" Lou growled. "Is this an illusion, or an episode of 'The X-Files?'" "No, it's real. I'm here right now, Lou," he said, advancing until you could see everything but his face. "You're the illusion." "OK, you've said that a million times," Lou said. "What do you mean?" "This is all a dream," the man said, chewing on some celery he found in the freezer instead. "You're just a worthless bum who can't keep a job and have a fat lady pounding on your door, demanding rent. When you wake up from this dream, you're in for a big surprise." "What are you saying, man?" Lou asked. "ANSWER ME!!!" He grabbed the stranger by the collar and yanked him towards him. "Who are you?!" Lou asked, then he gasped. He was holding himself. It was a duplicate of himself, completely identical. "No..... No!" Lou shouted. "You're not real!...... Are you?" "Yep," the other Lou said. "And I'm just a figment of your imagination......" These words burst inside Lou's head like lighting bolts, and then Lou felt someone shaking him. "Lou! Lou, wake up!" Lou recognized the soft voice and his eyes popped open. It was still dark out, and everyone was asleep..... Except for Yuffie. "You were yelling in your sleep," she said. "And you're in the kitchen. How did that happen?" "I was talking to Vincent and I must've dozed off," Lou said. Yuffie patted him on the shoulder. "Geez! You're all sweaty! Did you have a nightmare?" "Yeah, I did....... I've been having lots of nightmares lately.... Things I can't explain, and things that frighten me....." ".....Poor baby," Yuffie said, smooching him on the cheek. "You're tired. Why don't you go sleep in a real bed?" "Thanks, Yuffie," Lou said. "You're the best friend I've ever had." "Meow," Herr Püssy Wüssy argued, rubbing between Lou's legs. In the morning, everyone said goodbye to Cait Sith and Reeve and hopped into the Phoenix. "Welcome back, everyone!" Shera said. "I made a few changes to the ship while you were gone." "Like what?" Cid asked. "Try the jacuzzi in the bathroom," Shera said. "There's also a pool table in the game room, and I wired up a Sony Playstation in your room, Lou!" "That's great!" Lou said. "Uh, where'd you get the money for this?" "Oh, I used Aeris's credit card," Shera said, producing a little plastic card that said CETRA EXPRESS. "WHAAAAAAAAAT?!" Aeris roared, snatching the card away. "You really should lock your door, Aeris. Besides, look how happy you've made everyone else." "(Grumble grumble)....Oh, OK. We can keep it," Aeris said. "Besides, since they think I'm dead, the companies won't bill me, but they will bill my mother!" In the Midgar Slums, Emlyra had recently got a letter from the CETRA EXPRESS company. "Hmm," she said. "I guess Aeris was using her card again. Oh, well, she's a simple girl, she probably didn't charge much......." The entire air around Midgar echoed with those three simple words; "I'LL KILL HER!!!!!!" "Ahhhhhhhhhh," Tifa said, relaxing in the jacuzzi. "This is just heaven." "Mind if I join?" Cloud asked, his eyebrows going up and down. "Girls only," Tifa said. "Besides, I've seen what you do in swimming pools." Cloud blushed sheepishly. "Eh heh heh heh....." he giggled. "Yeah!" Cid said as he watched the cue ball bounce around the table and knock the last ball into the upper-left hole. "Who's the man?! WHO'S THE MAN?!" "Can we just play now?" Yuffie asked angrily. "Yeah!" Jessie added. "Oh, all right, ladies," Cid mumbled, replacing all the balls. "But I bet you can't ace one like ol' Cid did! I'll bet you 5 bucks that you can't." Yuffie fired the cue ball into the other balls so hard that all the balls went into all the holes at once. "Five bucks, please," Yuffie said, smiling smugly and holding her hand out. "%$#$#%$," Cid said, handing over 5 Gil. "So, what's our first goal?" Lou asked Shera as she piloted the Phoenix over the mountains. "I'd say that the Tsunami Temple would be the easiest temple to get to first. It's a little south of Wutai, on the western coast." The airship landed on the sandy shores. Everyone got out and stretched widely. "Ahhh, it's good not to be indoors for a change!...." Tifa said, stretching briskly. "I don't like it," Warren griped. "I have all my experiments in the Phoenix, and I'd rather be in there than out here." "Oh, put a sock in it!" Aeris said, slapping Warren in the back. Little did they know, however, that a shadowy figure was crouching behind a boulder, watching them. "So, how're we going to get to the Tsunami Temple?" Lou asked. "It's underwater, isn't it?" "Yeah, and I can't take the Phoenix underwater," Shera said, shaking her head. "What are we gonna do?" Yuffie asked. Suddenly, a black shadow flew past them and knocked everyone over. "What was THAT?!" Barret asked. "Ha! Got ya, didn't I?" a scraggily old voice said. Everyone turned to see a 60-year old, gray-haired woman standing there, holding their various Materia shards. "Hey, who do you think you are?" Cloud asked angrily. ".......Mom?!" Yuffie asked. ".......Yuffie?!" the woman asked. They rushed forward and looked at each other, then hugged. "I can't believe it! It's really you! How are you?" they both said in unison. Lou just stared at this with a dumbfounded expression. "Wow, Yuffie. How you've grown!" Yuffie's mom said. "Mom, you've thinned out since I last saw you," Yuffie said. "Guys, this is my mom, Sasha." "Uh..... pleased to meet you," Tifa said, shaking Sasha's hand. "Can we have our Materia back?" "What? Sorry, youngun, but this Materia's MINE now!" Sasha said, stuffing the Materia into her pocket. "Mom, these're my friends," Yuffie complained. "Give it back, please?" "Eh? Well, friends of Yuffie are friends of mine," Sasha pouted, giving the group their Materia back. They spent the night at Sasha's beach house, a dumpy old pagoda. "Yep, heard the news about Wutai about three weeks ago," Sasha said, shaking her head. "I guess that means your daddy's toast, eh?" "Yeah....." Yuffie said. "Say, mom, why'd you leave dad anyway?" "Ahh, the old codger was all over me about 'honor' and 'duty' and boy scout gooody-goody crap like that. 'A true ninja has true honor and a pure spirit,' he'd always yammer. 'Thieves are gutless cowards and have no honor.' Personally, I wouldn'ta left if it weren't fer the fact that he put you in a ninja school and was brainwashin' ya into an honorable warrior." "It didn't work," Yuffie said, grinning. "I flunked out and became a Materia theif, and then I ran into these guys," she said, slapping Lou on the back and making him take a dive into his cup of tea. "...And I went straight. With Wutai gone, there's no need for me to steal any Materia for it." "Heh. So now you're on a trip to beat Stilgar?" Sasha asked. "Fine and dandy. Say, I've got a few things that will help you guys out." "Like what?" Cid asked. "A rigged thingamajiggy that'll go off the moment we get in, so you can zip off with our Materia?" "Hey, what do you take me for?" Sasha said, getting angry. "I'm a thief, not a swindler." "What's the dif?" Aeris snorted. "I didn't know you could snort," Warren said. "It's all in the sinuses," Aeris said, blushing. "Whatever. You guys can borrow my submarine that I used to raid that Gelnika ship down there. It's sturdy and it'll get you where you're going. Good luck, Yuffie," Sash said, winking. The submarine, named "Lollipop" was parked out on Sasha's dock. "'Lollipop?'" Warren asked. "It must be a good ship," Jessie chuckled. The two brainiacs jumped inside and started inspecting the ship for any potential kinks. "Wow, look at all these dials and buttons!" Jessie said. "Submarines are designed for curious button-pushers," Warren said, turning on the navigational computer. "Hey, you two! How is it down there?" Tifa asked. "Great! We can all fit inside, and it's in great condition," Jessie called back. Everyone got in and got comfortable for the trip to the Tsunami Temple. "Ahhh," Cid said, leaning back and chewing on a Jolly Rancher (he had become addicted to them since he quit smoking). "The Submarine; an aquatic RV." "Wow, look at all the fish out there," Aeris said, pointing out the window. "Fish..... Pretty," Yueh said as he sat silently in the ship's rear. "Lou, have you ever been to the ocean before now?" Yuffie asked. ".....Yes," Lou said, frowning. "Oh, what a miserable time that was." "What was?" Barret asked. "C'mon, tell us!" "Yeah, I can't stand it when people don't blab their personal secrets!" Aeris said, giggling. "Oh, OK," Lou muttered, and began his story. "When I was in 10th grade (my last grade before I joined AVALANCHE), my school, Nibelheim Public School, took a trip to the beach nearby. Oh, yeah, it was a ball- sun, water and pretty girls..... Until the freshman showed up." "Freshman?" Cid asked. "That some kinda monster?" "How long were you in school, Cid?" Cloud asked. "A freshman means 9th grader, and a sophomore is a 10th grader and a junior is an 11th grader." "What did the freshman do to ruin your trip?" Jessie asked. "This freshman had problems," Lou continued, "he was funny in the head. He thought that all the boys at the school were his best friends, and he thought my friends- Jeff, Jack and Edward- were his lovers." "(Gasp!)" Yuffie gasped. "Ughhh!" Barret said, sticking his tongue out. "What, are you some kind of homophobic, Barret?" Tifa asked. "I'm not a homophobic," Lou continued, "but my standard rule on these things is 'they leave me alone, I accept them.' Now this guy was pushing it. He'd come up to our lunch table, his scrawny little arms dangling, his fat sausage lips sticking out, his zits showing everywhere and he'd say 'whaddup junior? Whaddup sophomores?' to us. UGHHHH!!!! Then he'd sit and STARE at me, licking his fat lips. He'd glance down at my tush once and a while, too. GAAAAAAAGHHHH!!! He'd also stick his pinky finger out at me and say 'caliente, por favor' which in Spanish means 'hot, please.' He was comin' on to me, in front of my friends! GEEZ!" "That guy was SICK!" Aeris said, making a face. "Disgusting!" Hairball said, turning green. "Interesting that that line came from a hairball," Cloud said. "Man, life never cuts you a break," Yuffie said, shaking her head. "Yes it does," Lou said. "I found you." "He's got you there, Yuffie," Jessie said, smiling. ".......Jessie," Vincent started. "Yeah, Vincent?" Jessie asked, not looking up from the steering controls. "....................." Vincent started. "(Just start casually,)" Lou whispered to him. "Um.... Can I try driving the submarine?" he asked. ".....Sure!" Jessie said, getting up. "I'll teach you how." Vincent sat down in the seat and put his hands on the controls. Jessie put her hands on his and started talking about how to man the sub. "Heh heh," Cid said, leaning back. "He's doin' just fine." "Are you SURE the Tsunami Temple is around here?" Barret asked. "We've been down here 5 hours!" "That's because Vincent's been driving the sub in a circle," Yuffie mumbled. "Hey, come on! He's doing the best he can," Hairball said. "Yes," Vincent said. "I have everything under control..... except for that rock. A giant BOOM shook the sub and part of the wall bulged out where contact had been made. The little sub floated downwards. "...And that one," Vincent said. Another BOOM. The ship bounced off to the left. "...And that one," Vincent said again, another BOOM following. The sub bounced to the right and came to rest on the sandy bottom. "Well, you may not have tried, Vince, but it looks like we've struck gold!" Cloud said, peering out the porthole. "We're docked in the Tsunami Temple!" "YAY! Yay, Vincent!" everyone cheered. ".......You're welcome," he said, smoothing his hair back. The group crawled out into the temple and looked around. "Wow, this is so unreal!" Tifa said, gazing around. "This place looks vaguely.....Egyptian," Lou said. "The Cetra's culture included Egyptian and Incan elemants," Aeris said. "They write like Egyptians and make statues that look like Incan and Egyptian figures." "Creepy," Cid said, shuddering. "I always hated history class." "Too much water...." Yueh said, looking around. The temple had statues spouting water from their mouths and little channels carrying the water like a stream. Jessie put her hand on Yueh's arm. "Relax, Yueh. As long as you don't fall in, you're OK." "Let's get that 'WHAMMO' piece and get the heck outta here!" Yuffie said. "This place gives me the creeps." They wandered through the temple, avoiding the traps and such that the Cetra had laid out, when they finally reached a large room. "Man, this looks like an ancient swimmin' pool!" Barret said. "Looks like some people have been here before," Lou said, standing over a skeleton. The skeleton had a small scrap of graphite in its palm, and on the floor there seemed to be a drawing of a man. "That dude looks awfully familiar," Cid said. "Sephiroth......" Cloud said. "Sephiroth was here." "How could that gray-haired prat get all the way down here?!" Warren asked. "Sephiroth can be anywhere at anytime," Cloud said. "....I should say, he COULD BE anywhere at anytime. He's gone now." "....." Tifa said. "It's getting late," Lou said, looking at his watch. "Let's sack out here and keep going in the morning." "Before we go to bed, I think we should think about dinner," Hairball said. "Hairball's so starved!" "This big pool might have some fish in it," Yuffie said, starting to make a fishing pole out of her shuriken and some string. Yuffie, Cid, Barret and Jessie all made poles and started fishing. After 3 hours, only Barret had caught one fish, and it was sardine-sized. "One fish to feed 12 people?!" Tifa asked. "How do we solve this?" Herr Püssy Wüssy leaped up and ate the fish right out of Tifa's hand. "Well, that solves it," Cid groaned. "Now nobody eats nuthin'!" Everyone went to bed hungry. In the middle of the night, Yueh was awakened by some sweet music that was playing on the far side of the pool. "What is that music?" he said to himself. He lumbered over to the other side and saw a woman sitting on a rock in the pool playing a harp. "What? Who.... are you?" he asked. The woman looked up and smiled. She had flowing brown hair and a mermaid tail-like dress. "Hello," she said. "I'm Hydro." "My name is Yueh," Yueh said. "I live all alone down here," Hydro said. "I haven't a friend in the world." "I'll be your friend," Yueh said. "I know what it is to be lonely. I guarded an empty castle for 15 years...." "Then.... would you come and swim with me?" she asked. Yueh shrank back with terror in his eyes. "Can't. Hate water...." Yueh said. "Oh, I see. Sorry. Well, I saw what you guys were doing and I can help you and your friends. In the morning, this pool becomes magical, and your friends can catch as many fish as they want." "Thank you, Hydro," Yueh said bowing. "I am happy." "Thanks to you, Yueh," Hydro said. "Maybe next time we meet you'll join me in the water." She hopped off the rock and swam away into the darkness of the pool. In the morning, everyone woke up. "(YAWN).... Hey, why's the pool glowing?" Aeris asked. "My new freind, Hydro, says that there are many fish there in the morning," Yueh said. "Hydro?" Lou asked. "Who's that?" Hydro suddenly emerged and sat on her rock again. "That is Hydro," Yueh said, pointing. "WOAH! She's a nice piece of work," Cloud said. Tifa pinched him. "Hydro says that you can catch all the fish that you want," Yueh said. "FOOD! YAAAAAYYYY!!!" Cloud, Cid, Barret, Yuffie, Jessie, and Hairball cheered, grabbing fishing rods and dropping them into the pool. Lou, Yueh and Aeris walked over to see Hydro. "I've got a bad feeling about this...." Vincent said, and kept his distance. "Are you a Cetra water spirit?" Aeris asked. "Yes, I am. I guard this temple for eternity," Hydro said. "Uh, you wouldn't happen to know where a piece of the 'WHAMMO' is, would you, Ms. Hydro?" Lou asked. "Oh, yes I do!" Hydro said, smiling. She then turned around and chortled to herself. "(And I'm doin' everything in my power to make sure you don't get it!)" Suddenly, the room started shaking. The pool's water splashed furiously around, knocking the fishing six on their butts. Hydro laughed evilly. "Hydro!...." Yueh exclaimed. "What....." A tidal wave that flooded the room left Yueh underwater as everyone else scrambled to safety on the higher level with burning kerosene lamps. "You..... You're Hydro WEAPON, aren't you?!" Aeris asked. "Oh, how cute, she figured it out!" Hydro said, laughing crazily. "Ha! Those Cetra didn't know what hit 'em when the planet created me to wipe them out! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" "You!........" Cloud said. Hydro's arm morphed into a tentacle and lunged out to grab Yuffie. "Lou! Heeeeeeeeelp!" she screamed. Meanwhile, Yueh was pulling himself out of the water. "No, stop!" he shouted, seeing his friends battling Hydro. "I know how we can stop her!" Warren said, pulling a gas tank out and spilling it all on the edge of the platform. He then kicked one of the kerosene lamps over. The entire platform went up in flames. "AAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!!!!" Hydro wailed. "No!" Yueh yelled, rushing into the flames to find her. "Yueh, stop!" Jessie yelled. "What're you doin', ya %$#$?!" Cid yelled. Yueh found Hydro, nearly dead and severely burned. He picked her up and started to carry her out. "Why.... why are you doing this?" Hydro asked. "We are soul mates, you and I...." Yueh said. "I am your friend, no matter what." "Yueh.... I don't deserve a friend like you," Hydro said, sniffling a little bit. She suddenly jumped out of his arms and just floated over the water for a second. "Yueh, please forgive my deception," she said, then was engulfed in flames. "No, PLEASE! Come back!" Yueh shouted. Nothing. The flames died away and only Yueh and the party remained. "Look!" Tifa said, pointing. On the altar at the end of the room, a metal object had appeared. "It's the first part of the 'WHAMMO!'" Warren said, picking it up. "Looks like a ruby." Yueh stood at the water's edge, holding a boquet of flowers Aeris had made. Everyone else just watched as Yueh set the flowers to rest in the water. "We'll meet again someday, Hydro.... My soul mate." They all turned around and walked back to the submarine. The flowers landed at the base of the Lost Soul tree that now lay implanted beneath the water. After giving Sasha back her submarine and rejoining Shera on the airship, they flew off towards the next area: Star Hall. "How're we gonna get to Star Hall?" Barret asked. "It's in outer space!" "Easy," Shera said. "I'll fly there. This craft's part spaceship, right?" Suddenly, a large THUNK was heard coming from the deck. "The hell is that?!" Cid asked, popping another Jolly Rancher in his mouth. Everyone ran up to look, and they saw a terrifying sight. On the deck stood a warrior. His had spiky black hair and wore a gleaming suit of armor. He had a radar for his right eye, and he held a Buster Sword like Cloud's. "Zack!" Aeris and Cloud said at the same time. Zack sheathed his sword and leaned on the ramp. "'Sumatter, Aeris? Surprised to see me? Cloud, don't you remember?" "What?!" Cloud said, stepping back. "You can't be!" "What do you mean, Cloud?" Lou asked. "Humph!" Zack humphed. "Tell 'em, Cloud." "............." Cloud said. "What's wrong, Cloud?" Aeris asked. Cloud took a deep breath. "Aeris.... He's supposed to be dead." "Huh?!" Aeris gasped. "I watched Shinra troops shoot him in the head," Cloud said. "Yeah," Zack interrupted, "and you didn't do anything to stop 'em! THEN, after they had left, you took my sword and ran off to Midgar! And after all I did for you...." "Please, Zack, we can talk this out," Aeris started. "No, my sweet, we can't!" Zack said, pulling out his sword and slashing at them. "Aeris, you should know by now that these guys NEVER want to 'talk it out,'" Yuffie said. As quick as a wink, Zack swooped through the group and grabbed Aeris. He held her tightly, his sword right underneath her chin, ready to slit her throat. "Come on, Cloud!" he shouted. "Let's settle this!" "Wait a second," Jessie said. "How come you're alive anyway?" Zack opened the chestplate of his armor to reveal moving gears and cogs. "Stilgar got me a brand new body!" he said. "It's much better than the previous model!" "Zack," Cloud started. "Let Aeris go. I'm the one you want." Zack thought for a moment, then gave Aeris a crude kiss and shoved her Lou's way. "Cherish that, sweety," he said, winking evilly. Aeris wiped the slime off her lips. Cloud drew his Buster Sword, Zack drew his Neo-Buster sword (the only difference being that the Neo-Buster has three Materia slots instead of two). Zack gave a war cry and leaped at Cloud, burying his blade into the ship's floor. Cloud had artfully dodged this and was behind Zack now. "Why are you doing this?" he asked. "You're a good kid. Why do you serve Stilgar?" Zack lunged again with his SUPER-CLEAVE Limit Break, his sword blazing with blue fire. "I want revenge, that's why, you boot-licking grunt!" he shouted, carving up the deck even more. "You took my sword, my girl, and my SOLDIER rank! Now it's time for me to take something of yours..... YOUR LIFE!!!!" "No!" Tifa said, jumping on Zack from behind. "You're not killing anybody, Zack!" "Arrrgh! Get off me, you wench!" Zack yelled, bounding around like a buckin' bronco. "Tifa's right. We can't let 'im kill Cloud!" Cid said. "GET HIM!!!" They descended on Zack, ready to defeat him. Zack looked around and laughed. "Ha ha ha ha! What fools! You win today, but TOMMORROW will be MINE!!!" He vanished in a cloud of smoke. "(Cough, hack) Cloud! Are you OK?" Aeris and Tifa asked. "Yeah, I think so," Cloud said, hoisting himself up. "Man, that was mean! Why did he do it?" "Stilgar corrupts minds," Vincent said. "He is worse than Sephiroth." "........" Jessie said, hanging her head. Later that day, Shera took the Phoenix up into the clouds to reach the Star Hall. "Man, outer space is COOL!" Yuffie said. "I mean, I'm not sick or anything!" "That's because of the Stabilizer, remember?" Warren said. "OK, we're docked," Shera said, landing the ship in the ancient docking bay. "Good luck, you guys." "Star Hall...." Hairball said to himself. "Ooh! Ooh! Hairball knows Star Hall!" "Really?" Lou asked. "You know Star Hall?" "Yes, I remember now........" Hairball said. "Star Hall is the place where all Hairballs live until they are chosen by the Mighty One to become an Earth-bound Hairball. I was born here, and then....." "Then what?" Yueh asked. "Yueh wants to know." "Then the Shinra came," Hairball said, frowning. "They take all the poor Hairballs and take them back to Midgar. Hojo did mean ol' tests on each one until they die. Hairball's the only one left. Is only Hairball, and the Mighty One." "Who's the 'Mighty One?'" Aeris asked. "Celestial WEAPON," Hairball said. "Hairballs are the new breed of Cetra the planet's been workin' on, I guess. Celestial WEAPON watches over us, but he's so mean! He like a high-school's detention warden, times ten, no, twenty!" "Brrr!" Lou shivered. "I know what THAT's like." "Look, we're just here to get the next 'WHAMMO' piece. If WEAPON shows up, we'll just give 'em the what-for!....." Jessie said, then glanced down at Hairball. "....Sorry, Hairball." "No, is OK. Celestial WEAPON is the one who let Shinra take away poor Hairballs. Me want revenge!" Hairball said, angrily puffing up his cheeks and inflating to Yueh's size." "Woah! Take it easy, shorty!" Cid said, swallowing his Jolly Rancher by accident. "The Star Hall's real small, an' traps everywhere. I'll go, but I need two others to help me," Hairball said. "I need smart people, who're somewhat small." "I think that Yuffie and Aeris are the smallest ones here," Lou said. "Of course, Jessie and Aeris are the same size." "Hmmm," Hairball thought. "Hairball wants all of 'em! Need lotsa help from small peoples." "Uh, OK," Yuffie said, scratching her head. "I'll come along, IF you don't jump into my lap again, Hairball!" "OK! Let's go, little guy!" Aeris said, smiling. The four of them set out through the dark Star Hall. The pathways were so small that the girls had to stoop, and in some places, crawl. "I feel like a mole," Jessie said. "Where's the main chamber, Hairball?" Yuffie asked. "This way," Hairball said, pointing. "Lotsa Incan-like stuff in dere, so be reeeal careful. Dere be alarms EVERYWHERE, an' Celestial WEAPON no like tresspassers dat ain't Hairballs..... Actually, might not like Hairballs alot any more, either." They continued through the tunnels, the girls gasping for air. "Gaaaaaaaagh," Aeris wheezed. "Too little air!.... I'm going under." "You are NOT." Jessie groused. "And just because I've got gas gives you no excuse for gagging like that!" "Man, if Tifa was here, she'd get stuck, eh?" Yuffie said, smiling mischeviously. "Yuffie, you wisecrackin' little witch," Jessie said, "I didn't exactly trust you when you joined up, but..... a friend of Lou's...... an INTIMATE of Lou's is a friend of mine." "Grossness!" Yuffie said. "That's sick! We haven't gone beyond kissing! That's repulsive." "Sorry," Jessie said, blushing a little. "Can we just shut up and crawl?" Aeris griped. "My hair's becoming undone." They finally reached the center room, which was gigantic. It looked like an omnitheater except that the ground was flat and in the middle of the room there was a great pyramid-like platform. It had at least 100 steps leading upward, all magnificently carved in Incan designs. "Dis's the room where Celestial WEAPON sleeps," Hairball said. "Gotta be REEEEEAL quiet when we take da piece." "Hey, look at this!" Yuffie said, placing her hand on a little brown flute at the base of the steps. "Wow, it's a flute! This must be over 1000 years old." "What, you can play the flute?" Jessie asked. "Yeah! When I was 10, my dad made me play the flute as part of my 'honorable' training. It was the only thing I liked about the training. I'm gonna keep this." "I wonder what's up on those stairs?" Aeris said, reading the Cetra heiroglyphs. "Hmmmm, it says that 'in order to find the Jewels of the Stars, we must 'chant upon the stairs.' What do you think they mean by that?" "I heard once that the Incans left their stories and history in song," Jessie said. "Yuffie, that flute you have.... Play something." Yuffie took a deep breath and played 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.' The song echoed throughought the room, giving everyone chills. "Brrrr," Hairball said, hugging himself. "Is so scary!" "I don't think that was it," Aeris said, looking over the heiroglyphs again. "Hey, there's a lot of lines with little black dots here..... looks like music." Yuffie looked the music over. "Hmmm," she said. "HEY! This is the music for the Gold Saucer!" "Now what d'ya think that's doing here?" Jessie asked. "I don't care," Aeris said. "Yuffie, try standing on the stairs and playing it." "....OK," Yuffie said, nervously mounting the stairs. She played the Gold Saucer theme on her flute, but here the music sounded different. It became an ancient tune, a tune that echoed through time and space, and melded with the stars and rained down upon other worlds and times. It was truly moving. Suddenly, the steps started to move like an escalator. Everyone hopped on as the escalator rose up 100 feet in the air and placed the party at the base of the altar upon which lay a diamond necklace. "The Jewels of the Stars!" Aeris said. "Let's grab 'em and get outta here!" Jessie said. She walked over and grabbed them off the altar. "I wish you hadn't done that, pretty lady," Hairball whined. The floor started to shake, and the steps started to crumble. The escalator quickly gave way and the party went rolling down at top speed until they landed butter-side-up on the ground. The entire stairway gave way and revealed a tall man with great purple wings and his face touched up with war paint. His giant beastly feet started to move, and he spoke. "(YAWN).... Who dares disturb Celestial WEAPON from his slumber!..... YOU! YOU disturbed me?" he roared at the party. "Uh-huh," Hairball said, nodding nervously. "You? Tark-Rann, how'd you get back here? I sent you to Shinra! You're supposed to be dead!" "Tark-Rann?" Yuffie asked. "Must be Hairball's real name," Aeris whispered. "Celestial," Hairball said, bravely confronting the man, "we are here to take the Jewels of the Stars to save the planet from a menace. I have allied myself with some of the bravest humans the planet has to offer. Stand aside or they will surely destroy you." "He's talking normal," Jessie gasped. "Ha!" Celestial laughed, his wings bouncing up and down. "You call that little band of girls warriors? I am the great Celestial WEAPON! You can never beat me!" "Grrrrr," Aeris growled. "Just GIRLS, are we?" "What a pig!" Yuffie roared. "Please, let me handle this, guys!" Hairball said, pushing them towards the door. "This's my fight, an' Hairball wants ta fix it." "Good, you're talking that way again," Jessie said smiling. "You were starting to scare me." Hairball turned to confront Celestial. "OK, let's go! If I win, I keep the Jewels, and I leave quietly." "Ha ha ha! Fine. If you lose, I destroy Earth," Celestial said, laughing evilly. "Oh no!" Yuffie said. "And he's wholly capable of it, too!" "Go, Hairball!" Aeris shouted. "You're representing humanity!" "Go, human beings!" Jessie cheered. Hairball pulled out his little megaphone and started firing black sludge, which Celestial dodged. "Ha! You think you can beat me by just sliming me outta the ballpark?" Celestial fired an Ultima at Hairball, who was hit hard and flew backwards. "Gaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!" he howled, splattering against the wall and oozing back again. "Hairball's just gettin' warmed up!" He launched a BOLT 3 spell, which crippled Celestial's legs. "Graaagh!" Celestial howled, taking to the air and flying around, firing nail bullets at Hairball. The bullets just sank in and fell out the other side. "You forget Hairball's a Hairball or sumthin'?" Hairball asked, leaping at Celestial. "It's cool, yet it's also disgusting," Yuffie said, making a face. Hairball jumped on Celestial and oozed into his systems. "Hey, what're you doing in there? Stop it! Ooh! Hey, that tickles! Agh! Stoppit! GWAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" Celestial WEAPON exploded and bits and pieces and shards of him flew past the girls. Hairball remained standing where Celestial had been. "I found his self-destruct button," Hairball said, grinning happily. "Yay, Hairball!" the girls cheered, lifting him up and doing a hip-hip-hooray thing for him. They went back to the Phoenix, happy and excited. There was only one temple left; the Fire Pyramid. "Okay," Warren said as he examined the two pieces they had found. "We have a ruby and a diamond necklace. What kind of weapon are we supposed to make out of these? A jewelry sale?" "Doesn't matter," Barret said. "We's gonna get that last piece an' beat Stilgar's butt an' make the world peaceful again!" "Uh, guys," Shera said, looking at the monitor. "There's a big black hole headed our way!" "What?" Jessie asked as everyone rushed to the window. "This's unnatural! Black holes don't move on their own!" "You're right," the black hole boomed into their heads. "I am a living being. My name is BLACKHOLE, and you're trespassing on my property! Now DIE!" It started to suck up the area around the airship. The Star Hall was sucked in and vanished without a trace. "Your turn!" Blackhole said, its black eyes flashing with red. "Whaaaaaaah!" Cid yelled, grabbing onto a chair. "He means business!" The Phoenix drifted towards the gaping hole, drawing ever closer to certain doom. "Wait a second!" Jessie said, "we have weapons on the ship, don't we?" "Well, yeah, but....." Shera said. "But nothing!" Warren shouted. "Fire 'em!" Shera hit a button, and a red laser shot out of the Phoenix's masthead. It hit Blackhole square in the eye, and it howled in pain. "Graaarrrgh! You'll pay for this, feeble creatures!" It started going in reverse, and bits and pieces of space junk flew out and struck the Phoenix hard. Systems started to deteriorate. "Oh, this's just fine and dandy!" Cid cursed, attempting to repair the machinery. "How're we supposed to fight without weapons?" "Like this," Lou said, grabbing his hammer and running out to the deck. "Lou, come back!" Yuffie shouted. "The systems are failing, and the shield could go at any minute! You've gotta stay in here!" Lou didn't listen. He dashed up onto the deck and readied his hammer. Blackhole laughed viciously. "Ha ha ha ha! You dare to challenge me?!" Lou used his Lightning Toss Limit Break, which sent a giant bolt of electricity at Blackhole. It shrank back, heavily damaged. "Take that!" Lou said. "You're pretty strong for a mortal....." Blackhole said, reestablishing itself. "...But a mortal is all you are!" It began sucking things in again, and Lou was sucked in as well. "LOU!!!!!" Yuffie screamed. "Lou!" Warren yelled. "Lou......" Jessie whispered. "Guhhhhhh," Lou moaned as he picked himself up off the cold, stone floor he was lying on. "Where am I?" A shadowy figure stood over him, munching on a cracker. "Well, Lou," he said, "you certainly got yourself in a pickle." "Cracker-Eating Man!" Lou said. "Why have you brought me here?" "Well, you're not really here," the man said, "you're inside a black hole, with very little chance of being rescued. You're nothing, Lou. Absolutely nothing. You want to defeat Stilgar? Don't make me laugh!" "What do you mean?" Lou asked. "Stilgar is not what he seems," the man said, "and the true power that Stilgar has is unimaginable. Give it up, loser. You're nothing but a delusional bum." "Bum?!" Lou roared. "BUM?! Who are you, man? WHO ARE YOU?! And don't show me that you're me, because I know you aren't!" The shadowy figure chewed on his cracker. "Request denied," he said, spitting cracker crumbs onto Lou's shirt. He vanished in a blaze of light and Lou was thrown on his face and knocked out. "Lou......." a soft voice was saying. "Lou, wake up." "Lou, come on!...." another soft voice said. "If you're not alive, at least tell us!" "Yo, dumbass!" Barret's rough voice shouted, "get up! Time's a-waistin'!" "What?...." Lou mumbled, opening his eyes. Everyone was standing around him, watching him anxiously. He was back on his bed on the Phoenix. "Oh, thank God!" Aeris said. "You're OK!" "Meow," Herr Püssy Wüssy mewed, hopping up on the bed and nuzzling Lou's hand. "What.... happened?" Lou asked. "After you got sucked up, Shera got the weapons working again, and we blasted that Blackhole," Cid said. "When he was dyin', the black hole went in reverse and spewed you out. Since a human can only last 12 seconds in space, we saved ya pretty darn quick. "Thanks, you guys," Lou said, grinning. "I'm glad I've got friends like you." "Oh, Lou!" Yuffie said, throwing her arms around him. "Don't do that again! Please!" "Don't worry, I won't....." Lou said, remembering his premonition. "Well, let's get moving! The Fire Pyramid is at Mt. Nibel, and we've gotta get there FAST!" Warren said, pumping his fist. "Alright, alright!" Cid said. "Let's go, Shera." The group flew to Mt. Nibel's Mako Reactor. As they stepped out, Cloud breathed a little uneasy. "What's wrong, Cloud?" Tifa asked. "Unpleasant memories," Cloud said, shaking his head. The group walked into the reactor and looked around. "Sure is a dump," Jessie said. "This is where they kept Jenova?" Warren said, gazing at the tube. "Scary!.... Hey, what the...." "What's up, Warren?" Aeris asked. Warren kicked aside a piece of metal to reveal a flight of steps. Everyone gathered around and looked. "I think we've found our entrance," Vincent said calmly. "OK, here goes nothing," Lou said, starting to climb down the ladder. "Wait up," Yueh said, hopping down the ladder after him. Everyone followed in a similar matter. They finally reached the bottom of the steps. "Whew," Lou said, wiping his brow. "Is it just me, or is it really hot in here?" "It's really hot in here," Tifa said, pointing at the magma that bubbled in little pools here and there. The group was standing in a huge volcanic basin, completely sealed into the mountain. Lava bubbled and splattered on the grounds. The smell of sulfur was almost unbearable. In the center stood a large, red pyramid. "The Fire Pyramid!" Hairball cried. "Well, DUH," Barret muttered. "Let's get in, get the piece, an' get OUT." The group ventured into the pyramid. All was dead quiet. Throughout the hallway, torches burned and Cetra heiroglyphs lined the walls. Aeris was able to interpret a few of them. "Hmmmm," Aeris said, reading the walls with her fingers. "It says 'the evil one who summons Meteor will grow even stronger as the ages progress.' Now what do you suppose that means?" "It probably means that Sephiroth's horrific acts will spark new terrorists to try to conquer Earth that way," Cloud said, shaking his head. "Whatever," Lou said, shrugging. "Let's find that piece." The tunnels grew hotter and hotter as the group traveled further into the pyramid. Now they were in a burial chamber. Decorated coffins and bandage-swathed mummies lay strewn all over. "Brrrr!" Jessie said, hugging herself. "The rest of the temple's HOT, but this room's icy COLD." "Aeris, what do the heiroglyphs on that funeral altar say?" Warren asked, pointing at an old funeral pyre. Aeris went over and looked at them for a long time. "Hmmm," she said finally. "It says that the third piece, the Ruby of the Earth, is held by the guardian of all fire...... Must be the next WEAPON." "Hey, what's this switch do?" Cid asked, reaching out to grab it. "No, DON'T!!!!!" everyone else shouted. Too late. Cid yanked the switch and the tunnels they had just come out of collapsed. They were trapped! "Nice work, Cid," Tifa growled. "So, if we're trapped in here with a bunch of dead people," Yuffie said, trying to think up a logical conclusion, "chances are that these mummies will come to life and then the next WEAPON will appear." Suddenly, the mummies started groaning and sitting up. They lurched towards the party, their eyes burning green. "Uhhhhhh," Jessie said, backing up, "Uhhhhhhh, WE'RE DOOMED!!!!!" "Not so," Vincent said, facing the mummies and standing between them and the party. Vincent began to glow red. "Vincent?" Aeris asked. "Vincent's lookin' funny!" Hairball shouted. Vincent gave a werewolf howl and transformed into a giant winged demon. As the mummies advanced, he opened his great wings and started flapping them wildly. The bandages started to fly off, until there was nothing left of the mummies but dust. Vincent then transformed back into his lovable old self. "Wow, Vincent!" Lou said. "I didn't know you could do that!" "I'm full of surprises, Lou," Vincent said calmly. "Thanks, Vincent!" Jessie said. "We owe you!" "Hmmmm," Vincent said, blushing deeply. "Oh, how cute!" a voice said. "Looks like someone's got the.... HOTS.... for someone else!" "What? Who the ^%#$'s there?!" Barret shouted, aiming his gun-arm. Everyone watched as one of the heiroglyphs on the wall started to move, then jumped out of the wall and confronted them in full 3-D splendor. It was a red robot with spiky edges on his helmet and flowing fiery hair. He held a large, flaming sword. "WEAPON!" Aeris said. "Pyro WEAPON to you mortals," Pyro said. "Well, I'm not one to brag, but when I'm through with you guys, you'll look just like those mummies you just mauled. EN GUARDE!" "I'll handle this one, too," Vincent said, pulling out his gun. They squared off in the center of the room. "You think you can take me, little man?" Pyro said, slashing his flaming sword at Vincent. "I'm the master of all fire-related objects! What can you possibly do to stop me?" "This," Vincent said, whipping out his Ice Materia. "ICE 3!!!" he shouted, firing a giant blizzard at Pyro. Pyro easily deflected it with his sword. "Little fool! Fire beats Ice any day in MY pyramid!" he said, laughing. He slashed at Vincent and gave him a nasty swipe in the arm. Burn marks flared up on all of Vincent's wounds. "Arrrrrgh!" Vincent yelled. "VINCENT!!!" Jessie shouted. "Now for the grand finale!" Pyro said, whirling his sword around to create a massive fire stormcloud. "Have a taste of my NUKE FLARE attack!!!" The giant ball of fire flew towards Vincent. Suddenly, it was knocked back at Pyro by a gun blast. Jessie jumped onto the scene and used her BOLT 3 spell to short-circuit Pyro. "ARRRRRRRRK!" Pyro gasped, falling on his side. "You....Little.... Spark plug...." he cursed. "Fine.... you beat me... Take the ruby." He exploded and became a Lost Soul tree, with the ruby perched neatly on it. Jessie walked over and picked it up. "Ha!" she said. She suddenly remembered Vincent. "Vincent!" she said, running towards him and helping him up. "Are you OK?" "Jessie," Vincent wheezed, "I'm.... sorry. I'm sorry to have caused so much trouble. Unnnh...." "Vincent! No!" Jessie said, clutching him as he fell. Warren took Vincent's pulse. "I'm sorry, Jessie...... he's dead." "Dead?......" Jessie asked, the tears welling up in her eyes. "Damn!" Cid cursed, throwing his Jolly Rancher on the ground angrily. "Just when we need the most help we can get...." "He really loved you, Jessie," Lou said, shaking his head. Yuffie sniffled a little bit. "Hairball's really sad...." Hairball said, hanging his head. "How many must die for peace?" Cloud asked. "Poor Vincent." Jessie buried her face in Vincent's chest. "No....no....NO!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed. "Vincent, come back.... Please......" Suddenly, Jessie's Enemy Skill Materia started to glow. It rose into the air and hovered over Vincent. "Wh-what?" Jessie asked. "The Materia's doin' somethin'!" Barret said. The Materia glowed a deep green, and a reddish glow started around Vincent's body. The body became encased in light. "It's the Angel Whisper magic!" Lou said. "I read about it once. It revives ANYTHING." Vincent's left hand's pinky finger twitched. "Unnnnnh," he groaned. "Vincent?...." Tifa asked. "You OK?" "Yeah, I guess so," Vincent said, sitting up. "VINCENT!!!!" Jessie said, giving him a great big hug. "Oh, I was so worried! You're alive!" "I was sitting on a beach......" Vincent said, getting up, Jessie supporting him. "I was enjoying myself, but then... Lucrecia came up to me. She said 'Vincent, it's not your time yet,' and then I was back here." "Good to have you back," Lou said, grinning. "Oh, Vincent!!!!" Jessie said, hugging him around the neck and smothering him with kisses.  "Jessie, if you strangle him, he'll die again!" Aeris said. "Ease up!" "Oh, heh heh, sorry," Jessie said, releasing her grip on the blue-faced Vincent. "How ya feeling?" Hairball asked. "HURRRRK!" Vincent answered. "Cleanup on aisle 6," Cloud said, making a face. "Come on," Lou said. "We have to find another way out." "No problem," Barret said, pointing upwards. "There's a trap door leading upwards." Yueh walked over, punched a hole in the ceiling, and got down on his knees for people to start climbing up. "Hurry," Yueh said. "Might be zombies around here." They all hiked up and got ready to battle, but there weren't any more mummies. "That's a relief," Tifa said. "I hate guys in bandages." They continued through the tombs, dodging booby-traps and Aeris reading the heiroglyphs, until they reached a room with an EXIT sign. "Hurray!" Yuffie said, jumping for joy. "We're out!" "Hey," Aeris said, reading the heiroglyphs near the locked exit door, "it says that there's a booby trap in here that reacts to musical notes. Yuffie, don't play your flute." Suddenly, everyone jumped. They had heard someone else behind them. "All of you, move to the left without a sound!" a voice barked. Everyone did, and Zack emerged from behind them and grabbed Aeris. He backed up until he was standing behind a giant snake statue with its mouth opening. "Ha! I got you guys this time!" he laughed. "Zack....." Cloud said, frowning. "Why are you doing this?" "I'm a mercernary, remember, gel-head?" Zack retorted. "Stilgar payed me a bundle for this job, an' I'm takin' what I've earned. Come on, Aeris, honey, let's go somewhere a little more private." "Aeris!" Warren shouted. "Lemme go, you two-bit double-crossin'...." Aeris said, struggling to free herself, but Zack's robotic hand held her tight. "Now, all of you march outside. My lift back to Stilgar's fort is waiting, and I don't wanna lose my pay." Zack barked. "I've got a better idea," Yuffie said, slyly withdrawing her flute. "Why don't you just face the music?" "Yuffie, DON'T!!!" Lou shouted. Too late. Yuffie played the Gold Saucer music again, and the snake statue that Zack was standing against fired a giant ball of fire. Zack was engulfed in flames. Aeris managed to free herself in the confusion, though she did get burned a little. Zack sunk to the floor, roaring and cursing. He started to crawl towards them. "Aeris.... Aeris...." he groaned. He sounded almost inhuman. Finally, he fell to the ground and moved no more. Aeris wiped the sweat off her brow. "Phew....." she said, gasping. "The merry Gold Saucer music became Zack's dirge," Tifa said. "Zack...." Cloud said, shaking his head. "Why didn't you listen?" After everyone got back to the airship and flew off, Lou put the three pieces together on the table. "I wonder what these parts will do," he said. Suddenly, they started glowing and hovered into the air. "Huh?" Warren asked. The three stones glowed red, and suddenly, the group heard a great rumbling. They looked out the windows. "Look!" Jessie said. "Stilgar's barrier is dropping!" "Good. Let's get in there and nail the pest!" Cloud said. "Move out!" "Shera, let's fly!" Lou said. Shera nodded and set the controls. "It's gonna take a few hours to get there. Why don't you guys rest?" she asked. "Sounds good," Vincent said. "Jessie....." "Yes?" Jessie asked, blushing slightly. "We may not live through this....." Vincent said. "Would you.... uh...." "OK, we'll leave you kids alone," Cid said, grinning. "Go on and enjoy it." "Lou," Yuffie said, "maybe we should too....?" "No, Yuffie," Lou said. "The valiant only taste of that stuff when the job is truly finished." "Hmmm," Cloud said, "wish I'd heard that saying." "Well, I'm going to go nap," Aeris said, yawning. "Good night." "I've gotta keep working on my high-tech Final Fantasy 7 game simulator," Warren said. "It puts the player in Cloud's position. I'll let you guys try it sometime." Warren dashed off to his room. "I need a shower," Tifa said, walking towards her room. "See you later, Cloud." "Heh heh heh," Barret chuckled. "Girls everywhere.... An' I don't care! Ain't that something?" "Yuffie, maybe you should take a nap, too," Lou said. "It's good to rest before something. Why, I-" "ZZZZZZZZZZ(SNORE)ZZZZZZZZ," Yuffie snored, leaning on Lou. "There it is," Shera announced the next morning as the Phoenix drifted in a stormy sky. "Stilgar's castle....." The castle stood on the mountain like a giant winged demon. It glared menacingly down at the airship with its giant towers and its burning torches. Lightning flashed outside, and the group set forward with grim determination. "Shera, fly this ship somewhere safe," Cid ordered. "We'll call for you ASAP." "OK," Shera said. "Cid, be careful!" "Will do," Cid said, backflipping out of the ship and onto the rocks. Everyone else did the same. The Phoenix then soared off to the north and disappeared into the clouds. "Well, this is it," Lou said, readying his hammer. "You guys ready?" "Yeah!" everyone answered. "Fine then. CHARGE!!!!" Lou shouted, and the party charged up the hill and through the front doors of the castle. "I hate to say it, Jess," Barret said, readying his gun-arm, "but your daddy's goin' down!" "......" Jessie said. The group stomped through hall after hall, battling the waves of Skeledead troopers that barred their way. "This is too easy!" Tifa said as she hurled a trooper through the wall. "Yeah, it is," Lou said in a pensive mood. The Cracker-Eating Man's words still lingered in his head. Your friends will betray you.... Lou shivered. They finally reached Stilgar's hall, looking just like it had last time. "Stilgar, where are you?!" Lou shouted. "I KNOW you're here!" There was a brilliant flash of light, and Stilgar appeared. At his side was an orange robot wearing circus garb and carrying a whip. "So good to see you again, daughter," Stilgar said to Jessie. "......." Jessie said. "Jessie...." Vincent said. "Oh, so you two finally got together?" Stilgar mocked. "Well, prepare to be separated!" A giant skeleton spider came down out of the ceiling and fired a sticky web at both Jessie and Warren. They became encased in the web, then the spider grabbed them and stuck them to the ceiling. "Warren! No!" Aeris cried. "What do you want with Warren?" she asked Stilgar. "He's going to build my new arsenal of undead weaponry," Stilgar said, laughing evilly. "As for Jessie, I've got to do a little father-daughter bonding..." "You....!" Lou said. "NOW!" Stilgar said, motioning to the robot. "This is my latest creation, Ringmaster! Show them what you can do." "With pleasure, boss!" Ringmaster said, withdrawing from his pocket several little horn-like objects. "HI-YAAAA!!!" he shouted, hurling them at the party. Lou and Herr Püssy Wüssy dodged them, but everyone else got hit. The horns attached themselves to their foreheads. Everyone's expressions changed into viciously evil looks. "What?....." Lou asked himself. "My mind-controlling horns have made you outnumbered, kid," Ringmaster chortled. "They are unaware of pain or fear. You CAN'T defeat them! However...." With a flick of Ringmaster's hand, the party surrounded Lou. One by one, each character hit Lou hard with his or her weapon, each wearing a grin of evil satisfaction. Cloud gave him an awful slash across the back. Barret pumped his arm with needles. Tifa socked his jaw, spilling spit and blood everywhere. Aeris jabbed him in the stomach with the pointy edge of her staff. Hairball used a Fire 3 spell to set his clothes on fire. Cid stuck him in the side with his spear. Vincent shot him in the leg. Yueh grabbed him and squeezed so hard that Lou thought he heard his ribs crack. Finally, Yuffie came up to him, wearing the vilest grin of all. "Et tu, Yuffie?" Lou wheezed, a tear trickling down his face. Yuffie took her shuriken and sliced his stomach open. He roared in pain and fell to the floor. "LOU!!!!!" Warren and Jessie yelled. "Get a large broom and sweep out this garbage," Stilgar said to his Skeledead troops, laughing evilly. Lou was hurled out and rolled down the mountain, hitting every sharp rock that was in his way. He finally came to rest at the base of the mountain, looking more like a bleeding, slimy dirt ball than a human being. Herr Püssy Wüssy came scampering down after him and nuzzled his hair. Lou did not stir. Suddenly, a familiar figure, who had happened to be walking along that road at the time, saw what had happened. She grabbed Lou and carried him away. Lou passed out. The next thing Lou knew, he was sitting in a chair in a courtroom. The seats were full of people he had known throughout his life, including his mother, father and third grade teacher. In the jury box sat the rest of the party members, all with the little horns on their heads. To his right sat Scarlet, dressed in a gray, flannel suit and carrying a briefcase. The judge sat up in his chair in shadow, nibbling on saltine crackers. "Order in the court!" the judge said, pounding with his gavel. "In the case of the people VS. Lou Degobah, the accused may approach the bench." Suddenly, Stilgar appeared next to Lou, holding a whip. He lashed Lou in the back with it. The judge read off a list. "You are accused of fantasizing..... (WHIP).... Daydreaming..... (WHIP)..... And just making stuff up(WHIP). Witness, please!" As Lou nursed his lashed back, his seventh-grade home ec teacher, Mrs. Farm, came up to the bench. "I saw him!" she thundered, pointing her finger accusingly at Lou. "In my class, he was always drawing cartoons. He never liked working in groups, and he's a lousy cook!" Another whiplash came from Stilgar. Scarlet stood up and opened her briefcase. "Your honor, I have documented evidence that the defendant was encouraged by his parents and early teachers to be a creative and artistic person. The imagination is merely another form of art. Furthermore-" "SILENCE!!!!" the judge roared, sending a giant lightning bolt down that reduced Scarlet to a lump of carbon. So much for the defense. "Jury," the judge said, munching on his crackers again, "what is your verdict?" "GUILTY!!!!!!!!!" all the party members yelled. The judge slammed his gavel into the podium. "Lou Degobah, I sentence you to reality. You'll live alone in Normoon, a lazy slob of a loser who can't get a job, girlfriend, or your rent paid. CASE DISMISSED!" Lightning flashed, and Lou found himself back in Normoon. "Oh, no," Lou said, looking out the window at the pouring rain. "Was it all a dream, then?....." "Lou....." a voice above him said. It was a soft voice, one that he had heard before. "Lou....." it said again. "Fer cryin' out loud! Wake up!" another voice with a New York accent said. Lou had also heard this voice before. Suddenly, he felt something cold on his face. Lou's eyes popped open. He was lying in a hospital bed, almost every part of his body hurt, save his head and right pinky. Around him stood five people. Scarlet, Cait Sith, Reeve, Shera, and Don Corneo II. "What?.... How did I get here?" he asked. "Well," Scarlet said, "I was taking a walk around the mountain when I found you all beat up. I hauled you to the Gold Saucer, where Corneo put you on his private plane and flew you to Pseudo-Midgar, where Cait Sith and Reeve got you into the hospital.... You nearly died." "You're lucky I wasn't far off," Shera said. "I piloted the Phoenix to Pseudo Midgar after Corneo's jet had taken off." "Thanks, guys," Lou said. "Ohhhh, I feel so miserable...." "You sick?" Cait and Reeve asked at the same time, them being the same person and all. "No, depressed." Lou said. He told them all what had happened. "What a tragedy!" Corneo said, flinging his hands up in a dramatic way. "Two lovers, separated by hate and a mind-control device, turning on each other.... Sort of like Romeo and Juliet meets Joy Luck Club.... What a great idea for a play!" "Shut up, Corneo!" Scarlet snapped. She then turned back to Lou. "Man, that's terrible.... Having your girlfriend turn on you like that...." "Yeah!" Cait/Reeve said. "That's just awful. Plus, they're all back at Stilgar's." "We're gonna need some help," Lou said. "Actually, it looks like just ME, now....." "You're plannin' another assault?" Cait/Reeve said. "Fine. I'm comin' with you! You guys need me." "There is also one other person who might help," Shera said. "Red XIII?" Lou asked. "He's still at Cosmo Canyon. You'll just need to fly there," Scarlet said. "I need to get back to my job at Microhard. See you later, Lou." Scarlet walked out the door, and Lou woozily got out of the bed and walked towards the airship. Reeve and Corneo waved good-bye to them and went back inside for a soft spot of hot tea. "Red'll probably be happy to join," Cait said as the ship flew off south. "Maybe...." Lou said, and went back into the other rooms of the Phoenix. It looked so empty without anyone else. Warren's inventions went unbuilt. Tifa's jacuzzi went unswirled. Cid's Jolly Rancher stash went uneaten. Lou sighed heavily and went into Yuffie's room. The room was done up like a Japanese-style home, with a small table with a tea set and paper-like walls. The only things that showed that this was really Yuffie's room was the porthole looking out into the sky, the big screen TV with a Super Nintendo system that had every Squaresoft and Mega Man game ever made, and Yuffie's bed, which was a big waterbed with satin sheets, heart-shaped pillows and drapes. "Man, Yuffie's got it good," Lou said to himself as he looked around. "It's so lonely without anyone else...." He went into Tifa's room and saw the blue dresser which Tifa had been painting. It was unfinished, and a big brown spot was where there was no paint. Lou choked back a sniffle. Without his friends, he was a helpless wimp that couldn't beat a snail, and now he realized that, though the thought had been in his head since the start of the trip. "Why did I have to be the one that Ringmaster didn't hit?" he asked himself. "Why couldn't he have missed Cloud or Cid? He could have at least missed Yuffie.... Better me than her... Oh, Yuffie....." Lou said, hanging his head and banging it against the wall. "Why? Why?" Lou went to his room and fell asleep on his plain, spring bed. He had a dream in which he and Yuffie were out in a flowery field, frolicking. "Lou! We're here!" Cait's voice slashed through Lou's mind and he woke with a start. "Huh? Oh.... Thanks, Cait. I'm coming." Lou, Cait and Shera hopped out of the ship and walked into Cosmo Canyon. "Ho ho hooooo," Bugenhagen said when he saw them again. "Lou, you're back? Only you and these two? What happened to the others?" "Well, you see....." Lou explained the whole thing. "Ho ho hoooo," Bugenhagen said. "It would appear that this is your trial, Lou. Some force is trying to test you and see how you react in situations like this. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was the planet." "......?" Lou said. "Trial, huh? Just like that dream...." "Dream? Ho ho hoooo! Tell me! It might shed more light on the topic," Bugenhagen said as he hovered in the air. Lou told what his dream was like. Bugenhagen scratched his chin. "Hm hm hmmmmm," he said. "This man with the crackers is apparently the driving force behind this whole quest. Lou, your journey will end when you find this cracker-eating man. He is your real enemy." "But Stilgar was in the dream too...." Cait objected. "This means that Stilgar is not the leader of this uprising!" Bugenhagen said. "The cracker man must be controlling him!" "Anyway Bugenhagen," Lou said. "The reason we came here is to ask Red XIII to join us. We're going back to Stilgar's castle, and we need at least one more party member." "Please, Bugenhagen?" Shera asked. "Your grandson's battling skills would help us a lot." "You may talk to him," Bugenhagen said, motioning towards the planetarium. "He's in there." The three went into the planetarium, where Red sat, gazing up at the stars. "Red!" Lou said. "Oh, hello Lou," Red said as he sat up. "What can I do for you?" "Red, we need help," Cait Sith said. "Stilgar's nabbed everyone else and we need you to come and fight with us." "........I can't, guys," Red said. "I have to protect Cosmo Canyon from intruders." "But....." Lou said. "Really, I'm sorry. You'll have to do this one without me." The three left in silence. "Boy, what a lame-o!" Shera said, "I thought he was braver than that!" Lou said. "He used to be," Cait said. "He was a vicious lion when I first met him." "........Well, the vicious lions did evolve into housecats," Lou said, looking at Herr Püssy Wüssy. "I suppose Red decided to follow that evolutionary ladder, too." Suddenly, hundreds of skeleton dragons flew overhead towards Cosmo Canyon. They landed and started wreaking havoc. "Oh, no!" Shera said. "Shera, wait here," Lou said. He and Cait dashed back to the canyon. The town already was pretty destroyed. The dragons were flying around, impaling any people with their sharp tailbones. "Stilgar must've did this...." Lou said. "Well, what're we waitin' for?" Cait said, rushing up and ordering his Mog to bop a dragon. It shattered into a million bone fragments. Lou used his Thundara Carnival Limit Break to bring down a few others. They heard a loud roar from the other side of the town and rushed to help. Red XIII was fighting hard to protect Bugenhagen, but the dragons just kept coming. "Red, we're here to help!" Lou shouted, slamming his hammer into a dragon's head. It shattered. "Thanks, guys," Red said, using his Stardust Ray Limit Break to bring down three dragons at once. "HEEEEYAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Lou said, slashing through the dragons with his hammer flailing like a sword. Cait was using his Fire Materia to light up the dragons and burn them down. Soon, all the dragons had been destroyed. Many people had died, but Red and Bugenhagen were still OK, and Bugenhagen's study was all right, too. Red looked around at the destruction. He finally faced Lou and said "OK, now I'll go with you." "Ho ho hoooo," Bugenhagen said. "Come back alive, you three, and bring the rest with you! Remember, Lou, the cracker-man is your enemy!" "Thanks, Bugenhagen," Lou said as they walked back towards the airship. "We're almost at Stilgar's," Shera said. "You three gonna be OK?" "Yeah!" Lou, Cait and Red all said at once. They then leaped out onto the hill leading up to Stilgar's castle and charged in. "Stilgar's an interesting decorator," Cait said, looking at all the corpses lining the walls. "How could Jessie's father degenerate to this degree?" Lou asked. "....Let's go free our friends," Red said, walking forward. "I wonder where they could be...." Cait said as the three walked through the dark halls. They finally reached a room filled with magma. Sulfur was heavy in the air. "Glaaaugh!" Lou said, choking. "What a stench!" "This's a big room," Red said. "I wouldn't be surprised if there was an ambush." Suddenly, through the door on the other side of the room, leaped Cid. He brandished his spear menacingly, and he was smoking a cigarette. The mind control horn blazed bright red on his head. "Cid! And after all the crap I went through to get you to quit!" Lou said, getting very angry. Cid leaped through the air, his spear blazing in his Dragon Dive Limit. He struck many times, injuring the three travelers at least once each. "Grrrr," Red said. He used his Sled Fang Limit to knock the spear out of Cid's hands. Cait and Lou then took turns hitting the horn. Finally, it came off, and Cid fell to his knees. "^%#$! What happened?!" Cid asked angrily, spitting the cigarette out of his mouth. He then stood up. "Lou! Red XIII! Cait Sith!.... Anyone got a Jolly Rancher?" Lou handed over a strawberry-banana candy to Cid, who happily started sucking on it. "What happened, Cid?" Cait asked. "Where is everybody?" "Stilgar's placed 'em all over the castle," Cid said. "There's one in each area ahead. You're in the basement now, and there's three floors and then the tower. My guess is that that's where Stilgar's holding Jessie an' Warren. Let's MOVE OUT!" Cid charged ahead. "Cid, wait!" Lou said. "You said yourself that this place's dangerous!.... Besides, the way you run creeps me out." "Oh, OK...." Cid said, stopping and waiting for the others to catch up. They all started through some even darker tunnels leading downwards. "(Brrr!) It's getting colder by the second," Lou said. "Yeah, this's the 'deep freeze' section of the castle where Stilgar keeps all his frozen stuff.... Ice beasts, yetis, you know." "Great," Cait grumbled. "Iced ninnies for us to deal with." They came to a great icy gate. It opened very slowly, with a voice that said, "welcome to.... Popsicle Zone! Ha haaaa!" "I hate those commercials," Red grumbled. They all walked into the large chamber. It was cold all over, and ice coated the floor. Drifts of snow blew across the floor, since there were windows on both sides letting the cold mountain air in. "Wonder who's here...." Lou said. Suddenly, Hairball dropped down in front of them. He inflated himself and started spewing sludge at them. "Look out!" Lou shouted. Everyone dodged quickly, and then tried to strike back. Physical attacks didn't work, as Hairball just slimed his way out of them. Red used his Fire Materia to ignite Hairball, then Lou used his hammer like a boomerang to knock the horn off Hairball's head. "Huh? What happen? Hairball don't remember nuthin'...." Hairball said. "Oh, Lou! Yay! Hairball was so worried!" Hairball hopped up in Lou's lap. Lou politely shoved him off and asked him what he knew. "Oh, Hairball hasn't seen Yuffie or any other pretty ladies lately..." Hairball said. "All Hairball knows is that the next room gots Yueh in it." "Yueh?...." Cid said. "Anyone got any Bolt spells?" "Since I have all the group's Materia, I have Jessie's Enemy Skill Materia, which has Trine," Lou said. "I'll equip it right away." "Ohhh, Hairball hates cold," Hairball said, shivering. "Let's go fast." They walked through some more dark corridors until they reached a room filled with conveyor belts. Different parts of skeletons of various animals were riding on these, and being assembled into Skeledead troops. Lou and company had to beat a few up to get through. They finally got to the center, where Yueh came out of a conveyor belt and attacked them. "Look out!" Cait shouted. "Now, Lou!" "OK," Lou said, firing the Trine attack. Yueh was zapped so hard that the horn flew off really fast. He fell on his face and groaned. "Unnhhhh," Yueh groaned. "Where am I?...." "You OK, Yueh?" Lou asked. "Yes, but...." Yueh said. "Don't worry about it. You didn't have the time to hurt anybody." ".......There are stairs to the ground floor," Yueh said. "There are more of our friends there." "Let's get moving!" Cid said. "To the next floor!" The group dashed up the stairs at the end of the room and started to walk up them, when there was a great rumbling. "What's happenin'?!" Cait asked. "Grandfather told me that the planet is growing angry at us," Red said. "The planet is angry with all the pollution and crap we've been doing to it, and it's bound to do something sooner or later. Perhaps it's going to try to wipe us out with an earthquake." "Oh, great," Lou mumbled. "Now we've got Stilgar and the planet to worry about." "Let's take out Stilgar first!" Cid said. "Come on!" They dashed up the stairs and onto the next floor, where they immediately encountered another room. This one looked like a church, with stained glass windows and everything. By then, it was getting dark, and storm clouds were moving in from the west. "Who's here?!" Lou asked. "Who's here? Please answer!" Aeris suddenly rose out of the ground. Her eyes blazed red and she started firing fireballs all over the place. "Aiiieeeee!!!!" Cait shouted. "Pretty lady! Stop!" Hairball shouted, running up and hopping into her lap. She angrily tried to throw him off, but he stayed there, firmly stuck to her dress. The more she struggled, the more he stuck to her. He finally just reached up and yanked the horn off her head. She fell to her knees. "Oi," she said, shaking her head. "What hit me?...." "Aeris!" Lou said, coming over to help her up. "What happened?" "I.... was covered in darkness...." Aeris said, still panting. "I... heard the planet say.... that... it would personally send each human to its final account.... There's something wrong..." "I'll say," Cid said, shaking his head. "Come on, let's try to find everyone else. We still have to find Tifa, Cloud, Barret, Vincent, Jessie, Warren and Yuffie." They continued through the dark hallways until they reached yet another room. This one was a tomb-like area. There were coffins everywhere, and a large window that looked out at the approaching storm clouds and the big city of North Corel. Most of the coffins stayed shut, but the last one opened up, and Vincent came out. "Vincent!" Yueh said. Vincent aimed his gun at them and fired. Aeris was shot in the arm, Lou was shot in the knee, Cid had the Jolly Rancher shot out of his mouth, and Cait was knocked off his mog. Yueh approached Vincent, since he was the only one a bullet wouldn't hurt. He picked Vincent up gently and yanked the horn off his head. Vincent shook his head and looked around. "What? What have I done?" he asked. "White Wind!" Lou said, using the Enemy Skill Materia. Everyone was instantly healed of the bullet wounds. "Sorry," Vincent said. "Where is Jessie?" "We don't know...." Lou said. "...Come," Vincent said. "I must find her." "OK, Vincent," Lou said. "I've gotta find Yuffie, and Aeris's gotta find Warren. We all have to find someone in our life." "...Hydro...." Yueh said, hanging his head. "...Shera...." Cid said. "What?" Aeris asked. "N-nuthin!" Cid said, shaking his head. "What the ^%#$ you starin' at?! Let's go, let's go!!!" They charged into the next room, which was a make-up of Nibelheim. "Looks like Cloud and Tifa's territory...." Red said. "They could attack together..." Red was right. Cloud and Tifa leapt out of the bushes and attacked the party. While Aeris, Lou, Vincent and Cait took on Tifa, Red, Cid, Yueh and Hairball took on Cloud. "Tifa, please calm yourself!" Vincent said, trying to reason with her. She kicked him in the chin hard, and he want flying. "Tifa, stop!" Aeris said, using her staff to knock the horn off Tifa. Tifa sank to the floor. "Cloud, stop it!" Cid said. "You stupid ^%#$$#(%)^%^!!!!" Cloud slashed at Cid and destroyed his Jolly Rancher. Red leaped up and bit Cloud's arm. He yelled in pain, and dropped the sword. Hairball then aimed a sludge ball and knocked the horn off. "What?.... Huh....?" Cloud and Tifa both said. They then looked at each other. "Cloud!" Tifa said. "Tifa!" Cloud said. They hugged and kissed. "Ain't love grand?" Cid said, taking out another Jolly Rancher. "Yeah....." Aeris said, blushing. Another tremor occured. "What the?....." Cloud asked. "Is the planet throwing a temper tantrum or something?!" "You could say that....." Lou said. "C'mon, we have to find the others." "I saw Barret in the next room," Tifa said. "Looks like Stilgar gave him a new gun-arm." "Uh-oh," Hairball said. "Mr. Gun Man's gonna be angry when we come through his door!" "We'd better be careful," Lou said, readying his hammer. "Careful," Yueh said. They entered the next room. There stood Barret, the horn potruding from his head. On his arm there was.... a new arm. It looked just like the one on the other arm. "Barret?" Tifa asked. Barret's new arm transformed into a three-barrel cannon that started firing death rays. "Waaaaa!!!!" Cait shouted. "Look out!" "This one's mine," Red said, leaping through the air, his fangs slashing through the darkness of the room. He bit off the horn and crunched it into a million pieces. Barret shook his head. "Huh? What? What's up? Damn, man, I'm dizzy," Barret said, swooning. "Barret, you OK?" Cloud asked. "Uh... Yeah, I guess. Hey, what's with this arm? Looks like it can morph into all sorts o' weapons. I can even have another hand! COOL!" "Wow, Barret, that's cool!" Aeris said. "Now let's go. I wanna find the others." "We all do," Lou said. "Let's see.... Lou, Barret, Cloud, Tifa, Aeris, Vincent, Red, Cait, Hairball, Yueh and Cid. That leaves Warren, Jessie and.... Yuffie." "Man, you's got it rough, huh, Lou?" Barret asked. "Lou's always got it rough," Tifa said. "No matter if it's in AVALANCHE or saving the world." "......" Lou said. They continued on up, until they reached the top of the castle. They entered a factory room, where they saw Warren, ball-and-chained to the floor, building Skeledead troops. "Warren!" Aeris said. "Aeris!" Warren said, looking up. "You're OK!" "Jessie! Where's Jessie?" Vincent asked. "Lou, you guys gotta look out," Warren said. "That Ringmaster guy is a tough customer! Uh-oh..." They all watched as Ringmaster Materialized behind them, Yuffie at his side. "So, you're back, huh?" he scoffed. "Guess I'll have to manipulate all of you again!" Ringmaster hurled more horns. "I'll save you guys this time," Cait said, leaping in front of the horns. They all stuck to his metallic body. He then emitted a gravity pulse and they all fell off, drained of their power. "Curses! I'm all out of horns," Ringmaster said. "Well, then, I suppose I'll have to think of something else." He turned to Yuffie. "Honey, TRASH 'EM!" "Yuffie, stop!" Lou said, standing in front of her. "You're being duped!" Yuffie said nothing. She just glared and smiled that evil, half-crazy smile of hers and hurled her shuriken at him. He quickly dodged and pulled out his hammer. "You've improved, kid," Ringmaster said, "but you'll never beat her! Yuffie, finish him off!" Yuffie charged at him and pulled out two little daggers. She slashed away like a crazed animal at Lou, who quickly dashed left and right to avoid potential danger. "Please, Yuffie, listen to me! Concentrate on my voice! Fight it, Yuffie. Fight the horn!" Inside Yuffie's mind, two figures were battling, Yuffie's consciousness and the Horn's programming. "You're making me kill my best friend!" Yuffie's consciousness argued. "Stop!" "No," the Horn said. "Program has invaded all organic systems. Manipulation is full. Dissent will not be tolerated." It began firing laser beams at Yuffie's consciousness.She evaded the laser blasts and slashed at the Horn with a light-formed shuriken. The Horn smashed to bits in her mind, and the horn on her head fizzed, then crumbled. She blinked once or twice, then looked around. "Huh? What happened?" she said. "Last thing I remember is being plastered with a sharp thing... Lou! Are you OK?" When she was controlled, Yuffie had stabbed Lou in the leg, and he was kneeling and rubbing it, the blood running down his pant leg. "Yeah, I'm OK," Lou said, getting up and casting Cure 3 on himself. "You're next, Ringmaster!" "Not so fast!" Ringmaster said, pulling out a pistol. "I hate to sink to such a pedestrian form of violence, but you leave me no choice!" "Can it," Yuffie said, hurling her shuriken. It took Ringmaster's head off, and the rest of his robotic body just short-circuted and fell to the floor. "YAY!" Everyone said. "Now we can take on Stilgar," Cloud said. "Ungggh," Warren said. "Before you guys do anything, can you help me get this ball and chain off?" They all quickly helped Warren get his leg out of the ball, and then walked into the next room- the throne room. In the throne room, Stilgar was talking with Jessie. "Now, now, Jessie," Stilgar was saying, "think of the power you can obtain from being my second in command.... You will make empires fall before your feet and the dead obey your every command!" "Let me go, you nut!" Jessie shouted. "You're not my dad. He died when you were created!" "Oh, such words hurt people," Stilgar said. "I guess we'll just have to get Ringmaster to do his thing on you..." The door to the throne room broke open. "HONEY, I'M HOOOOOOOOME! Ha! Always wanted to say that," Vincent's voice said, shooting through the room. "Lou! Vincent! Barret!" Jessie cheered. "Sorry, Stil," Lou said, "but Ringmaster went down for the count." "Hmm, so you're all here.... Good, good," Stilgar said. "You're just in time." "What for?" Tifa asked. "Ha ha ha ha....." Stilgar laughed. "This world is breathing its last. The planet is angry, and it will soon unleash its most powerful magic spell, X-Zone, upon the humans." "X-Zone?" Yuffie asked. "Stronger than Holy," Aeris said. "It sucks up towns or areas and casts them into deep space, where they're never heard from again. The Cetra encountered this once.... It destroyed 15 towns and killed 15,000 people before the planet was satisfied." "The humans are a pestilence," Stilgar said. "X-Zone will take away everything...... Except me. I will then assume complete control over the planet with my enviromentally safe army and weapons! Even if I am defeated, you are all doomed!" "Jessie, are you OK?" Vincent asked. "I feel 100 times better now that you guys are here!" Jessie said. "Of course," Stilgar continued, "if you were to, say, become my servants, I could guarantee a certain degree of leniency." "You want us to become your slaves?!" Lou asked. "No way, Stilgar! Your plots end here and now!" "Perhaps you are not as smart as I once thought, Lou," Stilgar said. "Prepare to be ripped apart and born again as a Skeledead troop in my brigade!!!" Stilgar fired several fireballs at the group. Barret used his new arm as a chainsaw and sliced away at Stilgar. One blow from Stilgar sent him crashing back against the wall. Warren tried next. He doused Stilgar's new fireballs, but his water gun just splashed off Stilgar's armor. Cloud and Tifa attacked together. Cloud slashed at Stilgar's legs while Tifa bashed at his head, One electric emission was enough to send them flying. "Yuffie, try the Leviathan Materia!" Lou said. Yuffie fumbled in her pocket for it, then found it and cast the spell. "TIDAL WAVE!!!!" She shouted. The party disappeared, and in their place stood a giant water dragon. It roared loudly and sent a gigantic wave complete with parts of the Titanic in it crashing onto Stilgar. "Arrrrgh!" Stilgar said. "Curses! ULTIMA!!!" A gigantic green flash fired through the room and hurt everyone. "I'll stop 'im!" Cait said, throwing a box of toys. It opened and a Jack-in-the-Box popped out. "What was that supposed to do?" Stilgar asked. Suddenly, the box opened, and a clown came out with a giant hammer. He smacked Stilgar on the head, then popped back into the box. Red fired his Cosmo Memory and Cid used his Big Brawler. Stilgar backed up, but now down. He used a Freeze spell to stun almost everyone. Aeris clasped her hands together in prayer for a few seconds, then raised them into the air. Out of the ground, Lifestream popped up and formed two giant boxing gloves. What Aeris's hands did, the gloves did. She socked him in the face time and time again, until Stilgar grabbed the arms and twisted them hard. Aeris's hands got twisted too, and she screamed in pain. "Let Jessie go," Vincent said as he and Lou did their double tech, the Shade Slam. A wave of black hammers pounded Stilgar until he was sore. He finally sank to the ground, and exploded, revealing a tall, wiry man of about 60. He had gray hair and a gray moustache. "Dad?....." Jessie said. "Jessie..... Honey...." the man said. "That's your dad, Jessie?" Lou asked. Vincent quickly undid the chains that kept Jessie immobile, and rushed to hoist her dad up. "Dad...." she said, hugging him. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you.... Guys, this is my dad, Conch Heartfelt." "You..... are..... strong, Lou....Jessie....Vincent....Cloud...." Conch said, wheezing. "But.... I.... was not your enemy...." "What?!" Barret asked. "We did all that to find out that Stilgar wasn't our enemy?! DA-MN!" "Who is the enemy, Mr. Conch?" Tifa asked. "An old foe," Conch said, standing by himself now. "He plots revenge for what had been done to him.... He's manipulated the planet into casting X-Zone....... It's.... Sephiroth..." "SEPHIROTH?!" Everyone asked. "But.... but we've totaled him infinity times already!" Cait said. "How could he still be alive?!" "Just before Cloud killed him," Conch began, "Sephiroth tapped into Shinra HQ's central computer system and used all the information there to immortalize himself in computer code.... Sephiroth's body may be gone, but he now exists as a computer virus. The Stilgar program was just the first of the things he corrputed.... I've been spending my resources building him a new body, the Battle Body.... Sephiroth intends to rule the world by being able to control X-Zone...." "Where is he?!" Cloud roared. "I killed him I don't know how many times, but he's not gonna win!!!" "The body was being built somewhere...." Conch said. "All I did was deliver the parts to a certain location and his henchmen picked them up. I have no idea where....." Suddenly, the ground started to shake outside. A black hole appeared over the castle. "What?!" Jessie asked. "Sephiroth has been listening in," Conch said. "This entire castle is about to be sucked into the X-Zone. Come, I know a way out." The group followed Conch out a back door and through a hidden underground tunnel. "We'll stay in here for now," Conch said. "X-Zone can't suck up the planet." A giant voice boomed out of the sky above. "Conch, you foolish traitor!" Sephiroth's harsh voice echoed over the land. "Well, now that my little secret's out, I shall begin my conquest. Thanks for all your help, Conchy baby!" There was a great shaking all around. Everyone dashed outside in time to see the castle get pulled up into the sky and swallowed by the swirling black hole. It then faded away and became the gray, stormy sky again. "That was scary!" Aeris said. "That was COOL!" Hairball said. "Wanna see it again!" "Great," Cid said. "I left my bag of Jolly Ranchers in there." "If Sephiroth can do that," Red said, "we shall have to figure out a new way of defeating him." "The X-Zone is a dangerous place," Conch said, staring into the sky, "but life is present there as well. All that goes in becomes fused together and formes one huge continent. Sephiroth's lair is probably on that continent." "And how exactly do we get ON that continent?" Cloud asked. Suddenly, the Phoenix flew into view. The doors opened and everyone got on board. "Hey, what happened to Stilgar's castle?" Shera asked. "It's gone." "The X-Zone sucked it up," Lou said. "Sephiroth's controlling X-Zone, which means he's controlling the planet, which is very bad," Warren said. "THANK YOU, Mr. Carl Sagan," Cid mocked. "How're we gonna stop this guy?" Suddenly, Sephiroth's voice boomed out over the land again. "Hear me, people of Earth! Hand over all control of this planet to me, or things will get ugly. Allow me to demonstrate my power to those who are... ahem... against my rule, like YOU, Lou!" "Huh?!" Lou said. "You know me?!" "Of COURSE I know you," Sephiroth's voice continued. "You know me, too. Remember?" There was a faint sound of a saltine cracker being munched on. "So, YOU'RE the Cracker Man!" Lou said. "It was YOU who was torturing Lou!" Yuffie yelled. "Tsk tsk," Sephiroth said. "Oh, well. Cower at my awesome power!" As soon as Sephiroth had said this, black holes to the X-Zone opened up over Midgar, North Corel, Nibelheim, Rocket Town, Wutai and Normoon. "Not Corel!" Barret shouted. "Marlene's there!" "Look on the bright side," Sephiroth said, "you won't have to worry about finding babysitters anymore!" Everyone watched in horror as the six towns were swallowed up into the X-Zone and the black holes vanished from sight. "If you wish to confront me," Sephiroth boomed, "use the entrance at Stilgar's castle. I'll be waiting...." "Our hometowns....." Cloud said. "He sucked 'em up like they were popcorn...." Cid said, the Jolly Rancher falling out of his mouth. "Sephiroth's heart is as black as the holes into the X-Zone," Vincent said. "GrrrrrrRRRRRAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Lou roared, grabbing the steering wheel and flying towards Stilgar's castle. "Lou, stop!" Yuffie said, putting her soft hand on his shoulder. "That's not how to solve it." Lou stopped the ship and hung his head. He banged on the control panel and went to his room. "Sephiroth's gonna pay for this!!!" Tifa shouted, banging her fist on the kitchen table. "Now, before we go charging in there," Jessie said, "I suggest that we think of a plan. Dad, have you got any information about this?" "If Sephiroth's a computer virus, there has to be a way to delete him, right?" Warren asked. "Yes, but there's probably so many computer safety programs around him that there'd be no way to slip in without a fight," Jessie said. "When the X-Zone comes again, there won't be any place to run," Conch said. "We must go and defeat Sephiroth." "I'll start working on a countervirus to get rid of him," Jessie said, running to her room. "Wait, Jessie, I'll help!" Warren said, running afterwards. "I'm gonna go talk to Lou," Yuffie said. Yuffie went into Lou's room and found him sitting on his bed, staring off into space. "Hi, Lou," she said, sitting down next to him. "Sephiroth's scum...." Lou said. "All those innocent people, all just sucked into nothingness, just like that. It's so depressing." "Look, I know you're sad," Yuffie said, edging closer, "but that doesn't help the people, does it? My hometown's gone, and you don't see me whining about it." "Yeah, I know...." Lou said. "I'm depressed about all of them. This is all my fault..." "How so?" "If I hadn't tried to bring Aeris back, I wouldn't have sparked off this whole Stilgar thing in the first place! All I've done is cause trouble..... If this is a dream, I want to wake up now...." Yuffie grabbed Lou by the shoulders and kissed him long and hard. "Does that feel like a dream?" she asked. "Even if you had just stayed in Normoon for the rest of your life, Sephiroth would have done this anyway, and you'd have been sucked up, too." "(Sigh).... You're right, Yuffie," Lou said. "I just seem to blame myself for everything." "Don't," Yuffie said, putting her arm over his shoulder. "If you were the problem behind all of this, you wouldn't have lasted this long. Besides, you've got me." "Thanks, Yuffie," Lou said, standing up. "I'm ready to keep fighting!" "Yo, Lou, Yuffie!" Cloud's voice said with a knock on the door, "we're ready to fly into the X-Zone! You coming?" "Yeah," they both said, and walked out and followed the rest of the group. "There it is," Cid said as the Phoenix flew towards the place where Stilgar's castle used to be. "I wonder how we get in..." "That doesn't seem like it'll be a problem," Red said as the floor started to shake. A giant hole appeared above the ship, and they drifted upwards. "AAAAHHHHH!!!!!" Cait shouted. "We're bein' sucked in!" The airship was swallowed up by the hole, and the next thing everyone knew, they were docked on a docking bay outside a town. "This must be one of the towns in the X-Zone," Tifa said, reaching for the exit ladder. "Let's go check it out." "Shera, you, Herr Püssy Wüssy and Conch stay here," Lou said. "This isn't gonna be pretty." Everyone else climbed out and walked into town. This town was strangely familiar.... "Nibelheim!" Cloud exclaimed. "Yeah, it is Nibelheim...." Tifa said, looking around. "At least, part of Nibelheim.... Look, there's the well, and the stores, but I don't see my house or Cloud's or the Shinra mansion. Instead, there's a pagoda." "Wutai?!" Yuffie said, dashing forward. When she reached the pagoda, she looked around. There was a little bit of Wutai here and there, but there were also parts of Nibelheim, Corel, Normoon and Midgar. "They've all fused together," Warren said. "Everything that enters the X-Zone becomes part of this continent." "Marlene!" Barret yelled as he ran through the Corel pieces. "Marlene, are you there?!" "Unghhhh," a small voice said from a pile of rubble. "...Daddy? Where are we, daddy?" Barret pulled Marlene from the wreckage. "Oh, geez, Marlene, are you OK? What happened?" Barret asked. "The town got sucked into the sky, and I fell out of my chair as the house fell down, then you come," Marlene babbled. "I'm scared!" "Marlene," Tifa said, bending down to be eye to eye with her. "Look, off that way there's an airship. Go over there and get on the ship and wait for us to come back." "Don't worry 'bout bein' bored," Cid said, chuckling. "You'll find somethin' to amuse yourself." "Thanks, miss Tifa! Hey, the flower lady's back!" Marlene said, looking at Aeris. "Hi, Marlene," Aeris said, waving. "OK, see you later!" Marlene said, walking off towards the airship. Barret heaved a sigh of relief. "Knowin' Marlene's OK is a load off my back," he said, smiling. "Now let's go kick Sephiroth's shiny, metal ^%$#%*!.... No offense, Yueh." "None taken," Yueh said, crossing his arms and tapping his foot. They continued through the wreck until Lou came upon his apartment in the Normoon section. "I just want to see if everything's OK," Lou said, climbing into the window, now at ground level. Yuffie followed him in, along with Jessie and Hairball. Lou wandered through the four rooms, pleased to see that everything was in order. The TV still worked(heaven knows why; the X-Zone is inaccessible to TV signals), and the kitchen still had running water and a flush toilet was still up and running in the bathroom. "Home sweet home," Lou said, sitting down on his couch. Yuffie came in and sat next to him. "So, this's your apartment? I never knew you were such a neatness freak," she said, smiling at him. "He is," Jessie said. "He doesn't like one atom out of place around here." She then walked into the bedroom. "What's up, Jessie?" Lou asked. "I need my computer disks," Jessie said. "They have all the Shinra files on them, so there might be something on Sephiroth." She turned on the computer and started typing away. "Hah!" she cried, hitting the PRINT key and grabbing the papers as they came out of the printer. "It says here that Sephiroth's computer virus was designed with Shinra software, and he had help from Hojo in designing it. The virus has three safety barriers, and it can spread to organic material as well as computer code..... Scary!" "It can possess organic beings," Lou said. "Dat's bad," Hairball said. "Dat's really bad." "Hey, Lou!" Cait's voice shouted. "What's goin' on in there? You havin' a four-person sleep-over in there?" "No, Cait, you can all come in," Lou said. "Heck, we might as well spend the night." Lou set up cots and sleeping material in the living room, and he and Yuffie took the bedroom. "Ummmm," Yuffie said, "why're we sleepin' together, Lou?" "You're right," Lou said. "OK," he said, drawing an imaginary line. "If either of us cross this line, the other slaps us, OK?" "All right," Yuffie said. She was glancing at Jessie's research again and again. "Hmmm... 'after Meteor was summoned, the Sephiroth virus vanished without a trace, even though sources point that it was headed towards the Tower of Babel, a hidden temple the Cetra built that no one has ever seen, and probably never will.' I wonder where the Tower of Babel is?" "Enough thinking for one day," Lou grumbled, taking off his hat. "I'm going to sleep. Good night, Yuffie." In the middle of the night, Lou felt something warm. He awoke to find that Yuffie had snuggled in with him and had her arm over his shoulder. She was snoring very peacefully. "Ahh, screw the line," Lou said, going back to sleep. In the morning, the group was ready to roll again. Warren used his mega-magnifyer to scout out the terrain ahead. "Hmmmm, looks like there's nothing ahead but a large tower in the middle of a snowy field. Before that is a jungle that seems to go east and west for miles. We should be able to reach the tower by this afternoon. Move out, guys!" The group fearlessly walked into the jungle(it started just after the Midgar section) and spent the morning hacking down trees and swatting skeeters. "Dammit!" Aeris cursed, swatting away at the bugs. "Get back, you bloodsuckers! BACK!" "Man, Aeris," Cloud said, "when you're cussing, it means you're really angry. What's up?" "Not angry, Cloud," Aeris said, swatting away. "Frustrated! Cetra get twice as powerful an urge to scratch skeeter bites than regular people.... ARRRRGH!" "Here," Cait said, handing her a canister. "It's a new Shinra item; Megadeet. It creates a barrier around you that no one can see or feel, yet all insects are repelled like two magnets on identical sides." "Thanks," Aeris said, spraying herself with the stuff. A skeeter flew by and was instantly knocked the other direction. A high-pitched scream was heard. ".....Give me some of that," Tifa said. They hiked through the thick jungle, each person covered head to toe with sweat and grime, until they reached a snowy plain. The Tower of Babel lay smack dab in the center. "Wow," Cid said, staring up at the tower. "Must be at least 200 stories high," Warren said, squinting as he tried to see the top. "Well, what're we waiting for?" Lou said, opening the gigantic door. "If Sephiroth's in there, we have to stop him. Come on!" They entered the tower and saw that, all over the walls, strange Cetra heiroglyphs were written, along with a wide range of mechanical gizmos that seemed to be doing something while they flashed their lights and clicked away. Aeris read the heiroglyphs. "Hmmmm," she said. "This seems to be a prediction for the future." She pointed at each picture while she told the group what it meant. "'When the planet's Holy has been disrupted, an evil thought gone shall rise again. The evil will possess the planet and bring forth the X-Zone. All living on the planet....' I'm not sure about this one. It's either 'suffer horribly' or 'play Musical Chairs.'" "I'm betting on 'suffer horribly,'" Cloud said, folding his arms. "There's a set of stairs here," Yueh said. "We should climb it." "I wish the Cetra had invented the elevator," Jessie moaned. "I HATE climbing stairs," Vincent said a bit grumpily. They began to climb the long staircase, each step an agonizing burden. "Unghhhh," Cid said, pausing to wheeze. "What floor are we on?" "In the fourties, somewhere," Yuffie said, the sweat streaming down her face. "When we get to 50, I'm gonna puke," Cid groaned. "Why'd I hafta run outta Jolly Ranchers now?" It took the team six hours to climb all the way to the top. They all collapsed on the roof. "My knees have turned to mush," Tifa complained. "Don't wanna see..... no more stairs for the rest o' my life," Barret griped. "You said that before," Cloud said. "Well, I'm sayin' it again!" Barret said angrily. "Why'm I the only one that isn't tired?" Cait asked. He shut up after the dirty looks everyone else gave him. "I just wanna go to sleep," Yuffie said, lying flat on her back and shutting her eyes. "Does anybody notice what's on this roof?" Lou asked. "Look!" "More stairs?....." Warren asked, looking up weakly. He then gasped. "It's.... a gate," Red said, looking it over. "A gate? Where's it go to?" Jessie asked. "There're Cetra heiroglyphs here," Lou said. "Aeris, you feelin' up to reading these?" Aeris tried to get up, but she stumbled and fell on her face. A tiny bottle fell out of her jacket pocket. "Hey, that's my Schlumpf Fish perfume!" Tifa said. "Why'd you swipe this, Aeris?!" "Well, you have infinity bottles of it in your room," Aeris said, blushing a bit. "Why can't I have just one?" "Because then Jessie and Yuffie'll want 'em, too!" Tifa said. "Then you'll all start sponging off me every time you want a night with your guys!" "Can we PLEASE get on with this?!" Lou asked. Cait helped Aeris up and got her over to the gate. Aeris read out loud, and as loud as she could. "'This... is the gate to the Promised Land,'" she said. Everyone gasped. "THE Promised Land?!" Yuffie said. "Why's the gate in the X-Zone?!" "Perhaps the Tower of Babel was sucked into the X-Zone long ago, with the Cetra towns that went with it," Red said. "I'm too tired to go on," Vincent said. "You guys go on without me." "We wouldn't leave you if another plate was falling down!" Jessie said, finding the strength to hoist him up and support him. "You're stickin' with us, Vincey!" "Oh, so it's Vincey now?" Yuffie chuckled. "Jessie, are you STILL sour about the plate falling down?" Barret asked. "You bet I am!" Jessie said angrily. "That plate put me in a coma, killed Biggs, Wedge, and everyone else in Sector 7, and it showed that you three," she pointed at Cloud, Tifa and Barret, "didn't give a rat's ass about whether I lived or died!" "You know she's mad when she swears," Tifa whispered to Warren. "You bet I'm mad! I need an answer, you guys!" Jessie stamped her foot on the floor very hard. "Why did you leave me there when you knew the plate was going to fall?!" "Jessie, we would have gone back for you," Barret explained, "but there wasn't 'nuff time. The bomb was gonna blow, an' if one of us had gone to get you, there might have been only two of us that made it out, maybe only one, or none. We had to get outta there, even if it meant losin' all of Sector 7, and you guys... I felt really awful about it." "He did, Jessie," Cloud said, "really." "I'm not too good at sayin' this," Barret said, "'specially to a girl, but.... I'm sorry fer not goin' back to get you. As the leader, I should've put my team's safety ahead of my own. I'm very sorry...." Jessie's face softened. She sighed heavily. "I'm sorry too, Barret," Jessie said. "I guess I'm just acting selfish. Sorry for snapping at you guys like that." "No problem, Jess," Tifa said. "Just let it go. You're ALIVE, aren't you?" "Yeah..... Sorry." "All right! Let's see what's behind that gate!" Lou said. Yueh kicked the door open with his leg, and they peered inside..... "My God...." Yuffie gasped. "Doesn't look like any land I'd want to be promised," Cid said, slurping on his watermelon Jolly Rancher. "Is THIS the Promised Land, Aeris?" Lou asked. The gate opened into a field of dead grass. There were no trees here, and all one could see was the dark gray clouds flying overhead. The sound of wind was all there was. "I don't understand," Aeris said, looking around. "It wasn't like this when I first came here...." "I bet Sephiroth did something to it!" Jessie said. "One more reason to squash him flat!" "This is where all the people's consciousnesses go when they die, right?" Tifa asked. Aeris slowly nodded her head. "Dad...." Yuffie whispered, hanging her head. "I'm sure everyone's OK," Lou said, putting his arm around her shoulder. "Hey, what's that?" Barret asked, pointing off into the distance. In the center of a dead valley there was a temple. It had all sorts of gargoyle statues and gothic stuff on it, and it looked perfectly creepy in the landscape. "...Even gives me the willies," Vincent said, shivering a bit. "'Willies?!' Come on, Vincent! Jeez! Couldn't ya come up with somethin' better?" Cait said a bit crossly. "We might as well go check it out," Red said, walking towards the temple. They reached the temple's front door. "I sense an immense amount of black magic energy here," Aeris said, stepping backwards. "....I'm scared!" "Don't worry," Jessie said. "We'll face whatever's in there as a team, right guys?" "Um, yeah....." the reply was. Jessie was not amused. "I can't HEAR you!" she shouted angrily. "Ma'am! Yes, ma'am!" everyone shouted, standing like army men. Jessie smiled her regular sweet smile again. "That's better," she said, opening the door. They all walked in very slowly. "Man, it's creepy in here," Cloud said. "I'd never admit it, but I'm shakin' in my shoes." "You just did," Tifa said. "Hairball's scared stiff! Hairball's scared stiff!" Hairball said. "Yueh is scared, too," Yueh said in his usual calm voice. "What's WITH this place? Why're we all losing our nerve?" Lou said as they entered the dark sanctuary. A voice shot out of the darkness like a knife. "Mwa ha haa...... Perhaps it's because of me...." Out of the shadows stepped a woman, clothed in nothing but battle armor. She held a large double-edged lance, and she smiled a seductive yet evil smile. "Welcome, children," she purred. "Welcome to the Temple of Jenova." "Temple of Jenova?!" Aeris asked. "Strange, I don't recall there being a Temple of Jenova when I was here last..." "The temple is merely a warping point to reach the planet's core," the woman continued. "My son is already down there, ready to conquer the planet for me." "Son?!" Barret asked. "Who the hell IS this?!" "If she means Sephiroth....." Tifa said. "It's not Lucrecia....." Vincent said. "Who is she, then?" Lou asked. "I know who it is....." Cloud said. "She's also part of me.... She's-" "That's right, little man," the woman said, drawing her lance. "I'm Jenova-PRIME! I'm not letting you goody-goods anywhere NEAR Sephiroth!" "Jenova-PRIME?" Cait said. "....But I thought Jenova was destroyed...." "You should talk, cat!" Jenova said. "It's a good thing that Shinra company kept DNA samples of me left.... enough for Sephiroth to construct this body for me.... It's great! Let me show you just HOW great!" She flew into the air and shrieked a war cry, flying down upon the party with a dangerous Ultima attack. The crew was blown every which way, all landing in awkward positions. Aeris got up first and stood up, her staff in hand. "Aeris, what're you gonna do....?" Warren asked. "I'm going to end this here and now," Aeris said, preparing to face Jenova-PRIME. "Come on, you witch!.... Or are you afraid to take on the last of the Cetra?....." "No one calls me afraid and lives," Jenova hissed. "I'm just going to have to kill you.... AGAIN!!!" They both circled around the room, daring the other to attack. Finally, Jenova came at Aeris with a nasty slice. Aeris tried to dodge, but the blow came down on her shoulder, and hard. "Owwww!!!" Aeris moaned, sinking to the floor. "It's your cremation, kiddo," Jenova said, leaping into the air. She used her laser eyes to set her lance on fire and drove it right through Aeris's stomach. "AERIS!!!!" Cloud shouted. "Aeris....." Warren murmured. "Oh, no...." Yuffie whispered, "Damn!...." Lou cursed under his breath. Jenova laughed triumphantly. "Now.... anyone else want to take me on? Or should I just destroy you all one by one, quick and painfully?....." What Jenova didn't see was that Aeris had gotten back up behind her. She pulled the flaming lance out of her stomach and threw it right through Jenova's chest. Jenova ignited and exploded, an anguished scream echoing through the room. "Aeris!" Warren said, hugging her. "But.... how.... I don't understand." "A Cetra can never be killed the same way again," Aeris said. "At least, I think that's what happens. I'm the first Cetra I know of that came back to life." "I'm just glad you're back....." Warren said. They all then noticed that a warp tile had appeared in the center of the room. All over the room, voices began to speak to them. "Yuffie....." Godo's voice said. "Cloud," Cloud's mother said. "Tifa," Zangan (her old karate teacher) rasped. "Nanaki," Bugenhagen said. "Vincent...." Lucrecia said. "Jessie.... Barret...." Biggs and Wedge said. "Aeris," Professor Gast and Ilfana said. "Simba...." a voice said. "...Oops, wrong story." The voice blipped out and one could hear the footsteps and opening and closing of a door. The voices all started to talk in unison. "All of you in this place, darkness is fast approaching this world. Sephiroth's control over the planet is destroying the world.... Combine your powers and defeat Sephiroth once and for all. We will guide you on the path that leads you to the planet's core. Good luck!" "I don't get it," Lou said. "Bugenhagen's still alive. Why's he talking to Red?" "Shhh! You'll mess the story up!" Red said. "Let's just say that Grandpa communicates through the Magic Gnome who lives in the coffee table and can talk to us as if he were already dead." "Whatever," Lou shrugged. "Let's go." "Gather in a circle and hold hands," the voices said. "Close your eyes....." They all did as the voices said. Lou looked at Yuffie. "Well, this is it," he said. "Yeah...." Yuffie said. "See you on the other side, Lou." "You, too," Lou said, his voice wavering. A bright light began to flash. Everyone was lifted up and thrown very far. They flew out of the X-Zone and straight into the planet's interior. "Man, it's getting hot," Warren said. "Temperature is 600 degrees Celsius and rising!" Cait said, looking at his pocket thermometer. Suddenly, it became very cool. They had stopped moving, and they saw that they were in a laboratory. "What?!....." Lou said. "How could a lab survive down here?" "There must be some sort of internal cooling system," Jessie said. "Let's find Sephiroth and end this....." Cloud said. "........." Vincent said. "Yeah, let's get goin'!" Barret said. "Let's get this over with!" They walked into the lab's center, and everyone gasped at the sight they saw. There, in the center of the room, was the gigantic, flaming core of the planet. It burned silently and angrily, and there was a large machine hooked up to it. "That must be what's manipulating the planet," Red said. "We'll have to get it off...." "No problem," Jessie said, taking out her toolbox. "I'm a whiz at this sort of thing. Leave it to me!" She stepped forward and suddenly got electrocuted. She leaped back and dropped her tools. "What the-?" she said. The lights turned off for a second, leaving everyone in the dark. "What the ^$$#%$?!" Cid asked. The lights came back on, and in front of them stood Sephiroth. He waved his sword around and grinned evilly. "Lou, Cloud, how nice to see you again," he said coldly. "What're you doing, Sephiroth?!" Tifa asked. "I'm taking over the universe," Sephiroth said. "What's it look like I'm doing?" "Universe?" Cait asked. "You've moved up a peg, have ya?" "You are clever, Sephiroth," Lou said. "Posing as one of Stilgar's men... You had this all planned out, didn't you?" "You should have gone back to your house when you had the chance, Lou," Sephiroth said, pointing his sword at them. "But you are correct. Fantasy is now far better than reality." He raised his arm and gave a strange signal. "X-Zone!" he called. Up above, new black holes opened and swallowed up whatever towns were left. Shera had to pull the Phoenix out of dock to avoid the new parts being added on. "You monster!" Yuffie shouted. "Scarlet...." Lou said. "Grandpa...." Red said. Cait yelled loudly and fell over. He then pulled himself back up unsteadily. "Unhhhh.... Sorry, guys, I just landed in the X-Zone. I'm OK, now." "Ha ha ha...." Sephiroth said. "My work here is not yet done. I must leave. Ta- ta!" "No, you don't!" Barret shouted, firing a net out of his new gun-arm, snaring Sephiroth. He slowly got out and faced the group. "Fine. You want to fight? Come on." A vein in his forehead popped up and a psychic blast blew everyone to the edge of the room. "Kneel before me, or DIE!!!" Sephiroth shouted, psychically crushing everyone's skulls. Lou slowly got up. "Unghhh.... I won't be beaten!..... Sephiroth, you asked for it!" Lou got up and drew his hammer. He threw it like a boomerang and hit Sephiroth's pulsing vein. The attacks ceased, and everyone got up. Sephiroth grinned evilly. "Excellent job, Lou! It was easy to corrupt that fool, Stilgar, and I would have succeeded if you hadn't interfered. You should be in SOLDIER. You're almost as good a fighter as I was.... But, the time of your destruction has arrived! You shall regret ever having defied me!" He closed his eyes and everyone started to float. "I can't move....." Jessie groaned. "Come on!" Cid yelled. "You're MY body... Do as I say!" "Sephiroth, you're not gonna win!" Yuffie said, breaking free of the spell and readying her shuriken. Lou freed himself too. "Scarlet.... Normoon.... Wutai.... GIVE IT ALL BACK!!!!" Lou shouted. The great fight began. "Ha! You think you can stand against me?" Sephiroth said, launching a Fire 3 attack. Lou was knocked back and hit Barret and Tifa, knocking them both free. Everyone else soon freed themselves somehow. "How'd we do that?" Aeris asked. "Just shut up and fight, Aeris!" Vincent said, readying his gun. Everyone began attacking Sephiroth. He blocked them with a Big Guard spell, but the attacks kept coming. Eventually, they broke through his barrier and started hurting him. Hairball threw up all over his sword, melting it, and Yueh punched him in the face. Sephiroth flew against the opposite wall. "You....YOU...." He said, his eyes glowing blood red. His body began to shake. "What's up with HIM?" Yuffie asked. Sephiroth transformed into a robotic version of himself and started firing away with laser beams and missiles. The party was blown back against the wall again. "This must be the new body Conch talked about," Cait said. "I'll deal with him," Jessie said, firing an electrostatic pulse into Sephiroth. He shuddered and shook and spun around like a big top. "Gyayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayaya!!!!!" Sephiroth screamed. "My head is spinning! Well, how do you like THIS?!" He used the electric potential to form a Trine attack and zapped the party. "I'll finish this," Vincent said, morphing into a demon and grabbing Sephiroth in mid-spin. He slammed him into the ground and then threw him up into the ceiling. He fell back to the ground, whirling around in a lurching manner. Vincent changed back into his old depressing self and jumped back. "Lousy brats! How do you like THIS?!" Sephiroth changed again, this time his body hovered. His legs vanished and his arms hovered at his sides. His sword was long and jagged. "It's my Juno Sephiroth model. Like it?" he used his rocket powered fist to deck the party hard. "You want to kill us?" Aeris yelled. "Fine. Just do it cleaner this time!" Aeris launched her Flaming Spirit Limit Break. A giant fire demon came out of the ground and encased Sephiroth in flames. "GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! My brain..... MY BRAIN IS BEING COOKED!!!!" Sephiroth screamed. "Didn't know he had a brain...." Warren said. "Well, time to hose things down." He sprayed a load of water on the flaming mass, short-circuting it. "This one's for Nibelheim!" Tifa shouted, using her Final Heaven Limit Break to hammer Sephiroth into the ground. He lay there vibrating for a few seconds. The lights then went out. Sephiroth's menacing voice echoed all around them.  "Well
done, you kids.... But I'm far stronger than my previous
forms... Behold the power of this awesome new Battle
Body!""Battle body?....." Cloud said. "That must be the new body Conch built!" The lights came back on to reveal a 15-foot tall, armed-to-the-teeth killer robot with Sephiroth's head lodged firmly on top. Fifteen guns came out of the sides and two arms appeared. One held a 10-foot long sword with Cetra heiroglyphs. "Okay, start panicking," Cid said. Everyone screamed and started running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Red got over it first. "He's gotta have a weakness," Red said, firing an Ice 3 spell. Sephiroth's body just absorbed it and sent it back. Red was frozen solid and blown against the back wall. "You guys help Red...." Lou said. "I'll handle this punk." "I'll help!" Yuffie said. "Me too," Cloud said. "I owe you guys." "It's good to have friends!" Lou said. "OK, let's GO!" "No one can ever defeat me....." Sephiroth said, missiles firing out of all the guns. Yuffie leaped to the side and started slashing at the guns. Cloud started chopping at the sword. Lou went at the head. "Fools," Sephiroth cackled. "You cannot defeat me." Lasers flung Yuffie against the wall and knocked her out cold. Sephiroth's eyes lit up with a bloody red glow. Cloud's sword bent into a pretzel shape and he was psychically blown against the other wall. "Cloud! Yuffie!...." Lou shouted. "You....!" Lou said, landing blow after blow on Sephiroth's head. "...Are you still here?" Sephiroth said, grabbing Lou and flinging him against the wall. "Pest," he said. "I'll show you just how pesty I can be...." Lou said, launching his Thundera Carnival Limit Break. The electric pulses shocked Sephiroth. "Gaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!! My body..... I......ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Sephiroth exploded. bits and pieces of metal fell all over the place. Lou looked around and sighed with relief. Then he heard something that made his blood run cold and his neck hairs stand straight on end. "No.... It can't be!...." Sephiroth's disembodied voice said. "I can't even defeat a little twerp like you with that magnificent body?.... You are truly the stronger of us, Lou.... That's why I'm going to possess you!" The green, wire-frame head of Sephiroth hovered above Lou. "The Sephiroth virus!" Lou said. "Guys, help!" he shouted. The entire team was out cold. "Fine time....." Lou said, and started running. The virus followed him everywhere, like a bee that has smelled sugar on your breath and thinks that you are a flower. Lou ran and ran, the sweat streaming down his face. He finally ran smack dab into a solid wall. There was nowhere to run. "....Damn!....." he swore. The virus hovered behind him, grinning evilly. "Ha ha ha.... Give in, Lou," it said in its echoy voice. "I'll possess your body and rule the entire universe!" "Great," Lou said, pulling out his hammer. "Well, I'm gonna go down fighting!....." Suddenly, the ceiling above them started to shake. It crumbled, and Conch landed behind the virus. He then wrapped himself around the virus and a strange thing happened. A pink wire-frame net appeared around the virus, paralyzing it. "Garrrghhhh...." The virus moaned. "You're.....Stilgar.... How did you...." "How d'ya like that, Sephiroth?" Conch said, smiling angrily. "You like my new antivirus? You're not going anywhere, pal!" "Lou!" Yuffie's voice said from behind them. The entire team showed up behind them. "You OK, Lou?" "Yeah, thanks to Conch," Lou said. Jessie looked at her father. "Dad....." she said. "Jessie...." Conch said. "I know that I've done some awful things, and I know I can never make up for what I've done... So I'm gonna try to set things right by taking Sephiroth with me!...." "Dad, no!" Jessie shouted. "Stay back! This antivirus is very unstable!" Conch yelled. "My....program....is....fading....." the virus groaned, "but....I......am.....not....gone....yet..... Someday....I....will........." "Jessie," Conch said, looking at her and smiling sadly. "It's time to say.... good-bye....." "No!!!!" Jessie cried. "The last of my power will take you back to the Phoenix," Conch said, waving his hand. "Live well, Jessie.... Lou, take care of her....." The party was whisked away to safety just as the lab exploded. They landed back on the airship and watched as the Tower of Babel changed from a dark and sinister tower back to its old self. The Gate to the Promised Land reopened and all the spirits came back. All was as it was before. Of course, the X-Zone began to crumble. "The towns are going back!...." Red said. "Damn, man!" Barret yelled. "Look out!" "I'm scared, daddy!" Marlene shouted, holding Barret's arm. "Hmmmm....." Lou said. "Shera, fly the ship down a bit lower, please." "Lou, that's suicide!" Yuffie protested. "What are you-" "OK, we're lowered," Shera said. "There's a giant hunk of Pseudo-Midgar heading our way!!!!" "No problem," Lou said, hopping down the exit ladder and opening the door. There was a lot of rumbling and yelling, but the door shut again a few minutes later. "OK, Shera, get us outta here!" Lou's voice said. "Lou, what did you do?" Tifa asked. "He saved me!" Cait said, leaping with joy. "Thanks, Lou!" Lou climbed up the ladder, followed by Reeve and Scarlet. "Phew...." Scarlet said. "Thanks, Lou." "No problem...." Lou said. "But what about all those other people?" "The X-Zone is becoming what it was," Cloud said. "All the towns are returning to where they should be. The people won't be hurt." "Let's hope not," Aeris said. "......Dad......." Jessie murmured. "Jessie...." Vincent said. "I'm not good at saying things like this, but.... Your father was a good man. He did a good thing, and you should be proud of him, like he was of you." "(Sniff)... Thanks, Vincent." Jessie said, smiling weakly and hugging him tightly. "If the X-Zone's falling apart, does that mean the planet's not angry anymore?" Yuffie asked Aeris. "Yes," Aeris said. "The planet is at peace once again." "Yay, yay, yay!" Hairball and Yueh said, dancing around. "Let's par-TEEEE!!!!" "I'm bushed," Cid said, swallowing another Jolly Rancher. "I'm goin' to bed." "So am I," Warren said. "I just wanna sleep for a year or two." The Phoenix exited the X-Zone, which promptly closed up and never showed itself again. The world was whole again. All the towns were back where they should have been, and a soft, peaceful night descended upon the land. The only thing permanently gone was Stilgar's castle. "(Yawn)... I'm bushed," Cloud said. "It's been a big day." "Scarlet, you must be tired," Lou said. "You want my bedroom?" "No, Lou, that's fine." Scarlet said. "That couch looks very pleasant, and.....ZZZZZZZZ(SNORE)ZZZZZZZ....." Scarlet was out like a light, sprawled out on the couch. "I'm still running on nervous energy," Reeve said. "Just give me some coffee and I'll just retire to the game room. "Good night, everyone," Aeris said. "I'm going to bed. All those heiroglyphs gave me a splitting headache." "I'm retiring," Tifa said, yawning and stretching. Her shirt ripped again. Everyone laughed very hard, but Tifa was too tired to do anything. "Coming, Cloud?....." she asked. "Oh, baby, yeah," Cloud said, rubbing his hands together. "Cloud, how can you not be tired?!" Jessie asked. "You don't know how good Tifa is when she's asleep," Cloud said, blushing and grinning from ear to ear. "Sick," Yueh said. "Grossness!" Yuffie said, sticking her little pink tongue out. Herr Püssy Wüssy jumped into Scarlet's lap and fell asleep. The next day, the group met in the meeting room. "Well, folks," Lou said, "now that the threat of Sephiroth is gone for now, there's not much sense in sticking together as a fighting team, is there?" There were murmurs in the crowd. "Anyway, in that manner, I'm just going to say that I'm going back to school when September comes around. If I'm gonna be able to survive this joint, I'll have to find a good job with good pay, and that needs good brains, so I'm going back to school." "Lou, just because the threat's gone doesn't mean that we have to split up," Jessie said. "We're all friends here, aren't we?" "Yeah!" Warren said. "Yes!" Aeris said. "...More or less," Barret mumbled. "So, what do we do?" Lou asked. "We can't just live in the Phoenix, can we?" "Oh, yes, we can!" Cid said, yanking out some blueprints. "Jessie, Warren and I came up with a new upgrade that can change the ship from house to airship and back again. We can all live wherever we want!" "YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!" everyone cheered. Lou smiled. "I have better friends now than I ever did," Lou said. "But I'm still going back to school." "Ahhh, whatever," Yuffie said. "I still need another 2 years anyway. I'll go too." "The only school's in Normoon nowadays," Tifa said. "I guess we'll have to be permanently parked for 9 months out of the year." "It's only for 2 years," Yueh said. "We can have fun." "Yeah, that's a good idea," Cloud said. "Well, we'd better go have some summer fun, huh?" "Would you guys mind dropping me off in Mideel?" Scarlet asked. "I have to get back to my job, and Reeve needs to head back to Pseudo-Midgar." "No problem," Shera said, revving the ship's engines up and taking off. "No problem at all....." The ship flew off into the warm, June night. Producer: LOU SMITH, ELLIOTT
KREIN
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