FINAL FANTASY 9.5: The Mutation Crisis Written by ker-plop "Drat, drat, drat!" Lou Runic grumbled as he pored over his homework for the night. "Life would be much better if I didn't have gym class." Lou was a 17-year old 11th grader at Madain Sari Multiclass School in Navi City, just outside Madain Sari. The city was erected about a year after the Kuja crisis that Zidane and his friends had put to an end. It had been two years since then. Lou had been born and raised in Linblum, but two years ago, his parents shipped him off to this specialty school. Lou carried an air of resentment for many things around him. He didn't really care for a lot of the things he had to do, but he did them anyway, because if he didn't, the authority would surely bash his face inside out. Lou's only social activities revolved around an eight-year old girl named Eiko Carol, his only friend in the school. He had befriended Eiko when she had needed an 11th-grade buddy last semester. She was a nice girl, with the exception that she was quite posessive of her friends and the fact that she had a horn sticking out of her blue hair. She also had a large obsession with Monty Python. "So," Eiko said to Lou as they walked home together. "How was your day?" "Oh, just peachy," Lou grumbled. "I completely flopped the volleyball tournament and the coach flunked me. If I don't get an A in every class, I'll have to go to a second-rate college, and then I'll never be able to become an engineer...." "Cheer up, Lou," Eiko said. "I'm sure that there's more to life than getting into a good college." "Speak for yourself," Lou said. "You've got nine more years to ace classes... I've only got one, and besides, you can summon monsters and use magic... I can't even-" He stopped and shoved Eiko behind him. In front of him stood Creed Genre, the meanest kid in the school. For a reason that Lou couldn't figure out, Creed always seemed to consider Lou his archrival. He always was trying to prove that he was better than Lou in sports or academics or anything, for that matter. Creed was always looking for trouble, and he usually found it and beat the crap out of it. Today he was picking on one of Lou's classmates, Fred Nobody. "Any last words before your face becomes one with the trash can, Freddy boy?" Creed snarled as he grabbed Fred by the shirt. "Uh..... 'Tis a far, far, better thing I do-'" Fred started. Creed slammed him into the trash can and left him there to converse with the used gum and cigarette butts. "Knock it off, Creed," Lou said. "I'm sure you've got better things to do than push Nobody around." "Hey, Runic," Creed growled. "Heard you didn't do so hot on the volleyball team today... HA! Yet another area where I dominate." "What is with you and your trying to one-up me?" Lou asked. "I've never done you any harm." "Lissen, kiddo," Creed said, jabbing his pointy finger into Lou's stomach. "When I was 10 a gypsy read my future and said that you an' me were gonna be rivals for a long time. 'One shall fall by the other's hand,' she said. Buddy, if that hand ain't in schoolwork, I'm not a bully." Creed slugged Lou in the belly. He bent down, gasping for air. Eiko popped up behind him. "Leave him alone, Creed!" Eiko bravely huffed. "What do we have here?" Creed asked mockingly. "A summoner?! Ha! Show me yer summon, kid! Whatcha got, an oglop?" He grabbed her by the horn and lifted her upwards. "Owwwww!!!! Ow, ow, ow, ow!!!" Eiko cried as she struggled to free herself. "Let her go, Creed," Lou growled as he struggled to get up. He tackled Creed, forcing him to drop Eiko. A trickle of blood oozed from her horn. Creed got up and brushed himself off. "Ahh, I've got better things to do," Creed said, turning around to leave. "Better brush up on your ball hitting, Louie, or you'll never be able to make new flying balloons!" he said in a babyish voice and walked off, laughing loudly. "That Creed...." Lou growled. "Oh, man. Eiko, are you OK?" Eiko still was sniffling as she nursed the wound. "Man, that looks pretty rough," Lou said. "Come on, I've got some medicine I can put on it at my dorm." Lou carried Eiko to his dormitory, the Foot-In-Mouth apartment complex near Madain Sari's entrance. "Coming home early, today, Lou?" the landlord asked as Lou came in the door. "Key, please, Chuck," Lou said, holding out his free hand. "I have some business to take care of." "....Pervert," Chuck said, shoving the key in Lou's direction. "Why can't he just buy some filthy magazines like all the other teenagers here?" Ignoring this comment, Lou ascended the stairs to his study. "OK, where shall we seat you?" Lou said, looking around. "Cardinal, fetch the comfy chair," Eiko murmured. "The comfy chair?!" Lou stammered. "Oh, OK. Come on, down you go." He plopped Eiko down in a comfy chair. "Oooh, this's soft, isn't it?" Eiko said, adjusting herself into a comfortable position. "A girl could get used to this." "Now then," Lou said, bringing out his med kit. "It looks like the bleeding's stopped... Why don't we just apply a Potion and see if that helps? Say, why can't you just use a Cure spell?" "I want to conserve my MP," Eiko said. "Besides, I blew most of it on the playground playing rugby today." "Third-graders playing rugby," Lou muttered as he dabbed on the Potion. "What'll the world come to next?" "Hmmm," Eiko said. "I wonder how everyone else is doing?" "Everyone else?" Lou asked. "Oh, I've never told you," Eiko said. "Well, I and seven of my friends saved the world about two years ago. Quina, Freya, Amarant, Steiner, Vivi, Dagger and Zidane... I wonder how everyone's doing?" "I'm sure they're all doing just swell," Lou said. "There, your horn's as good as new." "I know that Steiner and Dagger are hanging at Alexandria Castle," Eiko continued. "And I think Zidane went off on a trip to see the rest of the world. Hmmm....." Unknown to Eiko at the moment, Zidane was riding Choco through a dark, mist-covered forest. "I don't like the looks of this place," Zidane said to Choco. "Kweh," Choco said. He then reared up and threw Zidane off. Zidane landed face-down on the ground. In front of Choco stood a strange, masked teenager. "Ha! Out like a light," the teenager said, chortling. "Jungle Masker strikes again. Hmmm, I wonder if he has anything on him? Oh, it's THIS guy. Well, that shouldn't be a problem." He turned Zidane over and searched through his pockets. "Hmmm.... Gum, a few Gil, some photographs of some people, AHA!" Jungle Masker pulled out Zidane's trademark daggers. "These are just what I need!" Jungle Masker didn't notice that Zidane had gotten up behind him. He turned around quickly and gave a startled yelp as Zidane dove for him. Jungle Masker hopped on Choco and slapped him. "Hya! Hya! Go, birdy!" he shouted. Zidane grabbed onto Choco's tail as he sped off through the forest. After about a mile of this, Jungle Masker made a sharp turn and sent Zidane flying off. "Who IS that guy?!" Zidane asked himself, standing up. He started following Choco's footprints until they led him right off a cliff. "Son of a-" he yelled as he fell. SPLAT! He landed very hard in a marshy gnoll. He looked up and saw Jungle Masker, tossing Zidane's daggers up in the air like juggling toys. "Hmph! That bird didn't listen to a word I said, so I did you a favor and got rid of it!" "Got rid of it?!" Zidane cried. "What?!" "Awww," Jungle Masker taunted. "What's wrong? Why the sad face? Boo-hoo! Oh, well. I don't have much use for you anymore, so this is a present from me!" Jungle Masker started waving his fingers at Zidane, who suddenly felt very strange. When Jungle Masker stopped waving his fingers, Zidane looked around. "What happened? Ohh!" he exclaimed when he noticed that he wasn't talking in his normal voice. He slowly looked in the pond in front of him and screamed. He had become a rootor, a plant-like swamp-dwelling creature that most people found more disgusting than an oglop. "Ah ha ha! That's a great look for you!" Jungle Masker said. "Well, ta-ta!" He turned around and vanished, leaving Zidane the rootor all alone in the dark forest glenn. RIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNG!!!!!!! The loud, obnoxious alarm woke Lou from his rem cycles. "What? I'm up, I'm up..." he groaned, sitting up in his bed. He had walked Eiko home to her house in Madain Sari after he had treated her wound. The moogles had helped her into bed, as she was quite tired. Lou had then trudged back to Navi City and crashed for the night in his room. "I wonder how Eiko's doing today?" Lou asked himself as he got up. "Now, where did I put my bandana?" He looked around, and suddenly the bandana flew off the floor and into his hand. "What the-" Lou gasped. He looked at a lamp and frowned. It floated slightly off the ground and hovered in midair. Lou then released his frown and the lamp settled down on the desk again. "Wow...." Lou said, looking at himself in the mirror. "Did I eat something not right?" He moved his hands while frowning, and the lamp lifted up and moved the way his hands were moving. "Hmmm... I must have telekinesis," Lou said, putting the lamp back again. "Well, gotta get around to school." Lou dressed and headed downstairs to hand in his room's key to Chuck. He happened to hear the television broadcast that Chuck had on. TV was a reasonably new thing, but it had managed to hook enough people to last centuries by now. "Strange things are happening in our community," the anchorwoman said. "Reports of several young adults exhibiting strange abilities have been filed at the local police station. Scientists are suggesting that these young adults have been afflicted with a genetic default, or a mutation. Citizens are urged to avoid making contact with agressive young adults, but what else is new?" "Hmmm. Mutants, huh?" Chuck asked. "Well, if any of 'em come 'round here, I'll bust 'em up! Lousy freaks." "Huh," Lou muttered as he walked out the door. "I just discover my new powers and already the media turns the public against me. How very much like reality." "Morning, Lou!" Eiko shouted as she met up with him at the crosswalk where they usually met. "....Morning, Eiko." Lou said. "What's up, Lou? You've got something on your mind," Eiko deduced. "...You know those 'mutants' that they talked about on the news?" Lou asked. "Oh, yeah!" Eiko said. "Why? What's wrong?" Lou demonstrated his new powers to Eiko on a mailbox. Eiko's eyes bugged out. "Man, that is SO cool!" Eiko cried. "You've got psychic powers!" "Yeah. but now all my friends will turn against me because I'm different then them.... A freak." "Lou, news flash! You don't HAVE any friends besides me." "...Oh, yeah. I forgot." "I think your new powers rock! I mean, at least you don't have a horn in your head." "Yeah... Thanks, Eiko." Lou said, smiling at the little kid. "No problem," Eiko said. "Besides, this way you can actually have more than two hands! I could use you for a lot of house cleaning." "Ha ha ha," Lou said as they arrived at school. "Actually, I could use these new powers to actually try to avoid..." He was cut off by Creed's obnoxious voice. "Yo, Louie!" "...Creed," Lou finished his sentence. "Uh, hi, Creed. 'Sup?" "Oh, quit yer nice-guy routine, Louie," Creed snarled. "You're just about to meet your better." "Better?..." Lou asked. "Are you into that 'superiority complex' stuff too?" "Shut up!" Creed said, pulling his hands out. "I must've been a good boy, 'cuz look what I got!" Something writhed beneath his hands' skin, then sharp, metal claws shot out. "WHA?!" Lou exclaimed. "Creed, you're a mutant, too?!" "Proud of it, fool," Creed said, slashing at Lou. "I'll show you to mess with Creed Genre!" Creed's claws sliced through the lockers like a plastic knife through hot butter. Lou jumped out of the way, carrying Eiko with him. "This isn't funny, mister!" Eiko shouted. "Protect!" A yellow barrier surrounded Lou and Eiko. Creed's slashes just bounced off. "I'll slice ya to ribbons!" he roared. "Sorry to do this, but..." Lou put his hands to his head. Creed was lifted up into the air. "What the *&$%?!" Creed yelled. "Put me down, you freak!!!" Lou shifted all his power into his mind. Creed was hurled back into the glass windows, which were promptly shattered. Creed got up and ran off into the city. "Yay! Lou, you're so cool! You showed him!" Eiko said, jumping up and down. "I didn't want to do it," Lou said. "And I shouldn't have." "Why, Lou? You wussed him! He'll never pick on you again!" Eiko continued. She suddenly stopped, her eyes got really big, and she pointed. There, in the doorway, stood Principal Auslander, the principal of the school. "What's going on here?!" she barked. She looked around and gasped. "LOU!!! EIKO!!! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!! Do you know how much money it costs to keep this rotten building up to half-standard levels?! That's it. YOU'RE BOTH EXPELLED!" "We're very sorry, Principal Auslander," Lou said, "and we completely understand why you feel this way, but why would you consider hampering our education because of-" "And YOU!!!" Auslander yelled, poking Lou in the belly. "I saw what you did, you mutant freak! Never show your face in this city again! You have one hour to scram before I call the cops. GO!!!" "......." Lou said, and turned around to gather his things and leave. On his way out, everyone's classroom doors opened and hundreds of angry and sneering faces started laughing mockingly and throwing things. "Mutie! Mutie!" they yelled angrilly. "Hey, leave him alone!" Eiko shouted. "What did he do to you?" "He was born!" one student yelled. "Come on, let's hurl rocks!" Kids started picking up the biggest chunks of rock and glass they could and started pitching them at Lou. Lou whipped around very quickly and used his psychic abilities to deflect most of the debris. One big chunk of glass lodged itself in his right arm. He cried out in pain. "Knock it off, meanies!" Eiko demanded. "Protect!" Eiko formed a yellow barrier yet again to shield them from the flying rocks and glass. She helped Lou limp home and sat him down in the comfy chair. "Unbelieveable! I can't believe people can be so intolerant!" Eiko muttered, yanking the glass shard out and casting a Cure spell. Lou got up and sighed. "Well, I guess I have to leave," Lou said. "Thanks for being a good friend, Eiko." "'Thanks for being a good friend?!'" Eiko asked. "What is this?! You're skipping town on me?! Why?" "If I'm to be persecuted for the rest of my life, I don't want you being hurt as well," Lou said. "I'm doing this so you don't get in trouble." "What're you saying, Lou?!" Eiko asked angrily. "You think I'm not good enough to tag along with you? You think I'm too weak and sensitive?! Well, I'm sayin' this right here and now! I'm coming with you, no matter what you say!" "But what about your school career?" Lou asked. "You're only in second grade. What's gonna happen if you drop out?" "Lou, I can use White Magic and I can summon Eidolons. I've got all the knowledge I need!" Eiko protested. "Now are you gonna let me come along, or do I have to hide in your backpack?" "(Sigh) I knew I shouldn't have bought that hiking backpack," Lou grumbled. "OK, you can come." "Great! Pack up your stuff, and then we'll go to Madain Sari and pack up my stuff!" "Sheesh," Lou mumbled. "Who made her the trip organizer?" "Princess, do be sensible!" Captain Steiner said as he, General Beatrix and Dagger (AKA Queen Garnet) approached the large, glowing rock. "An Eidolon's trapped in this rock," Dagger answered. "I have to find out what it is..." "Really, your majesty," Beatrix protested. "I should be the one to touch the stone. It is my duty as your highest knight." "Me too," Steiner added. "As the Commander of the Knights of Pluto, I have to protect all Alexandrian royalty." "Well.... OK," Dagger said, frowning. "Just be careful. It may be violent." Steiner and Beatrix drew their swords and approached the glowing stone. They both pressed their hands against it at the same time, and a gigantic bolt of lightning threw them both backwards. "Steiner! Beatrix!" Dagger exclaimed. She looked at the rock, and a ray composed of fire, ice and lightning fired at her. It didn't hit her so much as entered her. She lay motionless on the ground, smoking. "......Your majesty?" Beatrix asked, kneeling over her. Dagger's eyes opened, but they weren't dagger's eyes. They were completely white, and Dagger's face curled into the evillest sneer one could ever see. "Free, at last," she said with a man's voice. "Free to conquer this world..... Tritoch lives once again!!!" "Well, off we go," Lou said as he and Eiko left the city boundaries. "Goodbye, Madain Sari, goodbye Navi City..." "Just go already!" a citizen yelled, throwing a stone at Lou. "That was uncalled for," Lou grumbled, rubbing his forehead. "C'mon, Lou," Eiko said, taking him by his hand. "We'll go to Conde Petie first and get suited up. I know a great place to swipe-uh, I mean, buy stuff." The two travelled across the open desert field. "Say, did you know I could use Red Magic?" Lou asked, as he broke off a strong branch of a dead tree and fashioned it into a kind of club. "Really?!" Eiko asked. "How much magic can you use?" "Up to the 'ara' spells," Lou said. "Red Magic only goes up to level 2 of Black and White Magic." "So you're kind of like Vivi and me put together?" Eiko asked. "I don't know who Vivi is, but if he uses Black Magic, then yes.... At least, half of you and Vivi." They kept travelling along the dusty roads, stopping at fast food chains and gas stations along the way to relieve themselves and have some munchies. "It's amazing how the world became so technologically advanced after the Mist disappeared," Eiko said. "Yeah, now we have McDonalds' stores everywhere," Lou said, happily chomping on a cheeseburger. "It's where those Save Moogles hang out nowadays." They paid for their lunch and saved their game, and kept moving. They came to a large cliff on the trail. "Huh. This must be where that Iifa Tree root was blocking the road. I can't cross it on my own," Eiko said. "No problem," Lou said, using his mutant psychic powers to airlift them to the other side. Suddenly, there was a great rumbling. "What was that?!" Lou asked. Suddenly, they were sucked into a boss battle against Hilgigars, the master of the mountain trail. "GRRRR!!!!" he growled. "Who's this?!" Lou asked. "He guards the mountain trail against intruders," Eiko said. "Zidane and I beat him before, but he doesn't know you, so he doesn't know to keep clear!" "Let's get him to leave," Lou agreed. "I'll use my Red Magic. Thundara!" Lou fired a mid-sized lightning bolt at Hilgigars. He absorbed it and fell over, but he got back up quickly and started throwing a tantrum. "HARD PUNCH!!!" he yelled, slamming his fist into Lou. Lou, who was only at level 3, flew backwards and landed face first on the ground. "I'll help, Lou! Terrestrial Rage!" Eiko called, summoning a giant earth-made fist to burrow out of the ground and blast Hilgigars into the air. He landed on his face, and just got even madder. He blasted Eiko backwards with a Hard Punch as well. "Lou, try using your psychic abilities!" Eiko called. "OK," Lou said, using his Confusion attack. This didn't have any effect on Hilgigars whatsoever. Hilgigars closed in for the kill, when suddenly... "Leave 'em alone, you fat green tub o' goo!" Everyone looked up and they saw a black, furry guy with a demon's tail and pointy ears. He wore a bandana like Lou, and he carried a spiked knuckle. "Back off, blobbo," he barked at Hilgigars, "or you'll hafta deal with ME!" "GRAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Hilgigars roared, charging at the new person. He leaped out of the way and landed on Hilgigars's back. "You ain't gonna bother no one no more," the guy said, raising his knuckle. "MORPH!" He dug his knuckle into Hilgigars's back. Hilgigars shriveled up and became a Phoenix Pinion. The guy picked it up and shoved it in his pocket. "Well, see you guys later," he said. "Keep it real!" "Wait!" Lou called. "What's your name? You saved us. At least tell us your name." "Awright," the guy said. "Name's Marc Cronstadt. I'm a lone adventurer lookin' for thrills of any kind. Life's too short for sittin' on your ars, that's what I always say. Who're you guys?" "I'm Lou Runic and this is Eiko Carol," Lou said, pointing to Eiko. "I'm from Lindblum and she's from Madain Sari." "I'm from Burmecia myself," Marc said, taking out a cigarette and lighting it. "Burmecia? You don't look like a mouse," Eiko said. "You don't have the nose for it, and your tail's different." "There's a reason for that," Marc said. "I'm a mutant." "You're a mutant, too?" Lou asked. "Huh. Do you have any special powers?" Marc disappeared in a cloud of black smoke, then reappeared about 5 feet up the trail. "...Maybe," he said, grinning impishly. "Where are you two headin'?" "Well, we're going up to Conde Petie to get some armor and stuff," Eiko explained. "After that I don't know what we're going to do." "No final destination? No goal? No prize?" Marc asked. "Hey, hey, hey, I like you guys. Just roamin' the planet with no other purpose. Mind if I tag along? I can show you guys places that you ain't gonna find in no tourist book." "Well, sure, if you don't mind travelling with a Summoner and a Psychic mutant," Lou said. "Hell, it don't bother me at all," Marc said, teleporting back to Lou and Eiko. "C'mon, let's get a move on!" Freya peered down into the dark laboratory. In the moonlight, she could see all sorts of devilish tools that the professor was using. "Well, well..... Prof, I think tonight's when you go down all the way," Freya said, cutting a hole in the glass with her lance. She dropped down into the lab and looked around. All around there lay mangled bodies of humans and rat people alike, stitched together in gruesome failed experiments. "Yuck," Freya hissed, covering her nose. Suddenly, the lights came on, and ten zombie soldiers emerged from the darkness. They held poison dart shooters, so Freya dropped her lance and put her hands up. "This teaches me to keep my opinions to myself!" she muttered. The professor came into the room. "Ah, another fine test specimen! You'll make a fine soldier in my new army.... Sieze her!" "Here we be," Marc said as the trio rounded the viney bend that led into Conde Petie. "Conde Petie, home of the freaky little green dudes." "Last time I was here, I was sneakin' stuff with Mog," Eiko said. "...Place hasn't changed much." "Conde Petie is very isolated," Lou said. "It doesn't have much contact with people from the outside." They walked past the two guards, who instantly sealed the door. "Hey, what's the big idea?!" Eiko asked angrily. "Only two who have the blessin' can be passin' thru the gyates, lads!" one guard said. "Well, I guess we won't be coming back this way," Lou said. "Come on, let's check in at the inn and get some shut-eye." "I'll see you dudes later," Marc said, vanishing and reappearing near a door. "I've got a bar to tackle." "Isn't he a bit young to be drinking?" Eiko asked. "He probably has a fake ID," Lou said. "Most kids my age have one. See? Here's mine. I used it to get an ATM card, but that's all." Eiko squinted at the ID. "....Boris Knickerbaiter, age 56?" she asked. "I have an aging disability," Lou whispered playfully. As the duo checked in at the inn, they were unaware that there was someone watching them... "Oh yeah!" Marc sighed with pleasure as he threw back another 40. "That stuff opens the sleuces at both ends!" "Hey, you cannae just walk ootta here without payin'!" he heard a yell. "Watch me," a gruff voice answered. Marc looked over his shoulder and saw a rather burly looking teenager in a fight with the bartender. "Winn ye pay, I'll let ye go," the bartender said, blocking the door. "You just don't get it, do you?" the kid said. "Well, nobody bosses San Andreas Polo around anymore! I do what I want! You wanna see why?" He lifted his arms up and rolled his eyes back until you could only see the whites. The entire bar began to shake and crumble. "Oy! He be a mutant!" other goblins cried, jumping out windows or hiding below the bar stools. "What the hell?!" Marc asked, getting up and teleporting behind San Andreas. "Hey, buddy, knock it off! You're scarin' the other customers, and-" "Shut up, you furry mouse-man! Whatcha gonna do, hit me with a cheese ball?!" "I may be from Burmecia, but I ain't no mouse," Marc said, getting angrier. "Now, are you gonna pay your tab, or do we have to take this outside?" "Ha!" San Andreas laughed, quaking Marc and the bartender to the ground and walking out the door. "Jerk," Marc grumbled. "Here, mac. I'll pay up." Marc paid for what San Andreas had drank, and then went outside to join Lou and Eiko at the inn. San Andreas marched down the road to the Iifa Tree, when suddenly he felt a chill. He turned around and saw a man covered in shadow. He wore a cape and a helmet shaped like a dragon's head. "Who're you?!" San Andreas demanded. "You're new employer," the man said. "I see you have mutant powers that can be of use to me. I'm building an army of mutants to conquer this planet, and you have good potential. Go and level that city." "....I don't take orders from guys like you," San Andreas huffed. "How about now?" the man said, making a bag of at least 10,000 Gil appear. "Ho yeah!" San Andreas said. "Now go and reak havok, my young Quaker," the man said, pointing at Conde Petie. "I'm going to go out and see the sights, OK Eiko?" Lou said. "Just be back soon," Eiko said. "I get lonely fast." Lou walked outside and noticed that the sky had gotten cloudy real fast. Lou picked up a travel brochure. "...I guess I'll go see the big chair where folks get hitched." He walked up towards that direction, not noticing that someone was following him... Someone with an eye on his wallet. Lou stood on the long platform, staring at the chair, watching a young couple get married. "That must be real nice," he said to himself. "I'd like to be up there someday, but who would marry a freak like me?..." Suddenly, the sun came out and shone straight down upon Lou. "Aye, lad," a local said. "Wit de sun shinin' on ye like thet, ye're sure tae meet a sweetie real soon!" "Really? Huh," Lou said, then noticing that there was someone next to him with her hands in his pants pocket. She grabbed his wallet and started to run. "HEY, YOU!!!" Lou yelled angrily. He picked up his heels and chased after the thief. He pursued the crook all over the place. She always dodged him by leaping on top of things, while he struggled at her from below. "Damn! If I don't do something fast, I'll be short about 500 Gil!" he grumbled. Then it hit him. He put his hands to his head and shut his eyes tightly. "What's he doin'?!" the thief asked herself. Suddenly, she couldn't move. She was lifted off the ground and dropped back in front of Lou. The wallet was wrenched out of her hand and floated back into Lou's pocket. "Now, what did you think you were doing?!" Lou asked crossly. "That was all the money I had in the world!" "Y-you're a mutant, aren't you?!" the girl said. "Uh, uh, uh, I gotta go!" "Hold on a minute, little lady," Marc said as he came up on her from behind. "You can't just gawk and run!" Eiko said, marching up beside her. "What? I'm sorry, already! I won't do it again!" the girl protested. "Riiight," Marc said, rolling his eyes. "Once a thief, always a thief," Eiko huffed. "You'll just go rip someone else off!" "Crime isn't the best alternative," the girl explained, "but I have to do it. I'm not a bad person.... I'm just desperate." "Yeah, right. Uh-huh," Lou sarcastically said. "Save us the sob story, sister." "What's your name, chickie?" Marc asked. "I wanna report this to your old man." ".................................." the girl mumbled as she stood there. Suddenly, a large rumbling started. "What's happening?!" Eiko asked as she fell over on her keister. "It's a quake!" Lou said. "But I thought Conde Petie never had quakes..." "It doesn't," Marc said, pointing. "THERE's your quake." The party looked down the street and saw San Andreas, now called Quaker, knocking down buildings with his powers. "Ah ha ha ha!!!" he laughed. "I'm getting a real kick out of this!" "Oh, no! Quaker's destroying the town!" Eiko cried. "How'd you know his name was Quaker?" Lou asked. "Well, it said right up there," Eiko said, pointing up to the last few sentences. "C'mon, let's go stop him," Marc said, drawing his spiked knuckle. Lou, Eiko and Marc ran off, leaving the thief standing in the middle of the street, unguarded. "Ha! Toppling a town for loads of cash," Quaker laughed. "I've found the best job in the world!" "Hey, you!" Marc shouted as the trio arrived on the scene. "Oh? It's the mouse man!" Quaker laughed. "What, you want a second beating?!" "Quit knocking buildings down!" Eiko exclaimed. "You're scaring the children!" "I ain't listenin' to YOU, you pipsqueak!" Quaker said, shaking her onto the ground again. "Only people I listen to is myself and my employer!" "I guess there's no stopping this," Lou said, drawing his staff. "You wanna fight? I'll squash you flat!" Quaker said, starting up a Magnitude 4 earthquake. Marc, Lou and Eiko were thrown on the ground. "Power over the rocks means nothing to one who can also use the earth as a weapon!" Eiko exclaimed. "Terrestrial rage!!" Fenrir the wolf appeared, and its earthen fist blew Quaker into the air, but if the attack did anything, it made him stronger. "Is that the best you've got?!" Quaker laughed. "I've felt more pain from a bee sting! Have a taste of my Quakaga attack!" A gigantic wall of earth rose up and washed over the party. They were buried waist-deep in dirt. "Dangit!" Marc cursed. "Now I'll squash you all and get back to my job!" Quaker laughed. "No, you won't!" a voice from behind shouted. Everyone looked and saw the thief running up to help, her dagger drawn and held high. "What's this? A girl Zidane?" Quaker laughed. "C'mon, Sadie, I'll kick your butt too!" "I don't think so, chunky," the thief said, raising her hands. "Blind!" A white blast coated Quaker's eyes. "AAAAHHHHH!!! I'M BLIND!!!" he howled. "Now we have a chance!" Lou said, using his psychic powers to lift Quaker off the ground. "Great! Now he can't use earth magic!" Eiko cheered. "Let's finish this. Terra Homing!" Quaker was swallowed up by a huge wire-frame ball and a gigantic beast dealt a lot of Holy damage to him before plopping him back down. "Ohhh...." he groaned. "That's it! I'm outta here!" he yelled, running out of town and vanishing. "YAY! We saved Conde Petie!" Eiko cheered. "Yeah! Who da man? We da man!" Marc said, doing a silly dance. "...And we owe it to you," Lou said to the thief. "......Saria Gemstone," the thief said. "Excuse me?" Lou asked. "...My name is Saria Gemstone. I'm from Majora Village near Oelivert." "Well, nice to meet you, Saria," Lou said, shaking her hand. Saria wore a White Mage outfit, and she had long, rippling brown hair. She also looked like she worked out a lot. "Isn't Majora Village a farm community?" Eiko asked. "Yes, it is," Saria said sadly. "The good people who live there have had their crops withered and destroyed by a mysterious force. The people have had to resort to begging and stealing to reach even semi-subsistence. I came all the way out here to see if there's anything good on other continents, and... Look, I need to find a new source of income for my village. Can I come with you guys?" "Well, uh," Marc said, frowning. "Please! This isn't a ruse! I don't want to steal, and if I was just a thief, wouldn't I have run away instead of fought Quaker?" She grabbed Lou's hands. "Please, I'll make it up to you, really! I'm a White Mage as well!" She gave Lou the irresistable anime wet-eye technique. "Oh, all right," Lou said, blushing a bit. "But no tricks, got it?" "Promise," Saria said. "She ain't crossin' her fingers," Marc said as he looked behind her. "Well then...." Lou said. "...Welcome aboard, Saria." Saria smiled happily. Squall sat on a rock, muttering to himself as he widdled a piece of wood with his gun blade. "Hrmmph!" he grumbled. "Fancy-pants writer makes a 7.5 and a 9.5, but he skips off playin' 8 'cuz we don't look cartoony enough for him! Where's the justice?! Am I not a product of Squaresoft? Do I not lose hit points when struck by something?! What do I have to do to get a story written called Final Fantasy 8.5, huh?! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO, YOU CARTOON-LOVING TWIT?!" "Squall, you're on the air right now," Rinoa shouted from offscreen. Squall stared sheepishly at the camera. "Uh, uh, uhhhhh.... Hi, uh, I'm Squall, and I'm from Final Fantasy 8, and, hey, hey, come back here with that camera! HEY!!!! Come on, just give me another min-" "So, where do we go now?" Eiko asked. "How 'bout we go to Black Mage Village?" Marc said. "There's some cool stuff to see there, plue I hear they've got the best on-tap lager on Gaia!" "He boozes a lot, am I right?" Saria asked Lou. "Beats me," Lou said. "I just met him this morning." "Of course, to get to Black Mage Village, we'll need to pass through the dark forest that surrounds it," Marc said, pointing at the forboding-looking trees. "Wow. Great. That's gonna be just a walk in the park," everyone else grumbled. "No, it's through the woods," Marc said again. The group entered the dark forest. The sunlight was almost instantly blotted out and it looked as if night had fallen. "There's Mist here...." Eiko said. "This's creepy," Saria said. "I've never been in a forest before." "I find that hard to believe," Lou said. "You've NEVER been in a forest?" "No," Saria said, looking around nervously. "Ever since I was a little girl, I've been warned never to go into forests because of the Rootors." "Rootors?" Eiko asked. "I've never heard of a Rootor." "They're horrible creatures made out of bark and leaves," Saria explained. "They shoot acid from their mouths and they have a viney tongue that shoots out to devour their prey. They're pretty small, but don't underestimate them! I've heard of a Rootor the size of Eiko that ate a fat kid. A FAT kid!" "It's OK, Saria," Lou said. "We'll protect you from Rootors." "I wonder if there ARE any Rootors here," Marc said. "I've never seen one either, and-" He stopped talking. In front of them stood a small, shady figure. It stood up, and in the light, they could see its face. "Who's there?" it asked in a high-pitched, wobbly voice. "IT'S A ROOTOR!!!" Saria screamed. "RUN!!!" "Wait!" the Rootor shouted as the party started to run. "Was that... Eiko?!" "(Pant, pant) Man, was that scary," Eiko panted. "I've never run THAT fast before," Marc said. "I usually just 'port." "It didn't seem violent," Lou said. "I think it was scared by us." "Eiko?....." the wobbly voice said again from behind them. "It's chasing us!" Saria cried. "RUN!!!" "No, wait," Eiko said. "It knows my name..." Eiko approached the Rootor. "Who are you? Come into the light so I can see you!" The Rootor stepped into the light. Eiko gasped. "Eiko, don't you recognize me?..." the Rootor asked. "My goodness," Eiko stammered as she looked at the Rootor. It had short, blonde hair and wore a blue ribbon-like thing on its chest. It also had a tail. "...Zidane?!" "Zidane?" Lou asked. "That friend of yours?" "Finally, someone I know," Zidane said. "I'm sure you're wondering how I ended up like this... A masked weird guy turned me into a Rootor, and he ran off with Choco and my daggers! I'm completely useless..." "Man, that must suck," Marc said. "Gettin' your weapon stolen and turned into a tree-man." "Hush!" Saria said. "He's probably very sensitive." "What'm I gonna do?!" Zidane asked sadly. Something began to dribble from his orange, pupil-less eyes. "Syrup," Lou said, getting a bit on his finger and tasting it. "Zidane, why don't you come with us? I'm sure you can find this guy and get your daggers back." "You think so?" Zidane asked. "Thanks, Eiko. I can't let Dagger see me like this...." "Yeah," Marc said. "I ain't never heard of nobody gettin' down with a tree-man." Saria slugged Marc in the shoulder. "Come on, Zidane," Eiko said. "We're going to Black Mage Village. Maybe we'll find Vivi, and then we can go find this masked guy! Whaddya say?" "You bet!" Zidane said. "Of course, I'm not a total wuss... I can spit acid and lash out with my vine tongue." "This troupe's gettin' weirder and weirder," Marc said, rolling his eyes. The group finally arrived in Black Mage Village, home of the Black Mages and Genomes. "Man, what a weird-looking town," Lou said. "At least the background music's cool, and so is the landscape," Saria said, taking off her hood. "I'm gonna see if I can go find Vivi," Eiko said, running off. "Yo, Vivi!" "Excuse me, but Marc is off an' chuggin'," Marc said, walking over towards a few genomes. "Ladies!" "He's a horny little fuzzball, isn't he?" Lou asked. "Uh-oh," Zidane said, shaking his head. "That's my sister he's talking to. This'll be entertaining." "Hey, sweet thing," Marc said, approaching Mikoto. "Sweet.... Thing?" Mikoto asked. "I don't understand." "...Is that a mirror in your pocket? 'Cuz I can see myself in your pants," Marc tried again. ".....All I have in my pocket is some dryer lint," Mikoto said, holding up the dark blue fuzz. "Errrrr......" Marc said, scratching his head. "You wanna pull my tail?" he asked, waving his tail in front of her. She grabbed it and hurled Marc over her shoulder. ".....That wasn't the right thing to do, was it?" Mikoto asked. "Oh, never mind," Marc said, thinking of something else. "Say...." "VIVI!" Eiko called, walking around the village. "VIVI, where are you?" "What, you have to wake up the entire neighborhood just to find me?" Vivi asked, walking out of the inn. "Good, I thought I'd find you here," Eiko said, patting the Black Mage on the back. "How goes it?" "Well, I've been travelling around the world trying to find the ultimate Black Magic attack," Vivi said, "but I haven't had a lot of luck. You know what I'm talking about, right?" "You mean...." Eiko said, stopping her friendly look. "Meteo?" "Yeah," Vivi said. "I want to learn it before I stop moving, and I've searched everywhere! I was about to go to Mist Continent again to try my luck there. I've heard that there's a staff on sale at the Auction House in Treno that teaches Meteo." "You're going to Treno, huh?" Eiko asked. "You mind if I and my little band come with you?" "Well, I don't have any airships, so I'm planning on going through Fossil Roo," Vivi said. "Is that OK?" "I don't know," Eiko said. "Let's ask the others. I'll introduce you to them too, OK?" "Ah ha ha," Lou laughed. "Marc just doesn't know when to quit." "He's a lot like me before I met Dagger," Zidane said, making what Rootors call a smile. "He's got Mikoto massaging his back," Saria snickered, "because he asked her to check for moles!" "Yeaaaaahhhhhhhhh," Marc sighed. "That's real good...." "You're sure that if I keep rubbing, the moles will go away?" Mikoto asked. "Positive. Ooooooohhhh," Marc sighed again. "She'll catch on and kick his rear sooner of later," Saria said. "You don't know Mikoto," Zidane said. "It'll take a few years to figure out that Marc's coming on to her." "...If he can keep this up for that long," Lou said, grinning. "I bet he can," Saria said, shaking her head as Marc got Mikoto to apply baby oil to his back. "He's girl-crazy." "At least I know he won't come on to me," Zidane said. "Hey guys!" Eiko said as she came back. "This is my buddy Vivi!" "Hi," Vivi said, shyly waving. "....Zidane, is that you?" "Uh-huh," Zidane said in his wobbly Rootor voice. Vivi looked Zidane over. "Hmm," he said. "This isn't good." "A guy wearing a jungle warrior's mask cursed me," Zidane explained. "Curse, you say?" Vivi said. "There's one thing I know that can lift a curse." "What's that?" everyone asked. "The fabled Song of the Ancients. It's a mystical melody that lifts all curses and the 'Virus' status. Unfortunately, there's only one place I know of where we could learn it." "Where's that?" everyone asked. "...And why are we all talking in unison?" "The Library of Burmecia has the song," Vivi said. "I went there while I was on my travels. The mice abandoned all chance of repairing Burmecia and Cleyra and they just built a new town in-between; Burmeyra. Half of it is always in rain, and the other half is surrounded by a sandstorm." "If you go to Burmecia, will you be able to become yourself again?" Mikoto asked as she looked up from Marc's sponge bath. "Oh, geez. Marc, have you no shame?!" Lou demanded. "We're outside in broad daylight!" Marc looked around at everybody who was staring at him, got very red and redressed himself. "Er.... Thanks, Mikoto. I feel much better now," he said, shaking her hand. "Ummmmm...... Errrrrrr......" Mikoto said, her face getting red. "Oh, so she does all that stuff for him, and now she gets all blushy when he shakes her hand?!" Saria laughed. "She's hopeless!" "Anyway, yes, Mikoto, Zidane will be returned to normal when he hears the Song of the Ancients." "Sounds like a plan," Zidane said. "Let's go to Fossil Roo. The Gargants there will help us get to the Mist Continent." "I'm coming too," Vivi said. "I want to learn Meteo." "Hey, maybe you can help me perfect my Red Magic," Lou said. "O-ok," Vivi said, a bit surprised at the request. "Well, let's go," Saria said. "Last one to Fossil Roo is a squished Oglop!" "Well, looks like I have to go," Marc said to Mikoto. "See ya 'round, Mikoto," he said, blowing a kiss. Mikoto got very red and passed out. "Emotions are very difficult to master," Black Mage number 187 said as he sharpened his battle axe and prepared to split his neighbor in two. "What?" Lou said. "Forget it, the writer's just waffling," Saria said, pulling Lou along. "Are we there yet?" Marc asked as the party trudged through the howling desert between Black Mage Village and Fossil Roo. "No," Vivi said. "We still have a few kilometers to go." "Heh heh heh," Lou said as he watched his pocket tv. "Those Digimon dudes really crack me up.... Hey, it's the Princess Mimi episode! Raworrr." "You have a pocket tv?!" Saria asked. "Yeah, my parents gave it to me before they sent me to Navi City. It was a parting gift..." Lou said, then he frowned and hid his face from the others. "How will they cope with having a mutant for a son?...." "I'm sure they'll still love you," Saria said, patting Lou's shoulder. "My mom was a mutant, too," Marc spoke up. "My old man up and left a while after my 12th birthday..." "That must've been hard," Eiko said. "To be shunned is worse than death," Marc said, shaking his head. "Didn't someone say something like that earlier?" Lou asked. "Saria, are there many mutants in Majora Village?" Zidane asked as he wobbled along. "There was only one that I remember," Saria said, sighing sadly. "His name was Roger Norburn. He was my first boyfriend." "Really?..." Lou said, looking up. "Whenever he danced, flames shot out from his limbs and hair. They called him the Fire Dancer..... That wasn't in a good way. People mocked him and sprayed him with water, hoping he'd cool off and die. I stood by him when this happened, but he left anyway.... I didn't do enough to help him... I failed..." "Saria...." Lou said quietly. Suddenly, the ground started to shake. "What the fudge?!" Eiko shouted as she fell over again. "I hope it isn't Quaker again," Marc growled. "He really pisses me off!" "Don't you ever not cuss?!" Zidane huffed. Suddenly, a huge, metal hand shot out of the ground. It was followed by a huge, metal arm and a huge, metal shoulder blade and a huge, metal chest and- "We get the point," Vivi shouted. A giant, metal man emerged from the ground. "GRAAAAHHHHH!!!!" it yelled. "Intruders in the vicinity! Steel Man Attack Mode 1 initiated!" His gigantic fist started to punch rapidly at the party. "What the heck?!" Lou asked. "It's a man made entirely of metal," Vivi exclaimed. "I think they're called Golems." "I'm a Replidroid, you foolish humanoid," Steel Man sneered. "Begin Anihilation Procedure Gamma! Use Special Attack 'Iron Fist!'" Steel Man's arm doubled in size, and he slammed it down on Marc. "Aaaaagh!!" Marc shouted as he struggled to get out. "Lay off 'im, you walking Spam canister!" Zidane yelled, firing his Rootor acid at Steel Man. The acid hissed as it hit Steel Man's armor, and the armor started to fizzle away. "GRAAAAHHHH!!!!" Steel Man shouted, stepping backwards. "Fools! You shall suffer for your resistance! Attack Mode 2! Special Attack 'Plasma Ray!'" Steel Man's arm became a giant cannon and started firing huge fiery bursts at the party. "Let me stop him," Vivi said. "Thundaga!" Lightning shot down and zapped Steel Man, who fell flat on his butt. "You shall not triumph! Steel Man Unit 4873 Transmitting Organic Status Charts to Unimatrix 0.... Masterman will aquire the data and send a stronger prototype to defeat you," Steel Man said. "Stuff it, Tin Man," Marc shouted. "Morph!" He slashed Steel Man and turned him into a Mythril Rod. Lou picked the rod up. "I can use this," Lou said, picking it up and swinging it around. "Feels good." "Where did that guy come from?" Saria asked, looking at the caved-in hole in the ground. "Heck if I know," Eiko said, poking at the displaced earth with her flute. "This is a bad sign," Zidane said. "I didn't understand all that techno-babble he was spouting off, but I'm guessing that there will be more." "Let's keep going," Vivi said. "Fossil Roo's pretty close by." "...Your majesty?" Steiner asked as Dagger opened her eyes. "Uhhh? What happened, Steiner?" Dagger asked as she sat up slowly. "You touched the Eidolon stone, and then there was a flash, and the next thing I knew, you were out cold," Beatrix said, coming into the room with a hot rag. She put it on Dagger's head. "I feel ill," Dagger moaned, "and yet I'm really, really hungry, as if there's someone else inside my body.... Oh, well. Have we got any Triscuits?" The party finally reached the entrance to Fossil Roo, the gateway to Mist Continent. "We'll have to ride a lot of gargants to get this group across," Lou said. "He's right," Vivi said as he looked around. "There's 6 of us, and a normal gargant can only hold 3." "....Unless we can find Big Daddy," Zidane said. "What?" everyone asked. "Big Daddy's the king of the gargants," Zidane explained. "He can get 6 people across, but you need to feed him a lot more than normal gargants." The troupe walked down into the dark caves and walked until they couldn't find anything else to walk on. "What are these wires doing here?" Eiko asked. "Oh, yeah. I forgot that you've never ridden a gargant," Zidane said. "The gargants travel on these wires.... Blah, blah, blah..." "Right," Saria said. "I guess we just wait here until Big Daddy comes along." They waited. And waited. And waited. "Maybe he doesn't like us," Lou suggested. "Naw," Marc said as he grabbed Zidane and held him up over his head. "He just needs to be tempted." "What're you doing?!" Zidane yelled. "That's not funny, Marc!" Eiko shouted. "Heeere, Big Daddy!" Marc shouted. "Doesn't he look scrumptious? 100% Grade-A Rootor! Lots of chlorophyl!" Sure enough, Big Daddy rumbled around the corner and swallowed Zidane whole, giving everyone enough time to climb up on his back. "It'll take us about an hour to get to Qu's Marsh," Marc said. "What about Zidane?!" Vivi demanded. "Relax," Marc said. "Gargants don't chew their food. I reckon he'll be back with us in 45 minutes." "..........." Lou said. "GROSS!" Everyone else yelled. As they rode along, the party started to get bored. Eiko started to play her flute, while Vivi took out his Black Mage's First Coloring Book and started coloring a picture of Meteor with his 12-piece crayon set. The older folks just sat back and enjoyed the ride. "So, Lou," Saria asked. "Where're you from?" "Lindblum," Lou answered. "My folks sent me off to Navi City a few years ago, just after the Mist lifted. I've been living in an apartment ever since. I met Eiko at school, and she's been my best friend ever since." "Well," Saria continued. "What's Lindblum like?" "It's big," Lou continued. "...And it's smokey. It's a bit too polluted for me to live in for the rest of my life. When I'm older, I was hoping to move to Burmeyra." "Hmmm," Saria thought out loud. "Have you ever had a girlfriend?....." "One," Lou said, frowning. "Her name was Kira. Man, she was the nicest person around.... But my stepbrother drove her away." "What? How?" Saria asked. "He was really good at telling lies, so he made up a lie that I was a mutant, and that pretty much kept everyone at 10 meter distance. Oh, it was awful.... He'd come up to me at lunch on the playground and push me into the mud. 'Mutant! Mutant!' he'd yell, just to show that he could do that.... Urrrrrghhhh.... I'm sure it was just growing pains or something, but-" A loud, trumpeting noise was heard, then Zidane crawled down and sat down next to the others. "Hi, guys," he grumbled. "Would you mind sitting downwind?" Marc asked, covering his nose. "Definitely worth an 'A' ticket..." Zidane mumbled, plopping down at the back of the carriage. The trip lasted about 15 minutes more, then Big Daddy stopped and the group hopped off at the Qu's Marsh. "Where to now?" Eiko asked. "Where else?" Vivi said. "We'll go to Burmecia and help restore Zidane." "Sounds good," Lou said. "Let's get moving!" "Urrrrrrghhhhhhh....." Amarant moaned as he fell on his knees. He had been wandering through Oelivert Canyon for days without meeting another single person, and he was just about at the end of his rope. Oelivert Canyon had been known as the Canyon of the Dead ever since the Mist had lifted. Whether it was night or day, zombies and mummies roamed the canyon, paralyzing travelers with their undead gazes and devouring their souls right on the spot, then transforming them into zombies themselves. "Gotta hold out a little longer..." Amarant groaned as he stood up again. "I've gotta reach my boat.... Then I can go back to civilization..." Suddenly, he heard a loud howling behind him. He turned around to see a gang of wolves coming at him. "Wolves?... Ha ha ha," Amarant laughed as he drew his claws. "Bring it on." The wolves' eyes started glowing green, and they leaped upon Amarant. All went black... "Hi, my name is Terra," Terra Branford said. "I'm from Final Fantasy 6. If you'd like to see a Final Fantasy 6.5, just say so!" "That was positively pointless," Zidane said. "Well, whoever she was, she was damn cute," Marc said, snickering. The 6 travelers squelched their way through the Qu Marsh. "How do we get out of here again?" Lou asked. "Uh-oh..." Vivi said, looking around. "Did I make a wrong turn?..." Suddenly, they ran smack-dab into the biggest frog anyone had ever seen. It must've been 20 feet on both angles. "Whew," Zidane said. "Do they usually make frogs this large?" The frog's tongue snapped out and slurped them all up in one shot. "Geez!" Marc said as he looked around. "What happened?!" "The frog ate us, I guess," Saria asked. "Ewww, I've got frog slime on my robes!" "Actually, frog slime makes people's skin softer and makes people look younger," Zidane said, scooping up a handful of the gunk. "Dagger always used the stuff. Never smelled that nice, but you could tell that she was in a good mood." "Ahhhh, someone else get eaten by giant frog?" a voice came from right next to Zidane. "WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" everyone yelled. Vivi heated up the end of his staff and lifted it upwards to see who was talking. "....Quina?!" Zidane, Eiko and Vivi asked. "Hello!" Quina said. "No see you guys in long time! Hey, what this? This yummy Rootor? Ooh, Quina hungry!" "No way," Zidane said, pushing him/her away. "I've already been through enough digestive systems today." "Hey Quina, what're you doing here anyway?" Vivi asked. "Well," Quina started. "I walking through marsh yesterday looking for yummy frogs, when I see big, BIG frog in bushes. I try to eat it, but it eat me instead. I eat bugs and other things frog no eats that fall down frog's throat." "Maybe we should try going out the way we came in," Lou said. "As Zidane can testify, it probably beats the alternative." "Hey," Quina said, looking around. "You have many yummy things here! Rootor, fuzzy guy, mutant! I taste?" "How did you know I was a mutant?" Lou asked. "I have good sense of smell," Quina said. "Mutant no smell like normal human. Mutant smell better." "No wonder you always smell good, even though you don't use deoderant," Eiko said, laughing. "Hey, stop it!" Lou said, frowning. "Here, I'll try to get us out. I'll use my psychic abilities to make the frog feel like throwing up." "I have a better idea," Eiko said, starting to stomp on the squishy ground, hard. "We'll give him indigestion!" Everyone started to jump up and down and punch the walls and all sorts of things. Nothing happened. "OK, we'll have to toughen things up," Eiko said. "Everybody Riverdance!" All seven started pounding the floor while bounding around with bagpipes playing from somewhere. The frog eventually ralphed, sending all of them flying back out into the marsh. "Oooohhhh," Zidane moaned. "I don't know which felt worse... The frog ejecting me or trying to dance with Rootor legs." "So, I guess we'll go to Burmecia now, huh?" Marc asked. "Fine time... Lookin' forward to seein' my old hometown again." "...You know that it was destroyed, right?" Eiko asked. "Yeah," Marc said. "That makes it even better. No annoying neighbors!" "We should go to Burmeyra first, though," Vivi suggested. "We should rest there before going into Burmecia. The monsters have gotten a lot meaner since the Mist lifted." "We'll have to pass through Gizamaluke's Grotto," Zidane pointed out. "I wonder how that moogle family's doing?" "Guess we'll find out," Eiko said. "Let's get moving, shall we?" Freya awoke and found herself strapped onto a metal table. Her legs, arms and tail were all bound to the sides of the table as well. "Where am I?" she asked. "I guess the knock-out gas wore off," a hunched figure said as it walked towards her. "Who are you?!" Freya demanded. "Why are you doing this to me?" "My, my, my..." the figure said. "How odd. You're the one strapped down, and yet YOU'RE the one making demands!" "Urrrgh...." Freya grumbled, biting her lip. "I am Doctor Necromaster," the professor said. "This is my laboratory in Oelivert." "THE Doctor Necromaster?!" Freya gulped. Necromaster was a twisted doctor who studied, reanimated and then turned corpses of dead people into killing machines. No one could say his name without giving someone else a bout of nausea. "Yes. Freya Crescent, isn't it? Ah you're just perfect for my next experiment." "What would that be?!" Freya asked. "That's for me to know and you to find out," Necromaster snapped. "Don't worry... I've performed the experiment before..." He pulled back a curtain and another person stepped forward. "Fratley?!..." Freya cried. Fratley stood there, as stiff as a board. His eyes were completely black, and half of him was wrapped in bandages like a mummy is. "What did you do to him?!" Freya demanded. "Ah ah ah..." Necromaster said, shaking his bony finger. "Doctor-patient confidentiality." Necromaster drew out a needle and plunged it into Freya's left arm. "Trust me, this will hurt," he chuckled calmly. The needled arm started to go numb and turn grayer in hue. Then he clamped a gas mask down on her face and activated a sleeping gas machine. The last thing Freya saw was Necromaster approaching her with a sharp knife..... Then all was blackness. "Woah!" everyone exclaimed as they walked into Gizamaluke's Grotto. There were baby moogles everywhere! "I guess these little fellas drove the monsters out," Zidane said as he looked around. He could see no lamias, skeletons or hornets anywhere.... Just moogles. The parent moogles appeared. "Oh, hello, kupo! Who might you be, kupo?" "Uh....." Lou started. "Don't you remember? I was the one who gave you all the Kupo Nuts, and.... Oh, yeah. I forgot that masked guy pulled a reverse-Pinocchio on me," Zidane said, looking down at his Rootor body. "Kupo Nuts?...." Marc asked. "Moogle Viagra," Eiko explained. "Where can I buy some?" Marc asked. Saria jabbed him in the ribs. Hard. "We're just passing through to Burmeyra, fellas," Vivi explained. "Oh, of course!" the moogles said. "Go right ahead!" "....That was very disturbing," Lou said, wiping the sweat off his brow as they left the grotto. "I've never seen so many.... cute things in one place." "Yeah," Eiko said, her eyes quite wide. "Even I'm disturbed." "Burmeyra should be just across these plains," Vivi explained. "Burmeyra have delicious food?" Quina asked. "Uh..." Saria started. "Shouldn't Marc and Lou have disguises or something? The Burmeyrans may not like mutants." "Puh-LEASE," Marc said, waving his hand. "I grew up in Burmecia, remember? I wasn't tossed out or anything. They accept weirdos." "I am NOT a weirdo!" Lou barked angrily. "Geez, sorry," Marc said, backing up. "Didn't realize you were so sensitive, kid." "............" Lou said, retreating to his calm, quiet and secretive stance. "Come on, let's go," Zidane said. "Well, we'll have to disguise HIM, though," Marc said, pointing at Zidane. "They don't like Rootors." The party ended up disguising Zidane by hiding him in Saria's robes and having Saria pretend to be pregnant. "This is the most demeaning act I've had to pull off," Saria mumbled. "It's not a bed of roses for me either," Zidane grumbled from inside the robe. "Whew! Do you ever bathe?!" The party entered the bustling town of Burmeyra. Since it had been constructed, it had become a bustling merchant town like Lindblum, except that it was populated by mice instead of humans. "Swell-looking town, isn't it?" Marc asked. "I guess," Lou said, looking at the many inhabitants. "Well, I'm off to find the bar," Marc said. "I'll catch you guys at the inn later." "There he goes again," Saria sighed. "Always to the bar," Eiko huffed. "That's his answer to everything." "OK, this is just weird," Lou said as he looked around. "It's raining here, and there's a sandstorm over there." "Burmeyra was built on a dividing line," Zidane explained. "It always rains in the eastern part, and the western part is surrounded by a sandstorm." "....Creepy," Lou said, putting his arm through the sandy gusts. "I go find good restaurant!" Quina said, hopping down the street. "Maybe there a Pizza Hut in this town! Yummy yummy!" "I have to find out where the Burmecia library is," Vivi said, walking towards the big library in the center of town. "You sure you'll be OK, Vivi?" Zidane asked out of Saria's robe. "Whoo," Saria huffed. "I've gotta lie down somewhere... Bein' pregnant isn't a bed of roses." "Just don't overact," Eiko said. "Let's just go to the inn and rest," Lou said. "I hear they have the Cartoon Network." "Hmmm," Vivi said to himself as he poured over a mountain of reference books. "The library's address has to be in here somewhere..." Suddenly, he heard a shriek. He whipped around to see a young girl with long, braided, brown hair holding a glowing, purple knife at the librarian's neck. "OK, sweetheart," she said, tightening her hold on the librarian. "I want all the money in this joint, right now!" "Excuse me," Vivi said, walking over to the desk. "What's wrong?" "Nothin's wrong," the girl said, "unless I don't get the cash!" "Now, now, I'm sure we can talk this out-" Vivi started. The girl held out her hand and a dozen glowing, purple darts shot out and almost hit Vivi. "Back off, mage man," she snarled. "No one tells Aeris Tolansky what to do... Not anymore!" "You're obviously disturbed," Vivi said, trying to calm her down. "I'm sure that is we just talk about this-" "God, don't you ever take a hint?!" Aeris snapped, making a glowing, purple fan appear and blowing Vivi into the far wall. The librarian quickly emptied the cash register and handed the money to Aeris. "Took ya long enough," Aeris grumbled, kicking the librarian in the face and running out the door. "Don't worry, Saria," Lou said as he looked around. "I'm sure your baby is going to be a nice, healthy-" He stopped as Aeris crashed into him. "Aaarrrrgh! Get off me, I'm not even 21 yet!" Lou shouted, pushing the load off his chest. "You're lucky I'm in a hurry, punk," Aeris barked. She grabbed her sack and ran out of town. As she was crossing the plains, a man materialized in front of her. "Out of my way!" she demanded, throwing some glowing, purple ninja stars. The man snapped his fingers, and a dragon appeared out of nowhere and blocked the stars. It also reached out and grabbed her sack of money. "Hey, give that back!" Aeris demanded. "I'll give you 10 times as much as what's in that sack if you'll work for me," the man said. "Here's my proposition..." "Who was that chick?!" Zidane asked as he slid out from under Saria's robe. "Argh," a merchant said. "Those orphan mutants are always causing trouble around here." "You know her?" Lou asked. "Her name's Aeris Tolansky. She lives up at the Burmeyra Orphanage. She's a feisty little snit, that's for sure." "Do the cops catch her usually?" Eiko asked. "Yeah, she usually comes back in a squad car and ends up at juvie hall for a few days. Poor kid. You almost feel sorry for her... Almost." "Hey, I think she's coming back," Saria said, looking out through the rain at the figure coming in their direction. A swarm of purple, glowing boomerangs flew out at the party. "That's a given," Lou said as he dodged the flying abominations. Aeris reamerged, generating a staff from her hands. "What's wrong, Miss Tolansky?" Eiko asked. "The name's Miz Matter, kid," Miz Matter said. "I use my mutant powers to generate any weapon avaliable! Get ready!" She created several knives and started chucking them at the party. "Aaahhhh!!!" Lou shouted as he danced. "What're you fighting us for?!" "My new boss wants you dead," Miz Matter said, not letting up on the knives. "...On account of what you did in Conde Petie!" "You mean with Quaker?...." Lou asked. ".....Quaker and this chick must work for the same person," Saria exclaimed. "Man, this bouncing gets irritating. MUDDLE!" A bright ray of light came out of the sky and into Miz Matter's eyes. "Hey, what the hell's goin' on?!" she yelled, running around and banging into things. "Let me help," Lou said. "Confusion Ray!" A blue beam of light emanated from Lou's forehead and zapped Miz Matter right off her feet. Lou followed up with a Fira spell, which left her toasted. "OK, that's it! Don't think this is the end, kid!" Miz Matter shouted, running off into the rainy distance. "I'm beginning to take this a bit personally," Eiko huffed. "Who keeps sending these problem-child mutants after us?" "Hey guys," Marc said as he reappeared from the local bar. "Anything interesting happen while I was gone?" "....Not really," Zidane muttered. "Hey guys!" Vivi's voice called out. "Check it out!" Everyone ran to where Vivi was. He was watching Quina attempt to swallow a Big Mouth Billy Bass wallpiece. "I keep telling him that it's fake, but s/he won't listen," the shopkeeper said. "Quina, what're you doing?!" Zidane asked. "Zidane!" Quina said. "This town have interesting food. It taste just like plastic! You try?" "Er....." everyone said. "...I found out where the Burmecia library is," Vivi said. "Come on. We'll leave for Burmecia tomorrow morning." "I'm glad that the queen is safe, but...." Beatrix told Steiner at the dinner table. "What's wrong?" Steiner asked. "There's something that's just not right," Beatrix said. "When was the last time that Queen Garnet looked at herself in the mirror so much?" "Now that you mention it, it IS peculiar..." Steiner said, gnawing on a chicken wing. "Also, sometimes I hear a man's voice inside the queen's chambers, but when I go in to check on her, she's the only one there..." "Something weird's going on," Beatrix concluded. "I wonder where that Zidane kid is? He's the one that she likes. Maybe he could figure out what's wrong." "That rapscallion?" Steiner asked, frowning. "....But you're right. I seem to recall hearing that he was travelling near Conde Petie last... Why don't we send some scouts to look for him?" "I'll call some of my best troops right away," Beatrix said, pulling out a cell phone. "Amazing how we made that technology jump ever since the Mist lifted..." Steiner said, leaning back in his chair. Meanwhile, in Dagger's room, someone else was lurking. "Hmmmm," Dagger said in a man's voice as she looked at her mirror. "It appears I've managed to possess quite the looker.... And a queen, too! This'll be perfect for when I go to find my rival. A beloved hostage that'll never leave my side! Of course, who says I can't have a little fun while I'm in this body?" Dagger threw herself onto her silky bed and started to go into love-making positions.... without a partner. "That last scene had no right being in this story!" screamed the whiny network censor. "If we're to attract a quality audience, we can't allow this perverted schmuck in this writing!" Suddenly, a 10-ton safe fell from above and squashed the network censor flat. "Thank God," Cloud said as he stood in the rafters, leaning on the lever he had just pulled. "I'm glad we didn't have to deal with that kind of crap in MY story." "Well, here's Burmecia," Marc said as the party entered the ruined city. "Kingdom of Perpetual Rain." "Does that mean that it won't stop raining?" Eiko asked. "Pretty much," Marc said, shrugging. "Man, it's good to be home." The rain spattered down upon the seven travelers. "I like rain," Lou said, looking upwards. "It's a reminder that the sun isn't the only thing that controls the weather." "The library should be to the right of the market square," Vivi said as he looked over a computer-printed map of the town. "...Hope there aren't any Black Mages this time," Zidane muttered. "Relax," Marc said. "Burmecia is a ghost town. There's no one here... Hell, I doubt that even ghosts would want to stick around here." "Let's get moving," Saria suggested. "Maybe there yummy food here?" Quina asked. "Burmecia's been deserted for years," Zidane said. "If there is any food, it's probably spoiled rotten." "Deserted?" Quina asked. "I like deserts! Yummy yummy!" "I give up," Zidane muttered, shaking his wooden head. They walked through the rain-spattered town. "There's where I lived," Marc said, pointing towards a dilapidated house. "There's the playground I played at, and there's the pharmacy where I first used my fake ID..." "Wonderful," Saria muttered. "Lou, it's so wet here! I'm soaked! Do you see anywhere I can sit down?" "Sorry I can't stop the weather for you, Saria," Lou said. "Why don't you go sit on one of the swings?" "But they're wet," Saria protested. "So are you," Zidane pointed out. "OK, fine," Saria grumbled. "...But if I get a wet wedgie, someone'd better tell be!" Saria walked over and sat down in a swing. A loud SQUELCH was heard. "Nice work, Saria," Vivi said. "The library's just beyond this playground." Everyone turned to look. The library stood like a cathedral in the center of town. Its mouse-headed lion statues and its giant book-shaped doors really set a creepy mood. "Brrr," Eiko shivered. "Either this place is creepy, or I'm cathing a cold.... (Sniff)... Or both." The seven entered the library and looked around. It was dry in the library, and there were torches lit. "How could that be?" Saria asked. "The city's deserted, right?" "Someone must be here," Marc said, his pointy ears sticking straight up. "What's he doing?" asked Zidane. "He's listening for movement," Lou suggested. "....There's someone in the 'folk lore' section," Marc said, his ears perking up even higher. "...And that someone has a hot voice!..." "Oh, great," Vivi muttered. "That's exactly where we have to go." "We'll have to sneak up," Zidane said quietly. "Let's split into 2 groups. Quina, Vivi and Eiko, you come with me. Lou, you take the others." Lou's group snuck through the 'fiction' section. They didn't notice that books were floating around behind them. "What this?" Quina asked, looking at some goo on some note cards. "Maybe I eat?" "...Ectoplasmic residue," Vivi said. "I believe we're walking into a big 'Ghostbusters' gag." "Look at this..." Saria said, looking at a big pile of books. "No human being would stack books like this." "Enough with the quotes!" Marc said. "That network censor could come back." Suddenly, both groups came to the same row and saw a floating, pink woman. "Should we get her?" Eiko asked. "Not unless you want to pee your pants, kiddo," Marc said. "I've seen this movie. Skip it." They moved on towards the 'folk lore' section. "Shhh!" Lou said. "I can hear it now." It was a girl's voice, obviously. It spoke in a monotone, chanting pattern. It got loud, then quiet, then loud again. "She's speaking out a Summon spell!" Eiko hissed. "Of course, without the right jewels, it's useless..." The person must've heard them, because she walked around the shelf and pulled out a gun. "OK, you jokers, get out here where I can see you!" she yelled. "Ulp...." Vivi gulped. "%$##!!" Marc hissed. "Well, now what?" Lou asked. "Go to a commercial," Zidane suggested. "That always helps." A commercial occurred. It didn't help. "OK, who are you?" the girl asked. "Please don't shoot!" Lou said, standing up with his hands up. "We're just here to find a piece of music." "Yeah, we aren't gonna hurt anything!" Eiko said. "What she said," Saria added. "....Sorry," the girl said. "I've been on edge because I've been hearing odd noises in here for hours. My name's Sara Noid, and I'm a professor of logic and folk dance here at the Library of Burmecia." "You're a professor?" Vivi asked. ".....You look pretty young for a professor." "I combine my skills of deduction and my knowledge of folk dances to create wonderful dances," Sara said, twirling around. "You dance nice," Zidane interrupted, "but we're looking for the Song of the Ancients. Is it around here?" "Yeah," Sara said. "I know this library like the back of my hand. Come on, I'll take you guys there." She walked down a long corridor that branched off into many sections. "No one comes here anymore, now that Burmecia's deserted," Sara lamented. "And yet, the Burmeyran government continues to fund it. Logic would dictate that Burmecia be rebuilt, or that the libary be closed down. Either choice would affect the library immensely." "Man, you talk real smart for a cute girl," Marc said. "Are you inferring that cute girls are stupid?!" Sara snapped. "What? No, uh, I mean-" Marc started. Sara gave him a swift kick in the nards. "I take it you're a feminist?" Saria suggested. "No, I just don't like illogical arguments," Sara said. "If I could find a guy that could live with my logic and bad temper, it'd be a dream come true..." "Hmmm," Marc thought. "This one'll be a challenge." "Anyway," Sara continued. "The music section is right here, and- OH!!!" She stopped in mid-sentence, and ducked behind a bookshelf. "What's wrong, Sara?" Lou asked. "There's someone there!" Sara hissed. Lou, Marc, Zidane and Eiko peered around the corner. It was Jungle Masker. He was hastily knocking books and sheet music all over. He seemed to be looking for something. "Jungle Masker..." Zidane growled. "Is he the guy who made you a Rootor?" Lou asked. "Who's there?!" Jungle Masker called. Since there was no answer, Jungle Masker hovered around to see. "AH! So, you followed me all the way here, Rootor-boy? I'm impressed... NOT! Well, I gotta go! See ya later, alligator!" "He's taking off with my daggers again!" Zidane angrily shouted. "...And he's got the Song of the Ancients... And the Requiem of Rebirth!" Sara shouted, pointing at the music sheet danging from Jungle Masker's left hand. "That dirty-" Lou growled, chasing after him. The other seven followed very close behind. "Is food in here?" Quina asked Sara. "No," Sara said. "Awww," Quina sulked. They followed Jungle Masker outside and into the rain. He hovered over them. "Ha! You chumps'll go anywhere, won't you? Fine. Let me show you some of my power!" "Give me back my daggers!" Zidane yelled, firing acid at Jungle Masker, who dodged the blobs easily. "You wanna fight, woody?" Jungle Masker asked. "Come and get me! Ha ha ha..." "That voice... I know I've heard it before..." Marc said to himself. Zidane hopped about, trying to gain some air with his little Rootor feet, but it wasn't any use. He lashed out with his Rootor tongue, but it only tickled Jungle Masker's heel. "Enough! Firaga!" Jungle Masker shouted, setting Zidane ablaze. "Zidane!!!" Eiko cried. "....TRANCE!!!...." Zidane shouted, the buds on his head and tail blossoming into tropical flowers. "Now you're in for it, Jungle Masker! Sharp Spores!" Zidane wiggled around, launching multi-colored pollen into the air surrounding Jungle Masker. Jungle Masker sneezed. Once. The Song of the Ancients drifted from his pocket, but no one noticed but Eiko. "Fool! You just gave you life away! FATAL GRASP!" Jungle Masker shouted, grabbing Zidane by the throat and hurling him over his shoulder. He landed in a puddle and didn't move again. "Hold on, Zidane..." Eiko said, taking out her flute and playing the song written on the paper: AFADAD. "That won't help you!" Jungle Masker laughed. "Now, take this! ULTIMA!!!" Jungle Masker made a gigantic blast of non-elemental damage engulf the party. Everyone was knocked flat. "Woah, that guy really takes it out of you..." Lou gasped. "I can't move..." Saria moaned. "Damn, he's strong!" Marc cursed. ".....Someone help us..." Vivi groaned. "..This worse than stomach cramps," Quina muttered as s/he lay on the ground. "I just meet you guys, and I'm already dead meat..." Sara moaned. "Now, I'll send you all into the void!" Jungle Masker said, preparing to cast his X-Zone spell. Suddenly, he heard someone behind him. "Forget about me already?" the voice said. Jungle Masker whipped around and saw Zidane, cured and in Trance Mode. "Now give me back my daggers! GRAND LETHAL!!!" Zidane blasted Jungle Masker with a series of light waves and numbers. The daggers dropped out of his hands, and he vanished in a ray of light. "THAT'S Zidane?!" Saria asked. "Whoo! Now I know why Queen Garnet digs him!" "Thanks, Zidane," Lou said, standing up. "This rocks! I'm me again!" Zidane said, flexing and somersaulting. "Looks like I played the song just in time," Eiko said. "...Hey, what's this?" In the puddle where Rootor Zidane had fallen, there lay a ceramic mask of Rootor Zidane's face. "What's this?!" Zidane asked as he picked it up. "Is it food? I hungry!" Quina said. "Wow! That's a Mystic Mask!" Sara said. "There aren't many of those around. You get them by playing the Song of the Ancients to troubled spirits and the like. The spirit becomes a mask, and when someone wears that mask..." Sara put the mask on and became a Rootor. "You become the spirit that is sealed inside the mask," she explained. "To get out of it, just take the mask off." She grabbed the back of her neck and pulled. She became herself again and gave the mask to Zidane. "That's yours. Keep it. It may come in handy again." "Now I can become another person..." Zidane said as he tucked the mask away. "Wonder what Dagger'll think?" "You know, we could go to Alexandria and see Dagger," Vivi suggested. "Yeah," Marc said. "We can get there from Lindblum. Also, the Festival of the Hunt is going to begin in a few days, and I'd like to try to compete." "I'm going to try too," Zidane said. "I won last year, so it should be a snap to win this year!" "I'll compete too," Vivi said. "It's fun, really." "Aw, what the hey?" Lou said. "I'll try too. It could be fun." "OK then," Eiko said. "Let's go to Lindblum! I'm sure that Papa Cid will let us use the Hilda Garde 3 to get to Alexandria." "'Papa?'" Lou asked. "Don't get worked up," Eiko said. "It's an adoptive title." "....I'll come with you," Sara said. "You will? Uh, I mean, you will?" Marc asked, trying to sound cool. "There's whole other libraries out there for me to discover, plus I have to get that Requiem of Rebirth back from that man before he uses its powers!" "....What can it do?" Lou asked. "Can it make food? I want food!" Quina said, his/her tongue shooting all over. "Upon hearing the song, dead bodies will spring up alive and stronger the ever!" Sara explained. "When that happens, they'll do whatever the songplayer tells them to do!" "That isn't good," Lou said. "Let's go find the little imp!" ".....I'm SURE I've heard his voice somewhere before," Marc said, thinking to himself. The group left rainy Burmecia and headed back towards Lindblum. SURVEY!!! Who do YOU think should win the Festival of the Hunt? A) Zidane B) Lou C) Marc D) Vivi JUST CHECK ONE OR TELL THE WRITER!!! The group traveled through Gizamaluke's Grotto once again (there were twice as many Moogles this time) and continued past Qu's Marsh towards Lindblum's Dragon Gate. "What a nice day for walking," Saria said. "No clouds and it's warm enough to be comfortable." "Just give me rain anytime," Lou said. "It's cool and comforting, plus it gives me an excuse to stay inside and watch TV." "Typical male slob," Sara sniffed. "I don't criticize YOUR hobbies, do I?" Lou snapped. "Oh, shut up, you two," Zidane said. "There'll be plenty of time for bickering when we get to Lindblum." Suddenly, a trememdous gust of wind blew past the group, knocking everyone down. "What the heck was that?!" Eiko asked, getting up. She saw a big cloud of dust being kicked up by something moving away from them. Suddenly, it stopped and started coming back. "Heads up!" Marc said, readying his spiked knuckle. "Could be another bad mutant out to kick our butts." The object stopped right in front of them, raising a giant dust cloud. When the dust cleared, the party saw a teenage boy clad in overalls and a plaid shirt. "Oh, sorry, y'all. Ah didn't see y'all there," he said, drawling heavily. "Name's Arc, but y'all kin call me 'Quicksilver,' 'cuz I'm the fastest hick 'round these parts! YEEEEHAAAWWWWW!!!!" Arc started running in circles around the group, and in a few minutes, he'd created a deep trench. "Wow, you fast," Quina said. "You cook fast? I hungry!" "Ah lives in a farm 'bout a keelometer from heah. C'mon, I'll take y'all there for supper!" Arc said, running off towards the east. "Weird," Eiko said. "It could be a trap," Lou suggested. "Who cares?" Zidane asked. "I'm starving over here!" The party followed Arc's dust trail to his ramshackle farm house. "Mah pappy lives heah," Arc explained, "an' mah pappy's pappy, an' his pappy's pappy. Sorry 'bout the smell." They walked in and saw a band of hillbillies, all wearing straw hats and holding guns. "ARC!" one woman said. "What'd ya bring home fer dinner?" "Ah brought some new friends, maw!" Arc said, motioning towards the eight who stood outside. "They ain't Sheperdsons or Grangerfords, are they, Arc?" an old guy said. "If they are, Ah blow their heads off!" "Oh, great," Sara muttered. "This family's in the middle of a feud." "Lordy lordy," the mother said. "How'd y'all know 'bout the fee-ood? ARC! Git our guests some chairs!" "Yes, maw," Arc said, and whizzed out the door and came back with eight freshly-cut wooden chairs. "Ah's a good axer," Arc explained. "Well, we're glad to meet you," Vivi explained. "...What's for dinner? Smells good." "Well, you're in for a feast tonight," the grandma said. "STUFFED GOPHER! YEEEEEEHAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!" "G-g-gopher?..." Eiko whimpered. "You mean those cute, fuzzy groundhog-like things?..." "Oh, they ain't cute n' fuzzy once we fry 'em up, youngun," another man said. "Say, look what I jist caught! Let's cook this here mouse dropping I found in mah pocket!" "I hope they don't like Rootors," Zidane gulped, patting the mask in his pack. "ARC! Time to eat!" the mother shouted. The group sat down on the chairs and were each handed a napkin and a boiled, steaming gopher corpse. The hillbillies started chewing away and noisily gulping down the rodent. "...They left the heads on," Eiko said, her face getting very green. "Hmmm," Quina said, chewing on the gopher. "Not bad. Real good!" "Actually, s/he's right," Zidane said, chomping on the animal. "Tastes like chicken." "So Arc, what do you guys do here?" Lou asked. "Well, we'se do a lot, y'all," Arc said, stopping to talk. "Mostly we jist sit here, tillin' the land and shootin' squirrels, gopher and moose, but we also have a triple fee-ood goin' on 'ginst those stinkin' Grangerfords an' Sheperdsons. They march on up heah and step on all our hard-made moss an' they throw crap in our septic tanks! Now we just shoot 'em when we have the chance." "One o' these days, I might try cookin' me a Grangerford!" the mom said, biting the gopher's head off and sucking out the insides. "Uhhhhh," Saria moaned, her face getting green as well. "Ah's been blessed with super-speed," Arc said, pointing at his feet. "Ah kin sneak up behind a Grangerford or Sheperdson faster n' that an' jab him up with mah pitchfork! Ah bagged me 37 fee-ooders yisterday alone." "This is disgusting," Sara grumbled. "'Course, Ah've always wanted t'go out inta the world an' make sumthin' of mahself," Arc continued. "Ah bet I kin beat jist 'bout anything with these feet o' mine!" "ARC!" the mom yelled. "You can't go, son. We'se got lotse fee-oodin' ta get done! YEEEEHAAAWWWW!!!!" "But maw," Arc protested. "You kin keep fee-oodin' while Ah'm not heah! All ya gotsta do is blow they heads off!" ".....The boy's raght, hon," the father said. "Besahdes, with Arc gone, it means you kin cook more fee-ooders and we all eat more! Arc's a bottomless pit, y'all!" "In that case, he can have my gopher," Eiko said, tossing the critter to Arc. "I'm not hungry." "Oh boy! You're a sweet kid," Arc said, chewing the gopher to bare bones in ten seconds flat. "So you don't mind if Arc comes with us?" Lou asked. "Not at all!" the mom said. "Ah think that if he goes out fer a while, he'll find that fee-oodin's all that's worthwhile an' come back heah in no time with those fast lil' feet o' his!" "Ah'll come back soon, maw!" Arc said, grabbing his pitchfork and running out the door. "YEEEEEHAAAWWWWW!!!!!" "I get the feeling that Arc's an optional character," Zidane muttered. "Well, the narrator made us get him, so he must be mandatory," Sara concluded. "Wait up, Arc! You don't even know where we're headed!" Saria called. Arc came zipping back. "Sorry, ma'am," Arc said. "Ah gets overexcited a lot." "Your mom great cook!" Quina said. "Could Arc mom teach me cook gopher?" "Whah sure, child," the mom said. "First, ya gotta whack it niiice an' tender..." "This'll take until morning," Marc groaned. "I hope there isn't a visual demonstration," Eiko muttered, her face becoming green again. The next morning, the nine comrades struck out for Lindblum. They didn't have too far to go. "Please hurry, your majesty!" Beatrix called. "We'll be late for the festival!" "I'm coming," Dagger called. Inside her, two entities were battling it out. "Why does your body's pulse race when you think of the festival?" Tritoch asked, belting Dagger's consciousness in the stomach. "Zidane might be there!" Dagger shouted back, kicking Tritoch's head. "I want to see him, and I can't let you ruin this for me! Get out of my head!" "Arrrgh! Your powers as an Eidolon Summoner make you strong," Tritoch said, powering up his strongest attack. "But not strong enough!" One blow sent Dagger's consciousness spinning into the far depths of her kind, and sent Dagger (the real one) to the floor. When she got up, her eyes glowed red for a moment, and became normal again. "Perhaps my rival will be there, too," Dagger said in Tritoch's voice again. "He always did have a taste for violence..." "Your majesty, please hurry!" Steiner yelled. "I'll be right there!" Dagger called in her own voice, but it was now Tritoch who controlled both body and voice. "Ahhh, the smell of burning trash," Lou said as he looked around Linblum's streets. "Welcome home, Lou." "How is it to live around here anyway?" Saria asked, looking at the numerous smokestacks spewing black smoke into the air. "Not healthy or pleasant," Lou replied, walking towards where his house was. "Going to see your folks?" Eiko asked. "Just my stepfather, Reginald," Lou said. "I just remembered that my mom died a few years back..." "Oh," Eiko said, clamming up. "Sorry." "He seems to treat me OK," Lou said. "By the way, did you know I could read people's minds?" "Really?!" everyone gasped. "Stay outta my head!" Marc said angrily. "My mind isn't suitable for readers under age 18." "Sheesh, sorry," Lou said. "Can you tell what I'm thinking about right now?" Saria asked. "Hmmm...." Lou said, frowning. "'In a minute I'm going to rob that bank...' Oh, sorry, I must have picked up thoughts from that guy over there." "Well, let's go see Lou's stepdad," Vivi suggested. They walked off just as the man threw a brick through the bank's window and jumped in. "Hello," Lou called as he walked into the big, white mansion. "I'm home!" "THIS is where you live?!" Zidane asked. "Why're you dressed like a hippie, then?" "I'm lazy," Lou answered. Lou's stepfather came down the stairs. He looked nothing like Lou at all. His hair was combed and slicked back, and he wore a fancy suit. "So, you came back," he said. "It's been a while, hasn't it, dad?" Lou asked. "Yes, of course," Reginald said. "Who's with you?" "These are some friends of mine," Lou said, motioning towards his eight companions. "Of course," Reginald said, frowning slightly. "(Do I detect a note of snobbery?)" Marc whispered to Sara. "And why did you come back to see me?" Reginald asked Lou. "Was the school to difficult for you, or were you just thrown into juvie hall too many times?" "What?!" Lou asked. What are you talking about?!" "Don't talk to me like that, you little whelp!" Reginald said, slapping Lou's face. "Hey!" Eiko cried. "Aren't you supposed to be his father?!" "STEPfather," Reginald snapped. "And now that his mom's gone, I don't have to be burdened by this garbage anymore. Now get out!" All of Lou's friends quietly exited the room. "What's happened to you, dad?" Lou asked. "How dare you call me that!" Reginald shouted, slapping Lou again. "You're of no relation to me. You're a bum in my household. Now beat it!" Lou walked out of the house, in the lowest spirit one can have. There was a long, unnerving pause. "That wasn't very nice," Eiko summarized. "I don't understand it," Lou said. "He's never been that mean to me before... He's always been nice to me since mom died..." "Yo, Lou!" a voice behind them called. They turned around to see a muscular 21 year-old boy come up behind them. "Who's that?" Saria asked. "That's my stepbrother, Kain," Lou said. "What's happening, Kain?" "So, you're back in town," Kain said. "Gonna participate in the Hunting Festival?" "Actually, yes," Lou said. "What, you gonna start that 'mutant' crap for me again?" "Actually, I wanted to talk to you 'bout dad," Kain said. "C'mon, we'll go to the bar. Drinks are on me." The troupe went to the local bar and sat down. "You might think that dad's changed, but the truth is that he's acted like that all along," Kain started. "What?" Lou asked. "But he was so nice to me..." "Look, Lou, your mom was rich, right?" Kain asked. "...And your mom wasn't that good-looking, if I don't say so myself." "...What's that have to do with... Oh," Lou said, lowering his head. "You want the whole story? Go ahead and probe my head with your mutant powers," Kain said, removing his cowboy hat. "How did you know?" Lou asked, looking quite surprised. Kain held up a paper with the headline NAVI CITY MUTANT UPRISING. "It's all over the papers," Kain said. "Don't worry; most people here don't really care." "You're OK with this?" Lou asked. "Wait, isn't this the no-good stepbrother who drove Kira away?" Saria asked, recalling their conversation in Fossil Roo. "I've reformed," Kain said. "Now that you really ARE a mutant, I decided to quit joking." "(Sigh) OK, I'll try," Lou said, putting his hand on Kain's forehead. All went black between the two... Lou saw the farmland just outside Lindblum where he and Kain had ridden Chocobos. "I'm so excited, Kain!" Lou said happily. "I've never had a brother before." Kain shoved Lou into the mud. "Lissen, Richie Rich," Kain growled. "I'm your STEPBROTHER, and that means I'm going to STEP all over you as often as I can!" "Kain!" Reginald called. "Let Lou go! Lou, go inside and get ready for dinner. I need to talk with Kain." "I remember this," Lou's mind said aloud. "Yeah, but here's the part you DIDN'T see," Kain's voice echoed. Reginald grabbed Kain by the collar and shook him. "What're you trying to do, you punk? You have to be nice to that snot Lou or we'll be out of the Runic's family fortune!" "But, dad-" young Kain sniffled. "You'll ruin all my plans," Reginald snorted. "I'll have to do something about you..." The scene shifted to five years later, where Lou and Kain were once again riding Chocobos. "Why didn't you visit us when you had time off from boarding school?" Lou asked. "I didn't want to," Kain answered. "Problem was," Kain's voice said, "I DID want to. Dad wouldn't let me. He said I'd 'mess up his plans...'" "What's wrong, Kain?" Lou asked. "You wouldn't understand," Kain snorted. "Just leave me alone, you stupid mutant." "Kain, I'm not-" Lou started. "Mutant! Mutant!" young Kain shouted, running off and pointing. "Yeah," Kain's voice said. "I was so mad that dad would do something this low, I guess I took it out on you... I made sure everyone hated you, even Kira..." The scene shifted to black, with just Lou and Kira highlighted. Kira turned around and slowly walked away. Lou buried his face in his hands and sunk to the floor. Lou broke the mind probing. "Man..." Lou said, sighing heavily. "Lou..." Saria said. "It was so long ago, but it hurt so much..." Lou said, shaking his head. "I promised myself to never let a girl share my life with me again... I didn't want anyone to be ashamed that they had a mutant as a lover." "(I wouldn't be ashamed,)" Eiko whispered to Vivi. "Reginald's a monster," Kain said, "and what's worse is that your mom really loved him. He just wanted the money." "..." Lou said. "This is awful," Marc said. "It's worse than what happened... to me..." He turned around and said nothing more. "Anyway," Kain continued. "Since you mom's gone and you're not his responsibility, Reginald took the whole fortune (even the money willed to you) and holed himself up in his mansion. He rarely even speaks to me anymore either..." "Greed destroys everything," Lou growled. "And as far as I'm concerned now, he's not even my stepfather!" "Lou..." Vivi said. "He wants the money? Fine, he can have it. He never wants to see me again? Fine. He'll get his comeuppance in the end. It may be tomorrow, it may be a hundred years from now, but he will be punished. Not by me, probably, but something will punish him for his greed and cruelty," Lou said, his fist crushing together. "So what you going do?" Quina asked. "Nothing," Lou said. "That's the best thing I can do... Nothing. Justice will serve itself." "I hope you're right," Zidane said. "If I was in your position, I'd kick his scrawny ass!" "That's very brave," Saria said. "Not many people could just walk away from something like this." "...Le's jis' go to the Huntin' Fest-ee-val," Arc said, trying to lighten the mood. "I'm fixin' to bust some monster haids!" Suddenly, three men entered the bar and plopped down at the table next to the party. "Well, I'll be," Zidane said. "Heh?" one of them said. "Hey, it's Zidane!" "It's Tantalus!" Zidane said. "Baku, Marcus and Cinna!" "Yo, Zidane!" Cinna said, shaking Zidane's hand vigorously. "We haven't seen you in a while, not since you left on that bird of yours." "Yeah," Marcus said. "And Blank hasn't come back yet either." "Blank hasn't returned?" Zidane asked. "But he's been gone over two months!" "Weird, ain't it?" Baku said. "Wonder if he got petrified again?..." "Tantalus..." Marc growled. "Wha?" Baku asked. "Hey, look! I didn't know you were truckin' around with this loser, Zidane." "Loser?" Zidane asked. "Don't call ME a loser, you pig-faced old windbag!" Marc snapped. "What's happening here?" Saria asked. "Marc was a member of Tantalus for some years, but he quit before we took the job to kidnap Dagger," Zidane explained. "Marc said he didn't believe in kidnapping, and he quit." "I joined Tantalus to act," Marc said. "Not to kidnap royalty!" "Something tells me you guys are going to not need us for a while," Lou said as Kain and he got up. "We're going to go sightsee." "OK, see you later," Eiko said. Lou and Kain left the bar while Baku, Marc and Zidane shouted amongst themselves. "Well, the festival will begin in just a few minutes," a person on the loudspeaker said. "Get ready to see the hunters scramble to defeat the crazy monsters!" "Stuffed gopher!" Quina shouted, making her way through the stands with a giant tub of dead, steaming rodents. "Get stuffed gopher here! Only 3 Gil!" "I'm so excited," Dagger said as she sat down in her seat. Unknown to all, Tritoch used Dagger's body to look around for his rival. "The cad," Tritoch said. "I'm sure he's in the body of one of those hunters..." "Get out of my body and leave me alone!" Dagger's subconsciousness shouted. "Why?" Tritoch said. "I'm having so much fun. Bug off, sister." "Your majesty," Steiner said as Beatrix and he saluted. "Permission to join the festival?" "Knock yourself out," Dagger said, waving her hand. "I tell you, there's something wrong with the queen, Steiner," Beatrix said as they went to the registration booth. "Maybe this competition will jolt her back to normal," Steiner said. "Hey, Dagger!" Eiko said as Saria, Sara and she came into the stands. "Mind if we watch with you?" "How dare you," Tritoch (who spoke through Dagger) growled. "You will address me as 'your majesty' from now on. Got it, snot?" "...?!" Eiko said. She motioned to the others to sit down at a distance. "Something's up," Eiko said, frowning to herself. But neither Tritoch or Eiko noticed the figure hidden in the shadows, watching over the whole event. "Well then," Regent Cid said as he addressed the hunters. "What will your prizes be, should you win?" "Cash all the way!" Zidane said. "I'll take a Card," Vivi piped up. "A free meal at Burger King," Lou said. "I'll take money too," Marc said. "I'd like my armor rustproofed," Steiner said. "Can I get a full body massage?" Beatrix asked. "Hey, we haven't seen you guys in a while," Zidane said. "I'm fixin' to be 'lowed ta take all the monster carcasses n' cook 'em! YEEEEHAAAAWWWWW!!!!" Arc said happily. "Uh, yeah," Cid said, crossing his eyes. "Hey, you haven't said what you wanted, mister... Toahs, is it?" He was talking to a gaunt, 30 year-old man with numerous battle scars. He carried a large axe. "With any luck, I will win the tournament and draw out my reward," he growled. "OK then," Cid said. Let the hunt begin! With a loud battle cry, the eight hunters poured out into the streets of Lindblum and began finding and defeating the monsters. Lou took out three Mus right away. Arc impaled a Fang on his pitchfork. The mysterious hunter diced up a Trick Sparrow right away. "This one's mine!" Marc said as he approached the Zaghnol. "In your dreams, fuzzball!" Zidane said as he swooped down and dug his daggers into the beast and killed it. "Need any help, Steiner?" Vivi asked. "Master Vivi," Steiner said, "this is a competition. You're not supposed to help each other." "Hyah! Hyah!" Beatrix war-whooped as she knocked down monster after monster. "So, you're General Beatrix, huh?" Lou asked. "That's my name, kid," Beatrix said. "How'd you know?" "I come from Navi City," Lou said. "Let's just say that the magazines there... uh... speak highly of you." "Oh, that's nice," Beatrix said, stabbing a Fang that was about to bite Lou's head off. "Gopher! Get stuffed gopher!" Quina called from the stands. "I don't even know why you dragged me here, Kain," Reginald said, looking in disgust and snotty loathing at the others around him. "Oh, just have fun, dad," Kain said. "Want a gopher?" "That girl seemed real rude," Saria said to Eiko. "Yeah, I don't get it," Eiko said. "Something really weird's going- Ulp!" Eiko had caught a glimpse of Dagger's eyes glowing blood red as they searched the hunting crowd. "I feel him... He's near," she said in a man's voice. Eiko couldn't stop shaking. Finally, the hunt was over and points were tallied. "The results are as follows," Cid said, reading off a printout. Lou Runic: 96 Vivi Orniter: 78 Marc Cronstadt: 107 Arc Boneshield: 3, since he immediately stopped hunting and started cooking the monster he got. Adelbert Steiner: 84 General Beatrix: 85 Toahs Nolodie: 123 Zidane Tribal: 140 Congratulations, Zidane Tribal! You are the winner of this year's Festival of the Hunt!" "What?!" Lou yelled. "I demand a recount!" "Don't even start that," Beatrix warned. "Let's get him!" Marc said, pounding his knuckles together. "Uh, uh, uh," Zidane stammered. He put on his Rootor Mask and became a Rootor again. "You wouldn't pick on a defenseless Rootor, would you?!" he squeaked. Lou, Marc, Vivi, Steiner and Beatrix jumped on him and pounded him flat. Arc was busy eating the Fang he had speared. "Mmm, this be tastin' reeeeeal good!" Arc said. "Better'n a zebra dipped in moose juice! YEEEEEHAAAAWWWW!!!!" A doctor examined Reginald's dead body. "Hmm," he said. "It looks like he choked on a stuffed gopher. See? There's buck teeth lodged in his throat." "Uh...." Kain said, chuckling. "...Oops." "I know you're here, Tritoch!" Toahs was yelling into the crowd. "Show yourself!" Dagger's eyes glowed blood red, and she started to float above the crowd. "I knew something was up!" Eiko said. "Dagger's being posessed by the legendary Eidolon Tritoch! That guy down there is posessed by the Eidolon Shoat!" "So, Shoat," Tritoch said(through Dagger's body still), "we meet again." "One shall fall by the other's hand," Shoat said, preparing his body's axe. "It's our destiny. We can't change it.... Humph. Using the body of a beautiful woman... You're slimier than I thought, you hunched old crow." "You'll take that back when I'm through with you," Tritoch roared, a giant mixture of fire, ice and lightning pouring from Dagger's hands and chest. Shoat countered with a giant, gray laser coming from his body's axe. The crowds all panicked and ran away, leaving the party and the figure in the shadows. "Woah," Marc said. "You don't want to get THAT chick mad." "What are we going to do?" Lou asked. "If we rush in between a fight between Eidolons, we'll all get killed," Eiko said. "Oh, thanks for the optimism, Eiko," Sara huffed. "Your Majesty!" Steiner shouted. "So THAT'S why she was acting so strange..." "Hang on, Dagger!" Zidane shouted as Steiner, Beatrix and he charged towards the warring duo. Tritoch sent a giant blast of energy that knocked them all backwards. "Stay back," Dagger hissed in a deep, man's voice. "The life of this vessel means nothing to me!" "Now what?" Vivi asked. "We'll just have to watch..." Saria said. "Dagger..." Zidane whispered. The party helplessly watched as Tritoch and Shoat clashed. "You grow weak, Tritoch," Shoat said, his gray laser pushing harder than Tritoch's attack. "It's time I finished you off!" "No way, Jose," Tritoch hissed, emanating a huge pulse that threw Shoat to the ground. "I'm grounding you to dust!" Tritoch fired his strongest laser at Shoat, who was knocked from his host and brought into visible form. "He's a pig?!" Marc asked. "A boar is more like it," Eiko said. "If Tritoch defeats him, maybe we can collect him and summon him!" Sara suggested. "You've always been a fool, Shoat," Tritoch said, towering over the boar(Tritoch was still in Dagger's body). "Now pay for your ignorance! TRIPLE DESTROYER!!!" A giant ray composed of fire, ice and lightning magic shot straight into Shoat's body. There was a horrible scream, and then there was nothing left but a Geode, the stone that one can summon Shoat from. "I've got it!" Eiko said, grabbing the Geode. Suddenly, she was zapped by some lightning. She turned to see Tritoch towering over her. "Oh, so you want some of this too, huh? Fine. I'll rip you mortals apart..." "Dagger, fight it!" Vivi called. "Dagger can't hear you," Tritoch said. "Please leave a message." "You!..." Zidane growled, charging at Tritoch. He dodged the lightning and ice spells sent his way and pounced on Dagger's posessed body. He held up his daggers to deliver the final blow. ".....I can't do it!" he cried. "How nice," Tritoch laughed, frying Zidane with a fire spell. "Who's next?!" Everyone tried their luck, but Tritoch knocked them all down over and over. "You can't beat me, mortals!" Tritoch laughed. "...And if you do damage the body, it is not me who will suffer!" "Oh, no..." Beatrix said. "We lose, I guess..." Marc said. "I'd like ta be fixin' ta cook that Treetoch," Arc muttered. "Only one way out of this..." Lou said, and he closed his eyes and strained every nerve in his head. One vein started to pulse just above his left eye. "What?" Zidane asked. "He's trying to get through to Dagger telepathically!" Saria cried. Lou's mind fought hard and finally was able to enter Dagger's beaten-down mind. It appeared as a dark canyon with the wind blowing all the time. "Dagger, can you hear me?" he called. "I'm a friend of Zidane's. If you can hear me, just-" He was stopped when Tritoch, in his own form, decked Lou from behind. "Fool!" Tritoch laughed. "Nobody can stop me! Not even you..." "You seem to forget that we're fighting on mental turf," Lou said, using his psychic powers to grow larger and create a sword and shield. He slashed away at Tritoch, knocking feathers off every which way. He finally grabbed Tritoch and lifted him up. "Now I'll bind you with my psychic powers," Lou started. Tritoch started shooting fire and ice everywhere. Lou was knocked backwards. "You can't bind me! I'm in full control of this body! You can't-" Suddenly, a multitude of roots shot out of the ground and wrapped around Tritoch's lower section. "What sorcery is this?!" Tritoch roared. "Dagger's mind doesn't want you here, so she's assisting me to seal you up," Lou explained. He then psychically sealed Tritoch inside an unbreakable crystal cube. He then vanished and Lou reopened his eyes in the real world. Dagger was lying on the ground nearby. "Is she OK?" Lou asked as Zidane walked over and picked her up. "She's asleep, I think," Zidane said. "Quick, Eiko!" Lou called. "Play the Song of the Ancients and cast Tritoch out of Dagger's body!" Eiko lifted her flute to her mouth and began playing the notes: -Low Key -High key AFADADEFECD AFADADEFGFE AABflatAGEFGEAA DADFDFAAAD With a loud shriek, a bird-like creature flew out of Dagger's open mouth and soared off into the sky. "I shall settle this score later, mortals!" Tritoch roared as he flew away. "Is her majesty all right?" Steiner asked Dagger as she woke up. "What got into me?..." Dagger asked. "I don't know," Zidane said, "but there was something fascinating about how that Eidolon had you float around in your royal robes firing magical lasers." "Zidane!" Dagger cried, throwing her arms around him. "Yeah, it's OK," Zidane said, patting her on the back. "I'm here now... We're all here." Dagger got off of Zidane's knees and looked around. "Eiko, Vivi, Quina... Who're the rest of them, and where are Freya and Amarant?" "Well," Lou said. "I'm Lou. I'm the one who saved you. That's Marc, there's Saria, and that's Sara. Oh, yeah, that's Arc." "Pleased t' meetcha, yer hahniss!" Arc said, bowing oddly. "Could ah interest you in a stuffed gopher?" "Hey, that my line!" Quina said angrily. "We haven't come across Freya and Amarant yet," Zidane explained. "Well, I'm glad you're all OK," Dagger said. "Zidane, I'm staying at Lindblum castle for a few days. You and your friends are welcome to come and rest up from your trip." "Oooh," Zidane said, smiling wickedly. "I'd LOVE to." "He's sicker than me sometimes," Marc said, frowning. "I think we could all use a rest," Lou said. Everyone agreed, and they all headed towards a shuttle car. Meanwhile, the figure in the shadows moved out into daylight. It was a dark-haired girl who seemed to be made of a black, liquid substance. She pulled out a cell phone. "Yeah, Dragon Master, I've seen them fight. This isn't going to be easy." "...Not even for a valiant mutant mercernary like yourself, Oil?" the voice on the other line said. "Follow your orders. Kill them all. I'll pay you double of what we agreed on." "...No wonder I like working for you, sweet thing," Oil said sexily. "Hey, are you free for dinner tomorrow?" "...You really need to start investing in dirty magazines," the voice grumbled. "You'd be a lot more likeable if you weren't so horny." "Whatever. Party time," Oil said, her body oozing into a black puddle that oozed into the shadows and followed the shuttle car back to Lindblum Castle. "Hmmm," Lou said as he sat down on a satin couch. "This is cool." "A guy could get used to this," Marc said, flopping down on a cooshy chair. "I don't like the looks of him, Beatrix," Steiner whispered. "Why?" Beatrix asked. "He helped free the queen from that Tritoch monster." "I just can't shake the feeling that he's a ruffian," Steiner said. "Say what, Rusty?" Zidane asked. "You think Marc's a ruffian?" "Uh, I never SAID that out loud, but..." Steiner started. "Ahh, he's just jealous that he isn't as much of a stud as I am, ain't that right, Sara?" Marc asked. "Hmmph," Sara said, folding her arms and pulling out a book to hide her face. "So Zidane, where are you guys headed?" Dagger asked. "Well, we've been going here and there," Zidane said, launching into the entire story (with others adding in details along the way) and kept Dagger, Steiner and Beatrix's attentions. "Anyway, we were actually on our way to see you," Vivi said. "Fortunately, you came to us!" "Well," Dagger said, sitting back and pondering all this. "You seem to have attracted the Mutant Federation's attention." "The what?" Lou asked. "The Mutant Federation. It's an orginization of mutants bent on conquering the planet for themselves. It's always looking for downhearted or rebellious mutants to add to its ranks. It's led by Dragon Master, who can summon dragons with a wave of his hand. He's obviously recruited every mutant you've encountered so far." "Quaker and Imaginator were working for him?" Eiko asked. "At least we know who's pulling their strings." "...But how do you know all this, Dagger?" Saria asked. "Alexandria's being terrorized by a branch of the Federation," Beatrix explained. "A crazy socialist named Red-Eye is always charging into town with his gang of mutants and vandalising the area with communist logos and slogans before vanishing back into their base in Evil Forest. Red-Eye wants to destroy Alexandria's autocracy and set up a socialist government." "Politics make everyone cranky," Quina observed. "I go make snacks to cheer up friends!" "No stuffed gophers, OK Quina?" Lou asked. "That there's a purty stone there, ma'am," Arc said looking at Dagger's pendant. "Thanks," Dagger said. "It's a keepsake." "I think it looks like a strawburry," Arc continued. "Kin ah lick it?" "OK, but don't lick anywhere else," Dagger said, wincing as she held out the stone. Arc gave it a long lick. "Bluhhhh! That there ain't no strawburry, that's fer sure," Arc grumbled, waggling his hairy tongue around. "Anyway," Beatrix continued. "Red-Eye's attacks are getting stronger and stronger each time he attacks, and the citizens are starting to agree with his teachings..." "The fall of nobility," Lou said. "It happens to all the great nations... But I would've hoped that Alexandria would become a democracy." "Anyway," Dagger continued. "What I'm saying is... Would you all come to Alexandria and help me stop Red-Eye?" "I'll follow you anywhere, Dagger," Zidane said, kissing her hand. "I'll come too," Eiko said. "...Just to keep an eye on you two." "You know I'll go," Vivi said. "I don't know," Sara said. "If the people are tiring of autocratic rule, it's not a good idea to hold them back. They'll just gush forward even worse when they do. If they want a new form of government, maybe you should let them have it." "But-" Dagger started. "If the people are angry with you, there must be something wrong with the way you're running the country," Sara continued, verbally hacking away at Dagger's way of governing the country. "How dare you address her majesty that way!" Steiner said angrily. "It's just not right!" Sara said. "You obviously have to make some changes if you plan to keep your throne, Dagger." "....You know, you're right," Dagger said. She and Sara sat down to talk politics, which bored the hell out of everyone else. "...They've been at it for hours," Saria moaned. "Suddenly, being back with Dagger has lost its flare," Zidane mumbled. "You sure?" Lou asked. "If I'm not mistaken, it isn't bedtime yet." "What do you mean by that?" Zidane asked angrily. "Hey, hey, hey," Lou said. "I didn't mean anything. I'm just saying that Dagger's a real nice piece of work, and that my teenage boy's intuition is saying that she's a lot of fun. Am I right?" "How'm I supposed to know?" Zidane argued. "I've never done that!" "Really? Bummer..." Steiner asked. "...Oh, ummm... Well, you'd better not, or I'll have your head, ruffian!" "Yo, I thought I was the ruffian here," Marc said. "....Aw, geez." Steiner grumbled. "I can only have one ruffian at a time... Why'd you have to go and make me choose?" "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ," said Arc and Quina. "I'm with them," Lou said. "BOR-ING," Eiko said, playing with her toejam for the third time that hour. "Excuse me," a porter said as he entered the room. "Is there a Lou Runic here?" "That's me," Lou said. The porter handed him a letter and left. Lou looked it over and his mouth dropped open. "What is it, Lou?" Saria asked. "It says that my stepfather died during the Hunting Festival of a stuffed gopher clogging," Lou read. Quina whistled to him/herself in the corner. "It also says that since my stepbrother Kain has declined to honor the will, all of my stepfather's belongings are now mine, including the mansion in Lindblum," Lou read. "...Amazing. Justice was served, and I didn't do a thing." "Dude, I have GOT to try that sometime," Marc said. "In other words, we've got a mansion all to ourselves, right?" Saria asked. "The great thing is that the mortgage has been paid in full on everything," Lou said, smiling brightly. "Oh, Lou, I'm so happy for you!" Eiko said, smiling playfully. "Well, it looks like we have a 'home base' area now," Zidane said. "If you wish to change party members, go to Runic Estate in Lindblum." "...But we're all going to be traveling together," Vivi said. "Oh, right. Sorry, I just wanted to say that," Zidane said. "(YAWN) Man, I'm tired," Sara said, stretching. "Me too," Dagger said, getting up and doing a cat-stretch. "Time for bed?" Quina asked. "Yeah..." Beatrix said. "Problem is, these rooms have enough to accomodate 1 boy and 1 girl. We can't have 2 of each. Sorry." "In other words..." Marc said, grinning. "CO-ED SLUMBER PARTY!!!" "In other words," Sara said, frowning, "I bunk with Vivi." "Awwww," Marc groaned. "Don't worry," Eiko said, smiling. "I'm sure I can squeeze you into my room." The rooms were divided up in this way: Lou/Saria Steiner/Beatrix Zidane/Dagger Eiko/Marc Vivi/Sara Arc/Quina "Ah hopes theyse haves an oven," Arc said to Quina. "Ah'm fixin' ta do some goood cookin'!" The groups turned in to their rooms, but had no idea that Oil watched them from the shadows. "This is a cushy bed," Eiko said, bouncing on the satin bed. "Hey Marc, come and try this! This's fun! Wheeeee!!!" "Now don't overdo it, Eiko," Marc said, pulling out a can of beer and guzzling it down. "If ya break it, you'll have to buy it." "Hey, nice beanbag chairs," Steiner said as he and Beatrix entered their room. "I love these things!" He sat down in one and was swallowed up. "Hey! Hey, there's another person in here!" he yelled out from the beanbag. "It swallowed me whole, kupo," a moogle said. Beatrix snickered. "I've never seen a bed this nice," Vivi said as he hopped up on the bed. "Hey, kid," Sara warned. "You get mud on those sheets, I'm takin' you to the cleaners." "..So why'd you wanna bunk with me instead of Marc?" Vivi asked. "You don't shed," Sara said, taking her shirt off and slipping on a nightgown. "...And if I catch you staring again, your face'll be even blacker than it is now." Vivi scrunched up in the corner of the bed. "Look at all this food!" Quina said as s/he and Arc pried open the fridge. "I'll bet we's kin makes us some GOOD eatins with this," Arc said, prying open a jar of pickles. "Oh yeah," Quina said, starting to take things out and plop them on the table. "Quina in da house! Watch out, Iron Chef!" "Let's get cookin'! YEEEEHAAAWWWWW!!!!" Arc said, turning the stove up to full blast. "I didn't think we'd ever get this opportunity," Zidane said, rubbing his hands together. "You know, Zidane," Dagger said as she undressed. "...You said you had the ability to become a Rootor?" "Uh-huh," Zidane said, adjusting his tail's nightcap. "I've always wondered what a Rootor'd be like at... You know," Dagger said, raising and lowering her eyebrows very quickly. "Oh ho ho," Zidane said, grinning from ear to ear. He put his Rootor Mask on. "Let's see how this baby works!" Rootor Zidane said, skipping towards the now satin-blanket-covered-only Dagger. "Well, I'm turning in," Lou said, adjusting the pillow he had put on the couch. "Good night, Saria." "You're nuts," Saria said. "Sleeping on the couch at this time of year. You'll freeze your pantaloons off!" "If there's a comforter over there, toss it over," Lou said. Saria sighed crossly and gave him a wool blanket. "No wonder that other girlfriend dumped you," Saria said. "You are SO rigid." "I've always been told to pick my loved ones wisely," Lou said, fitting the couch into a single bed. "Unfortunately, no one I've encountered has been able to come up to my standards, and I certainly don't want to blow it early on." "You need to relax," Saria said. "Tell you what; when we get to Majora Village, we can go on a date. I know a great homestyle restaurant." "Well, I do like eating things," Lou said. "I'll think about it. Good night." Poor Lou, Saria thought. A mutant with a hard luck story and no taste for excitement... I'll have to liven him up. All became quiet in Lindblum castle after about two hours. "Perfect," Oil said as she oozed out of her hiding place on the eastern wall. "Now to earn my pay..." She slithered through the corridors until she arrived at the sleeping chambers. "One well-placed slime patch will suffocate anyone," Oil snickered, generating one in her hand. She slid under the door of the first room; Lou and Saria's. "This is too easy," Oil whispered to herself. She stretched into her normal height and was about to put the patch on Lou's face when she noticed who he was. "GASP!" she gasped. "...Lou Runic?!" "Urrrgh," Lou moaned. "What's that smell? Smells just like the perfume Kira used..." Suddenly, he opened his eyes. "...Kira?!" "Lou, it IS you, isn't it?" Oil asked. "Kira, what're you doing here, and why are you holding that oil patch?" Lou asked. "Sorry babycakes, but I've got a job to do," Kira said, flinging the goo onto his face. She also dumped more on the rest of him to keep him from escaping. "What's happening?" Saria asked as she sat up in bed. "Hey, leave him alone!" "Why should I?" Kira asked. "Oh, so you found someone new, huh Lou? Doesn't really look your type..." "MMMBL MMBL MMBL," Lou shouted at Saria. "...Go get help? Right, Lou," Saria said, leaping out of bed and running out the door. What Lou had actually said was 'put a bra on for God's sake.' "You won't escape!" Oil said, going liquid again and chasing after Saria. Saria pounded on every door. "Help! Help!" she yelled. "What? What?" Quina and Arc asked as they emerged in their chef's uniforms. "Lou's in danger!" Saria cried. "Can it wait?" Quina asked. "We trying big gourmet experiment!" Suddenly, Oil came up behind them. "Ahhh! Lookit, Quina, it's a live goo patch!" Arc said. "Hey Arc, how you think it taste?" Quina asked. "I'm fixin' ta find out, pardner," Arc said licking his lips and grabbing his pitchfork. He stabbed away at Oil, but his pitchfork just went right through. "I help! Twister!" Quina said, creating a giant tornado that blew Oil to pieces. Unfortunately, she just slimed back together and kept chasing after Saria. Saria came to the next door. "Help! Vivi! Sara!" she yelled. "Whaddya want?" Sara asked, poking her head out the door. "If it's your toilet, go get a plumber." Oil wrapped herself around Sara's head. "Do anything and I choke her, too," Oil said, laughing angrily. "Leave her alone!" Vivi said, hitting Oil with a Waterga spell. "Ha! Don't you know that oil is resistant to water?" Oil cackled. She started to suck Sara into her. "I'll just let her suffocate inside of me!" "I don't think so, buddy!" Marc said, charging out his door, clad only in his underpants. His spiked fist gleamed in his hand. "Marc!" Saria cheered. "Ugh," Eiko said, spitting as she came out of the room. "That nut sheds in his sleep!" "Hold on, Sara!" Marc said, attacking Oil. Oil just oozed around his fist and threw him into the wall. "Forget it, dreamboat. Once she stops moving, she's history!" Oil said as the form inside her struggled around, getting weaker every minute. "You, you, you!" Marc said, getting angrier and angrier. "...TRANCE!!!" Marc's body became as dark as Oil's. He ran around the room, melting into shadows and them flying back out and attacking Oil as hard as he could. "Physical attacks have no effect!" Eiko said. "What's happening?..." Dagger asked as she peered out of the door. "Oh, come back to bed, Dagger," Rootor Zidane happily chirped. "I'm sure they can handle it." "Shouldn't we go help them?" Beatrix yelled as she struggled to get out of the beanbag chair. "Do we look like we could go anywhere?" Steiner yelled back from his chair. "Now you've made me mad!" Marc yelled. "Sara, I know you don't like me, but I'm gonna save you anyway! SHADOW FIST!!!" Marc's fist got huge and slammed into Oil, scattering her in all directions. "Ewww," Vivi and Eiko said together. "You OK?" Marc asked as he dropped out of Trance. "...Thanks, Marc," Sara said, getting up and bowing politely. "Remind me to bunk with you next time! At least you did something. That's a lot more than I expected you to do." Lou hopped out of his room and down the hall. "Mrrrfff!" he yelled. "Oh, I forgot all about him," Saria said. "Vivi, could you get all that junk off him?" "OK," Vivi said. "Fire!" Vivi set the oils on fire and they went up real fast... Along with Lou's hair and clothes. "Thanks, I think," Lou said, coughing black smoke. Oil was oozing away, trying to escape. "I don't think so," Sara said, starting to dance. "Lindblum Smog Dance!" A giant cloud of smog filled the room and stopped Oil in her tracks. "Great, what'm I supposed to do now?!" she yelled. "Fool! I'll take care of this myself," a voice from outside said. The wall broke down and revealed a man riding on a silver dragon. He wore a helmet shaped like a dragon's head, and black armor and a blood-red cape. "Who's that?!" Lou asked. "Did you make Kira attack us?" "I am Dragon Master, leader of the Mutant Uprising!" Dragon Master said. "I payed Oil to dispose of you, but I waited around just in case she failed. Prepare yourselves!" He fired a red beam at the group, knocking them against another wall. "Don't expect me to play stupid games with you," he said. "I'm starter than that!" "OK, now it's bad," Dagger said, running into the hall (she had put on her clothes). "Leave them alone!" she said, standing between Dragon Master and the party. "Oh, it's the queen of Alexandria!" Dragon Master said, doing a mock bow. "I'm sooo scared! Nightmare Dragon, come to me and show the queen what she doesn't want to see!" A dragon appeared behind him and its eyes lit up. Dagger suddenly saw huge versions of Zorn and Thorn approaching her. "Ahhh! No, keep away! Leave me alone!" she cried, backing up against the wall. "Huh?" Quina said. "I no get it. I not see anything." "The Nightmare Dragon is exposing Dagger to her worst nightmare, up close and personal!" Sara said. "I'm coming to help!" Zidane said, removing his mask and drawing his daggers. "I'm not scared of you!" Dragon Master said. "Mist Dragon, blind this fool!" Another dragon appeared and shrouded Zidane in Mist. "I can't see!" Zidane shouted. "Give it up. I'll destroy you all now and then no one will be able to stop me," Dragon Master laughed. "Leave them alone, sweet thing," Oil said, standing up. "I'm not doing this job anymore." "You think you can stop me?" Dragon Master asked. "Just try!" "Oil Shower!" Oil shouted, throwing black goo all over Dragon Master's silver dragon. It plummeted out of the sky and down towards the ground, taking Dragon Master with it. "I won't forget this!" Dragon Master yelled as he fell. "...You saved us," Lou said, getting up. "Thanks, Kira." Oil smiled. "Come on, we've got some catching up to do." It was about 4 in the morning. Lou, Saria, Oil and the rest were all sitting around a table. "It had been 2 years since I had left you, Lou," Oil said, leaning back in her chair. "I was exploring an unknown area of Gizamaluke's Grotto... I slipped on a big patch of oil and landed face-first in it. That's when I discovered that I was a mutant, too." "Really?" Lou asked. "My mutant powers were the ability to absorb a chemical and convert my body's molecules into that chemical... Unfortunately, I can only do it once, and this is what I became." "Wow, I actually feel sorry for you," Saria said. "I became enraged that I had become what I once loathed. I left Lindblum and became a mercenary, taking people's lives for money. I wanted to get back at the world for the raw deal it had given me... I never realized that my next target was you, Lou. I'm sorry..." "Well, if it makes you feel any better, Oil," Lou said, using his psychic abilities to raise the candle. "...Kain wasn't all that wrong about me." "Geez! Now I really feel bad," Oil said. "I'm so sorry, Lou." "Hey, we can still be friends," Lou said. "It's pretty obvious that we don't click... OOPS! Damn! I never should've said that. Now you're gonna pound me." "No, you're right," Oil said, frowning. "Look, I see that you've got new and better friends now, so I'll just be going... I'm going to turn my life around and do something good for a change!" "Good for you," Lou said, patting her on the shoulder. His hand got all slimy, so he didn't do it again. "I know you can do whatever you want!" "Well, see you around... Louie," Oil said, pecking him on the cheek. "...Oh, what the hell," she said, turning around, grabbing him and giving him a big, wet one. She then walked out the door and down the street. "....Woah," Zidane said as he looked on. "You really have a way with women, huh? What's your secret?" Dagger slugged him in the belly. "Look, why don't we all just go back to sleep?" Eiko said. "It's 4 in the morning, and (YAWN) I'm exhausted." "Good idea," Sara said, stretching. "I'm beat. Eiko, would you like to trade rooms?" "Why?" Eiko asked. "I just don't feel all that safe right now..." Sara said, looking around nervously. "Oh, I get it," Vivi said, snickering to himself. "Get what?" Sara asked, turning an evil eye to Vivi. "...Nothing," Vivi said, backing up. The groups went back to their rooms. "Man, how many people are in this beanbag?" Steiner asked, yanking out badly-drawn celebrity after badly-drawn celebrity. "Bob Hope, Amelia Aerhart, Jimmy Hoffa..." "Well, I'm pretty sure that no one's in my beanbag," Beatrix said, sitting in her red chair. She was swallowed up quickly. "Whoops. Spoke too soon," she shouted. "'Ave you got any tea?" Margaret Thatcher asked Beatrix. Morning came. Then noon came. Then afternoon came. "Do you think anyone else is up yet?" Saria asked Lou as they reset the chess board. "Doesn't sound like it," Lou said, listening against the walls. "Oh well," Saria said. "Hey, why don't we go check out your inherited mansion?" "Why not?" Lou asked. "I'd like to see what I can do with the place." Lou and Saria walked out of the castle and went downtown. They entered the giant, white building and looked around. "Sheesh, that stepfather was sure an egotist, wasn't he?" Saria asked. "Busts, portraits, photos made with sticky film placed all over the walls..." "Weird, isn't it?" Lou asked. "I always thought he was so selfless." "Well, let's see how things look upstairs," Lou suggested. They walked upstairs and looked about. "Pure silk sheets," Saria noted as she looked at the beds. "Mahogany wood bedposts," Lou said. "This guy sure blew his dough, huh?" Saria asked. "Man," Lou said. "Well, the accommodations ARE a lot roomier than in the castle. Why don't we stay here for a few days?" "Just us?" Saria asked, blushing a bit. "No, silly," Lou said, shaking his head. "Everyone." "Oh," Saria said, shaking off her blush. "No, of... course... not." "Swell place you've got here," Eiko said as she and the rest of the party entered the mansion. "Yeah, this is top-o-the-line!" Marc said, plopping down on a big, comfy couch. "I'm impressed," Dagger said. "It's swankier than Alexandria Castle." "Yeah, this place rocks!" Vivi said, sliding down a bannister. "Didn't think you did that kind of thing," Sara said, frowning a bit. "Amazing, isn't it?" Lou asked. "Well, we can stay here at Runic Manor for as long as we want." "I can't believe you own such a big mansion," Beatrix said, looking around. "Do you mind if I look around? I love architecture." "You can all wander around as much as you want," Lou said. "Actually, I'm still learning myself." "Yaaaayyy!" Arc said. "To the kitchen! Ah'm fixin' ta make a super dinner!" "I right with ya!" Quina said, following Arc to the giant kitchen. "Lou, where're you going?" Saria asked as Lou walked away. "I'm going to go check out the backyard," Lou said. "I'd like to see if the well is still there. You want to come?" Beatrix wandered through the giant hallways of paintings and busts of Reginald. "This guy really had a superiority complex," she said. "Man, I wonder what he's like in person... Guess I'll never find out now." Suddenly, she noticed that one of the busts was a little lopsided. "Well, no problem," she said, moving to adjust it. It fell over and smashed to a million pieces. "Whoops," Beatrix said, stepping backwards. "Uh... Hey, what's that?" Beatrix noticed a red button on the pillar the bust had stood on. "What's this?" she asked, nudging it a little. It sank in and turned blue. The sound of water draining could clearly be heard, and then the floor underneath her gave away. She tumbled very far down into inky blackness. "The garden's just like when I was younger," Lou said, looking around. "The flowers, the garden gnomes... They still creep me out." "These flowers smell so sweet," Saria said, sniffing a purple rose. "Hey," Eiko said, entering the area. "Cool garden! Hey, what's that over there?" Eiko went over to the well. "Eiko, be careful! That well's really deep!" "...You're right," Eiko said, peering down into it. "It's also bone dry." "What?!" Lou asked as he and Saria went over to the well. She was right. The well was empty. There was a metal ladder leading down into its dark hole, though. "...Should we go check it out?" Saria asked. "Why not?" Eiko asked, sliding down the ladder. "It could be fun!" "Hold on!" Lou said, heading down the ladder too. "I'm coming too." "When in Rome..." Saria said, grabbing the ladder and descending as well. The threesome landed at the bottom of the well and looked around. "There's an entrance to a cave," Saria pointed out. "I've never seen this place before," Lou said. "There's a great evil inside this place," Eiko said as she looked around. Weapons bared, the threesome entered the cave. Rocks and moss were all that they saw for a while. "I'm glad someone decided to light this cave," Lou said. "Stop!" Eiko hissed, looking ahead into the darkness. "Someone's there!..." Saria and Lou looked too. They all saw a bandage-swathed being in front of them. It moaned every few moments, and it sounded scary as hell. "What is it?!" Saria asked. "A mummy?..." Lou asked. "...But I didn't think that the dead could rise again..." "Whatever it is, it's coming this way!" Eiko shouted as the mummy lurched towards them. "GRAAAAHHHHHH...." it roared, advancing on them, its arms outstretched, its sickening black lips and yellow teeth and glowing eyes visible. "Yipes!" Lou said, drawing his staff. "I'll stop him," Eiko said. "Holy!" A white flash shot through the room and disintegrated the mummy. "Man, what else could be down here?" Saria asked. "What was Reginald hiding?..." Lou asked. "One way to find out..." Eiko said as she approached the door that the mummy was guarding. She opened it slowly and peeked inside. "....Guys, you'd better come and see this!" she cried. Lou and Saria came to the door and looked in. "My God..." Saria gasped. "No..." Lou growled. In front of them was an abandoned lab. All the instruments still hung in their usual places, but the operating table was spattered with blood and bandages. Also in the room were three more mummies. They noticed the group and lurched towards them. "That isn't good," Lou said. "I can only get Holy to hit one monster at a time," Eiko stammered. "We'll be fodder!" "Noooo escaaape..." the mummies chanted. "You shall... join ussss...." Suddenly, more mummies started to emerge from the ground. "Crap!!!" Lou said, jumping out of the way. "Quick, we have to run!" Saria said. "Let's go through that door over there!" The threesome ran from the mummies until they reached the other door. They went in and slammed it shut. "What're you guys doing down here?" a voice asked. "What?!" Lou said, waving his staff around. "Who's there?!" "Hey, calm down," Beatrix said, coming out of the shadows. "I hit a button at the mansion that drained the well and plopped me down here. I took care of some mummies, but I don't know if there's anything else here." "Yeah, we just came from mummy-racing," Eiko said. "How do we get out?!" "Well, unfortunately the way I came is pretty much one-way," Beatrix said. "We'll probably have to go out the way you came in." "But there's a slew of mummies in that direction!" Saria said. "Yeah, we can't fight them all," Lou said. "...What's that?" Eiko asked, walking over to a large statue of a strange doctor. She read from the stone. "'This is the lab of Dr. Alfred Necromaster, a scholar in undead science. Here is all the research of the professor, and his results as well... If you survived long enough to reach this room, this stone shall teach you the song that will calm the dead and heal their souls by rain in summer, snow in winter...'" "Hey, there're notes down here!" Saria said, kneeling down and looking. "Eiko, try playing it with your flute," Beatrix said. "OK," Eiko said, taking out her flute and playing the melody, the BALLAD OF HEALING RAIN... FEDAGFED CBAEDCB AAGFC(B-Flat)AGF C(B-Flat)AGG A gentle rain started to fall in the cave. "This is the Ballad of Healing Rain?" Saria asked. "Sounds familiar." "Whatever the case, let's see what's happening in the other room," Lou said. They opened the door. The mummies were all writhing in agony. They all melted into a mess of putridity and bandages. "Ewwww," Eiko said. "Do I really want to learn a song like that?" "Maybe they should call it the Ballad of Falling Acid Rain," Lou said, sticking his tongue out. The foursome edged around the goo and climbed back outside. They were met by Zidane, Steiner and Dagger. "Hey, where were you guys?" Zidane asked. "We've been looking all over for you!" "We were in the well," Lou said, pointing downwards. "There's a disgusting laboratory down there, with undead mummies and everything!" "Pshh," Dagger said, waving her hand. "That's nothing compared to what I found in the fridge. Come and see!" "Yeah, I also found some stolen airship plans in the guest bedroom," Zidane said, holding up a blueprint. "Hey, maybe papa Cid can make us a new airship!" Eiko said. "Ever since the Invincible was destroyed, we've been shipless," Steiner said. "Couldn't we use the Red Rose or Hilda Garde 3?" Lou asked. "Red Rose is in the shop, and Hilda Garde 3 was dismantled to build a submarine," Beatrix said. "OK, let's take these blueprints to the regent and see what he says!" Zidane said, heading for the front door. The group passed Arc and Quina as they headed for the castle. "What're you guys doing?" Saria asked. "We cook stuff we find in fridge all together," Quina said. "I'm fixin' that it'll taste YUMMY! YEEEEHAAAAWWWWW!!!!" Arc said, stabbing the green stuff with his pitchfork. "Well, there's some mutilated mummy remains below the well, if you want them," Eiko said. "Hey, thanks kid!" Arc said, using his mutant speed to fly down to the well and back with a few bandaged limbs. "Let's see how this cooks up!" Everyone else made faces. Lou, Saria, Eiko, Beatrix, Zidane, Dagger and Steiner headed out the door for Lindblum castle. "Hey, where're they going?" Marc asked. "Oh, sit down and be quiet," Sara said, pulling Marc from the window. "Do you want me to teach you needlepoint or not?" "Excellent, my dear..." Dr. Necromaster cackled as Freya launched her spear through 5 mummies at once. "You'll make a fine warrior." "GRRRRRR...." Freya groaned, her pale hair streaming over her gray, cold face. Suddenly, an alarm went off. "What?!" Necromaster roared as he looked over the message. "My Lindblum lab has been ransacked? My mummy warriors are destroyed?! SOMEONE LEARNED THE SONG?! Someone must be onto me... I'll have to dispose of them... Show me who!" The computer switched to the video camera in the room with the song pillar. Necromaster watched in anger as the four people on the screen learned the song, then destroyed his mummies. "BLAST!!! Well, we'll have to eliminate them, won't we, Miss Crescent?" "GRAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Freya roared. "Now go and destroy them, my Mummy Dragoon!" Necromaster ordered. Freya leaped out of the room and vanished. Necromaster then turned back to the screen. "So you finally found my trail again, eh, Beatrix?..." he hissed. "My, my..." Cid said, poring over the blueprints. "If I built this ship, it would be faster and sturdier than even the Invincible!" "So you will?" Lou asked. "Of course!" Cid said. "Of course... I'll need money." Lou pulled out his wallet. "How much?" he asked. "Well, I'll need 4000 Gil for metal, 8000 for fuel, and 25 for a pack of Jolly Ranchers." "Cid, did you always wear those weird goggles?" Dagger asked. "They belonged to Cid VII, so I thought I'd try them on," Cid said. "Also, I shaved my moustache and I have 5-o'-clock shadow. Whaddya think?" "Well, it's new..." Zidane said, scratching his head. Lou handed over the appropriate money. "Good," Cid said, counting the coins. "Now, this'll take a few days, so why don't you go to Treno and participate in the Card Tournament while I work? I'll let you use the Hilda Garde 3 to get there." "Sounds good," Saria said. "I'm itchin' to play some cards!" "You play Tetra Master?" Lou asked. "I'm Majora Village's champion," Saria said, holding up her huge stack of cards. "I'll take on anyone!" "Whatever. I hear Treno's got a great bar," Marc said. "...But I also heard that Treno citizens don't like mutants," Sara said. "Lou and Arc will be OK as long as they don't use their powers, but you need a disguise..." "Ho ho ho...Are you... worried about me?" Marc asked, grinning. "Shut up! I just don't want to be run out of town because of you!" Sara snapped, kicking Marc in the shins. "Don't worry," Cid said, putting on a scarf. "My research team has found a way for odd-looking mutants to blend in. Here." He handed Marc a bracelet. "...Well, I know that cubic zirconium is all the rage, but that doesn't do anything about my fur," Marc said. "Put it on," Cid grumbled. Marc put it on, and he instantly looked normal. I mean, he looked like he usually did, but without the tail, pointy ears or fur. "What the heck?!" Vivi asked. "It's a magical field that shows only what's inside a person, not what's outside." "Regent, you rock!" Marc said, giving Cid a thumbs up. "Right on, daddy-o!" Cid said, giving the peace sign. "(The regent should really drink less caffeine,)" Steiner whispered to Beatrix. "Riiiight," Beatrix said, rolling her eyes. The group piled into the Hilda Garde 3. "Wooo, this's one BIG wagon, huh?" Arc asked. "You guys can fly this kind of stuff?" Lou asked. "Wow." "You guys're headed for Treno?" Erin(the pilot) asked. "Fine. I'll have us there in three hours. Just relax." The trip was a leisurely one. Most of the party sat out on the deck watching the clouds go by. "Marc, why were you so angry at Baku and the other Tantalus members?" Vivi asked. "...That bigot Baku always gave me such a hard time," Marc grumbled. "Always makin' me do the hard stuff. Mop the theater ship's deck! Clean out the storage rooms! File inventory! Help Ruby write the next play! And then, when Ruby decides to procrastinate, I have to write the whole thing myself!... I expect he did it because I was a mutant. I've always been just a stepping stone for other people." "Really?" Lou asked. "I put my ass on the line for people, and they still walk all over me. You know I'm the one that found Cinna's hammer the time he lost it in Burmecia? Not ONE word of gratitude!" "Is that why you left?" Sara asked. "That, and my morals," Marc said. "I object to kidnapping. It isn't right at all, and when Baku announced we were kidnapping Queen Garnet, I just couldn't take it anymore." "Baku isn't like that," Zidane argued. "He had you do all that other stuff because he knew that none of the other guys (myself included) were responsible enough to do it! He tried to get Marcus to balance the Tantalus checkbook once when you were out sick, and he blew it big time." "Sounds to me like Baku was giving you the most important job in the group," Saria said. "Yeah, he really trusted you, and it really hurt the group when you left," Zidane continued. "No one in that group knows any math above pre-algebra. How are you supposed to make accurate scenery without geometry?" "...So I was... important?" Marc asked. "Man, I didn't know... I just thought they were treating me like garbage..." "Well, Cinna's just a jerk, but..." Zidane said, shrugging. Suddenly, a great rumbling was heard. "What was that?!" Lou asked, looking over the side. A giant, propeller-supported robot flew out of the ground and confronted the ship. "Wha?!" Erin yelled, bringing the ship to a screeching halt, though we have no idea how a ship in the air can screech to a halt. "I am Replidroid Unit 4922, known as Chopper Man," the robot said. "After deactivation of Steel Man, I was created and upgraded to eliminate Steel Man's deactivators. You are the enemy. I shall terminate you." "Another one of these metalheads?!" Eiko asked. "I'm getting sick of them." "Let me handle this," Sara said, arming her Winchester. "You sure, Sara?" Marc asked. "Quit tryin' to come on to me and get inside!" Sara said, shoving him backwards. Everyone else ran inside. "OK ugly, are you ready for me?" she asked. "Enemy targeted," Chopper Man droned. "Initiate first wave of attack. STEEL PROPELLER!!!" Two metal blades came slicing at Sara. She jumped over one and ducked under the second. "Is that the best you've got?" Sara asked, firing her Winchester a few times. The bullets shot right through the robot's armor. "Enemy is resisting," Chopper Man said. "Begin second wave of attack. TWIN MACHINE GUN!!!" Chopper Man's arms became machine guns, and they fired away at Sara. They kept hitting things on the deck, but the ship's armor refused to let it crash. "Time to launch my own wave," Sara said, beginning to dance. "This is where my folk dances come in handy! BURMECIAN RAIN DANCE!!!" Rain clouds appeared and stormed down upon Chopper Man. "Water damages systems..." Chopper Man groaned, starting to spark. "I am... going down... But I will be improved upon... Chopper Man Unit 4922 Transmitting Organic Status Charts to Unimatrix 0.... Masterman will aquire the data and send a stronger prototype to defeat you." He exploded. Shrapnel blew all over the deck and rocked the ship. Everyone ran out onto the deck. "Sara, are you OK?" Marc asked. ".....Whew. I hope I never have to do that again," she said, flopping backwards onto the deck. The ship sailed onwards towards Treno, city of darkness. "We're heeeere!" Eiko called as the Hilda Garde 3 landed outside of Treno. "Well, time for me to get into costume," Marc said, putting on the bracelet Cid had given him. "He's cuter this way," Saria said, "but the pointy ears were starting to work for me. Well, I'm off for the Card Stadium!" "Card Stadium have yummy food?" Quina asked. "Ah reckon they'se gots ta have SOME munchees," Arc concluded. "Turneemints has peoples, an' peoples gotta eat, so they'se gots ta be some food." "I'm going to go and talk to Doctor Tot," Dagger said. "Maybe he has some ideas about Alexandrian politics. "I'll go with you," Sara said. "My arguments need refining." "I'm headin' straight for the bar," Marc said. "Who's with me?" "Yo," Zidane said, raising his hand for a second. "I've got some money," Steiner said. "Beatrix, would you like to have dinner?" "I'm truckin' for the auction house!" Vivi said. "I heard they have a first edition Final Fantasy 7 lunch pail for sale." "I'm just going to wander about town," Lou said. "You want to come, Eiko?" "If there's ice cream involved," Eiko said, grinning from ear to ear. The party set out for Treno's dark alleys and flashy broadways. "Man, this joint's jammin'," Marc said, looking around. "Looks like Batman could swing from THOSE rooftops," Zidane said. "Well, c'mon, Marc. The bar's this way." "I feel lucky tonight," Saria said, dusting off her deck of cards. "Wish me luck, Lou!" "OK, good luck," Lou said. "I might even drop in later and see how you're doing." "Come on," Eiko said, tugging at Lou's sleeve. "There's a double-scoop fudge sugar cone out there calling me." "Ah, good evening, Doctor Tot," Dagger said as she entered Tot's tower (incidentally, it was known as Teeter Totter Tater Tot's Tower among the younger locals). "Ah, Queen Garnet! How good it is to see you again," Tot said. "How was the Lindblum festival?" "Oh, it was fun," Dagger said. "I got posessed!" "...Yeah, and I spilled Cherry Coke on my lap," Sara grumbled. "Good, good," Tot said. "...Except for the Cherry Coke. That stuff'll stain like there's no tomorrow." "Doctor, I had a few questions about my rule of Alexandria..." Dagger said, starting a long and boring political conversation that I'm not going into detail about. "Yeaaahhhh!!!" Saria cheered as she beat another card player. "Who's your daddy?! Who's your daddy?!" "Awww, refreshments suck!" Quina groaned, cringing at the taste of her greased hot dog. "There gotta be better tastin' stuff in here!" Arc grumbled. "Ah hates chili fries." Saria played her Yeti card. Her opponent played a Flan. Then Saria reached for her Frog card... "Hey, I see frog!" Quina said, crashing out of the stands and eating the card. "HEY!!!" Saria yelled. "Is they's really that good?" Arc said, trying a Mythril Sword card. "Heyyyy, this ain't so bad, y'all! Ooh, an Oglop card!" The bouncers pretty much took things from here. "I love this pail!" Vivi said, proudly walking past a restaurant displaying his new lunch pail. "I'm gonna eat out of this all the time!" Suddenly, he was interrupted by two huge belches. He looked in the restaurant to see Steiner and Beatrix engaged in a belching contest. "Yeah? Well, I can go twice as loud!" Steiner said, revving up and belching so strongly that the candle blew out. "Beat this!" Beatrix said, belching a surprised waiter over. Steiner belched and the table next to them flew out the window, taking the diners with it. Beatrix belched and all the glass in the restaurant broke. Steiner belched so loud that the roof broke away and went flying into the sky. Beatrix belched so loud that a satellite came shooting down from the sky. "...OK, you win," Steiner muttered. Beatrix laughed and started jumping around. "Yayyy! Who da man? Who da man? I da man!... sort of." "THIS is what knights do for fun?" Vivi asked himself. "Sheesh." "I tell you, Zidane," Marc said, drunkenly slamming his fist on the table. "Dagger is SO HOT over you, she'd go bananas if you just took your pants off right now." "Yeah? Well, watch this," Zidane said, sticking a peanut in his nose and launching it into another guy's drink on the next sneeze. "I can do better than that!" Marc said. "I'll just-ZZZZZZZ...." "Yeah, I thought you couldn't-ZZZZZZZ...." Zidane answered. "Hey Moe, we've got another 'boy's night out' case at table 3," the waitress called. "What a big city," Eiko said as Lou and she walked through the streets, licking their ice cream cones. "I forgot how big it was." "I have absolutely no idea where we are," Lou said. "It's kind of relaxing." "You're fun to be around, Lou," Eiko said. "You're a cool guy." "Look, there's the tower of that guy that Dagger and Sara went to go and see," Lou said, pointing. "Hey, he's the guy that helped me write a love letter!" Eiko said. "C'mon, I know another person to write to." "Don't meddle in my personal affairs, Eiko," Lou warned. "If you do, I'll feed you to Quina and Arc." "Ewwww," Eiko said, sticking her tongue out. "I forgot that they'll eat ANYTHING." They walked up the long, long staircase until they reached Tot's study. Dagger, Tot and Sara were all arguing with each other over politics. "Er, is this a bad time?" Lou asked. "No, no, not at all," Tot said, getting up and scratching his nose. "Oh, it's miss Eiko! How are you, child?" "I'm just fine," Eiko said. "Lou's just escorting me around town." "Lou?..." Tot asked. "Is this the one that you asked me to help you write a letter for, or was that someone else?" "Errrr...." Eiko said, going red. "...Can we talk about something else?" "Well, you're welcome to talk politics, but miss Googly-Glasses over there'll shoot down every argument you make," Tot said, growling a little. "Look who's talking, nose-man!" Sara retorted. "Why you little!" Tot growled. "Hey, hey, hey, settle down," Lou said. "No use starting any more arguments." "Hey, what does this switch on the globe do?" Eiko asked, pushing the button before anyone could say 'don't do that.' "Uh-oh," Tot said, backing up. "Quickly, everyone get behind it!!!" Everyone ducked behind a big box as the globe started rolling down the stairs and out into town, squishing everything in its path. When it finally rolled off out of sight, three buildings lay flat as pancakes. "Uh...." Eiko said, looking with huge eyes. "...Sorry?" "You squashed the Burger King!" Lou angrily yelled. "How'm I supposed to find a decent meal now?!" "Hey, maybe I should build one of those for my room," Dagger said. "Hey Zidane, did you just see a HUGE globe go rollin' outta the tower?" Marc slurred as he and Zidane lurched down the street. "Nahhh, it was a de...de....delirium... A make-believe thing," Zidane said as he fell over and landed in a trash can. "Ah ha ha," Marc laughed. "...You can't spell right!" He banged his arm on a trash bin, and his bracelet broke. "...Uh-oh," Marc said, suddenly sobering up. His magical barrier dropped, and he looked like himself again. "Hey, that guy's a mutant!" a man yelled. "People like him don't belong here!" a noble called. "Let's run him outta town!" another man said. A mob organized and ran at Marc with pitchforks and guns. "Damn," Marc said, teleporting to a hidden area. "I don't think I should've done that." "What's all the fuss?" Tot asked, looking out the window. "Oh, it looks like another anti-mutant mob is forming." "What?!" Lou asked, looking around nervously. "Who're they after?" "Me," Marc said, appearing suddenly in a puff of smoke. "My bracelet broke." "...After heavy drinking, I suppose," Sara sniffed. "How'd you know?" Marc asked. "I watched the ATE," Sara explained. "Cool," Marc said, scratching his head. "...But now what do we do?" "Well, Treno's surveilane systems are very good," Tot said, "so the mob should be driving all of your friends out of town by now." "He's right," Eiko said, looking out the window. "There go Steiner and Beatrix... There's Zidane, being carried out of town." "Well, we'd better go," Dagger said. "Thanks for taking time to talk with us, doctor." "Oh, of course!" Tot said. "Uh... Just don't tell anyone out there that you know me, OK?" The party snuck out of the tower and back into the airship. "Is everyone here?" Lou asked. "...They broke my lunch pail," Vivi whined. "How rude!" Steiner grumbled. "They kicked us out, and we never finished our belching contest!" "Yeah, and I was winning," Beatrix added. "You were not," Steiner retorted. "I was TOO," Beatrix answered. The repeated yelling of the words 'not' and 'too' echoed over the plains. "At least I get good meal," Quina said, chewing on another card. "Hey, give that back!" Saria yelled. "I would've won if the garbage disposald here hadn't eaten my best cards." "Welcome to Marlboro Country, y'all," Arc said, chewing on a Marlboro card. "Why don't we just go back to Lindblum and get our new airship?" Eiko suggested. "We need to get to Alexandria anyway." "OK," Erin said, piloting the airship back to Lindblum. "Great news," Cid said. "I finished your airship ahead of schedule!" "Thanks for speeding it up, mister writer!" Zidane called. "No problem," Lou Smith said, typing away at his computer while he drank a fizzy water. "Yeah, you never want to tick off the writer," Dagger said. "I learned that when he made me bang my head into everything I saw for five paragraphs." "When was that?" Lou asked, looking over the rest of the story. "I don't see that here." "He erased it afterwards. He was just messing around," Dagger explained. "Would you guys like to name the ship?" Cid asked. "What's it look like?" Lou asked. Cid took them to the airship deck. The airship was humongous. It had clean-burning fuel engines and at least 14 living areas, along with the deck and steering area. "Woah, this thing rocks!" Marc said. "Yes," Cid said. "It can travel at speeds up to 75 Kilometers Per Hour. That's fast for an airship." "Let's name it 'Fast Ship,'" Vivi suggested. "You have no imagination at all," Sara said. "Let's call it 'planet's hope.'" "Too poetic," Marc said, shaking his head. "How 'bout 'Air Lust?'" "Gross-o-rama," Beatrix retorted. "I say we name it 'Queen of Winds.'" "'Gross-o-rama?!'" Steiner asked. "...'The Dauntless,'" Lou said. "What?" Eiko asked. "It's fast, and it gets us places really safely. I say we call it 'Dauntless.'" "You know, Lou's got a point," Saria said. "I'll second that name." Everyone pretty much agreed that this was the best name that anyone had ever come up with for an airship this week. "All right," Cid said, pulling out a bottle of whine. "I christen thee the 'Dauntless!'" He threw the bottle at the ship. It bounced off and hit Marc in the head. "Oh, shoot. This must be the bottle I've been keeping in the freezer for five years." "Daisy, daisy..." Marc hummed as little, yellow birdies flew around his head and flowers danced in front of him. "Wow," Vivi said as the group explored the interior of the ship. "This ship has private quarters for everyone!" "I call this one," Eiko said, entering a pink room with hearts all over the walls and a big-screen TV. "Actually, that IS your room," Cid said, entering the ship. "I've perused your files, and I've made each room suit each person. There are two empty rooms as well." "Cool, my name's engraved on the door," Saria said, looking at the gold-plated plate on her wooden door. "Well, I'll leave you to your ship," Cid said, turning to leave. "You'd best be heading for Alexandria." "Roger that," Dagger said, seizing the controls and piloting the ship out of Lindblum. They sailed northeast towards Alexandria. "This airship is the best!" Saria said, stretching out in her room. For the reader's enjoyment, I shall now tell of what each character's room looks like: Lou's room has a double bed and a TV with a VCR and a Nintendo 64 with Majora's Mask all ready to be played. Eiko's room is decorated with hearts and she has a huge pile of stuffed animals in one corner and a Monty Python video set in another. She has a small bed, also decorated with hearts. Saria's room is white all over. Her bed is satin, and she has a reasonably-sized TV in the left-hand corner. That's about it. Vivi's room is a bit dark, but it has an adorable Black Mage-shaped chair and a Waterga bed. Marc has a cotton bed, a house bar, posters on the walls and many dirty magazines. Need I say more? I think not. Sara's room looks like a library with a hammock. Zidane's room is filled with all the crap that the party won from the pointless miniquests of FF9. He also has a DVD. Dagger has a regal room, with all the luxuries a Queen enjoys... plus a microwave. Arc and Quina's rooms are linked together, and this area is also known as "the kitchen." Steiner's room is pretty plain, except for the armor rack and mountains of 'Digimon' tapes. Beatrix's room is about the same, except the tape pile is of 'Powerpuff Girls.' There are also two empty rooms. They smell like plaster. And thanks for tuning in to "This Old Airship." I'm your host, Webbly Webster, signing off. "What was that all about?" Lou asked. "You've got me," Zidane replied. "We'll be in Alexandria by morning," Steiner said, looking over the horizon. "Hey, who was that dragon dude back in Lindblum?" Vivi asked. "I've seen him before," Marc said. "That's Quinn Burmeester, better known by his alias 'Dragon Master.' He's a mutant with the ability to create and destroy dragons at his liking. He believes that mutants and normal people will never be able to coexist, and he's creating an army to conquer Gaia for the mutants." "How do you know all this?" Sara asked. "I read his profile on the author's computer," Marc said, pointing upwards. "Leave me out of this, or you'll be sorry," the writer scowled. "...Sorry," Marc said, shrinking down a bit. "Anyhoo, Dragon Master must see us as a potential threat to his army, so he's sending mutants after us to eliminate us. In a nutshell, he's not good." "...But he has a point," Lou said. "So far as I've seen, the normal humans don't exactly welcome mutants into their soceity. Look at Navi City and Treno." "Even the freaky bird men and hippo ladies were chasing after me in that mob," Marc said, shaking his head. "Oh, they're just jealous of your abilities," Saria said, trying to lighten the mood. "That's exactly what Dragon Master says," Marc continued, "and he's using that to his advantage. Many of the mutants under him have a superiority complex." "I guess we should try to stop him," Zidane said. "I know I wouldn't want to be descriminated against just because I have a super power that most people don't." "What a waste, to be blind to the truth that mutation is just a natural step in human evolution," Sara said, sitting back and going into pensive mode. "This anti-mutant feeling is just people denying that the human race is moving upwards in the chain of evolution." "I don't think 'denying' is going to be what the people say when we ask why they hate mutants," Dagger said. "As Queen of Alexandria, I shall institute a mutant-toleration policy that allows mutants to be free of any political prejudice in Alexandria." "Don't call it tolerance," Lou said. "That makes it sound like we're just scum you have to put up with." "Right, sorry," Dagger said. "What's that line the commoners use? 'Mah bad.'" ".....I get the feeling you're not comfortable around mutants," Lou said. "What?! N-no, that's not it at all!" Dagger said, backing up. "You don't like knowing that I could psychically crush you any second, do you?" Lou asked. "Ummmmmm," Dagger said, backing up again. "What're you aiming at, Lou?" "You don't care for people different then yourself, do you?!" Lou said, almost shouting. "No one yells at the Queen of Alexandria!" Steiner said, pushing Lou backwards. "I wasn't yelling," Lou snapped. "In a world like this, a mutant can be turned upon at any second. I'm just making sure that I know who my real friends are..." Lou turned around and walked back to his room. He closed the door very quietly. "What's gotten into him?" Zidane asked. "I thought he was a nice guy." "He's really sensitive," Eiko said. "He can read thoughts, and he knows what you're feeling. It must be really tough to hear everyone's thoughts in your head, including your own." "He's right, though," Dagger said, shaking her head. "I DO feel a little uncomfortable around mutants... I never thought it was prejudice, but it is." "Most of them are suspicious rabble," Steiner said, "but I thought that master Lou and Arc were okay..." "What about me?" Marc asked. "You're just a troublemaker," Steiner said. "Whazzat? I dare ya to say that to me again!" Marc said, his spiked knuckle glistening in the morning light. "Calm down, Steiner," Beatrix said, pulling him away. "Save your energy for fighting Red-Eye." "See what I mean?" Steiner said. "There's a clear case of hostile mutants! I say that all mutants should be locked up for good!" "What about Lou and Arc?" Saria asked. "You just said-" "Every mutant will become dangerous one day. It's their way..." Steiner said, looking out into the sky. "I should know. I had a best friend who was a mutant. Her name was Tifa Lockholm. She was nice, but even she joined up with Dragon Master and Red-Eye. You just can't trust 'em. They'll all turn on you sooner or later..." These words stung Marc and Lou(who was listening from his room) like a 50-foot tall yellow jacket. "Yeah?" Vivi asked. "Well, I'll bet you that Lou can prove you wrong!" "If any of you mutants even show one sign of hostility towards the Queen, I'll have you beheaded!" Steiner said, hopping up and down. "Chill, Rusty," Zidane said. "Don't get so worked up." "Lou's been in his room for a long time," Eiko said. "He usually blows stuff off real fast." "I'll go talk to him," Saria said, going into Lou's room. He was sitting on his bed, his head in his hands. "You're... not OK, are you, Lou?" Saria asked. "It's just not fair," Lou moaned. "I didn't ask to be a freak. I didn't ask to have people hate me." "Oh, they do NOT hate you," Saria said, sitting down on the bed next to him. "Dagger's just... nervous around strong, hulky men." "Nervousness leads to fear, and fear leads to hatred," Lou retorted. "I've seen it all, Saria. I predict that not one person in this group will be able to tolerate me within a year." "So what?" Saria asked. "Are you gonna go crying to Dragon Master and ask him to take you under his wing, so that you can make others suffer like they made you?" "Hell no!" Lou said angrily. "I'm going to fight Dragon Master for making all mutants look bad! I'll follow him everywhere until I bring him to justice." "Now you're starting to sound like your old self," Saria said, smiling and patting Lou on the back. "Don't worry about it. You have friends here, Lou. Eiko, Marc, Zidane... and me..." "...Thanks, Saria," Lou said. "Any time," Saria said, getting up and leaving the room. "How is he?" Eiko asked. "He'll be fine," Saria said. "And he'll be even better if tall, fat and stupid over here would keep his mouth shut." "What?" Steiner asked. "You heard. He could hear you through his door! You're definitely not on his Christmas Gift List now." "...Harrumph!" Steiner harrumphed. "He'll turn. They always do." "Why are you so damn prejudiced, Rusty?" Zidane asked angrily. "Why do you not like mutants? Why don't you like mutants when you could hate something worse, like, I don't know, Vivi for being a bloodthirsty Black Mage, or me for being a homicidal Genome destined to destroy Gaia? You decided to take it out on Lou 'cuz his powers aren't visible, and you know he wouldn't retaliate." "Uh..." Steiner said, stepping back. "He's right, Steiner," Dagger agreed. "You're just a big coward." "We're arriving at Alexandria," Marc called from the control room. "Now," Dagger said to Steiner and Beatrix. "I'm treating everyone here as my guests. If either of you try to get the mutants in trouble, you know who's head'll be on the whumping block." "The wh-wh-whumping block?!" Steiner gasped. The whumping block was where you put your head on a platform and people hit it with hard, spiky, feather pillows for an hour. "Very well, your majesty," Beatrix and Steiner stammered, saluting. Dagger walked into the control room to tell Marc where to park the darn ship. Meanwhile, some of the other people were having a discussion. "...What if Steiner's right?" Sara asked. "Lou, Marc and Arc could be the death of us." "Lou won't wig out," Eiko argued. "He's too nice to be homicidal." "Arc good cook," Quina said. "He not all bad." "Marc's... uh..." Vivi tried to argue. "Well, I don't know him that well." The group parked the ship at Alexandria Docking Bay and quietly entered Alexandria Castle, now fully rebuilt and looking better than ever. "What a large castle," Sara said, looking around the red-adorned halls. "Not as big as Lindblum Castle, mind you, but impressive anyway." "At least we were able to repair it quite quickly," Dagger said. "This place was rubble for a while after the Alexander fiasco." "Yeah, I heard about that," Marc said. "Bummer." "'Bummer' is nothing," Steiner said. "Many people died. 'Bummer' can't measure up to those numbers, ruffian!" "What is this?" Marc asked angrily. "Is this 'abuse the mutants day' for you?!" "Chill out, you two," Lou said. "You'll ruin the splendor." "Here's the guest room," Dagger said, leading Lou, Eiko, Vivi, Saria, Sara, Marc, Arc, and Quina into a wonderfully huge room. The sheets on all the beds were satin, and beautiful tapestries lined the walls. "Wowzers," Arc said, looking around. "These here beddies're comfee cozee. Kin ya cook in 'em?" "I'll notify the chefs that you and Quina have access to the kitchens," Dagger said. "Hey, lookie here," Arc said, gazing at the murals. "They's ain't gots no clothes on." "I'm sure you're fascinated by this new object, Arc," Sara said, somewhat grouchily, "but try not to stare too close. You'll ruin the painting by breathing on it." "I call this one," Saria said, slinging her pack onto a large bed. "Uh, where am I going to stay?" Zidane asked. "Oh, I've arranged for special quarters for you," Dagger said, winking. Zidane started to chuckle stupidly. "Heyyy, you soun' lahk me when Ah's all goofy," Arc said. "Stop it. Yer creepin' me out." "We'll talk in the morning," Dagger said. "In the meantime, goodnight everyone." "I guess this means we turn in," Marc said. "Remember, Sara, if you get scared, I'll lend you my fuzzy shoulder to cry on." "That makes no sense at all," Sara sniffed, crawling into her bed between Eiko's and Saria's. "(Sigh) Why does she always put me down?" Marc moaned. "You're so putdownable," Lou said, grinning and patting Marc on the back. Eiko was studying the murals. "Who painted these?" Eiko asked. "I think they were done by the artist Visconti, who was a painter about 500 years ago," Sara said. "He always painted apocalyptic scenes, but this one is surprisingly calm and cool." "This looks like a town," Eiko said, running her fingers over the canvas. "Actually, this looks a lot like Madain Sari's Eidolon Wall..." "Yeah, it does," Lou said, looking closer. "What's this giant, lime-green mound hovering over the entire painting?" "...Hey, all of the Eidolons seem to be trying to push the mound away from the ground," Sara commented. "What are these 14 figures standing here?" Lou asked. "They look like they're watching the mound." "Here's one with an instrument," Eiko pointed out. "And look at this hovering figure here," Sara said. "He's wearing a mask like that 'Jungle Masker' guy we saw in Burmecia." "Could this be a clue as to what Jungle Masker's trying to accomplish?" Lou asked. "Yeah, right!" Eiko said, waving her hand. "This painting's 500 years old! How could Pastrami know Jungle Masker?" "...It's Visconti," Sara corrected. "...This painting gives me the creeps," Lou said. "I'm turning in for the night." "Yeah, good night, Lou," Saria said, turning over in her bed. "Mmmm," Dagger murmured as she nuzzled against Zidane's chest. "I've dreamed of this moment for a long time." "...Yeah, me too," Zidane said, though he wasn't enjoying it. "What's wrong, Zidaney?" Dagger asked, somewhat teasingly. "'Zidaney?...'" Zidane asked. "Just think," Dagger continued. "You may become King Alexandros someday. What's to worry about?" "...That's exactly it," Zidane said. "I'm worried about you, Dagger. All this talk of a Communist takeover... I don't want anything to happen to you. That's why I'm going to fight to the death for you." "Ohhh, let's talk politics some other time," Dagger said, snuggling deeper into Zidane's hairy chest. A faint lapping sound was heard. "...Yeah, you're right," Zidane said, suddenly enjoying where he was. Night fell. All was quiet for the most part. Lou kept having the same unnerving dream, over and over again... Lou was in a dark, crystal room. Holes on each side opened into black nothingness. A figure hovered in the middle of the room. He wore a mask. "Jungle Masker," Lou said. "Ah ha ha!" Jungle Masker laughed. "Do you know who your real friends are, Lou?" "Of course I do," Lou argued. "Eiko, Saria, Marc, Sara... They're all my friends!" "That's what you THINK," Jungle Masker said, making holograms of the rest of the party's members, "but what do you KNOW? You can read people's thoughts, kid. Use that and find out." "So who're you?" Lou asked, frowning. "You don't seem like the best friend one could ever have yourself." "I represent a higher authority," Jungle Masker snickered. "I warn you, stay out of things that don't concern you, or the consequences will be dire." "Consequences?" Lou asked. "What-" Jungle Masker had vanished. Suddenly, Lou looked up and saw Jungle Masker's mask; huger than the sky. Its eyes burned down into his spirit. It's huge, open mouth cackled horribly. Lou's eyes got big. Then they shrank. Then he opened them and found himself back in the guest room. "Wake up!" Lou was shaken awake by Eiko. "Come on, Lou! Dagger's taking us on a tour of the castle! Get up!" "I'm not having a good night," Lou mumbled. "Let me sleep..." "Oh, that's too bad," Eiko said, grinning. "Dagger's got Frosty Puffs for breakfast." That got him. Eiko knew quite well that Frosty Puffs were Lou's absolute favorite breakfast cereal. "I'M UP!!!" he said, leaping out of bed and strapping on his shoes. Dagger lead the party through an extensive tour of Alexandria castle. Finally, the group arrived at the art gallery. "There are paintings of each ruling couple since it started 500 years ago," Dagger said, pointing at the portraits. "Here's Queen Brahne and the king, here's grandfather Rolff... And here's great-grandfather Platt. He was in the Spanish Inquisition." "The Spanish Inquisition?" everyone asked. "Huh," Vivi said. "I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition." "No, DON'T SAY THAT-" everyone yelled. Too late. Three men in red robes with cross over their necks appeared. "NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!" the lead man said. "Our chief weapon is surprise; surprise and fear, uh, fear and surprise, uh, our TWO weapons are... uh..." "Skip it," Lou suggested. "Right," the man said. "You have been accused of heresy on three counts; heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed and heresy by action... FOUR counts. Well, unrighteous creatures, how do you plead?" No one answered. "Where's everybody gone?" the man asked. "Cardinal Fang? CARDINAL FANG!" "Sorry, m'lord," a second man said, returning with the third man. "Just having a bowl of 'Frosty Puffs' with these tourists..." "Shut up," the lead man said. "We must torture these unbelievers. Get... THE COMFY CHAIR!!!" DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!!!! "THE COMFY CHAIR?!" everyone yelled at once. "Comfy Chair?!" Marc asked. "What kind of lame-o torture device is that?!" "That's it," the lead man said. "Cardinal Biggles, put him on the chair first!" "Sorry, m'lord, but we had to sell it, remember?" Cardinal Biggles said. "What?! When?!" the lead man asked. "Ha ha ha! Suckers," the Four-Armed Man said as he reclined in the comfy chair. "Go away," the writer said, turning the book sideways. The three men fell out and landed in a trash can. "Whatever," Eiko said. "Is that it for the tour? I wanna go shopping!" "All right," Dagger said. "Just keep an eye out for Red-Eye and his spies." "I'm gonna go race Hippaul," Vivi said. "Boy, can that kid run." "I'm off to the library," Sara said, walking down the stairs and to the right. "I'm going to go see one of Ruby's plays," Zidane said. "Anyone want to come?" "I'll go," Marc said. "Me too," Lou said. "I'll come too," Saria chimed in. "This'll be fun," Eiko said. "I'm coming, too." The party went off towards the alley that held Ruby's playhouse. "Well, how y'all doin'?!" Ruby asked, smiling happily as the group entered. "Why, Zidane, I haven't seen you in a long time! How ya doin?!" "Good to see you as energetic as ever, Ruby," Zidane said. "We're here to see a play." "Well, ain't that sweet! C'mon in! Actually, we're kinda low on actors right now..." Ruby explained. "How 'bout Lowell?" Vivi asked. "That nut doesn't go out on stage half the time I ask him!" Ruby complained. "What a snob!" "...So, you need actors, huh?" Marc asked. "Look no further! I've been a stage presence since first grade, when I portrayed a worm that lived inside a rotten apple." "Boy, they had you pegged, huh?" Eiko asked. "If y'all could help me out, I'd be mighy grateful," Ruby said, bowing. "I'll help," Lou said. "I wasn't that bad of an actor during the Christmas play... Of course, I expect that the play would've been better if I hadn't started discussing other deities just as Baby Jesus popped out." "Y'all're nuts," Ruby said. "Perfect! Get into these costumes and memorize the lines, will ya?" Zidane read the title of the play. "'I Wuv Yoo.' The tragic romance of a man who can't spell or say the letter 'L' and a flower girl with a third arm." "Ahhh, I had to hire a science fiction writer and a humorist to make this script," Ruby said, laughing nervously. "Hmmm," Lou said, looking over his script. "I'm 'Laverne,' the stupid guy who can't say 'L...' I am Wuverne. Pweased to meetcha." "I'm 'Janette,' the three-armed flower girl," Saria said, observing the plastic arm in her costume. "I can see that I will now be the butt of many jokes with this arm..." "Yeah, we know you'll always be able to lend a hand!" Eiko laughed. Saria hit Eiko with the arm. "I'm 'Florinda,' the rival flower girl with three, uh..." Zidane said, frowning as he looked over the script. "Just talk an octave higher than usual," Marc suggested. "No one'll notice." "I can't raise my voice an octave!" Zidane argued. "How do I do that?" A swift kick from Marc, and Zidane sounded just like a girl. "We're stagehands?" Eiko asked. "Oh, so we get to drop curtains on people and stuff, right?" "Yeah," Ruby said. "Let's begin the play!" Marc said. "I'm the cop who blows people up!" After about 10 minutes, the cast ran out of script. "Ruby, there's only 10 minutes of script here!" Lou shouted. "Uh... Well, it took 5 days to write, so I thought it would take 5 days to read!" Ruby said, shrugging and sticking her tongue out. Everyone fell down. The audience found this amusing, however, and threw money anyway. "So, how're you feeling?" Saria asked Lou later that day. "I've still got a dime in my ear, and I think I swallowed a quarter," Lou groaned. "Curse whoever was handing out cotton candy!" Marc groaned as he yanked out bits of his fur with pink fuzz and coins attached to it. "You think that's bad?" Zidane asked. His tail was tied up in a knot and pink fuzz was strewn all over his clothes. "No one threw me any money." "Uh, Zidane," Lou said. "Would you mind taking the props out now? You're making me nervous." Suddenly, the group heard a huge KABOOM. They looked down a corner to see that a wall of the town had fallen down. A huge man stepped into town from the wreck. He had long, ponytailed hair and blue and red armor. Rubber tubes connected his shoulders and his arms. He wore a blood-red visor over his eyes. He was followed by a bunch of soldiers. "Hear me, Alexandria!" he yelled in his Russian accent. "Your deliverance has come! I, Red-Eye, will deliver the people from the cruel fists of the autocracy!" Red-Eye motioned towards his soldiers. "Go and take the castle! Make sure the royalty don't escape!" "Uh-oh, this isn't good," Eiko said. "Guys! Guys!" Vivi shouted as he ran into the party. "There's a bunch of soldiers heading this way, and... Oh, I see you've found that out already." "We have to warn Dagger!" Zidane said. "Back to the castle!" The group ran pel-mel through the streets, heading for the huge castle. "Let us in! LET US IN!!!" they shouted, hammering on the doors. Steiner answered. "What do you want?" he snapped. "Red-Eye's coming!" Lou shouted. "He's ordered his troops to take the castle and eliminate Dagger!" "Quickly, come in!" Steiner said, pulling them in. "You may be ruffians and mutants, but your assistance would be greatly appreciated." "Can the formalities," Zidane said. "Get Dagger to safety while we all keep the troops from entering!" "OK," Steiner said, running up the stairs. "What all the ruckus?" Quina asked as s/he and Arc appeared at the kitchen door. "Bad men are coming!" Eiko said. "Oh, them com-u-nisses gonna take over th' castle n' sit up a dik-tay-tor-sheep," Arc explained to Quina. "You know, Arc?" Vivi asked. "Hey, Ah may be a hick, but I ain't ill-eenformed," Arc said crossly. "Ah'll help y'all defind th' castle." "Me too," Sara said, emerging from the library. "I'm not pro-autocracy, but I don't want anyone hurt." "Do I count as 'anyone?'" Marc asked. "No," Sara snapped. "Here they come!" Zidane said. The doors were broken down, and troops swarmed through the halls. "You want the Queen? You'll have to go through us first!" Saria called, drawing her knife. "YEAH!" everyone else yelled. The troops gushed at them. Minute after minute, the party fought them back, and eventually the troops withdrew for a little while. "Did we get 'em?" Eiko asked. "Nyet," a voice said. Everyone looked as Red-Eye entered the castle. "The people have spoken. Out with the autocracy! Down with royalty!" "Do you work for Dragon Master?" Lou asked. "I did," Red-Eye said, stopping for a minute. "I left when I found that his plan of government favored the upper-classes. I will not stand for such an atrocity! Out of my way, bourgeoise, or suffer the consequences!" "No way," Vivi said. "Autocat or whatever, Dagger's our friend, and you're not getting her without a fight!" "Oh, a Black Mage of Queen Brahne's!" Red-Eye scoffed. "Of course you'd be defending the royalty. You were constructed to battle for them." "Shut up!" Zidane yelled. "You dis Vivi, you're dissin' all of us!" "You mutants, why do you fight for humans AND autocracy?" Red-Eye asked. "If I were in your shoes, I'd have taken this country years ago!" "Some mutants know better than to be big bullies," Lou growled. "What? You are calling the great Red-Eye 'bully?' For this, you will suffer!" Red-Eye opened his visor. Red-hot laser beams flew from his eyes. They scorched the carpets where they hit and burned the wood. One beam hit Marc and knocked him backwards five feet. "Ahhh! It burns!..." Marc howled, clutching his left arm. "That is why they call me Red-Eye, comrades," Red-Eye said. "ATTAAAAAACK!!!" The troops moved in again and overwhelmed the party. "OK, now we run!" Saria called. Everyone retreated to the Queen's chambers, where Steiner and Beatrix stood guarding Dagger. "What's happening down there?" Beatrix asked. "Sorry," Lou said, shaking his head. "The castle's going down. We'd better make for the airship." "You!" Steiner said, grabbing Lou, Marc and Arc all at once and shaking them hard. "You filthy mutant vermin! I knew we couldn't trust you!" "Owwww! Yo, Rusty, we gots bigger problems than mootint vermins right now," Arc shouted as he shook. "Arc right!" Quina shouted. "Red-Eye coming soon! We need flee now!" "Here, your majesty," Beatrix said. "I know of a secret route to the airship docks." "Oho!" Red-Eye laughed as he knocked the door down. "We are having a party?" "Quickly!" Beatrix yelled, grabbing a candlestick and yanking it. A door slid open behind them. Everyone ran through it, sealing it behind them. "Fools," Red-Eye sneered. "They will not be able to flee from the iron hand of the people!" He turned to his troops. "Burn this castle to the ground! This haven of autocracy must be purified!" The entire party was safe in the Dauntless as the castle was set ablaze. Dagger watched in horror as the castle caved in on itself and burned up within five minutes. "Damn that Red-Eye!" Zidane said, pounding his fist on the wall. "Looks like they won after all," Sara said, shaking her head. "I didn't expect Red-Eye to be so violent..." "That rotten maggot will pay for this someday!" Steiner cursed angrily. "As long as the Queen is safe, we shall return!" "..." Dagger said, peering out the window as the Dauntless flew back towards Lindblum. "That just blew," Marc said, frowning. The Dauntless sailed over Evil Forest. "Yeah, I didn't expect those guys to show up that fast," Eiko said. "Sheesh!" "Hey..." Lou said, looking out the window and back at his map. "This isn't the way back to Lindblum." "Who's flying the ship?!" Zidane asked. Everyone looked at everyone else. "Uh-oh," Zidane said, slapping his hand against his forehead. They all ran into the cockpit. A strange man was piloting the controls. His hair was knotted up, and he wore a black, leather jacket with a Hammer-and-Sickle icon on its side. He noticed the party and stood up and faced them. He WAS A CYCLOPS. "Ah, good day, comrades!" he said in a thick accent. "Welcome to Red-Eye airlines. Our next and ONLY definition is the bottom of the ocean. Fasten your seatbelts, and no smoking." "Who're YOU?!" Lou demanded. "I am Lugian, Red-Eye's brother," Lugian explained. "I am his master spy. I am also a very good FIGHTER!" Lugian body-slammed Lou backwards. "Owww, that hurt!" Lou exclaimed. "Can you fire lasers with that eye, too?" Saria asked. "Da," he said, firing a giant, blue ray at the party. "EEEEE!!!" Sara screamed as the ray hit her leg. "You $##^%!!!" She fired her Winchester right into his thigh. "GYAAHHH!!!" Lugian yelled. "I may be going down, but so are you," he sneered. He shot a beam at the controls and fused them. "Dosvedonya, comrades!" he laughed loudly, then fell over and died. "He didn't spell that right, did he?" Vivi asked. "Nuh-uh," Dagger said, shaking her head. "I wanna try something," Eiko said, taking out her flute and playing the Song of the Ancients. Lugian's body withered away, and a mask was left in its place. "Hey, I got the Cyclops Mask!" Zidane said, taking the mask and holding it up. "That mask allows the wearer to fire deadly rays from the eye, and also to see through illusions," Sara explained. "It'll come in handy!" "Shouldn't we concentrate on LANDING?!" Beatrix asked angrily, trying to unfuse the controls. "We're gonna crash!!!" Marc shouted. "MOMMY!!!" The Dauntless crashed headlong into a long, winding canyon. After sliding about 50 yards, it came to a halt. Everyone was A-OK, except for one person who got a bruise on his/her ankle. I'm not going to say who because it's irrelevant. "We're alive?" Marc asked. "Uh, about the 'Mommy' thing..." "Lips're sealed," Lou said, grinning. "Zidane, are you all right?" Dagger asked. Zidane sat up. He looked bulkier than usual. He turned towards Dagger and she gasped. "What's wrong? Oh." Eiko said. "I guess the Cyclops Mask fell on my face while we were crashing, comrades," Zidane said in a thick accent. "Aw, geez," Saria said, frowning. "You'd think that the mask would blunt any accents..." "The ship be broked," Arc said, looking around. "Aww, kitchen oven not working anymore!" Quina whined. "How I supposed to eat Stuffed Gopher now?" "All the systems are down," Beatrix concluded, examining the control panels. "We're screwed," Lou said. "My people always say that any landing you can walk away from is good landing!" Cyclops Zidane said. "Stuff it, eye-boy," Marc snapped. "Where are we? That's the important thing," Eiko said. Lou looked out the window. "Some kind of canyon," he said. "The sun's setting... It'll be night soon." "There's no grass," Sara said. "...And since there aren't any canyons on the Mist Continent, I'd have to conclude that we're not ON the Mist Continent." "...Is this where I think it is?" Beatrix asked, a scowl darkening her face. "Where do you think it is?" Steiner asked. "This must be Oelivert Canyon," Beatrix said. "Oelivert? We flew that far already?!" Vivi asked. "Since the Mist lifted, this place has been haunted by undead ghosts and zombies," Beatrix explained. "It's also the home of Dr. Albert Necromaster, the most gruesome scientist that ever lived." "Necromaster?" Lou asked. "I've heard that name before... It seems that he was arrested for trying to use corpses for biological weapons..." "Sorry I have to stop now, but I have an English assignment," the writer said. "I'll stop now." "Where were we?" Beatrix asked, looking over the script. "Oh, yeah. This is Oelivert Canyon-" "We already did that," Lou said, snatching the script and ripping out a few pages. "Skip ahead to here." "OK. Necromaster's lab is below Oelivert." "Nice place to stick a lab," Marc said. "I mean, there's no one here. Just us and the zombies." "Necromaster..." Beatrix growled. "I thought I nailed that jerk for good..." "Beatrix?" Steiner asked. "It was before you joined the knights," Beatrix explained. "Necromaster tried to conquer Alexandria. Brahne ordered me and my troops to dispatch the problem. It was awful... My knights fell like flies against his mummies and werewolves... I was the only one left after about three hours... I fought with all my might... Fortunately, the zombies couldn't withstand my Seiken attacks, and soon I was at Necromaster's chariot myself. I totaled his army and sent him to jail... Of course, he got out on good behavior about three years ago... I always suspected that he was behind the undead creatures around the world, but I had no proof..." "Necromaster created the undead monsters?" Zidane asked. "Yes," Beatrix said. "Zombies, Dracozombies, Skeletons... Necromaster created them all. Well, those days are finally over. I'm gonna stop him once and for all!" "You're not going alone, are you?" Dagger asked. "Actually, you definitely aren't. As Queen of Alexandria, I order you to take us all with you." "It's too dangerous, your Majesty..." Beatrix tried to argue. "I won't have anyone here hurt because of my grudge." "Enough with the guilt trip," Sara said. "I know we disagree on politics, but I'm coming with you, Beatrix!" "Freya told me that she was coming here to find out what Necromaster was up to, and she never came back," Zidane said. "I want to find out what's happened to her." "We's all comin, Beetricks," Arc slurred. "Maybe Zombie's good eatin'!" "I agree with Arc," Quina said. "Mummy taste good, why not zombie?" "I'll follow you everywhere, Beatrix," Steiner said. "OK, you've convinced me," Beatrix said, sighing. "We'll all go." "The airship's pretty busted," Marc noted. "Even if we stop Necromaster, we won't be able to leave." "I'll call Cid right now, and ask him to come and fix it," Sara said, grabbing a cell phone. "Can I have Regent Cid, please?... Well, get him out of the bathroom! This is important!... I don't CARE how bad his stomach cramps are! I want him NOW!!!... Well, tell him to stand over a bucket while he takes the call! JEEZ! Yeah, Cid? Look, can you send Erin and a repair crew to Oelivert Canyon? The Dauntless got pretty smashed up. Thanks, pal. Uh... Well, that didn't sound too nice. I'd recommend you see a specialist. OK, bye bye." Sara hung up, and turned back to her disgusted-looking comrades. "WHAT?!" she asked. "Nothing. Let's just go," Lou said, shrugging. The group stepped out of the airship into a dusty no-man's land. All that could be heard was the sound of the wind... And a few crows. "I'm chilly," Eiko said, shivering. "But it's 96 degrees out here!" Marc said, checking his pocket thermometer. Suddenly, a boy band appeared and started dancing around. "Bad joke," Quina said. "If were food, joke would taste bad." Suddenly, a gang of skeletons shot up out of the ground and dragged the boy band down into the earth. "Thank you," Lou grumbled. "Let's get moving," Beatrix said. "Necromaster's gotta be here somewhere..." They walked for hours, seeing nothing but the same scenery over and over. "So hungryyyy..." Arc moaned, slowing from a sprint to a power-walk. "At least you can run," Zidane groaned. "That's it. I'm switching to Rootor. They can withstand heat longer." Zidane slapped on his Rootor mask and continued the trek brisker than before. "Where's Oelivert?" Dagger groaned. "We should've been there by now..." "Whoops," Beatrix said, looking at her map. "We've been going the wrong way! Guess we'll have to head back the other way." She noticed everyone glaring at her. "What?" she asked innocently. The group trudged back to the broken Dauntless and continued in the other direction. "OK, if we don't find Oelivert by sunset, I'm going back to the ship," Vivi said. "Zombies come out at night... Zombies far worse than the ones at Iifa Tree. These suckers can paralyze you just by looking at you!" "You think I don't know that?!" Beatrix asked. "I've fought these dudes on my home turf, you know." "Oh, quit arguing," Dagger said. "We're all tired and cranky. Heck, I'm the freakin' tiredest Queen in Alexandrian history!" "Hey, what're those?" Lou asked, pointing at five strange animals up ahead. The animals growled. They all had massive fur coats, and blood-red eyes. Their fangs dripped drool, and their claws were razor sharp. "...Werewolves!" Beatrix gasped. "If they bite you, you become a werewolf! Watch out for that!" "Hey, that one in the lead looks awfully familiar," Eiko said, peering at the lead wolf. "Are you nuts? They're bloodthirsty werewolves!" Zidane choked in his little Rootor voice. "Have you ever seen a werewolf with a red afro?" Eiko asked. "Now that you mention it..." Steiner said, looking closer. "He does look like that red-haired rogue." "You really think it's Amarant?" Vivi asked. "One way to find out," Marc said, his spiked knuckle glistening in the setting sun's light. The wolves roared loudly and headed for the party. "Let's give 'em heck!" Saria said, her knife drawn and ready. Both groups attacked viciously. A wolf bit Lou's ankle. He slammed his rod down hard on its skull, and it fell doubly-dead(werewolves are undead). Another wolf chased Eiko and Vivi up a cliffside. Madeen appeared and took care of it. "Thanks, Madeen!" Eiko said, giving the tranced moogle a thumbs-up. "Let's wrap this up," Steiner said. "Climhazard!" Steiner sliced the last wolves until they were too worn to fight anymore. "Let me try something," Eiko said, playing the Song of the Ancients again to the afroed wolf. The wolf howled loudly and morphed into Amarant, the apathetic freelancing bounty hunter. A mask fell at his feet. Zidane picked it up. "I got the Werewolf Mask!" Zidane said happily. "Amarant, are you OK?" Eiko asked. "Urrghhh... What happened?" Amarant asked. "Last thing I remember is bein' attacked by a band of wolves... Hey, where'd you guys come from?" "Everything's OK now," Dagger said, helping him stand up. "You should be glad we were here." "Huh," Amarant said. "Well, I bet you're wonderin' what I'm doing in a dump like this." "...Not hunting Necromaster?" Lou asked. "Bingo. I heard that there was a huge treasure in Oelivert, but when I came to check it out, Necromaster's goons jumped me, and here I am. Now Oelivert is surrounded by a dark barrier, and no one can get in." "I bet the Ballad of Healing Rain would break that barrier," Sara suggested. "Mister Amarant, why don't you come along with us? We're headed to Oelivert ourselves. We'll get rid of Necromaster, and find your treasure," Beatrix said. "Heh. You guys sure have guts. OK, you've convinced me. I'll tag along for now..." Amarant said. "Besides, I have a good feel for the territory around here." "Sounds good," Zidane said, taking off his Rootor Mask. "Let's go." "Woah, you can change form with those masks?" Amarant asked. "That must make you one tough little dude." "It helps," Zidane said, shrugging. "C'mon, let's go." Squall stood with his back to the camera, scratching his butt and picking his nose. "Way down upon the Swanee River~" he sang badly. He then noticed the camera. "Uh, hey! Thanks for giving me some more time, and... Hey! HEY!!!" "Good morning," Crono said. "My name is Crono, and I like to take a shower every morning before I go mad. Mad, mad, mad. Mad once, mad twice..." "I use a body rub called 'halitosis,'" Sabin said. "Compared to the rest of my body, it makes my breath smell sweet." "...Am I on?" Sakura asked. "Oh, well." The party trudged on through the harsh canyon for more hours. "My legs are going to fall off," Eiko groaned. "Lou, will you carry me?" "...Sure," Lou muttered, hiking Eiko up on his back. "We'll be at Oelivert in a few minutes," Amarant said, pointing up ahead. "See that dome? That's Oelivert Observitory. It's just above Oelivert." "And Majora Village is just a few miles away," Saria added. "You can meet my family, Lou!" "Say what?" Lou asked. "...Nothing," Saria said, turning her head away. "How's Necromaster's defense?" Zidane asked. "Hard," Amarant answered. "...(I take it he doesn't say a lot?)" Sara whispered to Dagger. "(Yeah, he's the strong, silent type,)" Dagger whispered back. "(Of course, Zidane's more fun.)" Suddenly, something dashed right in front of the group. "What the?!" Amarant said, backing up. "What's wrong, red?" Marc asked. "Oh, no..." Lou said, shaking his head. "What? What's wrong? I don't get it!" Eiko asked. Everyone watched as Creed landed in front of them, complete in his Slash Man costume. "So, Lou. We meet again... Haven't seen you since we were tossed out of Navi City... Now I'm gonna finish what I started!" "Slash Man!" Lou growled, his fists tightening. "How nice of you to remember my alias," Creed laughed, his claws glistening in the sunlight. "Hey, how's it going, bro?" "Bro?" Saria asked. "You know who I'm talkin' to, doncha, bro?" Creed said. "...Stop it, Creed," Amarant growled. "Don't tell me," Beatrix said. "Amarant and Creed are brothers." "Seperated at birth," Creed laughed mockingly. "Amarant could never fess up to the fact that his lil' bro was better than he ever could be." "Shut up, you little whelp," Amarant growled, shaking his clawed fist. "Hey, I thought you came looking for me," Lou said, going into a fighting stance. "I did, but it's more fun if I can take out 2 nuisances at once! Come on, you twits!" Creed's claws shot out longer than before. "My mutant powers have evolved further than ever! Let's go!" "Be careful, you guys!" Dagger cautioned. "Filthy mutant," Steiner grumbled. "I would expect this." The three warriors formed a triangle; Amarant and Lou facing Slash Man. "Take this!" Creed shouted, slashing towards the two with blinding speed. He hit Amarant in the shoulder and Lou in the chest with his claws. "Owww!" Lou groaned as he hit the dust. "You OK, kid?" Amarant asked, helping him up. "Thanks, pal," Lou said. "We'll have to work together to squash this punk. You keep him distracted while I psychically stun him." "OK," Amarant said. "Yo, Creed! You want to fight? How 'bout you take on your big brother, one on one? Leave the kid out of this!" "Gladly," Creed gloated, his claws diving straight for Amarant's chest. Amarant blocked the attack and started fighting back. Lou managed to sneak up behind them. "Hi, Creed!" Lou said as he launched his psychic wave at Slash Man. Slash Man was thrown off balance and flew about five feet before hitting the dust. His right claw dug into his right ankle. "You %$$^$%!!!" Creed swore. "I'll be back... And next time, you're ALL in for it!" He hopped away over the canyon walls. "There's Oelivert," Saria said, pointing at the huge, odd set of buildings. "Let's see if we can find Necromaster's lair," Beatrix said. "Let's split up. Steiner, Marc, Sara, Vivi, Eiko, Zidane, Dagger and Amarant, you're with me. Lou, you take Arc, Quina and Saria." "Jeez," Lou grumbled. "A tad lonely, are we, Beatrix?" "My team will take the mountainous passage to the back of the buildings," Beatrix stated. "Lou, you guys go straight through the buildings and knock out any alarm systems and destroy any enemies." "Yes, ma'am," Lou mumbled. "(Geez, she's worse than my mom...)" Lou, Arc, Quina and Saria plodded towards the massive buildings. "Lou, why Beatrix stick us with you?" Quina asked. "Yeah," Arc argued. "I reckon she gots a beef with me... Think she's a Shepardson orn a Grangerford?" "Beatrix has got to learn that her power as a general stops when she leaves Alexandria," Saria said. "Actually, she's not employed by Alexandria anymore anyway." "I don't mind," Lou said. "Folks have been taking advantage of me and stomping on me all my life. I'm used to it." "As long as there food, I follow anyone," Quina said cheerfully. "Hmmm," Lou said, digging around in his knapsack. "Here's a Butterfinger, Quina." "Oh boy!" Quina said, chomping the candy down fast. "Urrrghhh... How you get so big eating food of this kind? I just kidding. That great!" The foursome marched up to the great big doors. "So, how do we open it?" Lou asked. "I reckon I'll knock it down with mah sooper speed!" Arc said, revving up to crash into the door. He tripped and slammed against the door. Nothing happened. "What?! Why ain't Ah gots mah sooper speed no more?" he asked. "Maybe I can bend it open with my psychic powers..." Lou said, straining his head. Nothing happened. "What?..." "I remember hearing that there was a magical barrier around this place," Saria said. "Magic and mutant powers are useless." "Great," Lou said. "All four of us use magic." "'Sokay, bubba," Arc said, thrusting his pitchfork in-between the doors. "I's learns a few things from 15 years o' sloppin' chickins n' greasin' hogs! YEEEEHAAAAA!!!!!" Arc yanked really hard, and the doors shot open. They didn't try to close again. "Nice work, Arc," Lou said. "Let's get in there and shut off the defenses." "Maybe there good food?" Quina asked, rushing into the interior of the huge building. "Wait up, Kuh-weena!" Arc shouted, chasing after her at a personally slow speed. "Wait, there might be monsters!" Lou cautioned. "Oh, why am I bothering?" Lou and Saria chased after the two hungry folks. Lou looked around the building as they ran. It was hauntingly empty. A huge, shell-shaped window gazed out into the canyon. "Sure is a lonely place," Lou said, gazing around. "Hey, what're those?" "Don't touch them!" Saria warned. "They're Epitaphs. They don't start moving until you bump into them. Then they create a mirror image of you, which kills you and takes your place!" "OK, I won't," Lou said, taking his hand away from the greenish-black casket. "Where'd Arc and Quina go?" Saria asked. "They must've gone that way," Lou said, pointing at a door. "It's the only way to go." "Shhh! Listen!" Saria hissed. She strained to hear. "...I hear the same sound those mummies in Lindblum made!" "Uh-oh..." Lou said. "If Arc and Quina went in there..." Suddenly, there was a large shrieking sound. Then the mummies were heard no more. "Arc, Quina, what happened?" Lou shouted. No answer. Lou and Saria entered the room. Dead-again mummies lay strewn about the room with certain limbs ripped off. Further up the steps, Arc and Quina sat gnawing on bandaged appendages. "Hey, Lou!" Quina shouted. "Dig in! Plenty for you and Saria." "Ewwww," Lou said, his face going green. "Do you two even know what that IS?" "Best mummy Ah's ever stuck mah teeth in," Arc said, biting the leg again. "Arc, mummies are DEAD HUMANS," Saria explained. Arc's eyes got huge. He hurled the limb on the ground and started barfing. "What wrong?" Quina asked, still chewing on her mummy's arm. "Heh heh heh," Lou chuckled. "Quina, you've got some bandage on your face." Suddenly, Saria looked around. "What is this place?" she asked. "There are giant, metal heads on the walls..." "Yeah, it's pretty creepy..." Lou said. He walked up further towards a large podium. "What's going on here?" Suddenly, a head right in front of them lit up and started talking. "Blah blah blah blah," the head said. "What the?!" Saria asked. Arc threw up again. "Hey, it be a big, red head..." he choked. "Visitors, stand on the platform," the head said. "Should we?" Lou asked. "Why not?" Saria said. Lou, Arc, Saria and Quina mounted the platform. The platform lifted up into the air. The head started talking again. "This is a living record of the history of Terra, volume two," the head said. Several other heads appeared and all of them started talking in unison... "Terra was destroyed by a Genome named Kuja... He was full of rage and hatred at his creator, Garland, and other things... When Kuja was disabled and Necron destroyed, Kuja's evil spirit left his body and contained itself in the form of a mask... Whoever wears this mask is controlled by it until Kuja's goal is achieved... Kuja is merging all of Terra's unfree souls into a second planet; Terra II. Once the planet is complete, Kuja plans to use it to eliminate Gaia and get his revenge... In order to defeat Kuja, one must... System error. No remaining data. Please stand by for automatic screen saver." All the heads started singing gansta rap... Badly, I might add. Everyone covered their ears. "MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!" Lou screamed. "I's gonna pook agin," Arc slurred, bending over and dropping his load on one of the heads. "Ick! Watch it!" the head yelled at him. "Yo muddah fluggah gotta tan wit jo C, ah live in los dineros an' ah like ta climb tree..." the heads kept rapping. "Shut up! Shut up!" Saria shouted angrily. Lou jumped off the platform and ran out of the room. After everyone was back in the previous room, Lou slammed the door shut. "Ughhh..." Lou gasped. "That was awful..." "At least we learned something," Saria said. "Let's keep going." "I learn that I hate gangsta rap," Quina said. "It give me indigestion." "YOU'VE got indigestion?!" Arc asked sarcastically. "Ah reckon mah stomach gonna come out mah pie hole!" "Let's go," Lou said, opening another door. "I wonder why the Terrans equipped those heads with the ability to sing?" Saria asked. "I don't know and I don't care," Lou said, cringing. "Whoo! What a nightmare." The group kept walking through dark halls and high stairways, avoiding contact with the sleeping Epitaphs strewn about. "Hey, what's that?" Saria asked, pointing to a huge statue. It's eyes seemed to be glaring right into the party's souls... "I bet that's the security system's computer," Lou said. "We have to shut it off." "Leave to me," Quina said. S/he walked up to the machine and studied it for a second. S/he then lashed it at one point with his/her tongue and it all shut off. "I have minor in security engineering," s/he boasted. "I know this stuff." "Now that the system's off, let's scram!" Lou said. They all turned around to leave when something landed in front of them. "Jungle Masker!" Lou said. "Ho ho ho," Jungle Masker snickered. "So, you came to stop Necromaster? That's very brave of you. Unfortunately, I need his research for my master plan. I can't let you interfere." "Ha ha ha," Arc laughed. "You gots a funny mask on, mister mask guy." "You dare laugh at me?" Jungle Masker asked, getting angry. "Fine. Well, I hope you like prison food, 'cuz that's where you're going. I'm impervious to Oelivert's barrier, so I can cast magic!" Jungle Masker hit the security computer with a Thundara spell. It lit up and strated shooting alarms everywhere. Zombies and Mummies came from every direction. "FREEEEEEEZE...." they moaned. Jungle Masker snickered like he always did, and vanished. "Oooh... We screwed?" Quina asked, putting his/her hands up. "We screwed," Lou answered as the others put their hands up. "Well, well, well..." Dr. Necromaster said as he hobbled up in front of the party. "Party crashers." "Yeah? There's a partee here?" Arc asked. "Ah didn't see no partee. You throw lousee partees, man! You must be a Sheperdson! They don't knows how ta partee." "Shut up, redneck," Necromaster said, slapping Arc across the face. "As for the rest of you, I'm sure that I can find a suitable occupation for you... In my army of the undead! Escort them to the dungeon, my noble warriors!" Freya and Fratley appeared, half-swathed in bandages. They grabbed two people at once and carried them off down some stairs. "OK, I just hope that Beatrix had a plan 'B,'" Saria said. "Dammit..." Lou growled. Meanwhile, the rest of the group was crossing the rocky ledges around Oelivert. "Do you think that Lou and the others are OK?" Dagger asked. "Your majesty, you needn't concern yourself with such matters," Beatrix said. "What?!" Dagger asked. "I think she means 'don't worry, they'll be OK,'" Eiko said. "At least, that's what I hope she means..." "I didn't mean that," Beatrix said. "I meant that nobody needs to worry about them ever again." "What?!" Marc asked. "Necromaster's lair will be well guarded. I pretty much have sent them on a suicide mission," Beatrix explained. "What?!" Steiner asked. "You've sent four of our comrades to their doom?!" "Relax," Beatrix said. "I've been studying each party member's fighting style. I've deduced that the four I sent were the most useless in the group. It's no big loss." "What the hell were you thinking?!" Eiko asked angrily. "Lou and Saria are my friends!" "Where would we be without them?!" Zidane asked. "Lou's the person who found me when I was a Rootor!" "Beatrix, you've gotta stop thinking like a general and more like a member of the team!" Dagger said. "This is disgraceful! Not only have you shamed the Alexandrian crown, but you've sent four noble warriors to their doom!" "Uhhh..." Beatrix stammered. "Wait and see! We won't need them! We knights will be able to stop Necromaster ourselves!" "What's gotten into you, Beatrix?!" Steiner asked. "You've wigged out!" Zidane yelled. "They were trash!" Beatrix argued. "I've heard enough of your lip!" Sara said, slapping Beatrix across the face. "Illogical, yes, weird, yes, but trash? NO! I never agreed with them, but that's no excuse to toss their lives away like playing cards in a discard pile!" "Excuse me," the writer said. "I have to let my little brother practice now. Good night." "Where were we?" Beatrix asked. "Oh, yeah." She slapped Sara back. "How dare you slap the top general of Alexandria!" "Don't you get it, Beatrix?" Dagger asked. "Alexandria's gone for now. There's no nobility, and no knights to protect the nobility. You're on the same level as all of us now." "But your majesty!" Beatrix protested. "I'm surely the most qualified to lead this party-" "This party doesn't have a leader!" Eiko yelled. "This party's based on mutual teamwork and friendship! You can't just start barking out orders like some dictator." "I... ergh... You..." Beatrix stammered. "We can't afford to have any screwups when Necromaster's attacking! I need the best and brightest we have!" "...This isn't about not liking the others, is it?" Steiner asked. "You just don't want Necromaster to get away." "Of course not!" Beatrix argued. "I detest mutants as much as you!" "Oh, I'm sooo hurt," Marc grumbled. "No, this isn't about what you like and don't like," Steiner continued. "You loathe Necromaster as one loathes intestinial flu. You don't want any slip-ups when apprehending him, and you want the strongest fighters you can get so you ensure that Necromaster is vanquished! For shame. They may be mutants and troublemakers, but they are comrades, and knights never leave their friends behind! Has your rage blinded you to that?!" "....." Beatrix said. She stood there, staring at the sky for a minute. "Dammit, what have I done?" Beatrix asked herself angrily. "OK, we have to make sure those four come out alive! Who's with me?!" "There you go, acting like a general again," Dagger said. "Give it a rest, Beet," Zidane said. "Oh... Ha ha ha..." Beatrix laughed sheepishly. It began to get dark. "Let's find shelter for the night," Amarant said. "No telling what'll pop up around here at night." "Look, here's a cave!" Sara said, pointing to a jutting hole in the canyonside. The group dashed into a large cavern with a huge, purple pool in the middle. Skeletons of dead animals and humans lay scattered about the room. "Not exactly big on decoration, are they?" Marc asked. "Hey, is that an organ over there?" Vivi asked. There was an organ at the back of the room. A man sat at the organ. He was skinny and gray and he wore a mask over the left side of his face. "What business do you have here at Oelivert, where only the dead can roam?" he asked the travelers without even turning around. "Well, we-" Zidane started. "Silence!" the man hissed. "This is not a place for ones so full of life as yourselves... Or are you wishing to join the ranks of the dead?" "No, it's not-" Steiner started. "In that case, sleep quietly to the tune that I, Fantome, greatest musical writer in Oelivert, shall play..." the man continued. "...And join the ranks of the dead." Fantome began playing a slow, low organ piece. "That's a stange song..." Dagger moaned. "I feel sleepy..." Sara said, starting to sink towards the ground. "G'night..." Marc said, flopping onto the group. "This isn't good..." Beatrix moaned as she hit the floor, too. "We're toast..." Zidane said, slunking towards the ground. Within seconds, everyone was on the verge of death. "Maybe... He melts," Eiko wheezed, playing The Ballad of Healing Rain with her last breath. Rain began to fall. What is this melody?! NO!!!!" Fantome yelled. The rain splashed down on the organ, and it melted into nothing. So did Fantome. So did the magical barrier around Oelivert. "Hey, what just happened?" Zidane asked. "I was so tired a minute ago," Dagger said. "But now I'm as energetic as a sugared-up tyke." "The barrier around Oelivert has lifted," Vivi pointed out. "Let's go rescue the others!" The party charged off down the hill towards the silent city. "So, what're you going to do with us now?" Lou asked from behind the bars of his cell. "That's not for you to worry about," Necromaster said, glaring at Lou. "I have need of your mutant powers. You'll be a very useful specimen with your ability to read minds..." "So, you just want to use my powers, huh?" Lou asked. "What is that? I'm either loathed for being a mutant or being captured for my abilities. Either way, no one likes the real me..." "Slience!" Necromaster said, waving his hand. "Your prattle bores me. I also have plans for your other friends... That White Mage will come in handy, I'm sure..." Necromaster walked off, chuckling silently to himself. Lou plopped down in the corner of the cell. "Life never cuts me a break, does it?" Lou asked himself. "Beatrix sent me on a suicide mission, probably because I'm a goddam mutant... Just another prejudiced jerk... What'm I supposed to do?.." "We're almost there," Zidane said. "We just have to be really quiet right now..." "Uh-oh," Steiner moaned. "I've got that feeling, guys..." "Oh no," Dagger cried. "Hold it in, big guy!" "Don't do it, Steiner! Don't-" Beatrix started. Too late. Steiner let fly with the hugest belch anyone had ever heard. A zombie guard overheard and turned on the huge searchlights. "SOMEONE BETTER SAY 'EXCUSE ME!!!'" he yelled. "Way to go, Rusty," Marc grumbled. "OK, now we run," Eiko suggested. "Look, there's a hole." "OK," everyone agreed, running towards the huge hole as gangs of zombies and mummies emerged from the gates of Oelivert. They all leaped into the hole and fell down a huge, dark shaft. "EYAAAAA!!!!!" Vivi yelled. "I HATE THIS!!!" "You don't have to yell," Sara griped, clamping her ears shut with her hands. PLOP! Everyone landed in a huge bed of straw. Zidane looked around as he sat up. "Ughhh... Where are we?" he asked. "This seems to be the ruins of an ancient castle..." Sara said. "Look, here's a sign; ANCIENT CASTLE OF OELIVERTIA." "Oelivertia? I've read about that," Dagger said. "It was a proud civilization predating the Mist Continent. It was buried in a huge sandstorm and sealed at the bottom of the canyon." "Perfect place for a gang of zombies, I'd say," Amarant grumbled, standing up. "We might as well explore," Beatrix said, opening the huge door in front of them. It opened into a large throne room. "What the heck?" Marc asked. "This place looks pretty lively to me." On the throne sat a skeleton wearing regal robes. "Must've been the king," Sara said. Suddenly, the ground started shaking, and the skeleton's eye sockets lit up with a strange, red glow. "I AM the king!!!" the skeleton roared, standing up and scaring the bejeezus out of everyone. "Who are you, that brings the unthinkable into a land so dark as Oelivertia?!" "What's unthinkable?" Steiner asked. "The light that guides you has cost me many of my finest soldiers," the king said, grabbing a sword and a shield. "Of course, now that you are beneath the sunlight, I rule supreme. I shall now show you what true darkness really is." The king leaped out of the throne, bearing down on the party with his mighty sword. "Feel the wrath of the Apocalypse blade!" he yelled, slicing away at each party member. "Hey, watch it with that!" Eiko yelled. "Firaga!" Vivi shouted, shooting a huge fireball at the king. He just blocked it with his shield. "Spiker Strike!" Marc shouted, teleporting behind the king and jabbing at him witn his spiked knuckle. The king whipped around and knocked Marc against the wall with his shield. "Let me try," Zidane said, putting on his new Werewolf Mask. He became a snarling, drooling, fanged wolf. He charged the king and knocked him to the ground, scattering his bones this way and that. "That's one way to blast skeletons," he growled happily. "Uh, Zidane..." Dagger said, pointing. The bones were flying back together. The king was reassembled, and he slashed Zidane in the shoulder. Zidane flew backwards and his mask fell off. He reverted to plain old Zidane. "OK, no physical attacks or Black Magic hurt him," Sara deduced. "Man, if Lou was here, we might be able to use psychic powers..." "All right, I said I was sorry!" Beatrix said. "Let's see him taste my Shock attack!" "Correction; our TWIN Shock attack," Steiner said as both knights hit the king with their swords at the same time. He fell apart again. "Fools! You will never beat me!" he laughed as he started to put himself back together. "How 'bout this? TERRA HOMING!!!" Eiko shouted as she summoned Madeen. Madeen appereared and shot the king with a Holy blast of light. The king shrieked in inhuman pain, and his bones melted into nothing. His head remained. "...I am free of the torment set upon me..." the head said as it hovered over the party. "I am King Ivanos Du Ivanoso, 40th king of Oelivertia. Our dead souls were at peace until the Mist lifted and Necromaster appeared. He is using my citizens to wage war on the world... You who do not fear the dead, go to Necromaster and destroy his evil plans... Shine the light of justice over my kingdom, and we shall bother the living no more..." The head vanished into nothingness, and a door behind the throne opened up. "So, Necromaster doesn't create the monsters," Vivi said. "He enslaves them." "Come on, we have to stop Necromaster," Marc said. "Our friends are in trouble!" "I'm right behind you, Marc," Beatrix said quietly. The party galloped up the steps behind the throne and found themselves in Necromaster's lab. "Just like the one in Lindblum," Eiko said. "Limbs and bandages and toilet paper everywhere." "If that slimy man hurts the others in any way, I'll-" Beatrix growled, her fists tightening. "I've never seen Beatrix this angry before," Dagger commented. "Are you going to let your anger rule you, Beatrix?" Steiner asked. "You'll never defeat Necromaster that way." "......You're right. I have to control myself," Beatrix said. Suddenly, a figure emerged from the door across the room. It lurched towards the party, a huge spear in its hand. "Omigod! Freya!" Zidane exclaimed. "I...Will...Kill...All..." she growled, swinging her lance at the party. "Look out! She's half mummy!" Marc shouted. "Yo, Freya, don't ya remember me? Old Marc? We lived next door to each other." "GRRRR!!!" Freya yelled, charging right at Marc. "She remembers, all right," Marc said, jumping out of the way. "We have to calm her down!" Dagger said. "Leave that to me," Eiko said, pulling out her flute. She played the Song of the Ancients. Freya grabbed her ears and let out an unearthly shriek, and then all of her bandages melted into a puddle on the floor that became a mask of a mummy. Zidane picked it up. "I got the Mummy Mask!" Zidane said. "Freya, are you OK?" "Zidane?" Freya asked. "What happened? I remember breaking into Necromaster's lab, and then all went blank... Fratley! Necromaster's got Fratley! You have to help, Zidane!" "Leave it to me," Beatrix growled, drawing her sword. "Wait, Beatrix!" Steiner yelled, following Beatrix into the next room. Everyone else followed. The next room was huge, like a battle arena. Dr. Necromaster stood on the other side, zombified Fratley on his left, Lou, Saria, Quina and Arc in cages on his right. "So, you finally showed up," Necromaster said. "Yay! You guys finally came!" Saria cheered. "Didn't expect you guys to come," Lou grumbled. "Whaddya want now?" "Necromaster, let them go!" Beatrix demanded. "And I'm taking you in!" "Oh, and how do you plan to do that?" Necromaster asked. "Alexandria is no longer your home. Where will you take me? No one will believe you when you have no proof." "There's proof enough here!" Beatrix argued. "Well, you obviously won't be around to tell about it," Necromaster said. "Get them." Fratley charged at the party. "Fratley, stop!" Freya called. No effect. "I'll just stop him, too," Eiko said, playing the Song of the Ancients again. Fratley became his normal self, and a mask dropped to the ground. "I got the Mummy Mask!" Zidane said. "Hey, didn't this already happen?" "Well then," Necromaster said, growling. "I guess you'll have to face me now, one on one, Beatrix..." "Oh, yeah," Beatrix said. "But what can you do, you old crone?" "This," Nercromaster said, roaring very loud. His body turned completely gray and he sprouted bat-like wings from his back. He lifted into the air, hissing as he went. "I've been experimenting with this technology, and I've found a way to have unlimited life span... Now, you can be my next test subject once you're dead, Beatrix... And all your friends, too!" "You, you, you... You won't hurt my friends!" Beatrix shouted angrily. "...TRANCE!!!" Beatrix started glowing. Her cape stood straight out, and her eye patch started flashing rainbow colors. "Now you're in for it, doctor! SUPER SHOCKER!" The electric blast hit Necromaster square in the face, but he wasn't about to go down that easily. "BLACK FIST!" he shouted, his fist becoming pure darkness and slugging Beatrix in the stomach. "Ow, that hurt!" Beatrix wheezed. "Well, how about this? OMNISLASH!!!" Beatrix charged up to Necromaster and started slashing like there was no tomorrow. Slice after slice, more and more of Necromaster was not on his body, but on the floor. Finally, Necromaster gave an inhuman shriek, and fell to the ground. "All right... I surrender..." Necromaster gasped. "Go ahead, lock me up... I'll just come out one day and start over!" "You've terrorized your last spirits!" Beatrix said, driving her sword through Necromaster's chest. He shrieked again and crumbled into nothingness. Blood dripped from Beatrix's forehead. "Beatrix..." Steiner said. "...Let's blow this popsicle stand," Marc said, changing the subject. Zidane and Steiner broke open the cages and freed Lou, Saria, Quina and Arc. "Thanks, Zidane," Lou said, brushing himself off. "Lou, I'm sorry," Beatrix said. "I forgot who my friends were." "Harrumph!" Lou growled. "Well, you can scratch me off your friend list." "Lou?..." Saria asked. "You sent the four of us to die! Why should I be your friend anymore?" "Hey, I said I was sorry," Beatrix said, stepping back. "What more do you want?" "Argh... Grrr.... Urrrghhh..." Lou cringed. He started making wild gestures with his hands. "Anyway, we have some important information to tell you," Saria said. She explained what the gansta rappin' heads had said. This made Zidane frown. "If Kuja's out there still, then I'm going to take him down," Zidane growled. "He's gotta be stopped! I thought he had changed, but I guess I was wrong..." "You aren't," Lou said. "The heads said that only Kuja's evil side was sealed in the mask. Our enemy is Kuja's darkness, not himself." "Brilliant deduction, Lou," Sara said. "I'm impressed." "Awww man," Marc growled. "He figures out one thing and she's impressed. What am I, chopped liver?" "Anyway, let's go to Majora Village and find Fire Dancer," Saria said. "Maybe we can talk some sense into him..." "I know that there's a path that leads to the top of the canyon," Freya said. "If we go that way, we'll reach your village. Coming, Fratley?" "No, I think I'll go back to Burmeyra," Fratley said. "I'm too tired to fight any more." "Well, let's go," Vivi said, leading the way out of the lab. "Lou, I can't speak for everyone, but I'm glad you're OK," Eiko said. "...Thanks. It's good to see at least one person likes me for who I am and not what," Lou said. They all walked out of the lab and through the abandoned castle again. This time, there was a coffin on the floor labeled VINCENT. "Should we open it?" Steiner asked. "Do you want another cameo guest star around?" Zidane asked. "Leave it." As they left the castle, the coffin lid opened a little bit. "Aww, MAN," Vincent grumbled. "I'm never gonna make any friends this way." The party climbed the steep canyon hills of Oelivert. "Man, how many stories do these stairs go up?!" Vivi asked. "Urrrrgh... 50, I think," Saria said. "Well, when we get to 20, tell me. I've gotta puke," Zidane said. "We're only on the 5th flight," Beatrix said. "You might as well do it now." "(Huff, Puff) How did you manage to get up these steps when you were younger, Saria?" Lou asked. "There used to be an elevator, but it's broken," Saria explained. "Great," Steiner groaned. "Hey, would you want to fix a broken elevator in the middle of zombie country?" Marc asked. "Hey, why didn't I think of it before? Everyone grab onto me." "You aren't gonna try anything funny, are you?" Eiko asked. "Yo, just trust me, OK?" Marc said. Everyone joined hands. Marc growled for a few seconds, then looked up at the top of the canyon. The entire party vanished in a cloud of smoke, and were on the top of the canyon in a few seconds. "Wow," Freya said, looking down. "I'm impressed." "You rule, Marc!" Zidane said, giving Marc a thumbs-up. "OK, you ARE handy to have around," Steiner huffed. "But where do we go now?" Vivi asked. "It's almost Morning, and I haven't slept all night." "Hey, what's that?" Sara asked, pointing at a dome-shaped building with a huge telescope poking out of it. "That's Oelivert Observatory," Saria explained. "Professor Brinkman lives there, studying the stars like he's done as long as I can remember." "Brinkman?" Dagger asked. "Oh, yes. I remember Doctor Tot inviting Brinkman over a long time ago... They blabbed about astronomy and bored me to sleep." "I'm sure he'd put us up for the rest of the night," Saria said. "Come on, let's go." The group dashed across the dusty field until they reached the observatory. Saria rang the huge doorbell. Professor Brinkman opened the door. He was a bent, gnarled old man with thick glasses and a white goatee. "Yes? Who are you?" he asked. "Professor Brinkman, how are you?" Saria asked. "Saria? That you?" Brinkman asked, adjusting his glasses. "Ah, how long has it been? Come in, please, all of you! I'll get some tea going. SHERA, GET SOME TEA!" "My name's Wanda, Professor," a girl said as she prepared the tea kettle. "Oops," Brinkman said, chuckling. "Well, what can I do you for?" "Could we rest here a few hours?" Saria asked. "We just came through Oelivert Canyon." "Oh, of course!" Brinkman said. "Anyone brave enough to tramp through Oelivert Canyon these days is welcome here anytime!... Princess Garnet, how are you?" "It's Queen Garnet now, and I'm doing fine," Dagger said, bowing grandly. "Ah, splendid," Brinkman said. "Well, come along. I'll get some couches ready. Sorry about the smell... I haven't changed my socks for weeks, since I've been monitoring the strange occurance in the northeastern sky." "Occurance?" Lou asked. "Yes, it's quite spectacular, really," Brinkman said. "It seems that a planet is forming right before my very eyes! Here. If you're interested, follow me to the observatory." "I'll go too," Sara said. "Astronomy's also one of my hobbies." "I always liked stargazing," Zidane said, following the other three into the huge room. "I'm crashing," Marc said, yawning. "That teleport took it out of me. G'night." "I'm turning in as well," Freya said. "Being a half-mummy isn't the most energetic position on earth." "Where're you going, Saria?" Eiko asked. "Oh, I'm just going outside to get some air," Saria answered. "THIS is the BAT-scope, the largest telescope in existance," Brinkman said. "What's that stand for?" Lou asked. "'Big-Ass Telescope,' Red XIII said as he materialized. "He stole the name from Bugenhagen. "Really?" Lou asked. Brinkman was prancing around, humming the 'Batman' tune to himself. "Dadadadadadadada BAT-scope! Dadadadadadadadadada BAT-scope!!!" he sang. "I'm gonna sue your sorry behind!" Bugenhagen yelled angrily. "Stuff it and go home," Brinkman said, shoving them both back into the published copy of FINAL FANTASY 7.5 that was on his desk. "Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. I've noticed a planet in the northeast skies, almost above Madain Sari, the summoner town. This is the weird part; it's constructing itself... Bit by bit, it's growing larger, and it's also coming closer to Gaia." "What?!" Lou asked. "Uh-oh..." "Lou, isn't that what the rapping heads at Oelivert said would happen?" Sara asked. "Kuja..." Zidane growled. "If what the heads said was true, this could mean big trouble for everyone..." Lou said. "The planet is still far away," Brinkman said. "I estimate it will take at least three months to present a serious threat." "So we have to stop Kuja's master plan, which has something to do with Terra II..." Zidane said. "...And we have only three months to do it." "My summer vacation isn't even that long!" Lou said. "What can we do?" "The very best we can," Zidane said. "I'm not scared of Kuja, but I'm worried for the planet. If it wasn't for Kuja, that'd be me doing this instead of him." "OK, then," Lou said. "This trip I'm on now has a goal. No one's doing anything to this planet as long as I have a say in matters! I'll fight to the death to stop this boob." "I'm with you!" Sara said. "If Gaia's destroyed, there'll be no more libraries or books for me to explore. I won't stop until Kuja's gone or I've read every book in existence!" "Yo," Zidane added. "Yo?" Lou asked. "Never heard you say that before." "Eyaaaaaa!!!" a scream came from outside. "That sounded like Saria," Lou said. "That's not good." "Everyone else is asleep," Sara pointed out. "The three of us'll have to help her." The party dashed towards the door. On their way outside, they ran into Amarant. "Amarant, what're you doing up?" Lou asked. "Uh..." Amarant said, looking around. "I can't sleep without eating a chocolate chip cookie, so I was going to my bags to get one." "Forget that, come with us quick!" Zidane said. "Saria's in trouble!" "Well, if it's Creed again, I'll really kick his ass," Amarant growled, putting on his claw. The foursome dashed outside and saw Saria being knocked down by Imaginator. "Hey, leave her alone!" Lou said. He then noticed that Quaker, Slash Man, Imaginator and Dragon Master were also there. "So, we meet again, Lou," Dragon Master said. "As you can see, I'm striking a blow for mutant-kind by eliminating this filthy human oppressor." "Your revolutionary jargon fails to sway me," Lou said. "Let her go! She's my friend!" "Humans and mutants can never be friends," Dragon Master scoffed. "The hatreds are planted too deep to be uprooted. You may surround yourself with humans and claim that they are your friends, but they'll hate you for being a mutant anyway. Join us and find real friends, Lou. Your psychic powers would really come in handy when we take over the major cities of the world." "Sorry, but we've bigger problems right now," Zidane said. "See that huge light in the sky?" "Ah, yes," Dragon Master said, smiling. "Our guiding star. It appeared the night the shining knight preached the word of rebellion to me. That star fuels my hopes and dreams of making this world peaceful for mutants." "Shining Knight?" Sara started. "Enough," Dragon Master said, ascending his Silver Dragon. "I tire of you. Quaker, Imaginator, Slash Man, eliminate them!" The mutants threw themselves at the party. Quaker attacked Sara, Imaginator went for Zidane, Slash Man took on Amarant, and Lou went after Dragon Master. "You n' me got a date, toosie," Quaker growled, looking Sara over. "How 'bout a ride on the Concrete Coaster?!" He slammed his foot onto the ground and started making huge earthquakes. "This ride sucks, loser," Sara said, dancing her Oelivert Dance of the Dead. Skeletons came up from the ground and started whacking Quaker all over. "You're gonna love this," Imaginator said, generating a giant axe. "You wanna play rough?" Zidane asked, putting on his Mummy Mask. "Let'sssss...... Playyyyy....." he hissed. "Fine, bandage boy," Imaginator yelled, lashing away with her axe. "Bandage Whip..." Zidane said, his rists firing multiple bandages at Imaginator. One ripped away her axe, and two more wrapped her up and slammed her into the ground. "So, big bro, you think you can take your little bro?" Slash Man asked, dancing around Amarant. "C'mon, c'mon! Whatcha got? Nothin! That's right, boy, nothin'!" Amarant used his Spare Change attack and knocked Slash Man over on his back. "That's somethin'," Amarant mocked. "You may be powerful, but you're in the wrong," Lou said, hopping onto the Silver Dragon behind Dragon Master. "Humans and mutants CAN coexist. Your revolutionaries do nothing but fuel the conflict!" "We can only live peacefully by anihilating the human oppressors!" Dragon Master yelled. "Mist Dragon, blow this unbeliever away!" A huge, white dragon appeared and fired a giant blast of Mist at Lou. He was knocked off the Silver Dragon and hit the ground. "Lou, are you OK?" Saria asked, helping him up. "Fools. You'll all see one day that I am proved right..." Dragon Master growled, his Silver Dragon flying away. Quaker created a earthquake wave that whisked the other three mutants off after Dragon Master. "That dirty bum!" Sara said. "We can do without THAT kind of mutant." "...So you DON'T like mutants, then?" Lou asked. "Not the violent, nasty, rebellious kinds," Sara said. "Mutants that can't get along oughta be put out of their misery." "A mutant's gotta earn my trust," Amarant said. "Most of 'em ain't worth havin' around." "Some mutants are nice, but a lot of them just don't seem to want to follow the program," Zidane said, shaking his head. "It's a real shame." All of my... friends don't seem to cater to most mutants too well, Lou thought. What will this mean for me?... "Come on, Lou. Let's go back inside," Saria said, helping him up. What does Saria think of me? Lou wondered. I can read thoughts, but I don't like to violate people's privacy... I can only guess... That's the honorable thing to do... "Hi, I'm Pokémon's Ash Ketchum, and you're reading Final Fantasy 9.5!" Ash said, endorsing the story. "Majora Village is just about a mile away from here," Saria said in the morning. "We'll get there by afternoon if we keep up a fast pace." "Another whole day of walking... Oh, boy," Eiko groaned as she slapped on her shoes. "I'm anxious to see this village," Sara said. "If their crops are failing, I may be able to assist them with many useful farming techniques that I learned from my books." "Farm villages have delicious food," Quina said, bouncing around. "What we waiting for? Let's go!" "If they ain'ts Grangerfords or Shepardsons, Ah'm all fer it!" Arc said. The group started marching across the dry, empty plateau. Within half an hour, they were all tired, bored and thirsty. "Awww, I can't walk another step without a drink," Vivi moaned. "That can be arranged," Sara said, performing her Burmecian Rain Dance. Huge torrents of rain fell from the sky, soaking the party. "Man, that was good!" Marc said, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. "I feel 200 percent better," Beatrix said as she slapped the excess rain off her battle armor. "...My armor's rusting," Steiner said. Almost instantly, all his armor turned brown and snapped off. "...And after all the years of wearing 'Little Mermaid' underwear..." he growled. "Yes, we're getting a good 'Ariel' view," Lou chuckled. Everyone started laughing. "Here, borrow my sombrero and pancho," Pedro the materializing sidekick said as he materialized. He handed the gear to Steiner. "Are you Mexican?" asked Lou. "No, senor. Swiss. This way we don't offend nobody," Pedro said, then dematerialized. "Okayyyyy," Saria said, scratching her head. "That made no sense at all." "Does anything here make sense?" Marc asked. Suddenly, the ground started to shake. "Oh, no," Zidane said. "It better not be Quaker again," Sara said. It wasn't. A giant metal figure burst out of the ground. It had drills for fists, shoulder pads and knee pads. "Masterman Prototype 'Drill Man' ready for mission..." it beeped. "Mission clear. Eliminate all dissenters. Dissenter descriptions are as follows................................ Scanning lifeforms..." Drill Man's eyes lit up, and he stared at each person for at least 30 seconds. ".......All Dissenters accounted for. Prepare to be terminated." "I don't think so, buddy!" Marc said, going into a battle stance. "This must be another Replidroid," Zidane said. "You've met these guys before?" Freya asked. "Yup," Arc said. "They's ain't too friendly, most've 'em." "I will terminate each dissenter. Come here," he said, walking towards Eiko. "Uhhhhh..." Eiko stammered. "...Holy!!!" The huge, white bolt soared towards Drill Man. "Magic Barrier in place. Magic defense raised 500 percent," Drill Man recited. The Holy spell bounced right off him. "Retaliation in progress. Drill Press." Drill Man's huge drills came plummeting down at Eiko. Lou grabbed her and jumped out of the way. "Leave the kids alone, will ya?" Lou asked as Drill Man looked up and started walking towards him. "Analyzing dissenter... Mutant Lou Runic indicated. Researching Runic's files.... Runic's genetic mission incomplete. Termination in progress." "What?!" Quina said. "What he say?" "...Genetic mission?" Vivi asked. Lou leaped out of the way as Drill Man's Drill Press came flying at him. Drill Man looked around at the others. "...Mutants Marc Cronstadt and Arc Boneshield indicated. Researching genetic mission files.... Missions incomplete. Terminate." "Hey, ugly! Leave 'em alone!" Saria said, stepping in front of everyone. "...White Mage indicated. No specific mission. Terminate," Drill Man said, his Drill Press charging right at her. "Uh-oh," Saria gulped. "Hang on, Saria!" Lou said, jumping towards Drill Man. "....TRANCE!!!" Lou's hair stood on end. His bandana flapped wildly. His metal rod vibrated with psychic energy. "You want her? You'll have to go through me first!" he shouted. "Drill Press," Drill Man growled, the drills approaching again. "Psychic Blaster!" Lou shouted, the vein on his forehead throbbing wildly. A blue field formed around Drill Man. Drill Man was lifted up into the air. "Does not compute... Vital systems draining...60%....45%...30%..." "Sayonara, bub!" Lou shouted, using all his psychic power to throw Drill Man high into the air and slam him back down into the ground. Drill Man lay in pieces on the dusty plateau. "Drill Man Unit 5289 Transmitting Organic Status Charts to Unimatrix 0.... Masterman will aquire the data and send a stronger prototype to defeat you," Drill Man recited. He then exploded into nothingness. One of his drills remained, though. Freya picked it up. "Hey, if I attached this to my staff, it would really do some serious damage," she said. "I bet a Synthesist could do it." "There's a good Synthesist in Majora Village," Saria said. "...Lou, are you OK?" Lou dropped out of Trance and started wheezing for air. "...I've got such a headache," he moaned, rubbing his forehead where the vein had throbbed. "I've got some asprin," Amarant said. "I have to take two when I'm around gophers... Their saliva gives me headaches." "Gopher?" Arc asked. "How d'ya feel 'round STUFFED gophers, red-haired greeny man?" "Hrmmmph," Amarant grumbled. "...You Tranced to save me," Saria said. "Thank you." "I don't know why I did it," Lou said. "But I sure am glad I got that walking pile of bolts out of the way." "Come on," Saria said. "Majora Village is still a long way away," Saria said, motioning for the party to follow her. "Man, why couldn't that replidroid have been 'Car Man?' We could've gotten a lift into town," Zidane said. "You're so lazy," Steiner said. "I could use the exercise." "Oh, stuff it, Sebastian Skidmarks," Marc said, slapping Steiner on the back. Everyone snickered. The group kept walking on towards Majora Village. "There's Majora Village," Saria said, pointing to a collection of small huts and a public bathhouse. "We're a small community now, but the population's been growing lately." "So, where does Fire Dancer hang out lately?" Lou asked. "Oh, forget about him for a while. You've gotta come and meet my folks, Lou!" Saria said, grabbing Lou's arm and dragging him into town. "...You wanna wander around aimlessly, Dagger?" Zidane asked. "Sure," Dagger said happily. "I hope there good food," Quina said. "I hungry again." "Ah's so hungry Ah could eats a hornee toad," Arc groaned. "Hey, isn't that a Cactuar over there?" Marc asked. "MINE!!!" Arc and Quina both yelled, jumping on the little critter. It retaliated with a 1000 Needles attack and made them both look like fellow Cactuars. "I bet there's a great place for a night out," Beatrix said, pulling Steiner along. "Maybe there's even an armor shop around so you can change, Poco Loco." "Heh heh heh... 'Poco Loco,'" everyone else snickered. "Mom, dad, this is Lou, a friend of mine," Saria said as she introduced Lou to her parents. "Bleah," Saria's mom said. "Couldn't you just marry a rich blowhard like most girls your age want to?" Saria's dad complained. "Alright, so I'm a friggin' mutant. So what?" Lou asked. "We don't care about that," Saria's dad said. "We don't care what you are, and we care even less if you don't got any dough." "Oh, we're not getting married," Saria said. "He's just a friend." "Oh, sure, just friend," Saria's grandmother grumbled from the back of the room. "It start out like that, then you got the vodka, then he invite you over for borscht, then oy vey, you raisink a litter." "Stuff it, Agnes," a voice said from the door leading into the next room. "Tha boy looks good 'nuff for Aunt Berf!" A hugely fat woman waddled out of the next room. She wore thick glasses and carried a bottle of water. "Aunt Berf! I missed you so much!" Saria said, trying to hug the lady. Her arms wouldn't even go around her sides. "Yeah, Aunt Berf missed you too, Saria," Aunt Berf said. "Without you, who's gonna get Aunt Berf's Cheetos every day?" "Awww, auntie," Saria said happily. "Lou, this is my Aunt Berf." "Hi," Lou said, staring at the humongeousness of this woman. "What's the matter, city boy?" Aunt Berf asked. "You never seen a woman who eats healthy? Aunt Berf's so healthy, she's screamin' life everywhere!" She let a huge one that sounded like a foghorn. "See? Aunt Berf's still got it!" "Is her last name 'Klump' by any chance?" Lou asked. "What?" everyone asked. "Sorry. Bad joke," Lou said, shrugging. "Anyways, I overheared your moms and pops complainin' about yer man. He looks good 'nuff! See the way he wears sweatpants all the time? That probably means he's got a huge-" "Auntie, why don't we all go out for lunch?" Saria asked embarassedly. "Let's go get some lunch, OK? How do you like steak?" "Well, just run the steer by the table and Aunt Berf'll grab off a hunk! HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!" Aunt Berf laughed loudly. "You know, I like your aunt, Saria," Lou said, smiling. "Yeah," Saria said. "Everyone likes Aunt Berf." "Oh, I just remembered!" Aunt Berf said, pulling out a box of tablets. "I've gotta take one of these. It'll stop gas before it starts! (FRRRRAAAAAP) Whoops! Too late now. HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!" "Oy vey, enough with the fartink already, sheesh," Saria's grandmother said. "I raised yeh ta be a woman, not a diesel truck." Meanwhile, the rest of the party was hanging around town. "Hey, it's one o' them mutants," a farmer said as he pointed at Marc. "Uh-oh," Marc gulped. "I sure hope they take kinder to mutants than Treno nobles. "So, what's yer mutant power, son?" a farmer asked as a crowd gathered around Marc. "Kin ya make it rain?" "How 'bout makin' it snow?" another asked. "Kin ya make things blow up? Ah've got a pesky neighbor," another said. "...I can teleport," Marc said, demonstrating his ability. Farmers started cheering and whistling. Some threw Gil. "Show off," Sara sniffed. "...Oh, hey, there's a library! Watch me read 5 novels in 5 minutes, losers!" Sara dashed into the library and started picking out books. Suddenly, she heard some groaning and thumping. She looked behind the ADULT section and saw Tai Kamiya and Sora Takenouchi making out on the floor. "What the F-dge?!" Sara yelled. "Oh, um, ummmmm... We're trying to DNA Digivolve," Tai tried to explain. "Bad joke," Izzy said, coming up behind Sara. "Very bad joke." "OK, I'm outta here," Sara said, leaving the library. "What's the hurry? You just got here!" Yolei yelled after Sara. "Aww, darn. We're never gonna make any new friends this way." "Will you be my friend?" Vincent asked, opening his coffin. "How'd you get here?" Joe asked. "Pedro materialized me here," Vincent said. "This is getting just too weird," Vivi grumbled. "I think the chocolate ice cream got to the writer's head," Eiko said. "Hey, writer! Stop writing! Call it a night! Pick it up tomorrow!" "Duhhh.... OK," the writer said, shutting off the computer. "So this is your farming area?" Steiner asked as a man showed him the dried, burnt-up fields. "If it weren't for that Fire Dancer, we'd be able to ship our Gyshal Pickles to Lindblum again." "You mean-" Steiner asked. "Yep. The pickles are grown here. Lindblum just labels them as Linblumese property, but we can't do anything about it with our weak economy." "That isn't good," Steiner said. "I think those pickles are pretty good, myself... I wonder how a burt one tastes..." "You really shouldn't-" the man started. Too late. Steiner bit into the pickle and started shooting flames from his mouth and nose. "Gobble, snarf, snap..." Aunt Berf choked as she wolfed down another venison. "She sure is a healthy eater," Lou said. "Wait'll you see what she eats for dessert," Saria whispered. "Personally, I think this Lou's a fine guy," Berf said between chews, with her mouth spitting bits of meat everywhere. "He's handsome, he's got a rich inheritance, and he's a nice guy. You should marry him." "So soon?" Lou and Saria asked hesitantly. "Hey, you won't be 18 forever, sweetie," Berf said, ripping a deer leg in half with her molars. "You're 18?" Lou asked. "But you look like you're 16..." "I've had motivation to exercise and look youthful," Saria said. "I mean, that's pretty hard to do with grandma and auntie in the house." Suddenly, an alarm went off all over town. "What's happening?" Lou asked. "Fire Dancer's back and ruining our crops again," Saria growled. "Come on, Lou. We have to stop him!" "OK, so I said he'd be good husband material too," Aunt Berf shrugged. "Everyone makes mistakes." The entire party met at the fields of wheat. There danced Fire Dancer, setting the wheat ablaze with his dainty footsteps. "Fire Dancer!" Zidane said. "Who're you? Ah, so you're friends of Saria, eh?" Fire Dancer asked. "Then take my greeting! FIRAGA!" He shot a tremendous bolt of fire at the party, knocking the all backwards. "It's hot enough here without you doing that," Beatrix yelled. "Stop it, Roger!" Saria shouted. "Please, we can work this out!" "Oh, so you can skip out on me again?" Fire Dancer snarled. "I remember that cute, tight frock you used to wear for me... Well, whatever we had goin' is as cold as a burned-out fuse." "You seem to be the expert on burning people," Marc said. "Shut up, mutant!" Fire Dancer yelled, hitting Marc with a Fira spell. "Anyways, I'm gonna burn these crops of these humans down, and no one's gonna stop me!" "Let me guess," Eiko piped up. "You work for Dragon Master?" "Indeed I do," Fire Dancer said. "...And he sends his best regards! FLARE!" Fire Dancer cast a charged-up Flare spell at the group, who were knocked back even more. "Now to deal with you, you tramp," Fire Dancer said, hurling a giant Firaga spell at Saria. "Leave her alone!" Lou shouted angrily. "Blizzara!" Lou sent a giant ice ball at the fireball, and they both exploded into steam. "Oh, I forgot Lou was a Red Mage," Zidane said. "Well, time for me to join in." He slapped on his Cyclops Mask and started firing optical blasts. "So, you've squared off with Red-Eye, have you?" Fire Dancer asked. "Ha! That commie doesn't have the guts to deal with guys like you, so he swarms in with dozens of troops. Take THIS!" A Fire Punch knocked Zidane back a bit, but he got up again. "Master Vivi, let me do a Blizzaga Sword!" Steiner called. "Me too!" Beatrix added. They both charged at Fire Dancer and slashed at him with cold, arctic blasts of air. "Curses! You will never defeat me, though," Fire Dancer said. "I'll just keep destroying crops over and over..." "No, you won't," Saria said, stepping forward. "And I'm sorry I ever dated you. HOLY!!!" The holy blast hit Fire Dancer head on, and he was blown back into a wall. He didn't move again. "Yes!" Lou said. "Good job, Saria." "..." Saria said. Fire Dancer's fire went out. Suddenly, all the crops sprang back to life and Majora Village was green once again. "Wow, it's almost magical..." Vivi said. "It's not magical," Marc explained. "It's mutant energy. When the mutant perishes, all harm they've done with their powers will be erased." "Cool," Arc said. "Kin we gets some eatin's now?" "Yeah, me so hungee," Quina moaned. "I'm sure Aunt Berf would join you two in a little snack," Saria said cheefully. "Lou, thank you." "What for?" Lou asked. "You protected me." "Well, I would've done that for anyone here, you see," Lou said, blushing a bit." "Whatever," Zidane said, grinning. "Let's go have lunch," Dagger said. "I'll buy." "OK, but if Aunt Berf's there, you'll have to dig into your bank account," Lou said jokingly. Laughing, the party walked back to Majora Village. Fire Dancer's body lay at the wall where he'd fallen. Suddenly, the ground on his sides opened up, and mechanical hands grabbed the body and dragged it underground. "Let's stay here and rest for a few days, OK?" Zidane suggested. "That fight took it outta me." "You didn't help THAT much," Saria grumbled. "Humph!" Freya grumbled. "Mutants... Why are they so violent?" "Keep it down, Minnie," Amarant said. "Lou, Arc and Marc are all mutants." "..." Lou said. The party retired to the local inn. "We should discuss what to do next," Dagger said. "Well, we have to win Alexandria back from Red-Eye," Beatrix said. "Kuja needs to be stopped," Zidane added. "So do the mutants," Steiner added. "We should crush every last one." "I agree," Saria said. "The mutants should be stopped at all cost." "My snotty little bro's one of them," Amarant growled. "That gives me reason enough." "They've all gotta go down one way or another," Vivi said. "...Those mutants are bad," Eiko said. Lou was silent for most of the time leading up to this, but this really made him flip out. "Stop it! Enough!" he yelled angrily. "I get the point already! You don't like mutants! Can't you just leave the damn issue alone already?!" "Calm down, Lou," Dagger said. "Calm down?! CALM DOWN?! You people are dissing me left and right, and you tell me to CALM DOWN?!" "We didn't mean you, Lou, we meant-" Freya started. "Shaddap, you damn rat!" Lou yelled. "You can sugar-coat it as much as you want, but I know what you think of me!" Lou psychically shot one of each party members' anti-mutant sayings through each respective person's mind. "You're all the worst! Pretending to be my friends... Well, I won't be calm. Being calm never got me a ^$#$in' thing! You hate me so much, I might as well leave." Lou turned around and started to walk out the door. "Lou, please wait!" Saria called. "...And YOU!" Lou angrily barked. "...I'm not even gonna start. I'd be here for hours! Fine. Well, let's see how you all like bein' mutant bait when I'm gone! Hasta Lavista, you damn hypocrites!" "Lou, just take it easy!" Marc said. Lou belted him in the stomach and drop-kicked him. "They don't like you or Arc either," Lou growled. "Don't you get it? We're alone in this world! I don't belong here or with Dragon Master! I don't fit in anywhere... Everywhere I go, I'm spat upon... Well, who's doing the spitting now, huh?!" "Lou, let me talk to you about a crisis I had a while back..." Zidane started. Lou's vein in his forehead welled up and Zidane was thrown against the back wall by a tremendous psychic blast. "You wanna be the hero? Fine. I don't have any major part in this band of losers anyway," Lou growled. "Go ahead, be the big honcho! I don't care! I'm just a MUTANT, remember? I don't have feelings! I LIKE getting stomped upon! Yeah, throw everything at Lou! He won't mind. Let him take all the abuse for Dragon Master and his cronies! GOD, you people make me sick!!!" "Lou, stop it!" Dagger said firmly. "Oh, gee, I'm SO sorry, your highness of a nonexistant monarchy!" Lou snapped. "You think you own me, huh? Like a weapon, huh? Well..." Lou spat at Dagger's feet and whipped around to leave again. "Please, Lou," Eiko started. "Just calm down. You're not acting at all like yourself..." Lou looked at Eiko thoughtfully. Suddenly, big tears started welling up in his eyes. He fled from Majora Village as his friends watched him run off into the sunset. "...Maybe we WERE too hard on him," Zidane said. "Well, way to go, guys," Eiko said. "Looks like we're down one mutant. Happy, Steiner?" "..." Steiner said. "Why did I say that crap? I should know better..." Sara mumbled. "You could apologize to me," Marc said. "I'm a mutant, too." "Don't push it, fuzzball," Sara snapped. "...He gots reeeal mad, huh?" Arc asked. "Oh, he redder than hot metal pot," Quina answered. "Poor guy," Beatrix said. "I should've kept my opinions to myself." "Oh, so NOW you learn the moral, huh?" Marc asked. "Great. Now we're out a Red Mage and a psychic," Dagger grumbled. "Well, I'm sure we can get along just fine without that rabble," Steiner said. "Steiner!" Saria said. "What're you saying?!" "We never needed loose cannons like that around in the first place," Steiner continued. "With him gone, we can defeat Dragon Master without any threat of spies in our midst... Except..." "Leave us out of this, fatso," Marc growled. "Yeah, Ah think Lou's th' problaim heah," Arc muttered. "...Lou..." Saria sighed. "...Have I lost you like I lost Roger?..." "Well, if anything's certain, it's the fact that Lou needs some alone time," Sara said. "Maybe he'll come back some day." "In the meantime, we should find a way to stop Kuja," Zidane said. Everyone agreed on that. "...I'm so sorry, Lou," Saria said, gazing out at the sunset where Lou had stomped off. "Uh-oh," Aunt Berf said, coming up behind Saria. "What'd Aunt Berf miss?" "Lousy, stupid, no-good..." Lou cursed as he stomped out of town. "How did I ever end up traveling around with them?" Lou was angry. VERY angry. So angry that his psychic powers were out of flux, causing things here and there to act oddly. As he passed the observatory, his psychic powers decided to snap the fastenings on the BAT-Scope and send it tumbling down towards Majora Village. "Hey, what's that on the hill?" a person asked. "It's a soda can!" Vivi said. "It's a drunk guy rolling down the hill!" Steiner said. "No, it's..." Zidane said, looking closer. "The BAT-Scope!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!" The BAT-Scope thumped down the canyon towards the village. It made a rhythmic thumping as it went. Thumpa thumpa thumpa thumpa... "BAT-Scope!" Brinkman and Bugenhagen shouted at the same time. Thumpa thumpa thumpa thumpa... "BAT-Scope!" the villagers yelled. The BAT-Scope crashed right into the first building it saw and stopped. One sideboard of the house had a little paint knocked off. "Oh, great," Saria said. "That was the only burlesque house in town. Now it's ruined." Anyway, back to Lou; He was pretty angry, and he stomped to a spot on the ocean and made a raft out of an old, still-usable boat. He sailed away from the Forgotten Continent until he reached the Lost Continent. There was snow. Oh, by the way, the theme of this chapter is understatements, ironies and overstatements. "Pretty cold here," Lou said as he shivered. "Hey, there's a building. Maybe someone there will help me." He entered the cold, dark building. It was a laboratory... Where something had gone horribly wrong. Scientists lay scattered about, their white labcoats now shiny red, along with the rest of their bodies. There was broken glass everywhere from a room with all sorts of surgical equipment. "What happened here?" Lou asked himself. Then he noticed the red footprints of many humans leading out the door he had entered. There was red in the snow outside as well. "Looks like whoever did this left a trail," Lou said. Then he noticed a man lying in the snow nearby. He wore a red business suit, and he had a big sword stuck in his back. "He's dead," Barret said. "The President of Shinra Inc. is dead..." "What're you doing here?" Lou asked. "What's it look like I'm doin'? I'm makin' a cameo," Barret said. "Well, I've gotta go and give a speech at Magic Johnson's birthday party. See ya, boyeee!" "....Okaaaaaay," Lou said. "No, that's my line," Mr. Schmidt, Lou's 8th grade social studies teacher objected. "I'm leaving now," Lou said, following the bloody footsteps. They led him to a large spot where the snow had been flattened down. "That's odd," Lou said, looking at the spot. "It almost looks like there was an airship here..." Suddenly, an airship WAS there, hovering over him. It shone a light down upon him and he suddenly found himself on a ship with many weird-looking people. "Welcome, Lou Runic," one said. "My name is Eden." "...Who ARE you guys?" Lou asked. "Are you mutants?" "We are mutants, yes," Eden said. Lou looked around. All of these mutants were different colors, and had strange markings on their skin, or looked completely freakish. Some looked like Marc would if he shaved himself. "Did you escape from that lab back there?" Lou asked. "No, I liberated it," Eden said. "The humans there were doing barbaric experiments on mutants. Come, you can help some of the wounded, being a Red Mage and all... You psychic powers could help us too." Lou looked around at these people. "Don't worry," Eden said. "You're among your own kind now." "We HAVE to go and find Lou!" Eiko argued. "He could get into a lot of trouble out there on his own!" "...And where are we supposed to look?" Freya asked. "He could be anywhere on the continent by now, or even off it." "Besides, he made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to be around us anymore," Dagger said. "I think that if we give him sone alone time, he'll come back and everything will be OK." "Golly-Gee, what done hit you in the head, Daygurr?" Arc asked. "Lou's ain'ts comin' back fer a loooong tahme." "If he's out there for a long time, he COULD get in trouble," Amarant said. "There's more danger on this continent than zombies, and even I had my troubles around here." "What if Dragon Master recruits him? It could be bad news for everyone if Dragon Master adds Lou's psychic abilities to his ranks," Sara pointed out. "...I'm so sorry it came to this," Saria said. "This just shows that prejudice will drive friends away if it's used too often... That's why I'm going to go and find Lou." "You're going off too?" Beatrix asked. "Why do I feel like this party's a NaCl molecule dropped in water?" Sara asked. "I'll go with you, Saria!" Eiko said. "Lou's my best pal in the whole wide world!" "I suppose I do owe it to him since he helped me regain my humanity," Zidane said. "I'll come too." "...Lou doesn't like my little bro any more than I do," Amarant said. "He's good to have as an ally." "...So?" Saria asked. "...I'm tryin' to say that I'm coming with you, got it?" Amarant said. "Aw, hell, why not?" Marc said. "Lou's a cool dude. Hell, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here now, would I?" "Whatever," Sara sniffed. "I'm going to stay here and research Kuja and the other things the talking heads talked about." "Some of us have to start hunting for Kuja, I guess..." Vivi said. "The rest of us will do that. You guys find Lou, OK?" "I still say we don't need him," Steiner huffed. "You gots a problaim wit mutants, fat man?" Arc asked. "If ya do, Ah'll make sure ya don't no more when Ah cooks ya up..." "...OK, OK, I'll be quiet," Steiner gulped. "Now hold up, y'all didn't let me finish. ...When Ah cooks ya up a batch o' stuffed gopher bladder cream that Ah's makes so well. Goes great wit baygawls." "Er.... Right," Steiner said, wiping the sweat off his brow. So the party split once again. Saria, Eiko, Zidane, Marc and Amarant set out to look for Lou, and the rest stayed behind to find Kuja. "...So, are you guys some of Dragon Master's friends?" Lou asked. "Dragon Master? Heavens, no," Eden said. "We are merely searching for a new home." "...So why are you here, picking up mutants on a strange airship?" Lou asked. "I don't 'pick up' anybody. I liberate them from human bondage," Eden said. "I was the favorite prey for a hunter in Lindblum. Every day, he'd hunt me and defeat me, and lock me up, but even that wasn't a relief because he'd reopen the cage the next day and start all over again!... I eventually devised a strategy to rid myself of him once and for all." "...You KILLED him?" Lou asked. "I set myself free," Eden explained. "...And is that when you decided to 'liberate' the lab?" Lou asked. "Actually, that was the third lab I liberated. And no. For the first month I hid. But then I found this airship and traveled to different areas where I found mutants willing to fight their oppressors. I've been watching you. You're a special case." "What do you mean?!" Lou asked. "You don't seem to know who your friends are," Eden explained. "One minute you're laughing with them, the next you're cursing them. I believe that you could help us find a new home..." "...So you kidnapped me?" Lou asked. "I don't think so." "If only you knew what we've been through," Eden said. "Maybe you'd reconsider..." "No way. Anyone who destroys life isn't one I'd like to make friends with," Lou said angrily. "I see..." Eden said. "It kills me to do this to you." He pinched Lou at the base of the meck. All went black... The next thing Lou knew, he was strapped down to an operating table with a lot of faceless doctors standing over him. "Well, the subject seems to be very adverse," one said, looking over a test readout. "Let's see how it fares with THIS." Lou saw a doctor pull out a taser and felt it sending 10,000 volts into his chest. He roared in pain. "Excellent!" the doctor said. "Now let's see how it reacts to physical dismemberment..." Lou saw a giant sawblade coming down above his eyes. He started to scream loudly, and then the vision disappeared and Lou found himself in the airship's infirmary. He was in a cold sweat. Eden appeared, followed by another mutant. "What was that?!" Lou asked. "We decided you didn't quite understand what we had gone through, so we had another mutant broadcast his memories into your mind..." Eden said. "What!!! How dare you?!" Lou yelled. "You torture me to gain my sympathy? What where you thinking?!" "We are simply looking for a new home. We thought you'd help us like you helped your comrades, but I guess we were wrong," Eden said. "...You wanted to leave. We'll take you back to where we found you." Eden started to turn around. "...Wait," Lou said. "...Tell me about this new home you're looking for." "...Are you sure that going to Ispen's Castle will help us find Kuja?!" Dagger asked Sara as the team marched across the canyon. "The books in Majora Village's library all seem to point to Ispen's Castle as a beacon for Terran civilization," Sara answered. "I'm sure we'll find something if we go there." "I hope so," Vivi said. "We can't have Kuja AND Dragon Master running around at the same time." "And what about Jungle Masker and those robots that keep popping up?" Beatrix said. "Something's gotta give." "Maybe they all connected some way," Quina piped up. Everyone looked at him/her with those 'that's a stupid idea' eyes. "Really! Take lasagna. It just look like noodles and cheese on top, but there sauce and meat inside as well as more noodle and cheese! It not a stupid theory!" "Ah thinks Quina needs a lay-bottle-mee," Arc slurred. "She may be right," Freya said. "...As much as I hate to admit it, Quina acts smart sometimes. There could be more to this than meets the eye..." "What you mean 'hate to admit it?' I smart! E equal MC Hammer, yes?" Quina asked. "...What? Why you look at me that way? Sheesh. Qu get no respect around here." "Mesa hear ya, bwaddah," Jar Jar Binks said as he materialized with Pedro. "God, this is getting old," Steiner grumbled. "Hey, you think I loan you sombrero and coat for free, amigo?" Pedro asked. "Cough up some dinero." "(Expletive)," Steiner said as he gave Pedro 200 Gil. "OK, mesa gotta get goin' now," Jar Jar said as he and Pedro disappeared with the sound of a million people saying 'whop' at the same time. Vivi looked around, puzzled by this. Why would a million people show up at this location just to say one word like 'whop?' "Where do you think Lou could've gone?" Eiko asked Saria. "When I want to blow off steam, I go kill some wild beast," Marc said. "You're not helping," Zidane said. "He could've gone back to the Dauntless to wait for us." "Did he look like he was in a waiting mood?" Amarant asked. "He's probably fled the continent by now. He must've taken the boat I left near Oelivert." "Maybe we should check in at Oelivert to see if the heads will say anything new," Saria said. "They might say something else now." Through the miracle of writing, our heroes appeared before the talking heads in less time than it takes to write it. "Can you tell us any more?" Saria asked. "Ya call youself a playah but yo easily caught an I kill da muddah fluggah dat my froggee bought-" the heads rapped. "Oh, God, it's worse than you described!" Zidane shouted angrily. "TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!!!!" Eiko screamed. Once again through the miracle of writing, our heroes were back where they said 'let's go back to Oelivert.' "Well, that was no help," Amarant said. "Poor Lou," Eiko said. "Why did we say such mean things?" "Never mind that," Zidane said, pointing to a huge robot coming out of the ground. "Looks like we're in for another round with the Tin Man Mafia!" "I've been researching various areas where our group could settle down and have a place to call home," Eden said to Lou. "We finally decided on this area right here." He pointed to a place on the world map. "Vile Island?" Lou asked. "Yes. With all the Yans around, no one would dare come looking for us. We'll start a new civilization and new culture and a new religion..." "Really?" Lou asked. "Yes," Eden said, beginning to recite a speech. "'In the dark times, men of nonmutation kept us prisoner, but then a man appeared and delivered his children of light to freedom.'" "...And that would be you, right?" Lou asked. "Who else?" Eden asked. "We could use you as well, Lou. You could be minister of culture." "Culture, huh?" Lou said. "...I like it. I bet I could start teaching courses on ancient art and how its descendants created new works that lead up to modern art-" "...Those were non-mutant artists," Eden said coldly. "We can't deny our roots," Lou argued. Suddenly, an alarm went off. "Oh, hold on, Lou. Duty calls," Eden said, walking up to the big screen. The other mutants stood and watched stupidly as Eden instructed the pilot to hover over the research lab below. "Send a transmission," Eden told the transmissioner. A voice started crackling over the radio. "This is the Burmeyra Continental Research Facility," a person said. "How may I help you?" "Our scans show that you have several mutants in your facility," Eden said calmly. "Allow us to bring them up to my ship and we'll leave." "What? Those mutants aren't-" the voice said. "Hand them over, human," Eden growled. "You have no business experimenting on them." "But-" the voice said. It was interrupted by the airship's lasers cutting through the lab's ceiling and the beaming up of four mutants. The voice came in again, this time very angry. "The Burmeyran government won't stand for this!" it shouted. "They'll find you!" "...Target the lab and vaporize it," Eden directed the gunner. "What are you doing?!" Lou asked angrily. "You heard him. They're going to oppress us again," Eden said. The gunner stupidly followed orders and hit the button. A loud flash and the lab was gone. "How can a flash be loud?" asked Cloud. "Beats me," Aeris said as she blew some very angry bubbles. Eden approached the four new mutants. "Welcome. I am Eden, and you're free of human oppression now." "You idiot!" one mutant said. "We were scientists at that lab! You just murdered our coworkers!" "You blew up an entire lab to get four angry mutants," Lou said. "Way to go, Eden." "You'll thank me for it one day," Eden said. "You are children of light, and I shall deliver you." He then grandly swept out of the room. "It's pretty obvious that Eden's becoming a megalomaniac," Lou said. "...What can I do?..." "This is Ispen's Castle?" Sara asked. "...It's upside down." "Yeah, it was always like this," Beatrix said. "It was built like this." "I bet they have a good library, though," Vivi suggested. "What're we waiting for? Let's go!" Sara cheered, charging into the castle. Meanwhile, in Ispen's library, several of the books whispered to each other. "One who is worthy of leading us is coming..." "Who're you?!" Zidane asked the giant robot. "I am Razor Man, Masterman Unit 9820. You are enemies of Masterman. I will terminate all enemies of Masterman... Where is genetic model 657-Beta?" "What's he saying?" Amarant asked. "I don't care what he says," Marc snarled, "I'm taking him out!" "Well, we're here at Vile Island," Eden said as the pilot piloted the airship over the small island. "We'll be parking here permanently after one stop." "One stop?..." Lou asked. "Where we going?" "Some of us here have a slight distaste for humans," Eden said. "I plan to satisfy their tempers." "What?!" Lou asked. He saw right away that the ship was headed for a research lab near Alexandria. "You're going to abduct humans and enslave THEM?" "Better," Eden said, his eyes flashing for a second. "My people need to EXPERIENCE deliverance." "Your people?!" Lou asked. "You know, I haven't heard any other mutant here speak since I've been here!" "They don't need to," Eden said. "We all communicate telepathically. Unfortunately, you can't. You can read others's thoughts, but they can't send any thoughts to you." The airship arrived at Vile island. The ship dumped the humans out onto the vicious terrain. "You're going to feed them to the Yans?!" Lou yelled. "That's awful!" "No," Eden said, grabbing a claymoor. "It's time for US to hunt OUR prey." Lou saw several others grab weapons as well, then they dropped down to the surface. Lou watched as they started slaughtering the humans, who feebly tried to fight back. "Oh, what have I signed on to?" Lou asked himself. "I deserted my friends for THIS?" He watched even longer as the mutants sliced the poor humans to ribbons. He heard Eden's shouts of 'who's the prey now?' echoing through the misty air. "OK, that does it," Lou said, grabbing his rod and dropping to the surface as well. He approached as Eden was about to decapitate the lead scientist. "How's this for a change, human?" Eden snarled. "You're nuts," Lou said as he approached from behind. "Leave 'im alone, Eden. Your little escapade has gone too far." "They slaughtered us," Eden said. "Now it's time to pay them back." "Fighting only leads to more fighting," Lou argued. "Other humans will come looking for these when they're dead, and they might clean your clock. You don't solve anything with this bilge." "Well, Lou," Eden said, his earring glistening in the light. "If you're not part of my solution... You're part of my problem!" Eden charged at Lou with his sword, the veins in his head throbbing. Lou hopped out of the way and clubbed Eden with his rod. He then cast a Fira spell on Eden, who was thrown backwards. "Clever, my little traitor, but how do you like THIS?!" Eden asked, raising his hand and shooting a giant ball of blue fire. Lou was blown backwards very far. "That's my mutant power," Eden said. "Pyrokinesis." "The ability to start and control fires..." Lou hissed. "Just like that Fire Dancer guy in Majora Village... How did we beat him?..." Eden stood over Lou. He closed his eyes and his veins started bulging again. His sword became engulfed in fire. "Time to die, Runic," he growled. "You first, man," Lou said, using his psychic abilities to boost his Blizzara spell to a Blizzaga spell and encasing Eden in a block of solid ice. Eden was defeated. "That ice'll only hold him for a while," the human scientist Eden was about to kill said. "No," Lou said. "It insures that he'll not be going anywhere. Yans love eating ice." Lou watched as about a dozen Yans jumped on the frozen figure and ate it. "That's it, I'm outta here," Lou said, helping the scientist back up. He rounded up all the mutants and scientists left and teleported back to the airship. "Eden's gone," Lou said. "What will you mutants do now?" "...We will stay here as Eden wished," one mutant said. "We will build a new community, but we shall not harm any more humans..." "We'd like to go back to our homes," the human and mutant scientists said. "That can be arranged," Lou said. "I've got a few places to travel myself." Lou dropped everyone off where they wanted to go, then he piloted the airship back to where it picked him up and left it there. He contined hiking along the snowy plains of the Lost Continent. "Aaahhh!" Saria shouted as Razor Man fired his Twin Scissor attack at her. "You shall all be eliminated for dissent against Masterman," Razor Man beeped. "I think not," Eiko said, calling upon Fenrir's Millenial Decay. Razor Man was blown backwards and hit a rock. Black oil started to ooze from its limbs. "Razor Man Unit 9820 Transmitting Organic Status Charts to Unimatrix 0.... Masterman will aquire the data and send a stronger prototype to defeat you," Razor Man wheezed. "Tell it to the frogs," Marc said, using his Morph attack to turn Razor Man into a Slash Knuckle, which Marc promptly equipped. "Where are those robots coming from?" Saria asked. "Yeah, no country 'round here has that kind of technology," Amarant said. "I know Lindblum couldn't do it," Eiko said. "They've been attacking since before Alexandria fell to Red-Eye," Saria said. "So who's makin' 'em?!" Marc asked. "Maybe the heads know," Eiko said. "All the heads know is 'It Wasn't Me,'" Marc argued. "They're useless." "Oh! Excuse me!" a technician said as he ran up to the party. "You're the owners of the Dauntless, correct? I'm pleased to inform you that it's fully repaired and operational." "Great! We can use the Dauntless to look for Lou," Saria said. "All aboard..." Amarant said, showing what might have been a sense of humor. The party turned and followed the technician back to the airship. "Here's Ispen's Castle," Vivi said, pointing at the large structure. "An upside-down, all-around nuthouse castle." "I've read about this place," Beatrix said. "Its structure is always shifting, and the interior never looks the same." "Interesting idea," Sara said. "But I won't believe it until I see it." "Wait, Sara," Dagger said. "You can't just go charging in there without a-" Dagger stopped talking when she saw Sara pull out her Winchester. Sara walked into the immense castle, followed by the rest of the party. "This big place," Quina said. "Where pantry?" "I reckon if this's an upsee-downsee castull, it's gotta have some insidee-outsidee cake somewheres," Arc slurred as he looked around. "I've never been in a place like this," Beatrix said. "It's slightly disturbing." "You want me to hold your hand?" Steiner asked. "Chauvenist," Sara huffed under her breath. Steiner quickly pulled his hand away and frowned. "Woah," Vivi said, stopping in his tracks. "OK, this is NOT like it was when we were here last." The entire front hallway was twisted into an Escher painting-like room. "I getting dizzy," Quina said. "Ah's 'bouts ta lose mah licky-eebrio," Arc groaned. "Fascinating," Sara said, starting to walk around. She walked through a doorway and wound up on the left wall. She then took some stairs up and started walking on the ceiling. "I bet a scholar could spend her whole life in here!" "What would happen if I jumped?" Dagger asked from the left wall. She tried it and went whizzing from wall to ceiling to floor to other wall to floor to yet another wall to ceiling before she crashed to the ceiling. "Your majesty, are you all right?" Beatrix called. "Well, I lost my lunch, but it doesn't seem to be anywhere-" Dagger started. Then a pile of orange goo hit her in the face. "Oh, here it is," Dagger grumbled. "How are we supposed to find our way around? This place is a regular maze," Freya asked. "Easy," Sara said. "Ever heard of warping?" She threw a huge bucket of water that suddenly materialized along with Pedro and Jar Jar Binks onto the floor. The entire room warped itself into a straight hallway. "OK, that was just insane," Vivi said. "Maybe we should split up to check around," Steiner said. "I think the library was down those steps over there." "I'll check around Odin's Sword," Freya said, sliding down a pole. "We look for kitchen," Quina said as Arc and s/he ran off down the center of the hall. So Freya, Vivi and Steiner went towards Odin's Sword, Arc and Quina went to the kitchens and Dagger, Beatrix and Sara went to the library. "The cold sucks," Lou grumbled. "I'm used to living in hot places." He walked onwards in the frozen wasteland. "I guess I could see if the people at Esto Gaza would help me," he said aloud. When he got to Esto Gaza, he was dismayed. "Oh, crap. I guess they forgot to chop the huge Iifa Tree root down. Guess I can't get in." "Awww, man!" Elliott shouted. "I'll NEVER find out what Esto Gaza looks like now!" "Shut up, man," a hippie said. "You BUG me, man." Lou kept walking over the frost-covered continent. "There's nothing else for miles around," he said as he walked. "Where'm I supposed to go?" Suddenly, the snow dropped out from under him, and he fell into a deep chasm. All grew dark... "Where do you think Lou would've gone?" Eiko asked. "Maybe he went back to Lindblum," Saria said. "I mean, he does have a house there." When the party arrived in Lindblum, one look was all it took to see that trouble was brewing. "Uh-oh," Zidane said, looking around. "What's wrong?" Amarant asked. "Look over there," Zidane said. "The local chapter of TRUTH is camped out right next to the RJ Reynolds stockholder's meeting. "According to this schedule I just happen to have, the meeting should be letting out..." Saria started. A giant uproar started. People started viciously attacking each other and blood started shooting up into the air. "...Now," Saria concluded. "Oh, now I remember," Zidane said. "Two weeks after the Hunting Festival is Whiny Conservative Watchdog Group Week. There's whiners and crazies everywhere, so be careful what you do." "I see," Amarant said, leaning on a building's wall. A man wearing thick glasses and a viking helmet came up to him. "Good God, man, have you no morals! Get off there!" "Who're you?" Amarant asked. "I represent the national building enthusiast's organization! We believe that buildings are living creatures, too! Get off!" "...Make me," Amarant muttered. "Help! This man is assaulting our bretheren!" the man shouted. About 5 other people waving signs that said BUILDINGS ARE PEOPLE TOO came up to Amarant and sprayed him with aerosol cans. He finally got off the building. "...You look good in purple," Saria snickered. Amarant growled. Suddenly, a skinny, gnarled old woman wearing a Sunday hat waddled up to Saria. "You're killing our sisters and brothers!" she yelled angrily. "You evil person!" "What?" Saria asked. "Atoms of polyester are people too!" the old woman shouted as about 50 people waving signs appeared. "Your robes are heaps of our dead brothers and sisters!" "Uh... Maybe you should run, Saria," Eiko whispered. "And YOU, kid," a man shouted. "What do you think you're doing, stepping on our friends underfoot? Cement is people too, you know!" "(OK, I'm just gonna sidestep this argument...)" Eiko said, hopping off the cement pavement and into some soft sand. There she was met by the Society For Prevention Of Cruelty To Sand. "These people are nutcases," Zidane grumbled. "Oh, look, people bawling out a genetic conference... Hey, there's a riot concerning Genomes teaching evolution in public schools... The Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Dingleboppers is trying to rip the dinglebopper off a moogle... Man, it's a field day for the nutballs." "Oh my god!" a person shouted, and seized a microphone. "People! We are massacring millions of oxygen molecules every second!!!" Everyone gasped and held their breath. Within moments, everyone had passed out. "...Is that it?" Amarant asked. "Shall we continue?" Saria asked. "Hey Eiko, what happened to you?" Eiko was all smooth and shiny. "I got sanded," she grumbled. The party arrived at Lou's house and entered. "Oh, my God. Look at all the squatters!" Zidane exclaimed. "Go on, scram!" Eiko shouted, kicking at the bums to get up and get moving. "Come on, there are plenty of benches out there. Geez, does the word 'bathroom' mean anything to you people? Euchhh!" "Well, I don't think Lou's here," Saria said after a quick glance. "He is not here, I fear," a jester said as he pranced out from upstairs. "To find your friend, look for the end. At the end is your friend. Why? I can't comprehend." "Your rhymes suck," Amarant mumbled. "Yeah, I know," the jester grumbled. "But this is way more fun than a desk job." Suddenly, the Soceity for Prevention of Cruelty to Desks leapt upon him and ripped him apart. "OK, I'm getting really disturbed here. Can we go now?" Saria asked. "Come on, before the Society of Angry Squatters comes after us," Eiko grumbled. "Aren't we going to clean up this house?" Zidane asked. "I mean, there's human defecation all over the floor and-" "We'll hire a robotic maid," Saria said. She called Robotic Maids Ltd. and a robotic maid appeared and vaccumed up everything. The house was like new. "Simple solutions to crappy problems," Zidane said. "Can we go now?" Eiko asked. "Definitely," Saria said. The party piled back into the Dauntless and flew away. "We've been searching for Lou for days," Eiko complained, "and still no idea of where he is..." "I'm gettin' sick of this," Amarant grumbled. "Flying around the world with no clue as to where he went..." "How about Navi City?" Saria asked. "That's where he spent a lot of time... Maybe he's gone back there." The party arrived at Navi City and walked around. "Town hasn't changed much since I left," Eiko said. "Excuse me, sir, has a boy named Lou Runic been around here lately?" "Lou Runic?" the man asked. "You mean that stinkin' mutant who destroyed part of the school? Why? Are you in cahoots with him?! Hey, I know you! You're that summoner accomplice of his! Get her!" An angry mob set upon the party. The group hightailed it out of town very fast and piled back into the airship and flew away. "Well, that's what I call mean," Zidane grumbled. "Didn't even tell us if they'd seen him." "I guess Lou's not too popular here," Saria said, wiping the sweat from her brow. "No wonder he's so depressed most of the time... Poor guy." "I think the ones to be pitied are the mutants who join up with Dragon Master," Amarant suggested. "They're the real losers who've given up tryin' to make their lives better." "Where else could Lou be? We're pretty certain he didn't go back to Navi City, and he's not in Lindblum..." Eiko said. "There might be something to what that ill-fated jester said after all," Zidane said. "'Your friend is at the end...' Wonder what that means?" "The end could be many things," Saria said. "The end of the sea, the end of land, the end of his... life..." "I've heard of a place called The End," Amarant said. "Really?" everyone asked. "There's a huge pit on the Lost Continent that many people call The End because it stretches so far out and goes down so deep that it looks like the end of the earth. Maybe that's what the jester meant..." "I hope so," Zidane said. "I want to find Lou as much as anyone here, but I'd also like to get back to Dagger and the others... No telling what they're going through." "I'd just like people to know that I'm still here," Marc said. "I may be quiet, but I'm here." "Woah," Beatrix said. "This is the biggest library I've ever set foot in." "Being such a military person, I bet it's the only library you've ever set foot in," Sara smirked. "You have such a lousy attitude when it comes to relations, Sara!" Dagger said angrily. "Just because you have a hyper-feminist superiority complex doesn't mean you can be rude to everyone!" "Yes, it does!" Sara barked. "You may be the queen of a nonexistant country, but I'm smart! Smart people are the ones that build civilizations! Stupid rich people may get all the press coverage, but the smart people control everything! You guys just get in my way." "You're worse than that Amarant guy," Beatrix remarked. "I'm also better than any man," Sara sniffed. "I don't intend to marry or fall in love. Being married just slaps chains around women and makes men feel superior." "You may become more feminine if you were to fall in love," Dagger suggested. "There's no such thing," Sara said, waving her hand grandly. "Love is just an excuse for a primal urge for copulation. You see an attractive mate, you woo it, you toy with it, and then you divorce. It's just like how the world is. The divorce rate is increasing. Once people are finished fooling around, they split up and women start to rule again. Love is for the weak-minded. We SMART people, however-" "Not all men are like that," Dagger argued. "Zidane is-" "Pshhh," Sara snorted. "He's just like every other chauvenistic, mindless, horny male out there. Next time you see him, watch where his eyes go. I'll bet you dimes to donuts they go straight for your coconuts." "OK, I've had enough of you two arguing," Beatrix complained. "Are we going to explore this library or not?" "Love isn't all hormonal," Dagger continued. "When you care about someone more than you care for your own welfare, that's love. If you actually worry about another person, that's love!" "That's nonsense," Sara said. "You inferior types believe whatever the cheesy quality television shows slap down in front of you. We intellectuals, however-" Sara was stopped by the fact that Dagger slapped her across the face. "Shut up!" Dagger shouted. "I've heard enough! Stuck-up @#&^%! I might be stupider than you, but I can still tell when someone's being a complete pig!" Sara stopped talking and felt the wound. "What was I just saying?..." she asked. "I've completely forgotten..." "Huh?!" Beatrix and Dagger asked. "I don't know what came over me, but I felt it happen as soon as we entered this library..." Sara explained, looking around. "Something's not right about the place... I sense something evil in these books..." "It better not be that spook from 'Ghostbusters,'" Beatrix said. "I HATED that scene!" Suddenly, several books started to fly out of the shelves and flop onto the floor. They opened to reveal several Tantarians. "Uh-oh," Dagger said, preparing her racket. "We'd better get ready." A large book from the back of the room emerged and flopped onto the floor. All the Tantarians started chanting towards the party. "Queen Sara... Queen Sara..." they chanted. The huge book opened up. A giant woman's head emerged. "I am Femtroller," it said loudly. "I dominate the library of Ispen's Castle. Sara, you have proven your intelligence and feminism. We hereby make you our leader." "What do you mean?!" Sara asked. "You logic is perfect," Femtroller said. "Women are indeed the master race of this planet. Now that we have found that a human has learned this, you will lead us in a global takeover in which we shall rid this planet of men and idiots (actually, they're usually one and the same) and set up an all-woman, all-intellectual world order. Lead us, Queen Sara!" "..." Sara said. "Don't do it, Sara!" Dagger said. "Sure, many men are jerks, but there are also many who are actually very smart and worth spending time with!" Beatrix argued. "Well, I..." Sara started. "Think about Marc," Dagger pushed. "He really cares about your well-being. Remember when he Tranced for you? I have a feeling you care about what happens to you, too." "Well, Sara?" Femtroller asked. "It's very tempting..." Sara said. "Without men, the women would become super-smart and superior," Dagger pressed. "If that happens, they will start to become more and more like the men they destroyed, and then who'll be the stupid, chauvenistic ones? Without men, everyone, man and woman, is doomed. Besides, no men means no sex." "Enough stalling. Will you lead us, Queen Sara?" Femtroller asked. Sara thought very hard. "..........No sale, sister," Sara said. "As stupid as they may be, we still need men for the continued stability of the economy and the human race!" "I see..." Femtroller said. "...Then PERISH!!!" Femtroller's book flipped a few pages until a banshee's head appeared. "Destroy them!" she shrieked at the Tantarians, who threw themselves at the threesome. "Climhazzard!" Beatrix shouted, knocking the Tantarians over. "Flames of Hell!" Dagger shouted, summoning Ifrit to set fire to the evil books. Pretty soon, all that was left was Femtroller. "Now you shall pay dearly, chauvenist pigs! If you're not part of my solution, you're part of my problem!" "Your plans'll never launch!" Sara shouted. "Not while I'm around to say anything about it!..... TRANCE!!!" Sara glowed brightly, and her Winchester grew about 5 feet. "Marc, this one's for you," she said quietly. "Have a taste of my Lindblum Smog Dance, you stupid book!" She danced up a toxic storm and sent it right into Femtroller's face. "(Hack hack) you think this smokescreen's going to stop me?!" Femtroller shouted. "PAPER STORM!!!" Giant wedges of sharp paper flew at the group. One hit Dagger in the arm and cut her badly. "Owww!" Dagger cried. "You'll pay for that," Sara shouted. "See, I also know Blue Magic, and that Paper Storm is just the kind of magic I need! So, right back at you! PAPER STORM!!!" Sara generated giant wads of paper and blew them right back at Femtroller, who was cut to pieces. "This isn't over!" Femtroller gasped as she started to burn. "Someone will eventually carry out my will..." The book set ablaze and burned to ashes. Sara sank out of Trance and looked over Dagger's wound. "Use one of your cure spells. That should do it," she said. "Thanks, Sara," Dagger said. "No, thank you, your majesty," Sara said, bowing. "Thanks for helping me see things in a new light." "Please, just call me Dagger," Dagger said. "OK, Dagger," Sara said. "...That goes for you, too, Beatrix," Dagger said. "As long as Alexandria is under Red-Eye's control, I'm not a queen." "As you wish... Dagger," Beatrix said. "Now, let's find some books on Kuja." "Hey, we just heard some loud noises," Vivi said as Steiner, Freya, Arc, Quina and he appeared. "Is everything OK?" "We're just fine, Vivi," Sara said. "Thanks for asking." "Vivi?!" Vivi asked. "What happened to 'kid?'" Everyone laughed. "What? WHAT?!" Vivi asked. Lou opened his eyes and looked around. It was pretty dark, but Lou could see that he was in some sort of cave. There was a tiny dot of light high above him. "I must've fallen a long way," Lou said. "And yet I'm just fine. No broken bones or punctured lungs or anything..." Lou stood up and looked around. He spied a stick on the ground. He picked it up and cast Fire to light it. He looked around. "Not much of interest here," he said. "Hey, there's a cave over there." "Kweeeeeeehhhhhh..." a slow moan came from behind him. "Huh?" Lou said, whipping around. He saw a golden chocobo lying in the straw, half-dead. Lou went over and looked. "Well, old fellow, it looks like we both found the same hole. Man, you're hurt." "Kweh?" the chocobo said, looking him over. It immediately started rubbing against him. "Woah, easy, man!" Lou said. "...Hey, maybe you're that chocobo that Zidane lost..." "Kweh kweh kweh!" the chocobo said, hopping up and down. "So you're name must be Choco," Lou said. "Well, Choco, it looks like we're in this scrape together." "Kwehhhh...." Choco said sadly. "Hey, do you want to come with me and explore the rest of the cave?" Lou asked. "Kwehhhh...." Choco said again. "Don't worry, I'm sure there's an exit," Lou said. It might come to the reader's attention that Lou, being a psychic, can strangely communicate with chocobos. "I'll make sure you get back to Zidane." "Kweh!" Choco said happily. Lou and Choco set off down the dark cave's path, not knowing where it would lead them. "Where exactly is 'The End,' Amarant?" Saria asked as she piloted the ship over the Lost Continent. "It's supposed to be almost exactly behind Mount Gulug, and... Hello," Amarant said, looking out the window. "...That's not good." "What's wrong?... Oh, no!" Zidane exclaimed as he looked out the window. New Iifa Tree roots had emerged and were beginning to spew Mist into that atmosphere again. "Not more Mist..." Eiko groaned. "At least we know that Kuja's behind this now," Zidane growled. "...Or someone else who can manipulate the Iifa Tree," Marc warned. "Mist makes me sneeze," Saria complained. "Hey, there's a huge hole in the ground. Is that it, Amarant?" "Yeah, that's The End," Amarant said. The ship landed and the party walked out to check The End out. It sure was a big hole. It was at least 50 feet wide and who knows how deep. "I'd hate to slip here," Saria said. "That's one nasty fall." "Who knows how deep down it goes?" Eiko asked. "It's called The End, so it must go down further than most bottomless pits." "Let me check," Zidane said, grabbing a giant rock from the edge and hurling it down into the gorge. He then sat and listened. "Oh, I get it!" Saria said. "You're gauging the distance!" Everyone leaned over to listen. "This cave leads on for a long while," Lou said as Choco and he walked through the dark passages. "I wonder if it goes all around the world?" He turned a corner and reached a large area. A small ray of light shone down from above. "Huh? There's another hole up there," Lou said, peering up. "I wonder where that is? Hey, WHAT THE-" He leaped out of the way as a giant rock fell down and shattered to gravel where he had just been standing. "What the heck was that?!" he asked. Then he heard voices. "Well, that sounded pretty deep," Eiko's voice echoed from the opening. "But I could've sworn that I heard a voice down there shout 'what the,'" Zidane said. "You think someone's down there?" "Why would someone be down there?" Saria asked. "...Oh, it's them," Lou said, frowning. "Come on, Choco. Let's keep moving." "Hey, what-" Amarant's voice said. Then they all shouted. "Aaahhh! Mistodons!" Marc's voice shouted. "Run for it!" Too late. A few well-placed Head Attacks and the team was sliding down the side of the pit. They all hit the bottom, battered, bruised and bloody. "Urrrrghhhh..." Amarant growled. "We must've fallen into The End," Eiko groaned. "My leg hurts." "Everything BUT my leg hurts," Marc groaned. "Thanks for breaking my fall, Marc," Zidane said sheepishly. "Curaga!" Saria said, curing herself and standing up. "We must be pretty deep under the surface... Hey!" Saria had noticed Lou standing off in the distance. "Lou! What're you doing here?" she exclaimed. "Lou, are you OK?" Eiko asked. "Nice to see you, kid," Amarant said. "Choco!" Zidane cried. "Ouch," Marc groaned. "I can't get up." "I'm so glad you're safe!" Saria said, putting her hand on his shoulder. He shoved it away. "What brings you here? Forget something nasty to say to my mutant face?" Lou snapped. "...Or did you come to play guilt trip?" "Chill out, Lou," Zidane said. "We're just happy to see you." "Yeah, well it wouldn't bug me not to see you guys again," Lou retorted. "What, you think verbal wounds heal fast? I still feel bad for bein' ousted from Navi City! What makes you think I'm glad to see you?" "Come on, Lou," Marc said, finally getting up. "You can't sulk forever. Quit pretending you're angry and come back to the group." "You think I'm pretending?!" Lou asked angrily. "You don't understand how I feel! You wanna know how I feel?!" He slugged Marc in the jaw. "THAT'S how I feel on the inside!" "Lou, this has gone far enough!" Saria said, sounding like an angry mother. "What is it you want?!" Lou frowned for a second. Then big tears welled up in his eyes. "I want an apology," he started. "I want an apology, I want respect, I want to beat Dragon Master into the ground for making mutants look bad..." "Well, we can't do anything about Dragon Master, but I'll be the first to say that I am sorry," Saria said. "I had no idea you were so sensitive." "I'm sorry too," Zidane said. "And I'll give you the respect you deserve from now on!" "Sure, I'm sorry," Marc slurred. "Of course, I'd be more sympathetic if you hadn't dislocated my jaw...(CRACK) oh, there it goes." "Sorry, kid," Amarant said, scratching his head. "Didn't know words could hurt more than weapons." "See? We're all sorry," Eiko said. "Now come back! We need you! Our group split up again because of you!" "...I'm sorry about that," Lou said. "I just needed some time alone." "It's OK," Saria said. "All is forgiven now... Time to make a new start of it..." She put her arms around him. He actually let her this time. "I think somethin's goin' on here, heh heh heh," Marc whispered. Zidane jabbed him with his elbow. "Quiet! You'll ruin it!" he hissed. "What's been happening up there, anyway?" Lou asked. "Well, we split up, blah blah blah," Eiko said, filling Lou in in a matter of seconds through the miracle of typing. "...And now there's Mist everywhere and we're in this hole with you and that chocobo." "I've been down here for a few hours," Lou said, explaining how he got down here. "These tunnels all seem to be leading to one place..." "Let's follow 'em and see where they go, then!" Marc said, teleporting further down the passage. "...Geez, it's dark. Anyone have a light?" Lou held up his torch. Marc regrouped with the others and they all started walking down the tunnels together. "Saria, I don't know how to say this, but thanks for coming to find me," Lou said. "No problem," Saria said, waving her hand. "Just don't go running off again." "Hmmm," Dagger hummed as she pored over yet another book. "This book contains a prophecy that some great evil will create a planet from the degenerated souls of Gaia and use it to eliminate all the living creatures here..." "Sounds like our boy Kuja," Beatrix said. "But 'degenerated souls...' Surely you don't think the book means-" "Guys! Guys!" Kumool the moogle shouted, running into the library. "You won't believe this, kupo! There's Mist again, kupo!" "What? No way!" Vivi said. They all rushed outside, and to their dismay, the entire valley was blanketed in Mist. A giant Iifa tree root had surrounded the castle, sealing off any practical exits. "...This blows," Freya said inspite of herself. "Now what?" Steiner asked. "We can't leave the castle." "...There's no hurry," Sara said. "We still need to research. We'll think of an escape when we're done here." And so, the party went back to combing the library for data on Kuja or anything else pertaining to what the heads had said. "This has to be one of the most boring jobs I've ever had," Dagger groaned. "Leafing through books after books." "Shucks, Day-gerrr," Arc slurred. "Ah thinks these books is real good readin'... AN' good eatin'!" Everyone turned around to see Arc and Quina devouring books off the shelves. "Are you crazy?!" Sara shouted. "Those books are ancient and valuable!" "Look, here a big volume of Vogon poetry," Quina said, pulling a green book off the shelf. "OK, you can certainly eat that one," Sara said, cringing. "Hey, what's this here?" Arc said, yanking a volume off the shelf. "'Th' book o' Clow.' Wonder what's in this here bookie, huh?" He opened the large book. "Hey, there be playin' cards in here!" he said, pulling out some strange-looking cards. "I wonder if they're Tetra Master cards?" Vivi asked, picking one up. "Let's see... 'Windy?'" The card lit up and a gigantic gust of wind blew the cards everywhere. They vanished through the walls and blew out through the sky and were scattered all over the planet. "Ummm... Oops?" Vivi said. Sakura and Li suddenly appeared, very angry. "You bastard! We worked real hard to seal all those cards!" Sakura shouted angrily at Vivi. "Do you even know what you've done?!" Li shouted. "Let's save this tangent for another story, shall we?" Beatrix asked. "CLIMHAZZARD!" She blew Li and Sakura out the wall and they disappeared, only to be seen again in quick cameos. "Well, I don't see any more good books here, so-" Sara started, looking over some back volumes. "...Oh, my GOD." "We're still trying to DNA Digivolve," Tai said as he looked up from Sora to Sara. "Oh, does it work better when you're stark naked and covered in Yoplait yogurt like that?!" Sara groaned. "Aw, geez. I'm gonna puke." "Yes! I'm on camera! I'm in the story!" Squall cheered happily as he pranced onto the screen. "Hey, Rinoa! Squall's in a sequel! Woo! Who da man? Who da man?" Suddenly, FFIX security guards grabbed him and dragged him off the set. "...But I'm SQUALL!" he shouted. "Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge," one guard said. "What was that all about?" Steiner asked. "Oh, GEEZ!!!" Sara shouted looking back where Tai and Sora had been. "They've multiplied!" Now in addition to Tai and Sora, Davis and Kari, Joe and Mimi and Ken and Yolei were bouncing about on the floor. "I'm going to toss five years worth of cookies," Beatrix groaned. "...I just seltzered myself," Vivi mumbled. "OK, no. I'm out of here," Dagger said, turning around and walking the other way. "AAAHHHH!!! It's the cast of Final Fantasy 7!!!" "Is there a phone around here we can use?" Vincent asked. "Oh, and will you be my friend?" "GUAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" everyone in the party screamed. "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!!" "Gladly," the writer said, and played 5 minutes of the Oelivert Heads, the hottest rap group in Gaia. END OF DISC 1 PLEASE INSERT DISC 2