ABOUT
THE INTERNATIONAL DEAD CRAB BROTHERHOOD, CHAPTER
3
Lou and his friends are in the
group known as the International Dead Crab Brotherhood
(actually, it's not international. There's only one chapter,
and this is it.). Once each month, everyone gets together in
the lab meeting room and holds a meeting to discuss issues
about the brotherhood. These meetings are recorded by means
of a recorder who sits in the back and writes everything
that people say down (for this meeting, the recorder was
Elliott). The following was a meeting that took place
February 28, 1998:
LOU:
All rise!
(All rise, hold hand over heart)
ALL: "No matter how thin you slice it, it's still a dead
crab."
LOU:
All sit. (everyone sits down.) Okay, any new news? Old news?
Any at all? OK, I now declare the meeting adjourned and the
soda fountain open....
MEW:
Lou, several of the members have their hands raised,
including myself.
LOU:
Oh, really? Gee, my sight must be going. Hmmm... Who's
first? Freddy?
FREDDY:
Mmmbl mmbl mumble. (LARGE STEAM LOCOMOTIVE FALLS OUT OF SKY
AND LANDS ON FREDDY)
TARA:
Dear Lord, they killed Freddy.
LOU:
Next, please. Lunar, what do you have to say?
LUNAR:
I vote that we sell the big ugly thing behind the
lab....(SILENCE) You know, the big thing..(SILENCE)...All
broken down....(SILENCE)...The big thing with all sorts of
trash jutting out.
LOU:
That's the airship.
LUNAR:
No, not that. It's farther back. The thing on the old oil
drums.
GRANDPA
PIRATE: That's my iron
lung! George Custer gave that to me... Said it was for his
retirement.
LUNAR:
No, not the lung.
RUBARB:
That's not there anymore.
GRANDPA
PIRATE: What?
DAVID:
Some thieves made off with it a few months back.
LUNAS:
Wait.. I think a member took it.
GRANDPA
PIRATE: Wha? Who was it?
I'll skin 'em alive!
LUNAS:
Now who was it...
DAVID:
Shut up, Lunas.
LUNAS:
It's someone I work with alot.. lemme think...
DAVID:
Don't think, Lunas.
LUNAS:
Oh yes! It was gonna be used in an experiment on hamster DNA
by Da...(DAVID GLARES)...Oh, yeah, Mr. Pirate. Thieves stole
it.
GRANDPA
PIRATE: What's the world
coming to? Buncha teenage delinquents. I can't believe that
they say schools don't need any government money. They
should put parts of the Wyoming Frontier Prison in every
school! Ever seen that movie "Prison?" That's how school
should be!
DAVID(SARCASTICALLY):
You mean we should have
zombies tramping through the halls, killing everyone for a
crime they didn't commit?
GRANDPA
PIRATE: No, no. Just the
security part.
LOU:
Thank you, Grandpa Pirate. Now, where were we?
GRANDPA
PIRATE: See? See?! You
just blow me off! I can't believe this. In Japan, older
people are revered for their wisdom.
NOVA:
Then why don't we all chip in to buy you a one-way ticket to
Tokyo?
GRANDPA
PIRATE: I heard that! I
heard that!
NOVA:
Of course you did. I shouted it right in your face!
LOU:
C'mon, guys! Let's get back to business!
LUNAR:
Right. I say we get rid of the old ugly thing that no one
wants anymore.
GRANDPA
PIRATE: I said I ain't
going.
ALL: SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!!!
GRANDPA
PIRATE: I heard that.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
LUNAR:
Thank Gad, he's fallen asleep. Now, what were we talking
about?
RUBARB:
We were deciding what the logical action to do with the big
ugly thing would be. I believe that the thing you are
describing is the BFI with no ventilation systems and a full
tank.
LOU:
Actually, I had my eye on that as a tree fort for Mew.
MEW:
Eew, how would you get all the stink and slop out of it?
LOU:
I'd say "Mew, come down for dinner."(ROARING LAUGHTER FROM
EVERYONE BUT MEW)
MEW:
Shut up! Everyone shut up, or you'll wake Grandpa Pirate!
(IMMEDIATE SILENCE)
RUBARB:
Then perhaps it was the rather odd looking collage of metal
pieces that has been welded together. It is behind the
refrigerator and the model of the buffalo made out of stale
Twinkies.
LUNAR:
Yeah, that sounds familiar. Yes, that's what I was talking
about.
LOU:
Okay, who wants to go drive it over to the pawn shop?
LUNAS:
Wait! That's my sculpture! I made that.
DAVID:
You did?
NOVA:
It's ugly.
LUNAS:
It took me 3 years to make that sculpture. 2 and a half of
getting a feel for the welding torch, and half to make it
from car pieces.
MEW:
Car pieces?
LUNAS:.....3
and a fourth years actually. I spent three months sneaking
out at night into parking lots to find what I needed.
LOU:
So that's what those news reports last September were
about.
LUNAR:
Lunas, you could make it a piece of kinetic art.
LUNAS:
What's that?
RUBARB:
Movement. Lunar is
suggesting that you reconstruct you sculpture in a way that
would allow it to move in some means.
DAVID:
Movement would increase
the value of the art.
LUNAS:
OK, I'd like that.
NOVA:
Good. Lou, get the airship and MOVE the sculpture to
the pawn shop. Tell 'em $200 or best offer.
LUNAS:
What? HEY! No way you're touching my piece of art.
MEW:
C'mon, Lunas, let's be sensible. Your sculpture doesn't look
like anything, and it doesn't even have a name.
LUNAS:
Yes it does. "A big bucket of KFC."
(MOMENTARY SILENCE)
DAVID:
You know, that really is a
good piece of art.
NOVA:
Magnificent!
LOU:
It should be in the D.C. museum!
LUNAR:
I still say we should throw it out....(ALL SCOWL).....Um,
did I say something? Must've been the wind.
LOU:
Is that all? OK, I declare the meeting adjourned and the
soda fountain open.
ALL: YAYYYY!!!
MEW:
Wait! All that talk took us until 2 AM to finish. The Soda
fountain is closed.
(ANGRY SHOUTING, CURSING, THROWING OF THINGS)
MEW:
Oww! Don't blame me! It's the law! hey, leggo! Oww!
LOU:
He's right, guys. We can't sell soda at this time.
ALL: Awww....
LOU:
So it's free.
ALL: YAYYYYY!!! (STAMPEDE UPSTAIRS, FOLLOWED BY 20 MINUTES
OF SILENCE)
GRANDPA
PIRATE: Wha? What
happened? Was I sleeping? Did I miss anything?
(COW FALLS OUT OF SKY IN NEVADA)
GRANDPA
PIRATE: That was
absolutely pointless.
© 2000-2001 by Lou Smith
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